


Second to the right

by pulsivere



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Orphanage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Suicide talk - Suicidal ideation, magnus bane is BISEXUAL, read chapter fifteen!, this took me three months so be nice with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-08-27 01:10:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 93,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8382094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulsivere/pseuds/pulsivere
Summary: All children grow up, even those who didn't get to be children at all. Alec struggles with himself. Magnus struggles with Alec.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> First things first.  
> 1) The title is from Peter Pan: "Second to the right,' said Peter, 'and then straight on till morning." That's where he says he lives.  
> 2) Magnus Bane is bisexual in this story. This is mentioned in chapters 15, 16 and 17.  
> 3) For the sake of the story, Isabelle is Alec's older sister. Both Magnus and Jace are two years older than Alec, which makes them nineteen years old. Alec is seventeen.  
> 4) FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

“ _Oh how he loves you, darling boy. Oh how, like always, he invents the monsters underneath the bed to get you to sleep next to him, chest to chest or chest to back, the covers drawn around you in an act of faith against the night_ ”

\- Richard Siken, _You are Jeff_

 

ONE

 

They meet right after Christmas break. It’s that awkward time of the year, when all the kids are parading around the Institute with their gifts on display. Most of them are hand me downs, like the maroon sweater Alec got -two sizes too big- but there are some exceptions. Izzy received a brand new princess costume along with a cheap make up palette. Still, Alec’s not one to complain.

He’s almost finished folding his clothes when Robert comes in. Alec can’t help but hang onto his sweater, irrationally scared that Robert is going to take it away. Winter’s a tough season and Alec doesn’t have a lot of sweaters to spare. Instead, Robert sits down on the empty bed that used to belong to Sebastian.

Robert clears his throat, a clear signal for Alec to look at him. “You’re going to have a new roommate, is that okay Alexander?”

Alec gives him a tiny nod and goes back to folding. He makes sure to hide his new sweater from view, in case the new kid gets creative and tries to take it away. It wouldn’t be the first time. When he looks back up Robert is showing the new kid which drawers are his and which ones aren’t.

“I’ll leave you boys alone now. Dinner’s at eight, you already know that Alexander,” Robert says on his way out.

The boy is slightly older than Alec. His hair is all over the place. It reminds Alec of a lion’s mane, the way it falls over his eyes. He’s wearing expensive clothes, Alec can tell, and he doesn’t look like belongs here. He’s got a good feeling about this one. Perhaps he’ll last more than Sebastian did.

“I’m Mags,” the kid says. His voice isn’t shaky like Alec’s always is. “What’s your name?”

“Alexander,” he replies. “I, um. How old are you?”

Mags holds up eight fingers. It takes Alec an embarrassingly long time to count them, yet Mags doesn’t comment on it. It’s only been a couple of minutes but Alec knows he’s going to like him. He's not sure Mags will like him back, though.

“I’m six and a quarter,” Alec mumbles. “I can show you where the big kids are if you wanna hang out with them instead.”

“I think I like it here,” Mags says, a grin spreading across his face.

It’s only when he scratches his neck that Alec notices his nails are painted, like Izzy’s are. He doesn’t say anything about it, but he’s sure the other kids will have plenty to say. Mags is a pretty weird name already.

“Do you like Harry Potter?” Mags asks. He doesn’t even let Alec reply, already fishing in his bag for a hard cover book. Expensive. “I got it for Christmas.”

“Hide it,” Alec says. “Or else…”

 Mags seems upset. “I thought you-“

“They’ll take it away if they find it.”

“Who?”

Alec goes back to folding and bites the inside of his cheek. Sebastian was just as naïve. He vaguely wonders what Izzy will say when he meets Mags. If she’ll like him enough to take him under her wing, keep him safe. It’d be a shame if Jordan gets him first.

“Is your name really Mags?” Alec asks, pointedly not looking at him.

“It’s short for Magnus. Your name’s pretty long, by the way. And I’m very good at nicknames.”

“My sister calls me Alec,” he says, slipping his shoes on. “But I don’t mind if you- I mean, if you want to give me another one.”

Magnus smiles, mirroring Alec’s actions and putting on his shoes as well. “Is your sister here?”

“Yeah. Her name’s Isabelle.”

“How old is she?”

Alec thinks hard. He uses his fingers to count. “Eleven.”

He waits for Magnus to finish making his bed and doesn’t comment on the white blanket peeking from Magnus’s bag. Most of the new kids have pretty things with them. Maybe Magnus lost his parents recently. Someone was there to buy him a present for Christmas, so there’s that. Maybe Magnus is like Simon, Izzy’s friend who never met his parents. Alec watches him hide his Harry Potter book under the mattress. Maybe he got taken away.

They walk down the stairs together. Magnus is a little bit taller than Alec and doesn’t need to be so careful, but Alec has to hold on tightly to the railing to keep from slipping. Before going into the kitchen, Alec stops.

“Do you wanna sit with me?” Alec asks quietly.

Magnus frowns. “Who else would I sit with?”

“Kids your age. Girls. I don’t know.”

Izzy is not there. They eat sitting next to each other on the tiny table in the corner. Alec knows Magnus can’t be too comfortable there. The other kids are all where Robert is. It’s too loud for Alec, so he always eats alone. The table is too low for Magnus’s bumpy knees yet he smiles at Alec throughout all dinner.

When they’re done they get up and put their dishes in the sink. Alec avoids looking at the other kids, hunches his shoulders and tries to get out of there fast like always does. Of course, this time it doesn’t work. Magnus is a new kid. A different kind, too. It’s easy for anyone to see. He’s not as damaged as the rest, Alec thinks, he’s normal.

“Hey,” Jordan shouts, already coming towards them. “You’re new, right? What are you doing with the baby?”

Alec flushes. He hangs his head. Last time Jordan called him a baby –a whining, stupid baby- Izzy smacked him so hard his face was bruised for days. But Izzy is not here now, so Alec keeps his mouth shut.

Magnus doesn’t seem to like it. “You’re an asshole,” is all he says.

Alec’s not stupid. He’s heard that word before. Jordan certainly says it a lot, but to hear it come out of Magnus’s mouth so naturally is hilarious. He almost lets out a giggle when he remembers Jordan is still standing there, turning redder by the second. It’d be wise not to laugh.

Magnus is a fast-thinker too. He sees the way Jordan’s hands are turning into tight fists and makes a getaway. Alec’s glad. He’s not a very good fighter and Jordan’s knuckles are always bruised from hitting other kids, so Alec can only guess he’s quite good at it.

Alec points out at the bathroom on their way to their room. “You can take a shower if you want. Bedtime is at nine thirty.”

“What do you do here all day?” Magnus wonders. He grabs his toothbrush and follows Alec into the bathroom. It’s empty because everyone else is still downstairs eating. “Don’t you go to school?”

“You can if you want to,” Alec shrugs. “Most kids have- sorry, I don’t know the word.”

“Most of the kids are home-schooled?” Magnus prompts. He’s sweet and doesn’t mention how upset Alec is over not remembering the word. “Do _you_ go to school?”

Alec rinses his mouth and washes his hands. “No, I don’t. I don’t think I’d like it very much.”

“Why’s that?” Magnus asks. Alec makes a mental note to tell him it’s not common for kids to ask each other so many things. In fact, it’s rude. Jordan wouldn’t like it at all.

“I don’t like… loud things. They’re scary,” he adds, after a second thought.

After they finish cleaning up in the bathroom they crawl into bed. Alec’s quite happy because Izzy always comes to kiss him goodnight after she’s done eating. When Sebastian got sent away Robert and Maryse let her sleep in the room with him so it wouldn’t be as lonely.

Magnus seems uncomfortable in his bed.

“Do you want to sleep with the light on?” Alec asks. Everyone’s a little scared of the dark at first. “We can leave it on if you want to.”

“It’s not that,” says quietly. “I miss my mom.”

Alec can’t say he misses his, but he tries to sound comforting. “It’s okay. Maybe… Maybe you’ll have a new mommy you’ll like more.”

Magnus shifts in his bed. “Maybe. How long have you been here?”

Alec frowns. “I don’t know.”

“Robert seems nice,” Magnus says, like he’s testing the waters. “Are they always nice?”

“Yeah. They put you in time out sometimes, though. And Maryse yells a little.”

Magnus laughs. It sounds relieved. “Alright. I think I can handle that.”

Alec’s brain is buzzing. He feels guilty now for hiding his new sweater. After all, Magnus showed him his Harry Potter book. He’ll show it to him tomorrow, Alec decides.

“Can you read me the book, tomorrow?” Alec whispers. “I can’t read too well yet.”

Although he can’t see him, Alec feels Magnus is smiling. “Yeah, sure. G’night.”

Alec lets out a tiny yawn. “Goodnight Mags.”

 

* 

 

Next morning Alec is startled awake. He’d forgotten about Magnus for a second. He sits up on the bed, rubs the sleep from his eyes, when he realizes Magnus is already awake. And dressed. It must be around ten, Alec can tell from the way the sunlight is making him hot under the covers.

“Robert came by,” Magnus tells him. His nails aren’t painted anymore- maybe Alec imagined it. “Said breakfast was ready.”

“Oh, did you eat already?”

Magnus shakes his head. “No, I was waiting for you to wake up.”

 _Oh._ “Thank you.”

“Your sister came by earlier. She’s really pretty.”

That makes Alec angry, although he’s not sure why. “I’m pretty too,” he mutters.

Magnus barks out a laugh. “You are. Really cute. Like, a kitten.”

“I’m not a cat,” Alec says, with what Izzy calls his ‘grumpy face’ on. When they’re in the kitchen, he smiles a little. “You really think I’m pretty? ‘Cause Izzy says lying’s a sin.”

Magnus seems a bit embarrassed. He’s quick to change the subject. “There’s your sister.”

Izzy is sitting on one of the high chairs, braiding her hair while Simon watches her. His glasses have a big scratch on them. Jordan’s fault, probably. Alec only has a few minutes before they both leave for school and his home lessons start, so he hurries and gives her a hug tight enough to leave her gasping.

“I’ll be back, idiot,” she whines. “You’re ruining my hair.”

“I can do your hair,” Magnus tells her, his fingers look like white spiders when he moves them this fast. “A French braid?”

“What do you know about braids?” Izzy asks him, but still cranes her neck to let Magnus work on her hair. “You’re a boy.”

Alec rolls his eyes at that. “Boys have hair too, Izzy.”

As it turns out, Magnus knows a lot about braids. Izzy’s hair looks amazing. Amazing enough to have Alec sulking.

“What’s wrong Alec?” Simon asks, clearly entertained. “You wanna grow your hair out too?”

That only makes Alec more upset. Magnus notices this and says, “I can braid your hair, too. You don’t need to grow it out.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I also know how to make...” Magnus motions Alec to get closer and whispers the secret into his ear. “Flower crowns.”

“Can I have both?”

Izzy gags. “You have him whipped, Mags.”

Alec frowns. He’s not quite sure what that means, so he’ll ask Magnus later. Izzy gathers her books and asks Simon to carry them for her. He doesn’t protest. Alec’s about to tell Magnus he’d like to read Harry Potter now, before his lessons start, but Magnus is already walking next to Izzy and Simon.

“Where are you going?”

“Oh. School. Robert asked me if I wanted to go this morning- I said yes,” Magnus says. His smile falters when he sees Alec’s face. “Is that… okay?”

Alec tries not to feel betrayed. School’s for idiots like Jordan anyways. “Okay.”

He doesn’t stay long enough to watch them leave. His teacher is already waiting in the little classroom Robert and Maryse had put together a while ago.  She’s nice and the lesson is over quickly. Alec’s got a lot of homework for tomorrow. At least it’s just coloring. If Magnus hadn’t been so mean earlier Alec would have colored him a picture of a monkey. It’s one of his favorites from the coloring book. It’s also one of the only words he can write down without any spelling mistakes. That and his name.

“Did you already have lunch, Alexander?” Maryse asks him when he bumps into her on the corridor. She waits for Alec to shake his head and offers him her hand. “Come on then. I’ll make you a fry-up.”

Alec looks at her and raises his arms. She looks confused for a second.

“You want me to carry you?” she asks, hesitant at first. “You’re not a baby anymore. Getting big, huh?”

Nevertheless, she picks him up quite effortlessly. Alec likes to pretend every now and then that she’s his mum, that she loves him a lot like all moms love their kids. Maryse has always had a soft spot for him, Alec doesn’t know, because he was in such a bad shape when they brought him in. He’s always been smaller than kids his age, too. She sets him down on the counter and gets on with the food while Alec watches.

“Did you like your present? I know it must look big on you, but I remember you said maroon was your favorite color.”

Alec nods. “Yes. Thank you.”

“Polite,” Maryse laughs. “And how are you and your roommate getting along?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do. Robert said you two looked like friends last night at dinner.”

“He’s alright. Is he going to stay longer than Sebastian did?”

Maryse’s hold on the plates tightens. She seems surprised by his question. It’s as if she’d already forgotten about Sebastian and Alec was just bringing up some blurry and unpleasant memory from the past.

“Who knows?” she smiles. “Maybe he’ll find a nice-“

“A nice family with nice parents who love him very, very, much,” Alec mimics, rolling his eyes. “I know.”

“Alexander, honey, there’s no need to be upset.”

“I’m not upset,” Alec lies. “Those are all fake families, anyways.”

Maryse freezes. “Fake?”

“They are a second family. We all had one, I think. Except Simon, I don’t know about Simon.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say,” Maryse tells him, mean voice turned on. “Are Robert and I fake parents to you?”

Alec hesitates. He knows lying’s not good, but he also knows he’ll get into trouble for telling the truth. Besides, he doesn’t want to hurt Maryse’s feelings, so instead of saying what he’s actually thinking Alec just shakes his head no.

Maryse tries to make him talk about his lessons throughout the meal, but Alec stays silent. He finishes and doesn’t ask for more. He thinks about Sebastian an awful lot these days. He wonders if he’s got a nice family now, and he’d like to ask him what that’s like. If his new parents play with him and buy him new toys for his birthday. Sebastian wasn’t the nicest kid in the Institute, but he was a lot nicer than Jordan and his friends. He deserves good, Alec thinks.

“Do you know if he’s happy?” Alec asks, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen.

Maryse doesn’t need to ask who he’s talking about. “I imagine he is, yes.”

“But do you know? For sure?”

“No, baby. I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that.”

Alec nods and goes up to his room to take a nap. He’ll color something for Sebastian when he gets up. Maybe Maryse can somehow give it to him.

He dozes off and wakes up to another body in his bed. They’re almost touching. Alec turns around to face him.

“What are you doing?”

Magnus ignores him. “I didn’t like school. You were right about it.”

“Why? Are you scared of loud things too?”

“No. The kids. They’re assholes,” Magnus says, his hair covering his eyes from Alec’s view. “I don’t like the way they look at me. Like I’m some sort of… I don’t know.”

“Maryse says that’s because they’re not used to kids like us,” Alec finds himself saying. He’s never been a fan of quoting Maryse, but it seems like the right thing to say. “All of them live with their real families, so. I think they kinda forget not everyone does.”

Magnus looks at him for a long time. “Do you want to read Harry Potter now?”

They change positions. Alec rests his head on Magnus’s shoulder to be able to see the way the older boy turns the pages, not quite reading the words but listening to Magnus’s voice instead. He reads out loud, strong and steady, and he even acts out some of the character’s voices. His Draco Malfoy voice is quite funny, Alec has to admit. He wants to ask him a lot of things about the book, too. Why did Harry’s uncles treat him so badly? Does Magnus think magic’s real? Is magic real? Will they get a letter, someday, when they turn eleven? Instead, he keeps silent.

“Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. Draco Malfoy looked at him,” Magnus reads. “’Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford.’ He turned back to Harry. ‘You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.’”

Alec moves his hand to stop Magnus from turning the page. “See?” he says. “Sometimes people are mean to others because of their families, but that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t think Ron's going to stop going to school because of Draco Malfoy.”

Magnus presses Alec closer to him. “Thank you.”

Alec doesn’t say anything. He wishes Magnus would have stayed with him today instead of following Izzy to school, but he’s not upset about it anymore. He’s older than Alec, so it’s only normal for him to want to make friends his age. That’s what Maryse had told him, anyways.

They read until Robert comes by and tells them it’s time for dinner.

“So, how was school today Mags?” he asks him as the three of them walk down the stairs together.

“It was good,” Magnus says, looking at Alec. “It was really good.”

Their friendship comes easy after that. The months that follow are a blur of good moments that melt together to create what Alec would much later on call the sweet childhood days. Magnus teaches him how to read on his own, Harry Potter slowly becoming their own bible. In return, Alec shows Magnus all his hiding spots. He even lends him his maroon sweater when Magnus complains about having nothing to wear to the school’s show-and-tell. It’s around that time when Alec starts to have nightmares, mainly of ugly monsters that he sees on TV, but also of much realer things that scare him a lot more, like the touch of a hand that isn’t gentle. He crawls into Magnus’s bed those nights, never explaining the real reason. It’s only then that he lets himself think of Magnus as his older brother. They don’t talk about it, but Magnus is as comforting as always.

When summer comes and school’s finally over, Alec convinces Magnus to go on an adventure in order to find a new hiding place. They find a tiny, empty closet that no one uses next to the old set of stairs. Magnus crawls in first to make sure there are no spiders and signals Alec to follow him after he’s made sure it’s a safe spot. They spend a lot of nights there, especially when it’s raining and they’re both a little bit scared of the thunder. Eventually, Magnus starts bringing things down there. A flashlight, candy, a blanket. It’s like their second room, in a way. Magnus always hugs him extra tight when they’re in there. It’s inside there, in Alec’s seventh birthday, where Magnus tells him he loves him.

In fact, Alec doesn’t realize how much Magnus loves him until much later. It takes him years to learn exactly what Magnus means when he says those three words to him. It takes him a lot longer to say them back.


	2. TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

TWO

_Ten years later_

 

“You look like a dickhead,” Jace tells him. Magnus doesn’t mind, he knows that’s how Jace shows affection. "But you’ve looked worse.”

“I didn’t know you were a fashion expert. Guess I’ll just start calling you Tim Gunn, then.”

“ _Make it work,_ Mags, or else-“

Jace never finishes making his threat. Alec bursts into the room, cutting him off. He dumps his bag on his bed and shrugs off his jacket before throwing it to the floor. He’s in a hurry to get out of there, Magnus thinks as he just stands there frozen. He wants Alec to look at him, only for a second, to stop in his tracks and say, _wow, your hair looks different._ He doesn’t even have to like it, he just has to notice it. However, Alec’s gone as fast as he came, without even sparing Magnus a glance.

Jace gives him a sad smile. “He’ll come around.”

He and Alec aren’t fighting. At least, not officially. Magnus isn’t sure where he stands, where they stand. Maryse talked to him last night, asking questions Magnus couldn’t answer. She had been worried about Alec, how he seemed to always be by himself. She had asked if they were fighting. So Magnus was honest about it. He said he didn’t know, but deep down he wanted to tell her more. They haven’t talked in months, at least not alone. Maryse's questions and furrowed brow did nothing but worsen the sickness he feels in his stomach when he thinks about Alec these days.

“I already asked Simon, he said Izzy didn’t even know you two had stopped talking until he brought it up,” Jace says. He’s trying to grow out his hair so he can wear it in a man bun. Right now, it’s just getting all over his eyes. “Maybe if you just asked him-“

“I can’t just ask him, you idiot.”

“Why not? That’s what people do. They ask other people shit all the time.”

“Alec’s not going to tell me if I ask him. He’ll say he’s okay, like he always does.”

Jace reaches out to touch Magnus dyed hair. “Well. Maybe ask him other stuff first.”

“What?”

“Like, if he’s got a lot of homework, if he likes Maryse’s loaf. I don’t know, just something.”

Magnus swats Jace’s hand away from his face. “Okay.”

“ _Thanks Jace_ ,” Jace says, “You’re such a great friend.”

Magnus spends the rest of the day thinking about it. He doesn’t run into Alec until late at night. It’s two a.m on a Friday. It’s not late, but it’s late for Alec. Magnus can’t remember the last time Alec stayed awake past midnight. Magnus also doesn’t know where Alec’s been all day. It makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. They used to spend their days together. Now, Magnus barely knows where Alec is or who he’s with.

He’s sitting on his bed reading when Alec comes through the door. He doesn’t even look at Magnus. He kicks off his shoes and shimmies out of his jeans. Magnus tries not to look.

“Hey,” Magnus attempts once Alec’s gotten in bed. “Didn’t see you today.”

Alec’s breath hitches. “Um, I was busy.”

“Yeah?”

Magnus waits. He knows Alec’s not much of a talker, so there’s no use in pushing. He likes to think things before he says them. It’s not like Magnus finds that all sorts of beautiful. Not at all.

“School,” is all he says before rolling over to face the wall. They’ve been sharing a room for the last decade and Alec’s never gone to sleep staring at the wall. He used to say it made him feel caged.

Magnus’s throat clogs up. “Are you going to be busy tomorrow?”

Silence. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe you could help me bake Simon’s birthday cake. You know, like old times.”

Alec seems to bury himself deeper under the covers of his bed. All that comes through is a tiny _okay_ , enough to leave Magnus struggling to breathe. He hates this. He hates that he can’t remember how to talk to Alec anymore, this space between them stretching wider and deeper with every second that passes. If it were anyone else, Magnus thinks. Yet this is Alec. He struggles now to remember how Alec’s smile looked like when it was for him. He hates not being able to remember the last time he was the reason behind that smile.

The next morning he makes sure to wake up before Alec does. It’s not that he plans to corner the boy, it’s just that Magnus knows Alec, has known him his whole life, and he is aware that Alec doesn’t do well with confrontation. He’d probably bolt the second he woke up, unless Magnus was already awake.

He’s only got one page left of his _Misery_ copy when he hears Alec shifting in bed.

“Well, hello sleepy head,” he says, forcing his voice to sound normal or as normal as it can sound when Alec is around.

Alec doesn’t reply instantly. He stretches a bit, says, “Hi.”

“Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah. Do you… do you really need help with Simon’s cake or-?”

Magnus’s heart hurts when he hears the hesitance in Alec’s voice. “Absolutely. I’d probably burn down the whole Institute if you weren’t there to watch me.”

“Okay,” Alec says. After a pause, he adds, “How was breakfast?”

“I have no idea. I was waiting for you to wake up.”

Something flickers in his gaze and then it’s gone. “Alright then.”

Magnus isn’t sure what the boundaries are with this new, distant Alec. Before, he would have just snaked an arm around his waist and jokingly carried him downstairs to eat breakfast. Alec would have sat on the counter, his favorite spot after all these years, to watch Magnus cook. That Alec wouldn’t have minded if Magnus kissed his cheek before handing him his plate. This Alec-the real one, Magnus has to remind himself- would bolt out the door. So Magnus keeps his distance.

Alec nibbles on his toast without sitting down. Magnus tries to ignore the way his coffee tastes like burnt sugar. He runs a hand through his hair without noticing the way Alec bites his lips. If he had, he’d tell Alec off. Magnus has never liked the way Alec has of absently picking on himself. Back when they were twelve Magnus had to physically keep Alec from biting his nails, or else the boy would bite them to shreds and blood.

“I like your hair,” Alec mumbles. “The color’s nice.”

“Thanks. Didn’t think you’d notice,” he says before he can stop himself. “I mean, because it’s a subtle change, you know. Not really a big deal. Just. Yeah.”

Alec blinks at him. He takes a sip of his water (Magnus does not notice how pink his lips are curled around the bottle) and finishes his toast. Magnus gulps down the rest of his coffee and starts searching for all the ingredients.

“Six eggs?” Alec asks, scandalized. “Don’t you think it’d be better if we just go and buy the cake mix box?”

Magnus rolls his eyes at him. “It’s for Simon, you tit. Let’s make it special.”

“Maryse is gonna kill you,” he says, but there’s something in his voice that sounds reassuring. It’s like Magnus is seeing some of the old Alec. “I don’t know how to whisk. Or even melt chocolate. Maybe you should have asked Maia to help you.”

Magnus gently takes the instructions sheet from him. He used to get upset when Alec said things like that, but he’s gotten used to it. He knows Alec’s not saying it just because, that he means it one hundred percent. As if, Magnus wants to say, as if Maia could hold a candle to you. He doesn’t though, because that’d make things weird. That would make _Alec_ weird. He’s never known how to react to compliments.

“C´mon, you know Maia’s no fun to talk to. She asked me once if the eggshell went in the bowl or not. I mean, who asks that?”

Alec gives him a little smile. “You still talk to her, then?”

“Yeah. She spent the night here the other week. You know, Jordan problems.”

Magnus tries to keep the conversation light, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Bringing Jordan up was a bad idea. Alec’s whole posture changes. He’s not relaxed anymore. His hands are shaking a bit, so he crosses his arms over his chest to hide them from Magnus.

“I was thinking we could watch a movie while the cake’s in the oven. I’ll just set the timer-“

“Stop,” Alec says, his mouth curled with sadness. “You don’t have to do this, okay?”

“Do what?”

“Be so… _nice_.”

Magnus snorts. “Since when is being nice considered a bad thing?”

“It’s a bad thing when you’re faking it,” Alec says, no real malice in his voice. “Just stop. You don’t have to try and be my best friend forever just because Maryse asked you to.”

“Wait,” Magnus frowns. “You think I’m being nice to you because Maryse told me to? Are you stupid?”

Alec flinches the tiniest bit. Magnus wants to kill himself. “I saw you two talking the other day. About me.”

“We were,” Magnus says slowly. “She was worried.”

“Why?” Alec asks, giving him a plastic smile, the one he uses when he acts okay. “Everything’s fine.”

Magnus sighs. He knows there’s no use trying to argue with Alec when he gets like this. It used to drive Magnus insane, how Alec would shut him out like that. He doesn’t want to drive him away, though, so he calms down before answering.

“Would it kill you?” he asks, doesn’t care if it sounds like he’s begging.

“Would what kill me?”

“Watching a movie with me.”

Alec bites down on his lip, even though Magnus sees him do it this time he doesn’t say anything about it. Now’s not the time to play mom, not when Alec looks like he’s ready to get the fuck out of that kitchen and leave Magnus alone.

“Okay,” Alec finally says. He watches as Magnus sets the timer and follows him to the couch. “What do you want to watch?”

Magnus falls down on the couch. He tries not to feel hurt when Alec sits on the opposite end, like he doesn’t want any part of his body touching Magnus.

“You pick,” Magnus says. He wants Alec to gain some control of the situation. Feeling in control always made Alec feel better. Before.

Alec settles on a shitty sitcom. He brings his knees closer to his chest. “Sorry for being a dick.”

“You weren’t being a dick, babe,” Magnus tells him. The petname slips through his lips so effortlessly it takes him a moment to realize that he’s said it. “I’m not doing this to be nice, though.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry if it came off like that.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” Alec rolls his eyes. “Maryse tends to overreact.”

Magnus looks away. He doesn’t know what to say. It seems he’s been saying the wrong things anyways, so he lets himself hope Alec won’t be upset. _People ask other people shit all the time_ , Jace says inside his head, _ask him something_. Magnus must be crazy if he’s hearing Jace’s voice inside his head, even crazier if he plans on following his instructions.

“Are you upset with me?” Magnus asks quietly. At first he thinks Alec hasn’t heard him, so he goes on. “I know this past month I’ve been hanging out with Jace a lot-“

“It’s not about that,” Alec rests his forehead against his knees, his breath coming out in tiny puffs. “And I’m not upset with you.”

Relief, then worry. “Then what’s wrong Alec?”

Alec opens his mouth the second the timer goes off. Magnus curses under his breath, gets up and sprints to the kitchen. The cake’s an angry shade of brown, almost burnt, but it’s edible. Magnus hopes it is. He almost burns his hand getting it out of the oven. On his way back to the couch he rants about how he wishes scientists would stop trying to cure hemorrhoids and build an oven that can cook on automatic, like a robot.

The TV is still on, but Alec is nowhere to be seen.

Jace walks through the door while he’s watching last night’s new episode of Family Guy. It’s only five and Jace’s shift at the grocery store ends at six thirty. Magnus would say something about it if he wasn’t so busy feeling like shit over Alec. It seems that’s all he’s been doing lately.

“You got my text?” Jace asks, sighing when Magnus shrugs. He’s never got his phone on him. “They were out of chocolate mix, had to buy lemmon.”

“That’s okay. Simon likes everything.”

“What happened to the cake you were making? Burnt the kitchen down, _again_?” Jace notices Magnus’s face then. “Mags, are you okay?”

The thing is Jace is not a bad friend. He’s actually nice when he puts his mind to it. Magnus doesn’t mind the sarcasm and the friendly banter. It’s something he and Alec have never been able to share, despite all the years they’ve been friends. Magnus doesn’t really like making fun of Alec. Alec’s not weak, he could take it, but there’s something that just feels wrong. He’s never liked the way Alec seems to take it to heart, laughing but not quite having fun. Jace is the opposite. He and Magnus could spend the day shouting insults to each other and still be best friends.

In fact, Jace is the opposite of Alec in every aspect. They react to things differently, that’s all. When Magnus was twelve and broke his arm Alec had started crying, thinking he was going to die. Jace had gone into a laughing fit so hard Magnus thought he was going to choke to death.

So when Jace asks him if he’s okay Magnus wants to talk to him like he would talk to Alec, but they’re different people. Jace would understand, just not as much as Alec would. The thought leaves Magnus with a lump in his throat, unable to swallow past the sharp edges. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt more alone.

“It’s about Alec, isn’t it?” Jace asks. “You know, if you just talked to him and stopped moping around like a sad pup-“

“We talked. He was helping me with Simon’s cake and then he disappeared.”

Jace frowns. “What do you mean, disappeared? Did the aliens take him?”

“No, you idiot. He’s probably in our room, avoiding me.”

“Then he ain’t disappeared, he’s just avoiding you.”

“Way to go Jace,” Magnus says dryly.

“This isn’t my fault, though. It’s not your fault either. I feel like all we do is talk about Alec, wonder how Alec is feeling. Jesus Christ, if I keep worrying so much about the damn kid I might as well adopt him myself.”

Magnus ignores him. “I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you for it.”

Jace is trying his best not to go off, Magnus can tell. He and Alec have never been close, but lately it seems like the whole Alec thing, as Magnus likes to call it in his head, is making Jace grow more and more irritated. It’d be a lie to say Magnus doesn’t enjoy it, though. At the end of the day, an angry Jace is a funny Jace.

“We talked about Maia for a bit,” Magnus says, turning the TV off when the credits start to roll. “About Jordan.”

Jace doesn’t seem too interested. “And? I mean, we all talk about Maia and Jordan sometimes, how can you not?”

“He seemed upset about it.”

“No offense Mags, but I think you’re reading into this too much. What I’d worry about is the fact that Simon’s birthday is tomorrow and you haven’t even started on the fucking cake. We’ll have to use the one you baked with Alec if you don’t move your ass.”

“Can’t you ask Lydia to do it? C’mon, she’s the kitchen goddess. And she likes Simon a lot, too.”

Jace laughs, says, “Don’t let Izzy hear you say that.”

“Pretty please?” Magnus pouts, moving closer to where Jace is sitting on the couch. He crawls onto his lap. “I’m exhausted.”

“Excuse me? You’re exhausted? I’m the one who’s been working all day to bring some _cake_ to the table.”

Magnus laughs so hard his eyes get wet. Jace pinches his cheek and tells him how much of a spoiled asshole he is. They start wrestling over Jace’s phone, which results in Jace sitting on Magnus, pining his wrists on top of his head. Even though Magnus can’t see his own face, he’s pretty sure it must be flushed from all the struggling. Jace’s taekwando lessons really paid off.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” comes an impatient voice from the end of the stairs, “can we talk for a second Magnus?”

Jace smirks before letting Magnus go. He makes sure to do it slow enough for Alec to feel uncomfortable. Magnus tries to hide his worry as he walks towards Alec, thinking of a hundred things Alec might want to talk to him about, none of them good news. He follows Alec upstairs into their room. They stand in silence for a while until Alec closes the door, biting his lip.

This time Magnus can’t control himself. “Don’t do that,” he says as soft as he can. “You’ll make yourself bleed.”

Something flashes in Alec’s eyes. “Sorry for interrupting.”

“We weren’t doing anything, so.”

Alec seems more nervous than before. He’s stopped biting his lip, but his hands are still shaky. Magnus wishes he could reach out and touch him, tell him it’ll be okay even if it’s a lie.

“Okay,” Alec says. His sweater’s too big on him. He’s hiding behind layers of clothes again. “I’m sorry about before, didn’t mean to leave like that.”

Then why did you? Magnus swallows the question back up. That’d only make Alec feel worse and all Magnus wants-always- is for Alec to feel his best. There’s a buzzing under his skin, he realizes, like his body is waiting for Alec’s touch. It’s been so long.

Magnus slowly reaches out, his hand stretched in midair to meet with Alec’s shoulder, the only place that feels right to touch. Not too personal, yet not too awkward. Alec feels warm under his palm.

“C’mon love,” Magnus says. He knows the petname will do, has seen how Alec reacts to praise and kind words. “What’s wrong?”

Alec looks away. “Nothing. Just wondering if it’d be okay if I brought someone to Simon’s party?”

He’s lying, Magnus can tell. “No problem. Someone from school?”

“Um, no.”

The lack of information leaves Magnus’s brain fussing over the endless possibilities. He tries not to sound too interested. Tries and fails.

“A girl, Alexander?” he makes his voice sound scandalized. “Is that what’s been keeping you so busy?”

Alec shifts, shrugging Magnus’s hand off. “It’s a he, actually. A friend.”

Magnus feels like the floor is shaking under his feet. He had thought he knew all of Alec’s friends, had thought he was important enough to Alec to know if someone new came into his life. Magnus refuses to feel betrayed over this, yet there’s a bitter taste in his mouth and a lump in his throat that he can’t quite explain. He’s never had to share Alec before. It’s needless to say he doesn’t think Alec is his property, at all, because Alec is and has always been his own person, but he used to think of himself as Alec’s best friend. They were each other’s favorite person. Magnus doesn’t want to believe that a few months of drifting apart can dissolve years of friendship. Alec would never let that happen to them. At least, that’s what he has to tell himself in order to breathe.

“That’s cool. Is that all you wanted to talk about?” Magnus says in a detached voice.

Alec’s gone back to biting his lip. Magnus pretends not to notice it, although it’s hard because he’s munching on it so hard it comes away a bloody red. He doesn’t answer to Magnus’s question, instead seeming very interested in the carpet.

Magnus tries not to snap at him. “So, can I go back downstairs or what?”

“Sorry, yeah,” Alec says, eyes wide. “Again, sorry about the cake.”

Magnus feels his stomach drop. He probably left because he was talking to this friend of his. They were probably talking shit about Magnus and planning how to destroy the Earth. Most likely anyways. Not that Magnus feels replaced. He thinks he’s had enough of Alec for the day, so when he meets Jace at the end of the stairs and asks if he can sleep in his room tonight he doesn’t feel guilty at all.

“Shouldn’t you let him know you’re spending the night here?” Jace asks him, handing him a pillow. “You always sleep together.”

“I don’t want to talk to him right now,” Magnus says. “He’s just- I don’t know. Feels like we’re done for today.”

Jace whistles. “Damn. What did he want to talk about? He certainly was throwing some daggers at me with his eyes when he came into the living room.”

“As if. He doesn’t give a shit. Actually, he wanted to tell me he’s got a new friend that he’s going to bring to Simon’s party tomorrow.”

“A friend? He’s got friends outside this place?”

“Don’t be a dick J.”

“I’m so not being a dick,” Jace says. He ties his hair with a wristband. “Someone from school?”

“No.”

That seems to spark up Jace’s interest. “Then where the fuck did they meet? Alec’s not exactly what you’d call a social person.”

“He wouldn’t say.”

Magnus feels anger bubbling up inside him. He’s not mad at Alec. Well, maybe he is, a little bit. It’s a new thing. He’s never been angry at the boy, doesn’t really know how to be mad at him either. He wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him.

“Let me guess, it’s a girl? That’s what’s got you so riled up.”

“I’m not riled up,” Magnus whines. “And it’s a boy.”

Jace’s phone buzzes with a new text and he doesn’t seem too interested anymore. “Oh. Well, guess we’ll find out tomorrow, huh?”

 

Lydia ends up frosting Magnus’s cake instead of baking another one. It ends up pretty decent, or as decent as a half burnt cake can be. She throws some skittles and candy over it when she’s finished with the frosting. Jace tries to lick some of it, but Lydia manages to keep him away from the cake until it’s packed and ready to go.

“Aren’t we supposed to wait for Alec?” she asks as they get in Maryse’s car. “I thought he was coming with us.”

They’re both looking at Magnus. “No, he said he was going on his own.”

“With his new friend?”

“Alec’s got a new friend?” Lydia asks. “That’s great. What’s with the long face? You don’t like them or something?”

Magnus wants to crash the car. “Why do you assume I know the guy? He’s Alec’s friend, not mine.”

Lydia frowns. “I don’t know, I guess I just thought since you two are so close-“

“Can we _please_ talk about something else?”

By the time they make it to Izzy’s place Magnus is already pissed off. Jace seems to be enjoying himself, as usual. He helps Lydia and Izzy put everything together for the surprise party and leaves Magnus alone to blow up the balloons. He’s on his third when Izzy corners him.

“So, what’s up with you and Alec?” she demands. Izzy’s like that. She doesn’t ask things, she demands to know them. “Simon told me you two aren’t talking.”

“I don’t know,” he snaps, or tries to. Who knew blowing air into balloons could be so exhausting? “He’s just distant. I’ve tried to ask, but you know how he gets.”

“And why didn’t he come with you?”

“He said he was going to come with somebody else. The fuck do I know,” Magnus tries to control his breathing. “Why don’t you talk to him? He’s your brother after all.”

Izzy’s eyes are sharp as blades. “I’m not the one he tells everything to.”

“I’m not the one either,” Magnus finds himself replying with a resentment that shocks them both. “At least not anymore.”

Izzy looks like she wants to say something else, but then people start coming in. They’re mostly kids from the Institute, but there’s also a lot of older people Magnus doesn’t know. Maryse and Robert will come by later, they told Izzy, because they were busy looking over some new files. Magnus doesn’t think Simon will mind that much, after all he’s never been too interested in creating a bond with them.

He doesn’t see Alec come in, he feels him. He’s always been able to tell whether Alec’s in the room or not, even without looking. It’s like turning on the light.

“Mags,” he says. It’s hardly a greeting, but there’s something in his voice that sounds urgent. Almost like he’s excited to see Magnus there. “Can we talk?”

He’s wearing the pair of black jeans Magnus got him for his birthday, the ones that fit tightly around his thighs and calves, and a blue cotton t-shirt. He doesn’t look any different than any other, yet Magnus never bores of watching him.

“We’re talking right now,” he says calmly. “Where’s your friend, anyways?”

“He’s talking to Lydia over there,” Alec points out to a skinny guy with a lot of tattoos. Magnus immediately doesn’t like him. “His name’s Kyle.”

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Later,” Alec says, tugging at Magnus’s hand. The touch burns Magnus’s skin. “I need to-“

“It’s alright,” Magnus sees how worked up Alec is getting. “Let’s go outside, yeah? Breathe some fresh air.”

“Okay.”

There’s only a few people in the backyard. Alec walks to a place next to the little tool shed, which keeps them hidden away from curious eyes. Now that he thinks about it, Alec has always had a thing for secret spots.

“I’m sorry,” Alec gushes out. The conversation hasn’t even started and his eyes are already getting a dangerous shade of red. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset Mags. I’m sorry you had to deal with the cake on your own and I’m sorry I didn’t come with you today and-“

“Alec,” Magnus cuts him off, “calm down. Breathe. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Alec says, one big, fat tear sliding down his cheek. “I- You… Just, can you sleep back in our room tonight?”

 _Shouldn’t you let him know you’re spending the night here,_ Jace had said, _you always sleep together._ Magnus feels his heart aching in his chest when Alec wipes away his tears with the back of his hand. It’s not about the cake, they both know it, although Magnus still doesn’t know what’s wrong he knows Alec needs some support right now. He shouldn’t have walked out on him like that, as stupid as it sounds. Jace was right, they had never spent a night apart. Not once in ten years. It’s not a secret that most of the kids in the Institute have abandonment issues, how can they not, and it’s true that Alec doesn’t know how to deal with people leaving without explaining themselves. Magnus feels like an asshole.

“It’s just a stupid cake, alright? I’m not upset with you. I slept in Jace’s room because I thought you were avoiding me and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable in your own room, ‘cause I know that’s your safe place.”

“You’re my safe place,” Alec says, his face flushed. “And I’m not avoiding you.”

“You really suck at communicating, you know” Magnus laughs. It all feels so insane. “I don’t know what happened this past month, why we stopped talking as much as we used to. I wish you’d told me you’ve made new friends.”

Alec shakes his head. “Kyle’s not a new friend. He’s not even a friend, I think. I just- I didn’t want to come here alone.”

“Why didn’t you come with me?”

“Because I thought we were fighting, I don’t know. I’m stupid.”

Magnus feels like he’s about to burst. He hugs Alec to his chest so tight he might as well be smothering him, yet Alec doesn’t complain. He presses a kiss to the top of his head and laughs at how stupid they both are. He’s not _that_ stupid, he knows there’s a lot of things Alec isn’t telling him, but those things can wait. There’s nothing more important than the boy in his arms, nuzzling into his neck like he always does-that spot that he claimed as his when they were still kids. His chest rises and falls with slow breaths against Magnus’s.

“I’m sorry too. I should have told you I was sleeping in Jace’s room.”

Alec huffs, “Guess now we’re even, yeah?”

Eventually, too soon for Magnus’s liking, they have to break apart. They need to go back inside. It’d be weird if they stood out here for the rest of the party, even if that’s exactly what Magnus would like to do. Alec’s grip on his hand is so tight Magnus is sure he’ll have bruises tomorrow. Not that he cares.

“Where did you meet this guy?” Magnus asks as they see Kyle drinking his second beer of the night. “He looks… old.”

“You’re old,” Alec points out. “He’s in my Maths class.”

“How many times did he fail?”

“Two. I don’t know. He’s really nice though. You’ll like him.”

Magnus doesn’t think so, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He’s got his boy back, for now, and that’s more important than some stupid competition with this new _friend_. He’s secretly kind of proud of Alec for stepping out and making some friends. He’ll tell him so later, when they’re alone.

Kyle joins them after a while. “Hey, name’s Kyle. You’re Magnus, right?”

“Yeah. Good to meet you.”

They stare at each other for a while. Alec’s talking about school and Maths homework, but Magnus isn’t really listening. He’s watching Kyle instead. Despite his tattoos and stubble he doesn’t look much older than Magnus, which makes him feel strangely pleased with himself. He hasn’t felt so protective of Alec since they were kids.

“That Lydia girl is funny as shit. You never said there were girls where you live, I thought it was an all-boys thing,” Kyle tells Alec. “I can’t believe you haven’t asked her out already.”

Alec shifts uncomfortably, crosses his arms over his chest. “Yeah. She’s not my type.”

What is his type, though? Magnus doesn’t know. They haven’t talked about girls ever since Magnus turned fourteen and told Alec he didn’t like them, didn’t think he ever would. Alec had only been twelve back then, but he’d known what it meant. After that he had never asked Magnus anything about his love life, so Magnus did the same. Girls weren’t exactly an awkward topic for them, it was just a dull one. Magnus supposedly didn’t like them and Alec hadn’t dated one yet.

From the corner of his eye Magnus catches Izzy looking at Alec’s hand in his. She’s smiling.

When the party’s over and they’re back in their room, Alec asks him if he can sleep in his bed. Magnus has started to recognize a pattern. Alec only ever sleeps with him when he’s had a really rough day. He knows he should try and work out some kind of distance agreement between them, because it sure as hell can’t be healthy for Alec to depend on Magnus so much that he has a breakdown over him having a sleepover at Jace’s room. But it’s been so long since he’s had Alec to himself, since they’ve really talked. He shouldn’t, but Magnus says yes.

Alec climbs into bed with him, sandwiched between Magnus and the wall. He’s biting his lip again, which Magnus notices instantly. Instead of saying anything, Magnus touches his lower lip gently, like he’d do to a child with a scraped knee. Alec cuddles into his side as Magnus rubs his back in wide circles. It’s a while before Magnus realizes he’s shaking.

“Do you- um,” Alec tumbles over his own words. “Do you and Jace...?”

“God, _no._ Jace likes pussy so much he might as well get it tattooed on his forehead.”

Alec is quiet for a while. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to ask, Magnus knows. He’s never been much of a talker, let alone someone who asks questions. Alec doesn’t like making people uncomfortable because it makes _him_ feel uncomfortable. Pretty much everything makes him feel awkward, though.

“Is that why you were so upset today?” Magnus asks, picking his words very carefully. He can already feel Alec trembling in his arms. “Even if Jace and I were together, I’d never ditch you.”

“You can date whoever you want,” Alec mumbles. “Just, Jace is not… I don’t know.”

“He can be a dick sometimes, but he’s not bad. Maybe if you gave him a chance.”

Alec looks hurt. “I’ve tried to like him. He’s always so... straightforward.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I honestly don’t,” Magnus finds himself saying. He’s always had a soft spot for this, staying up late with Alec just to talk. It’s like things come pouring out of his mouth. “Feels like I don’t know anything about you these days.”

Alec moves away from him in bed, as far as the wall will let him. “You know more than anyone else.”

“I still don’t know everything.”

“You can’t ever know everything about a person,” Alec says. Even in the darkness of the room Magnus knows he’s not looking at him. “You wouldn’t like it, anyways.”

“I’d still love you, you know” Magnus says out loud. It comes off strange. They’ve said they love each other a thousand times, but this time it comes out of Magnus’s mouth in a hurry. “If you told me.”

“I got into college,” Alec blurts out. “The one I applied for at the start of the year.”

“That’s amazing babe,” Magnus says. His tongue twists into a tight knot. “You’re all grown up.”

“I don’t feel like it, though. Feels like I’m a kid walking around in grown up clothes.”

Magnus reaches out blindly for his hand, gives it a squeeze. “Is that what's got you so blue? The whole growing up thing?”

“No.”

“Alec. If there’s something wrong-“

“I’ve started remembering things,” Alec says, choking on his own words. He’s talking so fast Magnus can barely understand what he’s saying. “From before.”

Magnus is at a loss. “What do you mean? From before what?”

“Before Maryse and Robert took me in.”

Time slows down for a while. He’s overly aware of the way Alec's trembling again, his hands shaking in his. Magnus wonders if there’s a word for this feeling, like he’s staring straight into an abyss but can’t look away, just waiting for whatever is hiding there to come crawling out. Magnus doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s scared. And if he’s scared, he can’t imagine what Alec’s feeling.

“Okay,” he says after what feels like a million years. “It’s okay. Do you want to tell me about it?”

Alec lets out a strangled noise. Suddenly, everything feels too real. This is the type of thing Magnus would see on the Oprah show, some teenage kid talking about his cloudy past, crying on TV while people sit at home and thank God it didn’t happen to their children. Except this is real, this is Alec. When he’s sure Alec won’t say anything else, Magnus tries to project security.

He doesn’t say he’s sorry, Alec hates it. “I’ll be here when you want to talk about it. I’m really proud of you, for getting into that college and for talking to me about this. Do you still want a cuddle?”

Alec falls asleep as soon as his head touches Magnus’s chest. Magnus, on the other hand, stays awake for hours, hearing Alec’s words inside his head over and over again. _I’ve started remembering things._


	3. THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

THREE

 

Maia comes by the next morning with a busted lip and a split eyebrow. It’s not the worst Magnus has seen her, but it sure isn’t the best. At least she’s not limping this time. Jace is already fussing over her when he and Alec go downstairs for breakfast. Alec goes quiet when he sees her sitting on the couch and holding an ice pad to her cheek.

“You know, one would think you actually like your face,” Jace is saying. “But clearly you don’t like it enough to leave the asshole that’s fucking it up.”

Magnus sighs. He loves Jace, but he’s not the best when it comes to feelings. Alec’s clinging to him, holding his hand in both of his, and he gives Magnus a confused look when he tells him to go into the kitchen without him.

“I thought we were having breakfast together,” Alec says, low enough for only Magnus to hear.

“We are. I just wanna talk to Maia first, okay? Can you go and make sure Jace hasn’t eaten everything?”

“I haven’t even had breakfast,” Jace snorts. “She just woke me up.”

Alec doesn’t need a lot of prompting to leave. He doesn’t know how to deal with Maia when she’s like that, never has. It scares him, Magnus thinks, all the blood and the gauze. He crouches down in front of Maia, taking in the swelling under her eye.

“He kicked me out,” Maia says, as soon as Magnus opens his mouth. “Said we were done.”

“He always says that,” Jace throws in. He can’t help himself. “And then, boom, he’s got you holed up in his place again.”

“He doesn’t have me holed up. That’s my place too.”

Magnus is already getting a headache. “Well, you can stay here as long as you want. You know Maryse and Robert don’t have a problem with it.”

“You’re gonna stay with Lydia this time. I’m not going to let you mess up my room like last time.”

“You know, Jace,” Maia says through a smile. “Sometimes I think you do have some OCD tendencies.”

“Some? He’s got his underwear organized by color.”

“I like things tidy. It makes life simpler.”

“So, breakfast?” Magnus asks, already looking for Alec. “We can talk some more after we’ve put some food in you.”

Jace stops them. “Wait. I can’t believe I’m asking this, but is Alec okay? He seems… off. Like, more than usual.”

Magnus gives him a tight smile. “He’ll be okay. Thanks for asking, J.”

The table is already set when they walk in. Alec hasn’t started eating yet, Magnus knows. They always wait for the other to get there before they have breakfast. It feels wrong otherwise, like breaking a family tradition. Magnus feels something in his brain shifting. Alec is his family, he reminds himself as he sits down next to him on the table, his brother. Nothing more.

Alec tries not to stare at Maia’s face. He drinks orange juice in silence and looks soft with sleep, like Magnus loves him to look. He thinks if he got to do this forever, just wake up and have breakfast with Alec until he dies, then he’d die a happy man. Magnus has never expected much of life, doesn’t have a lot of big dreams to chase, but he’s got this one.

“How’s school going kid?” Maia asks Alec, trying to break some of the tension. “You’re still getting straight A’s?”

“Yeah. Except in Math,” Alec says, stealing a bite from Magnus’s toast. “Got a B on my last test.”

“What’s wrong with getting B’s? I always got them and look at me. I’m doing fine.”

“Doing fine with the ladies,” Magnus says, rolling his eyes. “Everything else in your life is kind of a mess.”

“At least I’ve got myself some ladies. When was the last time you got laid?”

Magnus feels Alec go tense next to him. “Not that long ago, actually.”

“I bet the dinosaurs still walked the Earth last time you had a dick up your-“

“Boys,” Maia says, throwing her head back. “My nose is bleeding. Again.”

“That much I can tell,” Jace says, struggling to keep the disgust out of his voice. “It’s going to get on the tablecloth. Go wash up.”

“I could get you some cotton for that, if you want,” Alec says, already getting up.

“Tampons will do,” Maia huffs. “Blue box in the bathroom counter. You can’t miss them.”

Alec seems happy to get out of there. Magnus tries not to overthink things too much. Alec knows he’s "gay", he doesn’t have a problem with it. Hearing about your best friend’s –almost brother- sexual experiences can be a bit awkward. That must be it.

Alec comes into the room looking flushed. He hands the tampons out to Maia.

“Thank you pumpkin,” she tells him, pushing one up her nose. She looks funny with it. Magnus is almost able to look past the ugly bruises. Almost.

Alec tells them he’s going upstairs to finish his homework. Magnus stays behind to have a word with Maia. They’ve had a lot of talks over the years. Interventions, friendly advice, whatever people call it these days. Maia never listens, Jace gets annoyed, Magnus drops it. It’s funny in a sick way, that she’s holding so tightly to someone who hurts her. Magnus tries to find some profound meaning in that but his brain is too tired from staying up all night, worrying about Alec, to come up with anything.

“I swear this time is different,” Maia starts. “I know I always say that, but this time-“

“I could hurt him, if you’d let me. I know a guy who knows a guy who likes to scare people off. He’s quite good at it,” Jace says. He looks hopeful.

“No,” Maia shakes her head. She looks at Magnus, begging him to understand. Magnus doesn’t. “It’ll be okay. He’s done with me this time.”

“Is your face all that’s hurt? I can drive you to the hospital after lunch if you want.”

“My ribs hurt a bit when I move, but I don’t think anything’s broken,” Maia says, scraping off her nail polish. It reminds Magnus of how Alec bites his lip. “I swear I’m okay.”

Magnus is tired of hearing her say it, so he just nods and goes to find Alec. He’s in Magnus’s bed, which isn’t a surprise considering he slept there last night, but he’s not doing any homework. He’s staring up at the ceiling so hard Magnus wonders if he’ll even notice he’s there.

“She’ll go back to him, won’t she?” Alec asks, still not looking up as Magnus crawls into bed next to him.

“Yeah, I suppose she will at some point.”

“Why?” Alec asks. He’s not being noisy, Magnus knows. He’s honestly intrigued. “Why would you go back to someone who hurts you?”

“I don’t know babe. Maybe Maia thinks he loves her, that he’ll change. That _she_ will change _him_.”

“She’s scared, I think.”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe she thinks no one else will love her, so she takes whatever he gives her because... it’s better than being alone.”

Magnus swallows. He wonders what he did to deserve this boy, but he can’t come up with anything.

“Do you feel like that?”

“Like what?”

“Alone.”

“No,” Alec says too quickly for it to be true. “Do you?”

Magnus thinks it over. “Sometimes.”

“You never- I mean. What Jace said…”

“Don’t listen to what Jace says,” Magnus groans. “I take back all the nice things I’ve ever said about him, he’s a dick.”

Alec won’t tear his eyes away from the ceiling. “I’ve never met any of your boyfriends.”

“I’ve never had one,” Magnus says slowly. “Why the sudden interest?”

“But you’ve dated, haven’t you?” Alec asks. His voice sounds funny. “’Cause I’ve never… I don’t think I’ll ever, you know.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t get what you’re saying.”

Alec lets out a huff. “Nothing. I’m just being stupid. Like always.”

“You’re not stupid,” Magnus tells him. “You’re the smartest person I know.”

“You have to say that.”

“No, I don’t,” Magnus pokes Alec’s cheek with his finger.

“Yeah, because you’re my best friend. It’s on the contract.”

Best friend. The word hits Magnus so hard he might as well have ran into a stone wall. That’s what he is, isn’t he? Alec’s best friend. He’ll have to be here when Alec gets his first girlfriend, will have to listen to him talking about his first time with her, and stand there when he gets married. He’ll probably be the godfather to his kids. Magnus feels a wave of nausea leaping at him, threatening to pull him under. He puts his hand over his mouth, as if to keep from throwing up.

He can feel Alec watching him closely, but he can’t bring himself to care. It feels like the world is over. Magnus decides he’s not going to think about this again. He’ll put it in his DO NOT OPEN box, the one that is pushed far away in his mind, full of things he doesn’t let himself think about. There’s a lot of stuff in there. Magnus plans to duct tape it and leave it to rot. He’s always been good at avoiding things.

“What are you thinking about?” Alec asks him. This time, when Magnus looks at him, he realizes how long his eyelashes really are. It’s a weird thing to think about, but Magnus knows they look a lot prettier when they’re wet with tears.

“Nothing,” he says, trying to shake off the feeling that Alec knows exactly what he was thinking about. “About Maia, kind of.”

“What about her?”

“She reminds me a lot of you,” Magnus says, watching Alec frown. “Always saying she’s fine.”

“Izzy says I’m not a good liar. I’m always giving myself away.”

“Yeah, well. I guess you’re not really lying when you tell people you’re fine. You kind of believe it, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.”

There’s a knock on the door. Robert lets himself in, not surprised when he sees they’re in the same bed. Why would it be strange? They’ve shared a bedroom for years, slept in the same bed countless of times. Magnus needs to stop over analyzing everything, or else his brain is going to explode.

“Don’t get up boys, it’s okay. I heard Maia’s back. Again.”

“Yeah, I told her she could stay with Lydia. She’s got an extra bed.”

Robert smiles, “You did good. I wanted to talk to you about Jordan, actually. I see they’re still having issues.”

What he means is that he’s still hitting her. Magnus doesn’t point that out. Alec seems content to let Magnus do all the talking.

“The thing is Maia’s not the only kid living here. Last time Jordan came looking for her here we had seven broken windows,” Robert says. “He scares the youngest ones.”

Magnus knows. He’s heard the made up stories the seven year olds tell about Jordan. How he’s always roaming with a baseball bat, ready to bash anyone’s head in if he doesn’t get what he wants. And what he wants, they say, is his girlfriend’s head on a spike. Kids are really imaginative these days, Magnus has to say that much.

“Next time you see him call the cops,” Robert goes on. His eyes seem tired, like he’s raised fifty generations of lost children. He probably has. “Don’t let Maia talk you out of it. Enough is enough.”

“Alright.”

When he finally leaves Alec hides his face in Magnus’s neck, plants a tiny kiss there. A ghost kiss, so light Magnus could have easily made it up. Things start to go downhill when he starts thinking about other kind of kisses. French ones, for example. With Alec. He needs to cool down.

“I’m going out,” he says, hopping out of bed and unsuccessfully avoiding Alec’s hurt look. “We’ll talk later.”

He goes straight to Jace’s room. He doesn’t knock, just bursts into the room, already talking about Alec. It’s not until he’s on the third word that he sees Jace is definitely not alone. There’s a red haired girl under the covers with him, one that Magnus has never seen before. Is everyone getting laid in there except for him?

“Unless you plan on joining us, get the fuck out Mags,” Jace says.

Magnus is so not up for a threesome. He slams the door closed on his way out. It hits him right there. He’s horny, this is what this is. Jace was right. He hasn’t got laid in so long his brain is playing tricks on him. Magnus doesn’t like Alec like that, it’s just hormones. Hormones and loneliness. A bad combination. That’s all.

He goes through the contacts in his phone, finds the one he was looking for and sends a text. Something along the lines of _‘Are you up for a quickie ?’_ He refuses to feel bad. Everyone’s got urges. The guy’s reply comes through a second later.

_sure, meet you in 15 behind the blue house_

It’s not the best fuck of his life, but it’s not the worst either. He always feel like this when it’s over. Tipsy. God bless Jace and his big mouth. He does talk some truth from time to time. Magnus feels much lighter now, his head cleared enough that he can sit by himself and think about Alec without feeling weird. Best friend. People don’t want to fuck their best friends, do they? Magnus shouldn’t want to fuck Alec. He doesn’t.

He doesn’t want to fuck Alec, though. That much is true. He wants it to be more than just a quick fuck. He wants to kiss him before, during and after. Magnus’s hands shake when he thinks about it. The nausea is back, so he does what he’s good at. He tells Random Guy bye, thanks him for the good time and pushes the Alec thing to the back of his brain, where it belongs.

It feels wrong to go back to the Institute so soon. Almost like they’ll know what he’s been doing. Magnus walks around the neighborhood for a while before calling it a day. He’s been trying not to think about it but he does feel like a dick for leaving Alec alone like that. Especially after last night.

He runs into Maia on his way inside.

“Where are you going?”

She looks like a caged animal. “Look, I know what I said, but he just called me-“

“Maia,” Magnus says. He feels like his head is about to explode. Or implode. Or both. “Maia, are you even listening to yourself?”

“This is my life. What do you know about Jordan anyways? You’ve never given him a chance,” she snaps. Last time she used the _it’s my life_ line, Jace yelled at her so hard Magnus thought he was going to have a heart attack. “I’m sick of people telling me what to do.”

Magnus sighs. It comes off as annoyed, which he is. “I’m not telling you what to do. Jordan’s fucking insane, you can’t deny that. You’re my friend. Am I supposed to let you walk straight into the wolf’s trap?”

Maia laughs at him. Magnus knows this isn’t her. This is Jordan’s Maia talking. It doesn’t hurt any less when the words come out of her mouth.

“You’re just jealous Mags, because I have someone that loves me. What do you have? A fucked up kid that thinks you’re a God but only likes you as a friend. Now that’s sad.”

Magnus blinks at her. “I’m going to act like you didn’t just say that.”

“Why? Because you know it’s true,” she takes her phone out. Jordan’s calling her, probably. “I used to think you guys were cute, but it’s just gross.”

“Sorry for trying to help you then,” Magnus manages to say. “Whatever.”

“Help me? Why don’t you help yourself first?”

When Magnus sees Jordan’s car turning around the corner he walks inside. He understands now how Jace felt that time. He could scream at Maia for an hour and not get tired. But that’s not who he is. He’s nice Magnus. He knows Maia didn’t mean those things. He knows Maia is probably using stuff again. He knows, he knows, he knows. Yet, Magnus can’t help but wonder. How much of what she’s just said is true? He’s got a feeling she got mostly everything right.

“Hey,” Alec says when he bumps into him on the stairs. “I was going to- oh.”

“What’s wrong?”

Alec reaches out, like he wants to touch his neck but stops himself before his fingers reach Magnus. He’s hard to read when he gets like this, all quiet and distant. Magnus brings a hand to his neck.

“Glad to see you had fun,” Alec says. Izzy is right, when is she not. He’s a terrible liar.

Magnus curses Random Guy in his mind. As soon as Alec leaves he’s going to text him a big NO HICKEYS NEXT TIME, all capital letters and several exclamation signs. This is just what he needed, for Alec to look at him like he doesn’t know him, with that smile he uses when he doesn’t want his face to show how upset he is. Magnus wants to go out right now and ask Jordan to run him over with his car. Put him out of his misery.

“I’m going to Kyle’s house,” Alec says. He’s out of there so fast Magnus barely has time to process it.

Magnus has never been one to dwell on his misery, but as soon as he reaches the couch he buries his face in one of the ugly decorative pillows Maryse bought last year and groans. There’s only so much a man can take. He still feels kind of boneless from Random Guy’s hands and it’s easy to fall asleep like that, thinking of how much easier life would be if all there was to it was food and sleep. That’d be something Magnus couldn’t fuck up.

The red haired girl from before wakes him up. He’s in a worse mood than before.

“Who are you?”

“Clary,” she says. She’s not like the girls Jace usually brings around. _And_ she’s a red-head. “You’re Magnus, right?”

No, I’m an asshole, Magnus is tempted to say. Maia’s face pops up in his mind, like an advertisement you can’t get away from. Yeah, you are, she would say, that’s why Alec doesn’t like you. He feels Clary watching him. She’s pretty, the way Jace’s girls always are, yet she seems different. There’s something sharp about her.

“I already met Alec,” she goes on. “I’ve got to say Jace was wrong. He’s a lot more social than you.”

“What? I am social.”

“It took you five minutes to answer my question. You didn’t even answer.”

Magnus laughs. He’s going to like this one. “Okay kiddo. Is Jace upstairs?”

“No. He’s at work.”

“Is Alec here?”

Clary watches him with curious eyes. “No, he’s still at his friend’s house.”

“Then when did you meet him?”

“He came into Jace’s room five minutes after you did. I think he was looking for you.”

Oh. Well. “How did you and Jace meet?”

“At an art gallery downtown,” Clary tells him, toying with one of her red locks.

Magnus snorts. “No, really. Where did you meet him?”

“At an art gallery. I just told you.”

“Jace doesn’t like art. Are you sure we’re talking about the same guy?”

Clary pretends to think about it for a bit. “Blonde, sarcastic, keeps his room so clean it’s disgusting.”

“Yeah. That’s Jace.”

“He didn’t tell me this was a foster home until I was already inside. Sneaky bastard.”

“It’s not a foster home,” Magnus finds himself saying. He usually doesn’t bother correcting people about it. It’s not like it matters. “A foster home doesn’t have so many kids. This is an orphanage.”

Clary blinks. “Oh, Jace said-“

“Foster home sounds nicer. That’s all.”

“Don’t you have like, visits and interviews with potential parents and stuff? My cousin is adopted and she had a billion before my aunt got her.”

Magnus bites the inside of his cheek. “The youngest ones do. After you turn ten it gets harder.”

“Why’s that?”

“People like to adopt little kids so they can, you know, really insert them into their families. It gets kind of hard when you get older.”

Clary’s silent for a while. None of the girls before have been this interested in Jace’s life, or surroundings, so it’s strange. They usually sneak into the middle of the night, have a good time and then Jace kicks them out before everyone else wakes up.

“Did anyone try to adopt Jace?” she asks. “I’m sure he was a cute kid.”

Magnus knows this is crossing the line, so he slows down with the answers.

“Guess you’ll have to ask him to let you see the photo albums. He dyed his hair blue when he was fourteen, now that’s a sight I’d pay to see.”

“Who even runs this place? I’ve been her four times and never seen anyone older than eighteen.”

“Ouch,” Magnus says, hand over his heart, “I’m nineteen.”

“Do _you_ run this place?”

“Maryse and Robert do. Most of the kids are old now. They haven’t taken in a new one in years. They’re here for the legal stuff, you know, sign school notes and lunch money, but besides that everyone here does their thing.”

“Sounds nice. You’ve got a lot of freedom. That means they trust you.”

Magnus supposes they do. He’s never felt choked by authority here, which is nice. Things did turn out fine for him in the end. He got tossed here, of all places, and he’s met some cool people too. It’s not often that he thinks about it because it’s all so natural to him. There are times, like now, when he wonders what life could have been like if his parents hadn’t died and his uncle had had enough money to raise him. He wouldn’t have met Alec. Suddenly, that daydream life seems dull.

Clary takes a notebook out of her bag. It’s got doodles and sketches all over it. She notices Magnus watching her and raises an eyebrow at him, prompting him to ask.

“You’re an art student, aren’t you?”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

Magnus laughs at that. “It’s not a bad thing. It’s the _worst_ thing you can be.”

“What?”

“I’m kidding. To be honest I’m just jealous because I can’t draw shit.”

“You can’t be that bad.”

“I failed art. In middle school.”

“Is that even possible?” Clary laughs. “Oh, hey Alec. I thought you were going to sleep at your friend’s house.”

Magnus’s heart aches. Alec’s never spent a night away from the Institute. He used to get invited to sleep overs when he was younger, mostly by noisy parents who thought the place was the type where kids are starved and dirty. He always refused. Magnus doesn’t want to think he’s the reason behind it, but his egocentric brain gets the best of him.

Alec doesn’t look at him. “I have things to do tomorrow morning, so. It was nice meeting you, Clary,” he says, already halfway up the stairs.

“He seems like a sweet kid,” Clary tells Magnus when Alec’s out of sight. “Jace said he’s your best friend.”

God, Magnus thinks, is everyone going to mention that today? He knows she meant it in a nice way, the way you compliment someone on their new haircut without knowing they hate how it looks and wish they could go back and never get it cut. Not that Magnus regrets anything about Alec. Maybe just the best friend label. That much he could do without. She was kind enough not to bring up Magnus’s hickey, at least.

Clary goes back to drawing. Magnus goes back to hating himself.


	4. FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

FOUR

 

They all drift together after that. Clary doesn’t live there, but she spends most of her time with them. Even Izzy starts hanging out there, once she finds out that Jace has a serious girlfriend, and brings Simon along. Lydia’s got her own thing, as usual. Magnus gets paid to help the kids next door with their English homework, writing most of their essays himself. Alec’s a different story. He has distanced himself from Magnus, making sure their schedules are different and their paths don’t cross. He’s become Clary’s biggest fan, too, which has Magnus sulking. No one’s heard anything about Maia in two weeks.

Magnus is lying on his stomach on the grass. He watches Alec laughing at one of Clary’s jokes and wishes the Earth would swallow him whole. Jace and Alec are closer now, closer than Magnus and Alec, but then again anyone is closer to Alec than Magnus these days. He refuses to feel isolated, but. It’s hard when you _are_ isolated. On top of everything else, Magnus has noticed the way Jace looks at him sometimes, with a smug look on his face that makes Magnus want to punch him and knock out some of his teeth. Like Jace knows some shit and won’t open his mouth about. So yeah, Magnus is not an idiot, he can tell when he's third-wheeling. In this case, he’s the sixth wheel.

He sighs. They’re having a picnic in the backyard, Clary’s idea. Magnus hasn’t been here since he was a kid. This was his favorite place to play hide and seek with Alec. His body hurts when he remembers those times, how he had thought they’d last forever. Now he and Alec can barely be in the same room without one of them saying excuses, counting the minutes to get out.

Everyone is worried about Maia. Everyone but him. Magnus feels like shit because of it, but he can’t help it. It’s not something he’d ever share with anyone. Ever since Maia left he can’t stop thinking about what she said, dissecting every sentence that came from her mouth, slicing open every word. He hopes she’s okay, yet the thought of ever seeing her again turns his mouth into a desert. Forgiving and forgetting is not that easy.

“Magnus broke his arm right over there,” Jace laughs. He always laughs when he tells this story. “You should have seen his face. He looked like he was going to shit his pants.”

Magnus doesn’t even have the energy to reply, he turns on his back a little to watch the clouds above him and tries, tries, tries not to look at Alec.

“It’s not funny,” Alec says, somewhere in the distance. Despite not looking at him, Magnus knows he’s not too far away. “It must have hurt a lot.”

“And you,” Jace shouts, probably crying from how hard he’s laughing. “started crying, already asking if he was going to die.”

“I just worried,” Alec quickly says. “His arm was all twisted.”

Clary slaps Jace, or at least that’s what Magnus hears. “Don’t be mean to Alec. He’s in touch with his feelings, unlike you.”

“I don’t have feelings,” Jace says. “There’s a difference.”

“Oh, come off it you idiot,” Simon interrupts. He’s rolling his eyes, Magnus can tell. “I’ve seen you cry while watching Titanic.”

“It’s a classic. You can’t not cry while watching it. When the mom is reading to the kids, damn. That gets me every time.”

“Mags, why don’t you come join us?” Clary says. “You’re all there by yourself.”

He groans as he pushes himself up to a sitting position. They’re all watching him, except for Alec. He’s looking at his own hands. It makes Magnus so angry he has to bite his tongue to keep from screaming at him. What’s your problem, he’d like to yell, why are you acting like this. It’s like they’re back at square one. All their stupid talks, Magnus saying he was sorry, what was it good for if Alec’s gone back to ignoring him? Except no one’s worried about Alec anymore, because he has all these shiny new friends to replace Magnus.

“How did you even break your arm?” Simon asks. He’s got his head on Izzy’s thigh. “I don’t remember.”

“I was climbing that tree,” Magnus says. “And I fell.”

There’s more to the story than that. He fell because he had been too busy looking at Alec, making sure the boy didn’t slip, which is way too pathetic to say out loud. Magnus has always been a bit pathetic, especially as a child. He’s surprised Alec didn’t dump his sorry ass before.

Jace is still laughing when Clary says, “Oh, Alec. I almost forgot to tell you. I’ve got this friend, her name’s Sarah. I can give you her number if you want. She’s into Literature.”

“She’s also into you,” Jace adds, “Clary showed her a pic of you and she’s been asking about you non-stop ever since.”

Magnus doesn’t want to make this about him, he doesn’t, but he can’t listen to this. He can’t look at Alec and see the hopeful gleam in his eyes, the eximent at the news. Magnus’s stomach folds over itself, like it wants to disappear. He’s overly aware of the way his ribs feel too tight, like a corset someone forgot to loosen up. This is the kind of thing people write poems about. Oh God, he thinks to himself as he blocks everyone out, kill me right now. It all downs on him.

He’s no upset because Alec’s growing up. He’s not angry because Alec has new friends. He doesn’t feel like he’s about to throw up because he’s scared of Alec dating. This is happening because he likes Alec. No, he loves Alec. He’s always loved him, Magnus knows this, but these feelings are different. He doesn’t love Alec as brother, never has. Looking back now, Magnus has always had these eyes for him. He doesn’t just love him, Magnus is in love with Alec.

He can’t look at Alec now, as he gushes over this Sarah girl. Magnus can’t look at Alec because he’s positive he’ll start crying when he does. The ugly kind of crying, full on with snot running down his chin. Not a pretty sight.

“No, really,” he hears Alec say, even though he doesn’t want to. “Thank you anyways.”

Magnus gets up then. If he doesn’t get out of there fast he’s going to explode. He ignores the funny looks Izzy gives him, the playful and knowing smile on Jace’s face, he ignores them all.

“I don’t feel so good, I’m going back inside to sleep it off. See you later guys,” is all he manages through his numb tongue and lips.

The truth follows him around like a ghost. He’s in love with Alec, he’s in love with Alec, he’s in love with Alec. Magnus knows that’s not the worst part. The worst of it is that Alec is never going to see him like that. Not only because he’s straight, but because Magnus is his best friend. Nothing more. He’ll never look at Magnus and think oh, wow. He barely looks at Magnus these days anyways.

And it hurts, that’s the thing. To know he doesn’t stand a chance, that he can’t even fight it. He can’t talk to Jace about it either. Before, when it was just talking about Alec (very different than talking about Magnus’s feelings for Alec) it was good to hear someone’s advice, but now there is no advice anyone can give him.

Maia knew. He wonders how long she’s known, who else knows, if it’s that obvious. Does Alec know? What if that’s why Alec was acting so strange? Maybe he realized Magnus had a crush on him-a big one- and decided to let him down gently by putting some distance between them, hoping Magnus would pick up. Magnus wants to dig a hole for himself, deep enough so that no sunlight can come through, and die in it. Maybe he’s exaggerating. Maybe not.

It’s not until he reaches his room that he realizes how fucked he really is. He shares that room with Alec. There really is no escape. As soon as he sees Alec’s bed, imagines him sleeping there, he knows he can’t do it. He can’t do it now that he knows. He’ll have to move out, not just change rooms. He’ll have find his own place away from the Institute, away from Alec, away from these feelings.

He locks himself in the upstairs bathroom and throws up. I’m in love with Alec, he thinks as he sits on the bathtub fully clothed, and I’m having a mental breakdown.

It’s a weird way to think about it. Magnus knows this. He feels his body shutting down all the same. Jace used to do this thing when he was a kid. He explained it to Magnus once. He said that if you repeat the same word over and over and over again it eventually loses all meaning. It becomes nothing but just letters in a strange order your brain can’t understand. Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, he thinks, _Alec._ So much for dissociation, he’ll have to ask Jace to give him some lessons. Maybe he’ll have to get an exorcism done.

He’s dozed off in the tub when there’s a knock on the bathroom door. Magnus knows who it is without asking. There’s only a person that knocks like that in the whole Institute. Like he’s afraid of hurting the stupid door, knocking so gently it’s almost inaudible.

“Go away Alec,” Magnus says, fighting back nausea. “I’m okay.”

“Um, are you sure?” comes the timid reply from the other side of the door.

“Yeah.”

Magnus holds his breath, trying to listen for footsteps, but the sound never comes. Alec doesn’t leave. Magnus doesn’t want to this now, or ever. It’s only one p.m and he already feels like shit. This is worse than being hung over.

“Mags?” Alec asks in his stupid, worried voice. “Do you want me to call someone else?”

“No,” Magnus says, his forehead pressed against the cool surface of the tub. “Now please, go away.”

There’s only silence after that.

Magnus hates this. Things weren’t supposed to go this way. People are right: ignorance is bliss. He wishes he could slip back into that sweet oblivion, the soft lies that don’t hurt and make it all go away. He’s not sure what to do with himself now that he knows he’s in love with his best friend, his almost brother. Where does he put his hands now? Where does his put his body, hour after hour? He’s not going to cry about it, though. Crying in a locked bathroom would be too much, even for Magnus, who’s always been over the top. He’s not sure the tears would come if he summoned them anyways. Magnus has never been much of a crier.

Eventually, when he’s sure his stomach has calmed down, he fishes his phone from his pocket and texts Random Guy Number 2(whose real name is actually Tom), asks if they can meet somewhere in the next thirty minutes. Magnus doesn’t even want to fuck, he just needs to talk to someone who doesn’t know Alec. All of his friends are from the Institute, therefore all of them are friends with Alec too. He doesn’t want to fuck Tom, although that’s probably how it’s going to go. Magnus needs to get out of this place before he goes insane.

_my place or urs?_

Magnus does not compare this shitty text to Alec’s perfect grammar. He does not.

 _Yours_ , Magnus sends out, _be there in ten xx_

He brushes his teeth before unlocking the door. Magnus has never been a sneaky person, so he’s relieved when he sees no one’s out there waiting for him. Tom’s place is only a few blocks away. Magnus makes his way to the front door in absolute silence. He doesn’t know if everyone’s still in the backyard having fun without him, but he doesn’t want to get caught leaving and be forced to come up with some lie.

“Hey,” Tom grins at him, opening the door to his apartment. He lives with two other guys Magnus has never seen. “What’s up?”

Tom’s a nice guy. He and Magnus met back at a party and they used to hang out a lot. Magnus isn’t sure when the lines blurred and they started hooking up, but he does know it doesn’t mean anything to neither of them. Tom’s not even gay, he’s just “experimenting”. Magnus doesn’t like him, he’s just horny. _And_ lonely. _And_ sad.

“Nothing. My place is full of people and I feel like crap. Do you mind if I take a nap here?”

“Sure,” Tom tells him, points him to his bedroom. “Let me know if you want some medicine. I think Lauren has some Tylenol somewhere.”

Magnus is eternally grateful for Tom. He thinks if he had to go to sleep in his room, with a perfect view of Alec’s bed, he’d go insane. So Magnus crawls into Tom’s tiny bed and tries to soak up as much sleep as possible. When he wakes up it’s dark outside and there are fifteen missed calls flashing on his phone. So much for trying to rest.

“I heard your phone ringing,” Tom says next to him, “but I figured you needed your beauty sleep.”

“What time is it?”

“Like eight. I don’t know.”

“I should get going,” Magnus says. He doesn’t open any of the messages on his phone. It’s wrong, but he can’t deal with it right now.

“You just got here. I thought you were gonna spend the night.”

By spend the night Tom means fuck me. Magnus’s head is somewhere else tonight. So is his heart. He shakes his head and tells himself to stop being such an idiot. There’s something in his throat, like his vocal cords have turned against him and decided to turn into a twisted knot. Magnus is so tired.

“I should get going. They’re waiting for me,” Manus says, pointing at his phone. “Thanks for letting me nap here.”

Tom raises an eyebrow at him. “You know, if things are bad at your place you can always sleep on my couch.”

“It’s nothing like that. I, well. You remember Alec, right?”

Tom gives him a smile. “Now I get it.”

“I haven’t even told you-“

“It’s fine. You like him. What’s the big deal? You’re not related by blood, right? ‘Cause you know I love you but that shit’s insane.”

“How come everyone seems to know about this?”

“No offense Mags, but you’re not that good at hiding it.”

Magnus moans. “That’s because I didn’t even know it.”

“There’s a lot of people out there. It feels like the end of the world now, but it won’t matter in six months. Trust me on this one.”

The thing is Tom doesn’t know Alec, at least not personally. He doesn’t know Magnus has never cared for anyone like cares for Alec, has never been so sure of his love before. If Tom knew Alec he’d get a glimpse of what Magnus is feeling right now. How can anyone look at Alec and not love him?

“The offer’s still up, okay?” Tom says. God bless him. “If things with Alec get too rocky, my couch is always available.”

By the time Magnus is on the front porch of the Institute his phone is ringing again. He ignores it as he makes his way inside. It’s stupid, but he half-expects them to be waiting for him like angry parents would when their teenage son went out without permission. Instead, silence. Instead, there’s only Lydia in the kitchen pouring a cup of tea for herself.

“There you are,” she says. “I told them not to worry. You probably went out with the Hickey guy.”

“Hickey guy?” Magnus plays dumb. “I went out for a walk.”

Lydia sighs. “A three hour walk Magnus?”

Well.

“You know what really pisses me off?” she goes on. “The fact that you try to hide it. No one here gives a shit who you’re fucking. It almost feels like you’re too ashamed to bring him around.”

“It’s not like that. We’re not dating. It’s a friends with benefits thing.”

Lydia sips her tea. “If he’s just a friend then why can’t we meet him?”

“Maybe because I don’t need you guys to play my parents. Why do you even care? Would you like it if I brought him over and played pretend with you? ‘You better treat our boy right, Tom’.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Magnus’s words come out of his mouth like vomit. “Then what did you mean? I’m sick of everyone acting like we’re this fucking family. Guess what, we’re not.”

“Fuck you,” Lydia says, her voice going higher and higher. “We’re not a family to you? Who is then?”

“No one,” Magnus explodes. He doesn’t care that he’s yelling. “I don’t need a family. I don’t have one. And neither do you, or anyone that lives here. If we had a family we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

Lydia’s face is red with anger. Her eyes look like they’re about to burst. “Is Alec not your family then? Your brother?”

Bitch, Magnus thinks, fucking bitch. Bringing Alec into this is not fair and she knows it. Lydia knows he’s got a soft spot for Alec, everyone does apparently. It seems everyone is dedicated to twisting the knife in his stomach a little more. Your brother, your family. Magnus wants to throw up.

“He’s not. And you’re not my mother, so stop trying to act like it.”

He hears her mutter something under her breath as he leaves, but he can’t be bothered. Magnus doesn’t go straight to his room. He manages to make a trip to the bathroom last fifteen minutes. Anything to avoid Alec a little bit longer.

The lights are off and Alec’s already in his bed when he gets in his. Magnus knows Alec’s awake since he was the one calling ten minutes ago. It’s quiet. Magnus buries his face in the pillow and tries hard not to cry. He’s so angry his skin is still buzzing and his heart is rabbiting inside his chest. Maia’s words bite at him. What do you have, Magnus? Nothing. He used to tell himself he had Alec, but now he knows it’s not true. He’ll never have Alec, not like he wants to, and that’s like not having him at all.

Magnus knows why he got so upset with Lydia. If she’s right then they are a family. If they are a family, if Alec is his brother, then Magnus can’t have these feelings for him. He already hates himself for feeling what he feels, but to feel that way for a sibling? Magnus would have no way out, no one to tell about it. What could be more disgusting than falling in love with your own brother? So no, they aren’t a family. They can’t be, or else Magnus has no choice but to emancipate and move so far away their letters can’t even get through.

It’s only been a day of his discovery, yet Magnus feels like he’s been carrying this secret for a thousand years. He doesn’t want this. If there was a way to tuck these thoughts away, to have them removed, then he would do so without hesitation. The heavy knowledge that it will always be like this, day after day after day. It’ll never get easier. He’ll never stop loving Alec.

As he lays in bed, Magnus imagines how much easier life would have been for everyone if he had died with his parents in that car accident. He doesn’t cry, but he does feel the tears building up behind his eyelids, prickling them and asking for relief. Magnus doesn’t cry, but he lays there hating himself with every fiber of his being.

That’s nothing new for Magnus anyways.


	5. FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

FIVE

 

A week after that night Alec has his first nightmare in years. Magnus has been avoiding everyone since his fight with Lydia, and he’s got the impression they’re all trying to avoid him too. It’s okay, it’s whatever. Magnus has never been a big fan of support systems, so he doesn’t really need one. He’s got his own friends outside the Institute and it’s not like he’s upset with anyone here, he tells himself that every day before he goes to sleep. He’s not upset with anyone. Except, maybe, with himself.

He’s been doing a terrific job at avoiding Alec, Jace and everyone else, until that night. Magnus has been looking for a place to stay, has resolved in his head that he’s of age now and he can’t keep sharing a room with Alec, so he and Tom have been asking around if anyone needs a roommate who can pay his share of rent. So far no one has come forward. Magnus has just come back from Tom’s place, apartment hunting night, when Alec wakes up in a state.

Magnus calls it state because he’s not sure what it is. Alec bolts awake, no soft edges, and he seems – even in the darkness of their room, even from Magnus’s bed- absolutely terrified. Magnus can’t see him shaking, he can _hear_ him. The chattering of his teeth, the rustling of the sheets, the sharp intakes of breath. Alec sits up on his bed, pressing himself into the wall like he wants it to swallow him up. Magnus hears his bird-like cries even with his head buried under his pillow.

It’s not like Magnus _has_ to turn on the light, ask what’s wrong and care about Alec. But he wouldn’t be Magnus if he didn’t.

“Alec?” he asks, rubbing his eyes and sitting up in his bed as well. “What’s wrong?”

Alec is in his _Alec’s state_ and doesn’t even seem to notice Magnus is up and talking to him. Magnus debates whether or not he should go and find Maryse. Alec’s staring at him with wide eyes, unblinking, tears escaping from them like there’s a fire inside somewhere and that’s the only way out. He used to think Alec was prettier when he was crying, it always brought out the color in his eyes, but this crying’s ugly, raw. Magnus doesn’t like this one bit.

“Alec,” Magnus says, coming closer. Then something really fucked up happens. Not because it’s truly fucked up, but because it’s never happened before. Alec flinches, hard. Magnus holds his breath, “Hey baby. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Alec bumps his head against the wall trying to get away from him. Ouch. There goes what was left of Magnus’s rational thinking.

“Okay, we don’t have to talk. Can you stop crying please? Or at least let me tuck you back into bed.” No response. “ _Alec_.”

He doesn’t mean to use his nagging voice, but it’s almost three in the morning and he’s scared for Alec, because he keeps hitting his head against the wall like he’s trying to break his skull open. Magnus doesn’t know what to do, so the stern tone makes its way out of his mouth before he has time to stop it.

“Sorry, sorry,” Alec whimpers. He closes his eyes, which results in more tears spilling over. “Sorry.”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus says, even though he’s sure Alec’s not listening to him. He sits in Alec’s bed slowly, his hands awkwardly tucked on his lap, like he’s not sure what to do with them. If things were different he’d be all over Alec, petting his hair, kissing his cheek, just comforting. But things are like they are, and Magnus is positive if he put his hands on Alec right now the endgame would be disastrous. “Do you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

Alec shivers. “Nightmare.”

“Well. It was just a dream, you know. It’s not real.”

“It was real,” Alec says. He’s not crying anymore, but looking at Magnus from behind his tucked knees. His hair is all over his eyes and Magnus just wants to reach out and brush it away. He doesn’t. “It was a memory.”

 _I’ve started remembering things_. “Sorry.”

“Don’t say that, you know I hate it.”

“I know, it just slipped out.”

Alec lets out a shivery breath. He bites his lip, says, “you never talk about your parents.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. They’re dead.”

“I know that. But. Don’t you miss them?”

Magnus knows this is a dangerous conversation. If he starts to dig shit up he’ll end up with a lot of things labeled CHILDHOOD MEMORIES that he doesn’t want to remember, because if he does then he won’t be able to cope with being here, without them. But Alec needs to hear this, Magnus thinks, or else he wouldn’t ask.

“I do. My dad… he used to take me to the park when I was a kid. It’s stupid, because most parents do that, but like. It was our thing, you know? And my mom. She was, just. I don’t know. I haven’t talked about them in so long.”

“They were good to you, though,” Alec presses. “You were happy when you were with them.”

“Yeah. I used to tell myself they were on a trip, when I first got here. I didn’t want to think about- I don’t know.”

Alec moves closer. He presses his face against Magnus’s shoulder. “I was in such a bad shape when I met Maryse and Robert we had most of our interviews in the hospital.”

Magnus’s heart hurts. The sadness fills him up, not metaphorically, until he feels like he could cry a river. They’ve never talked about this. Magnus has always had a few suspicions, but never dared to ask. Alec never asked either. He only knew the basics. Magnus’s parents were dead, car accident, no family to keep him. Magnus, on the other hand, knew next to nothing about Alec. He always told himself his parents had left him in the Institute when he was a baby. It was so easy to lie and tell himself that was it.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Alec says. It’s not an accusation, just a fact. “Why?”

Magnus avoids his eyes. “I’ve been busy.”

“Don’t bullshit me.”

He doesn’t think he’s ever heard that word come out of Alec’s mouth. It sounds daring and strange. Five minutes ago he had been crying and now he’s so composed it’s scary. Alec’s always been a mood swinger, but this is ridiculous.

“Are you dating someone?” Alec suddenly asks. “Is that it?”

“No,” _I wish_ , Magnus decides to go with the truth. At least some of it. “I’ve been feeling a bit left out lately, I don’t know. I had a fight with Lydia the other day.”

Alec is frowning. “She didn’t say anything about it. What was it about?”

To be honest Magnus isn’t sure what the fight was about. All he knows is that he had come home tired and angry and it all comes down to Alec, it always does. Even if he wanted to explain, he’s not sure he’d be able to. It’s always sickened him, how people are so used to calling him and Alec brothers.

“I hate it when she acts like my mom,” Magnus says instead. “I don’t need people babying me.”

“Was that the day you felt sick?”

“Yeah. But it wasn’t about me feeling sick. She was- I don’t know.”

Alec presses closer to him. “You kind of disappeared that day.”

“I went to a friend’s house,” Magnus says. It probably came off the wrong way. Alec’s already tense next to him. “She freaked out over it, that’s all.”

“A friend,” Alec repeats.

“Seriously Alec, I’m not dating anyone. And even if I was-“

“But you’d tell me, wouldn’t you?” Alec cuts in. “You wouldn’t lie?”

It’s half past three. Magnus can feel his eyes burning with tiredness, yet Alec seems like he’s buzzing with energy. He’s like a rabbit on coke, as Jace would say. God, Magnus really needs to stop thinking about Jace so much.

“I’d never lie to you. Are you okay now? Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

Alec bites his lip so hard blood comes out. “Can I sleep with you?”

Magnus’s brain is at war. There are two sides. One yells sure, let the kid you’re in love with sleep in your bed, it’s a win-win. The other is hesitant with worry. What could be worse than waking up with a boner for your best friend, when you’re sharing a bed with him? There’s a lot at risk. It was different when Magnus didn’t know-or pretended he didn’t- but now spending the night with Alec cuddling into his side seems to mean different things to both of them.

His thoughts come out in chunks. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Alec raises his head from Magnus’s shoulder. He looks hurt and he’s gone back to shaking. The minutes keep passing and Magnus is getting even more tired. He feels stupid for trying to deal with Alec over a nightmare.

“Can I leave the lights on, though?” Alec asks, a whine. A fat tear spills over and rolls down his already wet cheek.

Magnus feels like an asshole. Alec’s just had a nightmare, he’s scared, and Magnus refused to let him sleep in his bed because of his own hormones. What a douche bag. Number one side of his brain claps.

“My bed’s a mess. I’ll just sleep with you in yours, is that alright?” Magnus asks, already crawling into bed with him. He makes sure to use his soft voice. “We can keep the light on if you want.”

Alec’s body lets out one last shiver before settling against Magnus’s. He makes sure not to make sudden movements and tries to hold Alec as tightly as he can without thinking of inappropriate things. That’d be plain creepy.

“What was your nightmare about?”

“I don’t know.”

“C’mon babe, I can’t help you unless you talk to me. You’ve dissed me twice about this. Don’t you think it’d be better to get it off your chest?”

Alec’s tears wet the front of his shirt. “I don’t want you to know.”

“What? Why?”

“Because if you know then things will change. You’ll change.”

Magnus cradles the back of his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about kiddo, but whatever it is it can’t be that bad. And I’d never stop loving you.”

“You will,” Alec says firmly. “And I don’t want you to stop.”

“Do you want me to pinky promise? I don’t know how to convince you.”

“Last week, when we were talking about how I… started remembering stuff. I wanted to tell you.”

Magnus wants to kill himself. “And I fucking left. God. I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever. I don’t think you’ll stop wondering, though.”

Magnus tries not to smile. “Well, I’ve been told I’m quite resilient.”

Alec breathes in. “Okay. I’ll tell you. But I don’t want to talk about it after this. I don’t want you to say anything. And don’t tell anyone, please. I know you wouldn’t, but. Please.”

“Thank you,” Magnus says, kissing the top of his head and telling himself he’s just doing it out of fraternal love. “I love you.”

“My parents aren’t dead, I think. They didn’t give me up for adoption either. I was taken away from them. For my own safety.” Oh. “And, uh. I had this uncle? I don’t know, I don’t remember who it was. I think he, like… did stuff. To me.”

Magnus is glad Alec’s stopped talking. He doesn’t want to hear anymore. He’s not sure he could stomach it. Alec’s so quiet it doesn’t seem like he’s breathing at all. Magnus opens his mouth to say something, then remembers he promised Alec he wouldn’t talk about it when he was done. He’s not sure what he’d say, anyways. His heart hurts for his boy. Knowing is hell. It was better when he could pretend Alec had spent his entire life in the Institute. It was so much easier.

His fingers freeze where they were tangled in Alec’s hair. He rethinks his –their- whole life. Magnus wonders how long Alec’s been aware of these things. He may have just remembered, but they have always been a part of him in a way.

“So, there. I can sleep downstairs, if you’re grossed out by me.”

That hurts the most. Magnus just tightens his arms around him and hopes that’s enough to reassure him. Now he’s shaking with rage. It’s one thing to watch it on TV. A million kids out there are abused every day. Magnus feels anger pooling in his stomach, like battery acid. He’d kill them all if he could.

“I love you,” Magnus says. Fraternal love and all the types of love there is out there, he doesn’t care anymore. “I’m sorry that happened.”

“I hate it when you say sorry for things that aren’t your fault,” Alec snaps. He’s on edge.

“I know. I’m still sorry. And I still love you.”

Alec doesn’t reply. He just cuddles closer to Magnus, like he’s trying to disappear. It all makes sense now, in a sick way, like guessing the ending of a book you’ve been trying to finish for a long time. The self-hate, the shyness, the flinches, the neediness that have always been a part of Alec. Maybe Magnus has watched too much Oprah over the years, but he’s sure abuse and neglect do leave some emotional scarring. Alec was so young maybe it shielded him a bit. Magnus holds onto that. He’s only just started to remember. He was so young.

“Is that why you were asking me about my parents?”

“I wanted to make sure you were safe. That they hadn’t hurt you.”

Magnus kisses his cheek, tasting a salty tear. “You know babe, Jace might understand you a bit more.”

“I don’t need Jace to understand me.”

“I know that. What I meant is that he’s been through some stuff with his dad. He knows a little bit more about this than I do.”

“I always wondered,” Alec laughs in a sick way. “Because he never talks about him.”

“I don’t know a lot about it either. Well, you remember how he was when he came here.”

Alec nuzzles into Magnus’s neck. “He was so bruised Maryse thought his organs were purè.”

The image stands clear in Magnus’s mind. A nine year old Jace, his left eye so black and swollen he couldn’t see anything with it. He had been wearing some bandages around his chest because of some previous broken ribs. Magnus remembers feeling shocked the boy could walk and talk. His lower lip was cut, a nasty split that would probably need stitches.

“Remember when Jace and Jordan were best friends? God, it’s so funny to think about it now.”

“They were really alike.”

“Hey, that’s not true,” Magnus says. “Jace is not an asshole. Most of the time.”

Alec frowns. “Back in the beginning they both liked to pick up fights. That’s why they were so close, because they were both so angry.”

Magnus doesn’t want to agree, but it’s kind of true. “Yeah, well. I guess Jace just didn’t know what to do with his fists. He told me once he never tried to fight back.”

“Defense mechanism,” Alec says. His leg is intertwined with Magnus’s. “Are you grossed out? By what I told you. I won’t be mad if you are, Mags.”

“Alexander,” Magnus tells him. His voice cuts through the darkness of the room. “You’re the same person you were five minutes ago. I’m not grossed out about anything you tell me. I’m just.”

Alec sags a little against him. “Just what?”

“Sad, love. That it happened to you.”

“I don’t want you to pity me either,” Alec says.

“It’s not pity Alec. If I could take it from you…” Magnus cuts himself off. “If I could take it _for_ you I would. I love you. It breaks my heart to know…”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Alec tells him. “Please.”

“Alright birdie. Do you want me to go get you some milk or something, so you can sleep? We can leave the lights on.”

“No. I’m okay like this. Thank you for listening.”

“Don’t thank me for that.”

Alec lets out a tiny noise and finally settles almost on top of Magnus. He’s always been a cuddler, even when they had just met and didn’t really like other people invading their personal space. Magnus cranes his neck a bit to see Alec’s face and finds him looking up.

“Izzy’s worried,” Alec watches him with his big eyes. “About Maia.”

The Maia Problem is something Magnus doesn’t want to think about now, or ever. It’s only now starting to settle in. The things she said _hurt_. It’s like his fight with Lydia all over again. Magnus is upset because they told him the truth to his face, no bullshit. He’s in love with Alec. Alec doesn’t love him. They’re brothers.

There’s a foul taste in his mouth when he speaks again. “She hasn’t phoned Jace?”

Alec shakes his head. Magnus can feel his lips against his neck. Not a kiss, just _there_.

“She’s never gone so long without calling. Do you think Jordan…?”

“No,” Magnus says. “Maybe she’s in the hospital.”

“I wish she’d just- I don’t know.”

Magnus holds him and plants a kiss into his hair, hoping Alec won’t be able to feel it.

“We’ve all been there with Maia. There’s not a lot we can do about it.”

“Why won’t she leave him?” Alec asks, like a child. Magnus’s skin hurts where it’s not touching Alec’s. “I know she’s in love. But can’t she see-?”

“It’s hard to understand. She’s not like us. She came here when she was what, fifteen? Maia’s never had people who care about her. Even though she’s got some now, old habits die hard.”

“I’d be like her,” Alec whispers. “If I hadn’t met you.”

“That’s not true babe. You have so many other people that love you, besides me.” Especially me, Magnus wants to scream. _I_ love you, I _love_ you, I love _you._

Alec beats him to it.

“Love you Mags.”

“I love you too. Now go to sleep, or you’ll be grumpy in the morning.”

Magnus takes his time with his boy tonight. He’s usually the first one to fall asleep, but he forces himself to stay awake until Alec passes out. He kisses his cheek and rubs his back in wide circles, like he always did when Alec got sick. There’s so much he wishes he could tell Alec. Magnus is only starting to realize that Alec may not be ready to hear it. So he does what he’s been doing for the last ten years of his life. He holds Alec and loves him so much his heart feels like it could explode. It’s a quiet thing, this love he’s got, but with Alec quiet is always a good thing. After all, he’s never been a fan of loud things.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	6. SIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

SIX

 

“We need to talk,” Jace says in his ambushing tone. “Right now.”

“We’re talking.”

Magnus is currently rummaging through some boxes in the cellar, looking for a silver cup Maryse has been trying to find. He’s already looked everywhere else. Besides, it’s quiet and empty. Or at least it was before Jace came in. His hair is short again, probably Clary’s idea.

“Have you talked to Maia?”

“No. We had a fight last time she was here. I don’t think I’m on her emergency contacts anymore.”

Jace gives him a knowing smile. “You seem to be getting in a lot of fights lately, Bane. Maia, Lydia. I wonder what it’s all about.”

“So, Maia,” Magnus says, changing the subject. “She’s with Jordan. It’s been ten days. Should we drop by?”

“I can’t. He’s got the restraining thing on me.”

“Well, you did break his nose. Twice.”

Jace sits down next to Magnus on the dusty floor. He doesn’t ask Magnus why he’s here, instead just toys with the things he finds in the boxes. An old tablecloth, headless Barbie dolls, cheap rings. He’s not that worried about Maia, Magnus can tell. That means he came here to talk about something else.

“You never hang out with us anymore, what’s up with that?”

“It’s complicated.”

Jace’s eyes dance around the room. “Really? Does it have to do with Alec?”

Magnus tries not to panic. He’s been walking on eggshells lately around everyone. The small possibility that Jace is in the group of people that know, which is way too big for Magnus’s liking, makes it hard for him to breathe. Jace would probably think it’s a lust thing anyways. He’d tell Magnus to find himself a cute boy to get rid of the horniness. If Jace knew, though, how fucked up Magnus is for Alec… That’d change things. It’d make everything awkward and tense. Jace would have to pick a side and Magnus has the bad feeling he’d be on Maia and Lydia’s team.

“It always comes down to him, doesn’t it?” Jace flashes him a smile. He looks like a cat. “He’s been different too.”

That gets Magnus’s full attention. “How?”

“He’s-“ Jace shrugs, ripping some of the hair left in a Barbie’s head. “I don’t know. He’s jumpy. I think he’s hiding something.”

“Yeah?” Magnus asks, already finding it hard to talk past the lump in his throat. “Like what?”

“Jesus Mags, you’re so thick sometimes. If I knew the answer I wouldn’t be asking you. Clary says he’s seeing someone.”

Oh.

“A girl, then?”

Jace eyes him curiously. “Maybe. Has he told you anything about a girl?”

“Not really.”

“Then I don’t think he’s seeing one. I mean, no offense, but he wouldn’t date someone without asking you what you think of them first. The kid’s whipped.”

Magnus’s fingers brush against the cup handlers in the box. Finally. He pulls it out and stares at it for a long time. Everything feels weird inside him, like someone turned on the SHATTER button and forgot to switch it off.

“You, on the other hand…” Jace smirks, taking the cup from him to get Magnus to pay attention. “Who’s this _Friend_ I keep hearing about?”

“You’ve met Tom,” Magnus starts to get up, but Jace holds onto his sleeve. “We’re just friends.”

“Do you fuck your friends? You don’t fuck me.”

Magnus laughs. “You’ve never asked.”

“Has Alec?”

Magnus’s whole body freezes. He’s glad he’s not the one holding the cup, or else he would have dropped it. Jace knows. And he thinks Magnus is just horny.

“No,” Magnus says slowly. “He hasn’t.”

“And that’s the problem, isn’t it?”

Acid churns his stomach. “Fuck you.”

“Maybe he just needs a little prompting,” Jace says. He gets up too, hands him the cup. “You know, just ask him.”

“I don’t want to fuck Alec,” Magnus states. It’s not a lie. He doesn’t want to just fuck him. “And this is none of your business. So fuck off.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Bane. I don’t know how you’re able to fool Alec.”

Magnus starts to feel like he did when Lydia tried to talk to him. He wants to punch the smile off Jace’s face. If only he knew how to throw a punch.

“Now, in all seriousness. This thing’s got to stop. It’s fucking up all of our dynamics.”

“What dynamics?”

“Our group dynamics,” Jace rolls his eyes. They walk downstairs together. “All this tension is just bad for us.”

“What tension?” Magnus is suddenly upset that no one’s ever talked to him about this. “You know what, I don’t care. I don’t want to fuck him, I’m not dating anyone, and I’m done with everyone trying to tell me what to do.”

“You know what continues to puzzle me? Your stupidity. No one would say anything. It’s not like we’d be alarmed if you were dating a guy.”

“Alec’s not just a guy,” Magnus says before he can stop himself. “He’s my brother.”

Jace’s smile turns into a sick grin. “Well. There’s this thing called incest, I don’t know if you’re _familiar_ with it-“

“ _Jace.”_

“Okay. I’m just saying.”

Magnus spots Maryse in the kitchen. “Hey, I found the cup.”

“That’s great, thank you. I actually wanted to talk to you.”

Jace pours himself a glass of water and snorts. Magnus manages to kick him out, but the knots in his stomach are a different story. He’s not sure what to make of Maryse’s face. She’s always looked the same way to him. Magnus wonders if Alec sees her differently, since he’s her only adopted kid. He’s never thought about it before, but he has heard Alec call her _mum_ occasionally. She’s looking at him funny.

“I’ve noticed you and Alec got back on track.”

“Yeah,” Magnus says. He’s not sure where she’s going with that. “We’re okay.”

“Robert got a call from Alec’s school. He’s been falling asleep in class, do you know anything about that?”

“Not really.”

Maryse looks exhausted. “Don’t ask him about it, you know how he gets. But let me know if you notice something, okay?”

“Something like what?”

“Nightmares, mostly,” she says. “He used to have them as a kid.”

“I know,” Magnus tells her, his mind going through all the quite nights he spent with Alec curled against him years ago.  

“Just let me know.”

The words sit heavy on Magnus’s mouth. He could tell her about Alec’s nightmare the other night, how he’s started remembering things, how he seemed to be crumbling in Magnus’s arms, but Maryse already knows the story. She must have read Alec’s file. Magnus wonders exactly how much Alec has told her and Robert about his childhood. He doesn’t remember Alec ever going to see a therapist, which Magnus is certain he should have seen when he was a kid. You don’t get over that kind of thing with just a hug, Jace would say. Magnus isn’t sure you ever get over it. He’s suddenly outraged. Maryse is the responsible adult here, she should have given Alec the right type of therapy. Did she honestly think she could make all that go away with a simple adoption paper and some kisses?

What exactly is all of it? Magnus doesn’t even know half the story.

“I’ll let you know,” Magnus says, he can’t keep the bitter out of his voice. “Or you could just ask him instead of having me spy on him.”

“He wouldn’t tell me if I asked,” Maryse says. Her eyes look grainy, like sandpaper. “Thank you for finding the cup.”

Jace is waiting for him on the hallway. He’s texting, probably Clary, and looks up when Magnus walks past him. Jace doesn’t ask about Maryse. He’s never been her greatest fan, so mostly he stays away from her. Robert once tried to play soccer with him in the backyard when he was still a kid, and Jace stabbed the ball with some kitchen scissors he’d snuck out. After that Robert had stayed away from him too.

“So, Maia. You should go pay her a visit.”

“We had a fight remember?” Magnus lights his last cigarette. He makes it outside before Maryse can bitch about the smell. “Simon should go. It’s his turn.”

Jace puts a hand over his mouth, but laughter makes its way through. “You want to send Simon to Jordan’s place? First off, Izzy would have you killed. And no offense, but Simon wouldn’t do it even if you paid him to.”

“You go. Since when are you scared of a restraining order?”

“I don’t know, maybe since Jordan’s best friend became a fucking police officer.”

Magnus breathes in the smoke, says, “I’m getting real tired of dealing with Maia’s shit.”

“You must be real mad at her if you’re saying that,” Jace’s eyes aren’t judging, just piercing. “I wonder what she said about Alec.”

“I’ll go if you stop talking about Alec.”

“But Mags, where’s the fun in that?”

Magnus throws his cigarette butt to the groun and steps on it. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah. Do you need some advice with them boys?”

“It’s a serious question, Jace.”

“Okay. Ask away.”

Magnus inhales. The cold air freezes his lungs. “Your dad.”

Jace’s whole posture changes. His hands turn to fists, Magnus can see it through the pockets of his jeans. His shoulders go stiff. He’s holding his breath. It’s not fear, though. It’s pure hate.

“That’s not a question,” Jace lets out.

“How did you deal with it? Did Maryse offer you some therapy when you got here?”

“Same way we all deal with it. You keep your mouth shut and head down. Even if she had offered, do you honestly think I’d gone?”

Magnus bites his lip, then remembers he hates it when Alec does it and stops. “Would it have helped?”

“No. Paying a fucking idiot a hundred bucks to listen how my dad didn’t hug me wasn’t going to help nobody.”

“Okay. Sorry I asked.”

Jace blinks at him. “Why did you?”

“What?”

“Why did you ask?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just thought-“

“It’s about Alec, isn’t it?”

Magnus groans. He can’t possibly be that obvious. “No,” he lies. “A friend.”

“Well. Tell your friend therapy is for two kinds of people. There’s the rich ones and the dumb ones. Most of the time they’re the same.”

“Thanks for the tip Jace,” Magnus rolls his eyes. “I’ll let him know.”

They walk together outside without saying anything else. Magnus refuses to feel ashamed. Jace is his best friend, his brother, and there are no secrets between brothers. Then, his mind goes back to Alec and a wave of nausea threatens to pull him under.

“Alec doesn’t need therapy,” Jace says when they’ve gone through the front door. “There are things that don’t go away, Mags. They just don’t.”

Magnus is too tired to tell him they’re not talking about Alec. Instead, “I told him he could talk to you about it. I just- I’m not sure I’d understand him like you.”

Jace’s face is unreadable. “You know why I’ve never liked him?”

“What?”

“Alec. Do you wanna know why we’ve never got along?” Jace waits for Magnus to nod. “Because he tries to hide it. I knew the moment I saw him. You can’t live your life like that Mags. He’s a fucking time bomb.”

“Alec would never hurt anyone-“

Jace laughs. “You don’t know what it’s like, okay? I’m not saying that in a condescending way. Your parents were good people.”

Magnus ignores the last part. “What about Izzy? You like her.”

“Izzy deals with it. Sure, maybe she’s got some fucked up things about her but it’s different. Alec always looks like he’s about to lose it.”

“It was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have told him to talk to you,” Magnus says. He doesn’t want to feel bitter or upset, but that’s exactly how he’s feeling. He’s not sure why he says it, but the words are out of his mouth before he can regret them. “He said you were like Jordan. I don’t know if your way of dealing with things is the best one if it’s anything like Jordan’s.”

If Jace is angry it doesn’t show on his face. Magnus wishes he had that amount of self-control. “Alec’s always welcome to talk to me, you know that. Just don’t expect me to sugar coat things for him like you and Izzy do.”

“I love him,” Magnus says calmly. Brotherly love. Just that. “Even if he doesn’t deal with anything.”

Jace lights a cigarette and breathes in. His eyes seem golden under the midday sun. “Unconditional love is shit. What’s the point of loving someone no matter what? It’s a sloppy kind of love if you ask me.”

“Really? What other love’s out there?”

“The real one,” Jace says and waves at Clary, who’s only half a block away and walking towards them. “The one that forces you to get your shit together and stop being a selfish idiot.”

“Like the one you and Clary have?” Magnus asks just because he can. He’s never heard Jace say he loves Clary.

There’s a light blush covering Jace’s cheeks, but it could be from the hot stingy sun their standing under. “Don’t push it, Bane. Go talk to your boy instead.”

Clary’s hair looks a lot redder today, she says, “Hey Magnus. I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Him?” Jace asks, stomping on his cigarette. “What about me?”

Clary just rolls her eyes, “My mum’s got a job for you, if you’re interested. Alec mentioned you were job hunting, so.”

“What kind of job?”

Jace lets out a long whistle. “Does it involve taking off your clothes while sexy music is playing?”

“Are you sure you’re straight?” Magnus asks. “Clary, you were saying…”

“She works as an art teacher in a kindergarten. They’re looking for someone to read the kids stories. Something like a workshop.”

Magnus blinks. “I don’t really like kids, sorry.”

“You don’t?” Clary laughs, shocked. “I just thought- growing up surrounded by so many kids…”

“You could at least try it out, Mags.” Jace butts in. “You sure have a lot more patience than most parents I know.”

“I’ll think about it. Um, thanks Clary.”

He leaves them to it, doesn’t really fancy seeing them eat each other’s faces off. Even though it’s a nice day the sun is making his skin itch, so he makes his way to the backyard with the idea of spending the rest of the afternoon finishing Misery under the only tree there is. He’s halfway there when he runs into Kyle.

“Hey. Magnus right?” Kyle asks. He looks jumpy. “What’s up dude?”

“Nothing. What are you doing here?”

“Um, same old. Visiting Alec. Just-“ Kyle runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, visiting Alec.”

Magnus frowns. “Are you high?”

Something flashes in Kyle’s eyes. His hand tightens in the pocket of his jeans, holding something. “What? No. I’m not into that stuff. You know, my uncle died of an overdose, so.”

“Is that supposed to be life changing?” Magnus asks. He doesn’t mean to be rude, but he can’t stand the guy. “If Alec likes you, that’s fine. But if I hear you're into some weird shit, then-“

Kyle laughs. He’s so nervous Magnus is surprised he’s not sweating. Maybe he is. “No, man. No. I really have to go though. Yeah, just. Just visiting.”

Fuck reading under the tree. Magnus lets Kyle go and stomps up the stairs. Alec’s not in their room. He checks the second floor bathroom; the one Jace usually showers in, and finds no one. Magnus doesn’t know why, but he decides to check the girls’ bathroom, which has been broken since before he got to the Institute.

He’s not sure what he was hoping to find, but it sure isn’t Alec counting pills on the sink.

“What the fuck are you doing?” When did Maryse’s voice sneak into his throat, when did he start looking scary, when did he say things to Alec that are not kind? “Are those pills?”

Alec’s never been a good liar. “Yeah. Aspirin. I’ve got a headache.”

“Alexander. Do you think I’m stupid? That’s not aspirin.”

“Okay. I’ve never- It’s not a thing, okay? Kyle was having some and I was wondering-“

Magnus doesn’t want to hear anymore bullshit coming out of his mouth. He makes it to the sink in two seconds, takes the pills and flushes them (or tries to, since the bathroom is broken) down the toilet. He thinks about Maia, but refuses to compare her to Alec. She’s a junkie. Alec was just fooling around. Besides, Maia shoots it.

“Are you going to tell Maryse?” Alec asks him, following Magnus out of the bathroom and into the hall. “Please, I swear-“

Magnus’s phone buzzes in his pocket. He would normally ignore it, but he doesn’t want to hear whatever Alec’s going to say. He doesn’t want to look up and see Alec crying, or worse, Alec lying straight to his face. He pulls his phone out and holds a hand up for Alec, telling him to shut up.

“Who is it?”

“Hi, my name’s Stacy and I’m calling from-“

“If you’re selling something I’m not buying it.”

“-the Strendforth Hospital. You were listed as an emergency contact for Maia Roberts. Am I speaking with Magnus Bane?”

“Yes,” Magnus manages to say. Don’t tell me she’s dead, don’t tell me she’s dead, don’t tell me- “Is she there? What happened?”

“She’s here. It’d be better to talk in person. Is there any way you can come today-“

“Yeah, I’ll be there in an hour.”

Stacy the nurse gives him directions to get there, although Magnus has been to that hospital several times for Maia before. When he hangs up, Alec’s still looking at him like he’s about to start crying.

“Mags-“

“Maia’s in the hospital.”

“What?”

“Give Izzy a call. We need to go, right now.”

Magnus runs down the stairs to find Jace. The only thing he can think about is how furious he is that he’s her emergency contact. Fucking Jordan, he thinks, if Jace doesn't kill him this time Magnus will.


	7. SEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

SEVEN

 

“But what did the nurse say?” Lydia asks him for the fifth time. They’re all piled up in Robert’s car, and Magnus feels like he’s suffocating. Everyone seems to be breathing down his neck. “What exactly did she-“

“Maia’s fine,” Magnus repeats for the fifth time, too. “I don’t know. She said she’d give me the details when I got there. You know this already.”

Izzy lets out an annoyed sigh. Magnus kind of wants to turn the steering wheel all the way and crash the car. “Maybe if someone had bothered to check on her this wouldn’t have happened.”

“Give it a rest,” Alec says quietly from where he’s being squeezed to death between Jace and Izzy. Magnus meets his eyes in the review mirror and looks away. He doesn’t want to think about anything, especially not about the whole Alec thing. “This is no one’s fault.”

“It’s Jordan’s, most likely,” Jace says but doesn’t elaborate on how he’d like to kill Jordan slowly and painfully, and for that Magnus is eternally grateful. “Is Simon coming too?”

Izzy seems to relax a little at the mention of his name. “Yeah, I texted him and he’ll drive by the hospital when he gets off work.”

Magnus manages to get there without crashing the car, which is in itself a massive accomplishment. No one claps him on the back for it, though. It’d be comical the way they all get out of the too small car, like they’re some sort of clown party in one of those tiny clown cars, if it weren’t for the fact that they’re in the hospital. Still, Magnus is having a hard time suppressing a smile.

Izzy catches him.  “What are you laughing at, you idiot?” she asks, right before they go past the doors. Well, she doesn’t ask but rather demands to know. “She could be dead, you know.”

Alec steps in again, trying to save the day. “Izzy, stop.”

“No,” Magnus finds himself saying. He’s throwing up words, again. “You stop. If there’s something you want to discuss with me we can gladly do so after this, Isabelle.”

Jace whistles. “Damn, this is looking better than a Spanish soap opera.”

Stacy the nurse, who’s wearing a tag with her name on it, approaches them as soon as they walk in. She doesn’t seem to know which one of them is Magnus, so she starts speaking to Alec, who looks like a terrified mouse ready to bolt out the door.

“I’m Magnus. So, where’s Maia?”

“She’s in room 454,” Stacy blinks her huge eyes at him. She looks like a rabbit on coke. Magnus supposes she must be on coke to work such long shifts at such a shitty place. “She’s been sedated, though, and won’t be conscious for a good couple of hours.”

“Okay,” Jace nods. “And what’s the veredict? Is she going to live?”

“Jace,” Lydia hisses.

“Oh, come on. Like you weren’t dying to ask.”

“Mrs. Roberts is out of danger. But,” Stacy pauses for a second, looking at Magnus. “She’s in a pretty bad shape.”

“Well, nothing we aren’t used to seeing,” Jace says. “Lead the way, then.”

Stacy, as it turns out, is not immune to Jace’s smiles and doesn’t comment on all the paperwork they’re supposed to sign in order to even see Maia. She guides them to the elevator and walks them to her room.

“Um, visiting hours are about to end. Do any of you want to stay the night?”

“I do,” Lydia says quickly.

“Come with, then. I have to check you in with my supervisor first.”

Magnus is relieved to watch Lydia go. All this time he could feel her stabbing him with her eyes. He tries not to look at Alec but ends up glancing at him anyways. He looks small and fidgety in the white corridor, and Magnus wishes things were so different between them. Or at least different enough so that he could walk up to him and hug him. Izzy beats him to it, and puts her arm around her brother protectively.

Stacy was right. It’s not a pretty sight, but it’s not the worst one either. Maia’s left eye is so swollen and black she probably won’t be able to see anything with it for a good couple of weeks. Magnus doesn’t want to count the angry stitches that go all the way from the inside of her chin to the curve of her cheekbone, but even he can’t help but notice that there are more than ten of them. From the shape under the sheets it’s easy to see she’s got a broken leg, too.

“We have to do something about this,” Izzy says, bossy voice turned on, “Right now.”

Jace looks almost bored. “We’ve tried, remember? It didn’t turn out last time I checked.”

“Why did neither of you check on her? We have a fucking rule for this, remember? If she doesn’t call or swing by the Institute for in days, then-“

“This isn’t about us, Izzy. Do you honestly think she would have come back if we had called her?” Magnus snaps, and regrets it the second he sees Alec flinch in Izzy’s arms. “Why didn’t _you_ call her?”

Her eyes turn to steel. “It’s almost like you don’t give a shit about her. If we’re not enough of a family for you,” she says, twisting the knife Magnus has felt in his stomach since the night he fought with Lydia in the kitchen, “then there’s the door.”

Alec looks like she wants to say something, but doesn’t. Magnus did tell him to stop sticking up for him before, but it doesn’t make his heart feel any less heavy. Jace is not even looking at them, but instead reading Maia’s chart. Suddenly, the room feels too crowded.

He hasn’t even had time to react when Lydia storms into the room. “Oh my God, her _face_.”

“Hey, Mags,” Jace says, smirking. “What do you say we pay Jordan a visit?”

Magnus is so, so tired. He knows what will happen if he says yes to that, because it’s happened before. Jordan doesn’t understand, Magnus knows this now, and he never will. There is no point trying to talk to a wall, let alone punching one. Jace will end up with some broken knuckles and Maia will wake up and go back, like she always does. Magnus is too tired.

“No,” he says. “I don’t think so.”

Jace blinks slowly, like Magnus has spoken in another language. “What?”

“She’ll just go back,” Magnus is begging him to understand. “There is no-“

“I swear to God if you say there’s no point I’ll kick your ass out of here myself, Magnus.” Jace’s gaze doesn’t waver. He’s always been good at this confrontation thing. “Have you seen her fucking face?”

“Of course I have. I just-“

“Is there somewhere else you need to be?” Lydia asks him in the same tone she told him they were all a big family the other night. “I don’t know, maybe there’s something more important than this that we all just don’t know about, Magnus.”

Magnus is too tired for this. “I’ll go myself. Alone. Since, you know, it’s pretty obvious none of you want me here.”

Jace follows him out of the room, and to his surprise so does Alec.

“You can’t go alone,” Jace argues. “He’s a psycho.”

Magnus is starting to think maybe the best thing that could happen to him would be for Jordan to kill him. “I’ll be okay. I’m just going to talk to him.”

“Magnus-“

“I’m not you, okay? I don’t need to use my fists for everything.”

Jace frowns at the comment. “You’re not going alone, period.”

“Jace is right,” Alec mumbles. “C’mon Mags, don’t do anything stupid.”

 _Stupid should be my last name_ , Magnus thinks. “I’ll call you if I need back up.”

He turns around to leave when a small hand closes around his wrist, slightly tugging at it. He’d know that hand anywhere. “Please,” Alec says. “Go with Jace. Please.”

 _I love you_ , Magnus thinks. “I’ll be fine,” he says, freeing his wrist from Alec’s grasp.

***

Jordan’s alone at his place. Well, Jordan and Maia’s place. Magnus only has to knock twice before Jordan swing the door open with a sour look on his face. Last time Magnus saw him he had grown a beard, now he’s shaved and clean-looking except for a scratch on his cheek (probably Maia’s attempt to fight back). In fact, he looks like Magnus just woke him up.

“What the hell do you want, Bane?”

Magnus would like to know what it’s like not to care about anything. He’d like to know what it’s like to go to sleep knowing you beat the hell out of someone and not care that they might be dead. _How do you do it_ , Magnus thinks, _is it something that can be taught?_

“I just want to talk,” he says, hands up as a peace sign.

Jordan sticks his head out, craning his neck to check the corridor. “Is Wayland with you?”

“No. Just me.”

Jordan gives him a smile that sends shivers down his spine. Magnus can almost see what makes Maia come back time after time. It’s the eyes. “Okay, come in.”

The apartment is not as bad as Magnus has always pictured it. It seems he and Maia are both functioning addicts, whatever that’s supposed to mean. If it weren’t for the broken chairs piled up in the corner and the used needles on the trash it could be anyone’s home.

“How’s Maia?” Jordan opens the refrigerator door. Magnus thinks he’s about to see a classic addict scene, an abusive guy pulling a beer out, but Jordan is just drinking water. He remembers Maia saying once that Jordan didn’t like to drink because his father did. “She’s not dead, is she?”

“Would you care if she was?”

“Of course I would, I don’t wanna go to jail.”

Magnus doesn’t have a plan. He didn’t come here with a speech. Jordan’s not someone you can talk to. Last time Jace tried to talk to him they both ended up in the hospital after the worst fight Magnus had ever witnessed. What is he even supposed to say that hasn’t been said already? You shouldn’t hit her sounds a little redundant. Magnus knows the only reason Jordan let him in is because he knows Magnus can’t fight to save his own life. So much for being a pacifist.

“Let me ask you something, Magnus,” Jordan walks up to him. They’ve always been the same height, but Jordan seems to tower above him, making Magnus feel like a dwarf. “Why do you think I do it?”

“Because you’re an asshole,” Magnus blurts out without thinking.

Jordan laughs. “Honest, I like it. But wrong answer. I do it because it’s the best feeling in the world.” He must see the disgust on Magnus’s face, because he goes on explaining. “To know that you have someone’s life in your hand, and that if you squeeze your hand into a fist you can just-“ he snaps his fingers, “end it.”

 _He really is insane_. “How much do you want? To stay away from her, I mean. I’ve got some savings.”

“You can’t possibly have enough,” Jordan says smiling. “But hey, the intention is what counts.”

 Well, there goes plan A. “She’s really bad, Jordan,” Magnus lies. Nurse Stacy said she was out of danger, but he doesn’t need to know that. “I don’t think she’s going to make it.”

Something flickers in his eyes and then it’s gone. “You’re lying. Why else would you want to pay me to stay away from a corpse?”

“I don’t want you in the funeral. Jace wanted to call the cops on you, but I’ve bought you some time. You can either take it, get your shit and leave, or you can stay and wait for them to take your ass to prison for murder,” Magnus says. He knew those drama classes would come in handy someday. “I just need to know you won’t crash the funeral.”

“She’s not dead,” Jordan says. “I would know.”

As if on queue, Magnus’s phone starts ringing. He pulls it out slowly; making sure Jordan can’t see the screen with Jace’s number on it. “It’s from the hospital.”

“She’s not dead.”

Magnus takes the call. “What?”

“-the hell are you? It’s been two hours and Alec’s driving us insane.”

“Oh,” Magnus says. He knows how to project grief, he just hopes it’s convincing enough. “Um, did she suffer?”

Jace’s voice comes through muffled, like someone’s trying to take the phone away from him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I- Okay,” Magnus goes on. He rubs his eyes as if to wipe an invisible tear away. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

He knows it’s worked the second he hangs up. Jordan can’t kick him out fast enough. Before he slams the door on his face, Magnus swears he can see a couple of tears falling from Jordan’s eyes. He stays long enough to listen through the door to the sound of drawers being thrown open and phone calls being made. Then, he leaves.

Jordan’s words bounce around in his head all the way back to the hospital. _To know you have someone’s life in your hands._ Magnus wonders how bad Jordan’s dad must have been when he drank if this is how Jordan turned out. Maybe his mom did cocaine while pregnant with him. Or maybe he would still be like this even if he had been raised by Mother Theresa. Magnus decides he doesn’t care.

 

When Magnus gets out of the elevator he’s pulled into a hug so tight he can’t breathe. Not because of the pressure or the tightness, because Alec’s never been one to use excessive force (not that he has any) but because he feels like all the air has been sucked out of his lungs, out of the corridor, out of the whole hospital.

Alec mumbles something against the fabric of his sweater. “Say again, love? I can’t hear you.”

“I thought you were dead, for sure. I thought Jordan-“

“Ouch. Have a little faith in me,” Magnus whines through a mouthful of Alec’s hair. He could do this forever. “I told you I was going to be okay.”

“You can’t do that,” Alec hisses, pulling away just enough to see Magnus in the eyes. “Not allowed.”

“What?”

“If something had happened to you-“

“Alec,” Magnus says, trying not to smile. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t have anything to prove, you know? No matter what Izzy or Lydia think. I know you love us, okay? You don’t need to put yourself in danger to prove it.”

Magnus is having a hard time breathing, especially now that Alec has detangled himself from his arms. I love you, he thinks and almost says it, I love you. Instead, “Your sister really hates me, you know that right?”

Alec laughs. Magnus would like to record it and play it on repeat until he dies. “She doesn’t. Izzy’s just- intense.”

“Only with me?”

“I might have told her some things,” Alec admits quietly. “When you and I were… fighting. She’s just over protective.”

Oh. “What kind of things?”

Alec turns red. “Nothing. Now tell me, what did you say to Jordan?”

Magnus takes a deep breath and grabs Alec’s hand. “Let’s go find the others so I don’t have to tell the same story twice.”

“Wait,” Alec tells him, not quite meeting his eyes. “I’m really glad you’re okay. I love you.”

“I love you too, kiddo. Let’s go.”

Magnus ignores the dull ache in his chest. He’s almost grown accustomed to it by now. Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	8. EIGHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

EIGHT

 

Even though Lydia voluntereed and filled all the forms to stay overnight at the hospital, Magnus comes forward and asks if he can stay instead. Lydia is only upset that he didn’t tell her sooner, but she also looks relieved that he’s back on Maia’s team. Everyone’s relieved. In reality, Magnus knows if he stays so will Alec. And they need to talk without interruptions. It’s not like Maia’s going to wake up anytime soon.

Alec’s sitting on the chair by the window, has been curled up in a ball since everyone left over an hour ago. He can probably sense that Magnus wants to grill him with questions. Even though he’s not biting his nails, he’s twisting his hands on his lap like it’s the most interesting game he’s ever played.

“So,” Magnus asks, trying to keep his voice from breaking. He needs to be the sane person here. “Since when are you on drugs?”

Hurt flashes across Alec’s face. “I’m not on drugs, Mags. It’s not what you think.”

Magnus wants to believe him so bad. But he can’t afford to be wrong about this, not when Alec’s life is the price he’d have to pay. “It’s not what I think? Are you really going to tell me Kyle isn’t your dealer? That you didn’t buy him some pills the other day?”

Alec looks at Maia before answering, like he’s afraid they’ll wake her up with all the talking. “I didn’t buy them to get high.”

“Then why did you buy them? What even were them?”

Alec stays silent.

“You really need to talk to me, Alec. I don’t want to threaten you into talking, but if you don’t tell me what the hell’s going on I’ll have to tell Maryse-”

“No,” Alec cuts him off. He sits up straighter in the hospital chair. “Please. Promise me you won’t tell mom any of this. Mags, please.”

Magnus sighs. “Then fucking talk to me.”

“Okay. I am telling you the truth, though. I didn’t buy those pills to get high. They’re sleeping pills,” Alec says. He’s so far gone twisting his fingers it looks like he’s trying to break them. "It was the first time I bought them. I swear I’m telling you the truth, Mags.”

“Why do you need sleeping pills?”

Alec doesn’t meet his gaze. The pieces start to come together for Magnus. “I can’t sleep anymore.”

He’s been falling asleep in class, Magnus remembers Maryse saying. “Because you’ve been having nightmares, haven’t you?”

“I didn’t want to worry anyone. I mentioned it to Kyle and he said he had something that could help. Mags,” Alec looks like he’s about to cry. He always looks like that. “I’m not lying. I just can’t go to sleep and have these dreams-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Magnus asks dumbly. There’s a hurt in his heart from not being trusted. “You could have slept with me...”

Alec lets out a watery laugh. “That used to work, but it doesn’t anymore. I keep having nightmares and the last thing I want is to keep you up too.”

The room is awfully quiet after that. Magnus can’t stop thinking about the conversation he had with Jace yesterday. There are things that just don’t go away. He’d like to tell Alec that things will get better, but he’s not sure they will. 

“You won’t tell Maryse and Robert, will you?” Alec asks, bringing him back to reality. 

Magnus rubs his eyes. “I don’t know. I really think you should tell Maryse about this. And, maybe, you know... Consider some counselling?”

Alec freezes. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Magnus doesn’t blame him, but he does feel hurt when Alec looks at him like he’s completely betrayed him. Magnus is way too young for this. 

“I’m not crazy,” Alec snaps. Magnus doesn’t think Alec’s ever snapped at him before. “You asked for the truth and I told you the truth. Maryse doesn’t need to know about this.”

“I never said you were crazy,” Magnus snaps back. “Why is everyone so against therapy?”

He looks confused at Magnus, one of his brows tilted upwards. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“I talked to Jace and he said therapy was for idiots. Maybe I like Dr. Phil way too much, I don’t know.”

“You told Jace I should go to therapy?” Alec asks, his voice going lower and lower. “What else did you tell him?”

“Nothing. I didn’t say anything about anything, you know I’d never... I’m just worried about you, okay? Because-” I’m in love with you, “-I love you.”

Usually Alec would drop it there. Magnus would apologize and they’d make up. But it seems life hates Magnus lately. 

“How could I have been so stupid?” Alec gets up from the chair, almost knocking over a lamp in the bedside table. “You don’t get it and you never will. I’m so stupid.”

Anger’s burning fingers close around Magnus’s heart. The words come out of his mouth like bile. “Well, I’m sorry my parents weren’t assholes. I’m sorry my childhood wasn’t shit. I’m sorry I don’t understand what you’re going through and I’m sorry for even trying to.”

He only catches a glimpse of Alec’s face before he storms out of the room. It looks like someone punched a hole through his chest, which is exactly how Magnus feels.

 

 

“Where’s Alec?” Jace asks him the next morning. He’s brought Maia flowers, probably from Clary. “I thought he had stayed the night?”

Magnus sighs. He’s about to reply when Isabelle comes through the door and answers for him. “He stayed for a while and then went to Kyle’s place.”

“Has she woken up at all?” Jace puts down the flowers like he’s a bit embarrassed by them. He’s never been big on love demonstrations. “Tell me we didn’t drive thirty minutes to watch her sleep.”

“She opened her eyes like two hours ago and then went back to sleep, so. They must have given her something really strong this time.” Magnus gets up from the chair he’s been sitting ever since Alec left. He cranes his neck and swings his arms a little, every movement accentuated by a loud pop. “I think I’m going to get going. Who’s staying with her now?”

Jace looks at Izzy and puts his hands up. “Don’t look at me,” he says. “I’ve already made plans. I’ll stay over tonight.”

Izzy rolls her eyes. “Lydia has a test today, so she won’t be here until five.”

“Why don’t you stay, then?” Magnus suggests brusquely. “Since, you know, you’re the only person left.”

Isabelle hates hospitals, always has. Magnus suspects the only person she’d ever spend the night at a place like this for is Alec. Usually, Magnus would never call her out on it, but he’s exhausted and upset. 

“I have a job, Bane,” she tells him. “Not all of us can afford to do nothing and live for free in the Institute.”

“Actually, I have a job. Or I will,” Magnus finds himself saying. He really needs to start training his tongue, like a dog.

Jace steps into the conversation. “Are you considering Clary’s offer?”

“Yeah. I want to start saving up, so I guess any job will have to do.”

“Saving up for what?” Izzy scoffs. She’s braiding her hair the way Magnus taught her when they were kids and the world was a much simpler place. “A life?”

“I want to move out, so.”

Jace punches him in the shoulder. “What?” he demands. “You’re leaving the Institute?”

Magnus rubs the spot where Jace struck him. “Jeez, I’m only thinking about it. We are over eighteen, you know, we don’t have to stay there anymore if we don’t want to.”

“Don’t you want to?” Jace asks, looking and sounding hurt.

“Not forever,” Magnus feels like an asshole for what he says next, “I kind of feel like I’ve outgrown the place, you know?”

Izzy’s eyes are slicing him open. “You’ve outgrown all of us, you mean.”

“God. Will you give me a fucking break, Isabelle? What’s your problem?”

“You are, Bane,” she hisses, leaving her braid unfinished. “You and your blindness.”

“That’s enough, Izzy,” Jace tells her, although he doesn’t really seem to be on Magnus’s side. “Let’s call Simon and ask him if he can swing by the hospital until Lydia is finished with her test”

Maia starts to stir in her sleep. Magnus takes that as a cue to leave.

 

Tom passes the carelessly rolled joint to him. They’re sprawled out on the floor in Tom’s apartment, where there’s ten other people drinking and a girl eating nachos. Magnus isn’t hungryyet, but he knows in less than an hour he’ll physically fight off that girl for those nachos. He breathes in and the smoke doesn’t burn his throat on the way down. Tom’s looking especially good tonight. Magnus wishes he was in love with Tom. Magnus also wishes he was a turtle. This is their third joint.

“I am so sad, dude,” Magnus tells Tom. They have this inside joke where they call each other dude when they’re smoking weed. “I feel like... Empty, like, you know when you’ve eaten all the mayo and there’s only a little at the bottom and your knife can’t reach it? I feel like all I’ve got left inside me is a little mayo.”

“Dude, that’s deep. Why don’t you spread whatever mayo is left, then?” Tom says, not slurring his words but sounding like he’d like to close his eyes and sleep. “And by spread I mean share”

“Spread my feelings, dude?” Magnus laughs. There’s glittler in his hair and he’s not sure how it got there. “D _uuuuuu_ de. Are you saying I should tell Alec I’m in love with him?”

Tom whistles. “Even if he doesn’t like mayo, like let’s say he’s a mustard guy, there’s a thousand guys who are a fan of mayo. You have one right here,” Tom says pointing at himself. “Whoeven likes mustard these days?”

Magnus rolls onto his side. It’s all cristal clear. He’ll tell Alec. He will, and then he’ll kiss him hard but sweet, and Alec will moan into his mouth and Magnus needs to stop thinking about it if he wants to keep control of his dick. 

He’s going to tell Alec everything tonight. But first, nachos.


	9. NINE

NINE

 

Alec is six years old again, stomping his feet in front of Maryse and Robert, trying to get them to _see_ him. Except he’s not six, not really. He’s about to go to college, turn eighteen, be a real person. Alec doesn’t feel like a real person at all. He’s starting to suspect adulthood is nothing but pretending to know what you’re doing and hoping for the best.

Maryse’s eyes are piercing. “This is the third call we’ve got from your principal, Alec. I thought Magnus was taking care of this, but it seems his efforts have not been enough. Do you care to explain why you’ve been falling asleep in all of your lessons?”

“Wait- what did you say about Magnus?” Alec’s mind turns a foggy mess, as it happens when Magnus is brought up. “You told him to keep tabs on me?”

“I told him to check on you,” Maryse goes on, like she can’t hear the accusation in Alec’s tone. “Don’t try to change the subject. We’re talking about you, not Magnus.”

His parents study is big, intimidating. They hold most of the interviews right there, and Alec can’t help but wonder how many couples have drifted by and were too scared to bring a child home with them after spending time with Robert and Maryse.

The truth made its way into Alec’s mouth when he wasn’t paying attention. It sits there, heavy on his tongue, waiting to be said. There are things that are better unspoken, Alec knows, and he’s sure this moment will crumble under the weight of that truth.

“Have you been having nightmares?” Robert asks him softly. “Or is there something more serious going on?”

Alec wants to cry. _Is_ there anything worse than having those dreams? To lay in the dark at night and remember, and remember, and remember. Something inside him awakes at the thought of it all, a shame so heavy it threatens to drown him. What can be worse than this? He doesn’t want to open his mouth and have them look at him like a stranger. He doesn’t want to hear the pity in their voices or see the softness in their eyes when they look at him.

“I’ve just been tired, that’s all,” Alec lies. He bites his lip, hard, the way he does it when Magnus isn’t around to tell him off. He tastes copper. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Maryse sighs and rubs her temples like she’s got the worst migraine, says, “You’re not in trouble, Alexander. But we can’t help you unless you talk to us.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Alec snaps. He finds himself snapping at people an awful lot these days. He refuses to feel guilty about it. “Just leave me alone.”

There’s something wet on his chin. Alec wipes it away, thinking it’s drool or sweat or whatever, and winces when his fingers come away red. He’s bit his lip open. Magnus would be really disappointed.

“Even after all this time,” Maryse asks, “is it that hard for you to trust us?”

Alec shudders Robert’s hand off. He feels disgusting. “I trust you,” he mumbles. “I do.”

“Then tell us what’s going on. How to help you.”

Magnus always does the talking, because he always knows what to say. Alec has stuttered his way through life. Maryse and Robert look so old, so worn out. He remembers Magnus joking about how they had raised half the city. Alec needs to stop thinking about Magnus.

“I can’t sleep. Weird dreams, I can’t remember what they’re about though.”

Maryse and Robert share a look, like they’re having a silent conversation without him. “If you’re not going to talk to us, then talk to Isabelle. Or Magnus.”

Alec snorts. “So you can ask them afterwards? No, thanks.”

“Alright,” Maryse puts her hands up. The skin there is wrinkled. “Do you mind telling us how Maia is?”

“She’s-” Alec stops himself. He was about to say she’s fine, which she isn’t. “It’s not a pretty sight.”

“Where’s Jordan this time?” Robert’s voice is not murderous. Alec is always forgetting that just because they took them all in it doesn’t mean they love them as theirs. “Have any of you called the cops on him, like I told you to do?”

“Magnus talked to him.”

Maryse’s eyes turn icy. “Magnus _talked_ to Jordan?”

“It’s all dealt with,” Alec mutters. “Jordan’s not coming back.”

“Alexander, we’re not stupid. Jordan and Maia have been together for years, we know that her whole _Jordan is not coming back_ speech is bullshit,” Robert says. “So-”

“Jordan thinks she’s dead. He’s probably left the city by now.”

They don’t ask anything else. Alec gets up from his chair and tries to slip away while they aren’t watching, but Maryse speaks up before he’s out the door.

“You have a doctor’s appointment next week, so don’t make any plans for Tuesday.”

“A doctor’s appointment? What kind of doctor?”

Robert steps into the conversation, a wary tone. “A psychologist, but it’s not-”

Alec bolts out the room.

 

He finds Magnus in their room. His eyes are red, and any other time it would make Alec stop and worry about him, but right now he’s fuming. His skin feels like it’s covered in blisters.

“You told them to send me to a shrink,” Alec slams the door behind him. He doesn’t need the entire Institute hearing what a fucked-up mess he is. “You fucking told them I was having nightmares and-”

“Woah,” Magnus says, sitting up in his bed. His eyes are red rimmed and his smile looks weird. Sloppy. “Nice to see you too, Alec. I’m just _fine_ , thanks for asking. Now, what on Earth are you talking about?”

“You talked to Robert and Maryse,” Alec repeats, pacing around the room. “They’re sending me to a shrink, because they think I’m insane and they’re going to lock me up.”

“I didn’t tell them anything,” Magnus says slowly. “Your school must have called them, Maryse told me you had been falling asleep in some of your lectures.”

Alec kicks the corner of the bed, hard. “Why do you talk to them about me? Why can’t you all just leave me alone?”

“Is that what you want?” Magnus asks him in his stupidly sweet tone. Alec wishes he could hate him. “To be all alone and have no one give a shit about you? Therapy isn’t for nutjobs. No one is going to lock you up.”

“You don’t know that,” Alec’s voice breaks and he hates himself for it. “You’ve never been forced to do anything you didn’t want.”

Magnus sighs. His hair is glittery. “I’m sorry about what I said in the hospital. I know I’ll never understand what it’s like, not fully, but I...”

Alec waits for him to finish the phrase but Magnus stays silent. “You what?”

“Nothing,” Magnus says quickly. “I promise I didn’t tell Robert or Maryse anything. But I do agree with them, therapy would be so good for you.”

“What were you going to say?” Alec asks again.

Magnus looks away. “I told you it was nothing.”

“I thought we didn’t lie to each other.”

Magnus gets up and walks over to Alec. He stops two steps away from him, but he looks like wants to come closer. Alec gags at the thought of Magnus touching him right now, when he feel like his veins have turned into worms and he’s full of maggots. 

“I love you,” Magnus tells him. His face is pale. “That’s what I was going to say.”

Alec frowns, tries to come closer but Magnus takes a step back. “So? I love you too, Mags. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have been talking to Maryse about me and my stuff."

He looks like he’s about to cry. Last time he saw Magnus cry was when they were twelve and Jordan hit him across the face with a rock. He put on his brave face while Jace beat the shit out of Jordan, but when they reached their room he was a sobbing mess. Alec’s never liked Jordan, but ever since that day he’s been afraid of him. He can’t imagine what it was like for Magnus to face him again the other day, for Maia. Something must be really wrong if Magnus is about to cry in front of him again.

There’s a knock on their door. “What?” Magnus shouts.

“No need to yell, Bane,” comes Jace’s reply through the door. “Just got a text from Tom asking if you had told him. Tell _who what_ , exactly?”

 _Oh_ , Alec thinks. That’s what’s going on. He suddenly feels so stupid. He barged into the room, spilling all over the place, demanding Magnus’s attention, when Magnus was trying to talk to him too. Lydia’s mentioned Tom before, and from what he’s been able to pick up from Jace over the past few months it seems he’s Magnus’s boyfriend. The thought leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

“Not now, Jace. Go away.”

“As you wish, my Lord,” Jace jokes. He’s been watching Game of Thrones lately. Clary can’t stand him anymore. “Tell him whatever you must, then.”

Now it’s Alec’s turn to look away. He doesn’t want to see the pity in Magnus’s eyes. He’s always known this day would come, when his only friend would find someone else to spend his time with and just move on. Alec’s surprised it didn’t happen earlier.

“It’s fine,” Alec finds himself saying. “You don’t have to say anything about it. I get it.”

“You… do?” Magnus frowns. “How?”

Alec’s skin feels too tight. He focuses on the now and the here. “I’ve heard Tom’s a great guy. Um, Jace says he’s really funny.”

“Wait, what? No. No, that’s not-”

“I wish you had told me,” Alec interrupts. “I always tell you everything and you… I thought we were closer than that.”

Magnus runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not dating Tom. I don’t even like him that much.”

“I don’t care if you are,” Alec lies. “I don’t care who you sleep with.”

“We fuck sometimes,” Magnus laughs. It comes off strange, almost pained. “You know why? Because the person I’m in love with doesn’t even look my way. In fact, he’s straight. So yeah, Tom and I sleep together, but only because-”

Alec closes his eyes, breathes, counts to a hundred before opening his mouth. “You don’t need to tell me this. Being in love with Jace must be hard, I get it, but I don’t see how that’s any of my business.”

“Fuck Alec, you can be so thick sometimes,” Magnus groans. “I’m not in love with Jace, how many times do I have to tell you that? The idea of seeing him naked gives me chills.”

“How would I know anything about your love life?” Alec shouts. “You never tell me anything about anything. I’m two years younger than you, but that doesn’t mean I’m a kid.”

Magnus grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him. “What does age have to do with anything?”

Tears are threatening to spill. Alec refuses to look like a baby. “You tell Jace everything, but you treat me like I’m still that six year old kid you met on your first day here.”

“Because I love you,” Magnus shakes him again by the shoulders, gently this time. “I’ve always loved you.”

“Not like you love Jace, I guess,” Alec mumbles. “Or else you’d tell me stuff too.”

Magnus gives him a shaky smile. Alec’s spent years falling asleep to that smile. “You’re right. I don’t love you like I love him, not at all.”

 _Ouch._ Something inside Alec- not his heart, not his heart, not his fucking _heart_ \- breaks. He pushes Magnus away, or tries to, because Magnus doesn’t seem to want to let go. He’s grabbing Alec by the elbow, looking into his eyes.

“Because I’m not in love with Jace like I’m in love with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	10. TEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

TEN

 

“That’s not funny,” Alec finally says, after what feels like a century of silence. “Don’t joke about that stuff.”

Magnus’s hands have left his elbows. Alec wishes he understood what’s going on, but his brain can’t come up with anything. Is it a joke? Is Jace listening through the door and laughing his ass off? Why would Magnus-

“It’s not a joke,” Magnus says weakly. “I wouldn’t joke about this.”

Alec stumbles back and falls on his bed. Magnus is just standing there, watching him with his big eyes, but not saying a word. It’s all a big fat joke. It’s got to be. His skin has been peeled off and all the uglyness is trying to get out. He can't deal with this right now, not from Magnus.

“Why are you doing this?” Alec manages to get out. “Are you filming this? Is Jace-”

Magnus lets out a long sigh, like he’s been holding his breath. “I’m not joking, I swear on my parents grave.”

“Then you’re lying.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so so-”

Alec gets up from the bed, the whole world is spinning around him. “Stop saying you’re sorry, you know I hate it. And stop lying.”

Magnus looks up at the ceiling and blinks, once, twice. “I’ve loved you since the moment I walked into this room. Since before I knew what it meant.”

This isn’t happening. Magnus is lying, probably trying to be funny, or maybe Jace dared him to do this. Alec wants to laugh and cry at the same time. His brain can’t even grasp what Magnus is saying right now. Maybe Robert and Maryse are right and he really needs to see shrink. He’s officially gone mad.

“Say something,” Magnus begs. He tries to come closer and Alec steps back until his back finds the wall. “Please.”

“You aren’t in love with me. You just __aren’t__.”

Magnus looks like he’s been slapped, but then it hardens.“I’m sorry that the idea of me being in love with you is so repulsive, but you don’t get to decide whether I love you or not.”

Alec wishes the wall would swallow him. He could spend the rest of his life between bricks and stone. Maybe the rats would befriend him. He’d give it all up for a chance to get away from Magnus and his big sad eyes.

“Maybe you think you do,” Alec shrugs. “But you don’t. You can’t.”

Magnus’s voice cracks when he speaks again. “Because we’re brothers.”

They aren’t really brothers, though. Alec has never once introduced Magnus to anyone as his brother. He doesn’t think of Magnus as a brother. They don’t have the same relationship Alec and Izzy have. Magnus is a lot of things, but he certainly isn’t Alec’s brother.

“Because I’m not- you just can’t.” __No one can__ , Alec thinks.

“You’re not what?” Magnus asks.

Alec tries to leave, but Magnus’s arm is in the way. “Let me go.”

“No. Not until you finish that sentence. I thought we didn’t keep things from eachother,” Magnus swallows forcefully. “I’m telling you the truth now, maybe you should do the same for once.”

“The truth?” Alec laughs. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard. “You’re not in love with me, you just think you are. Because you love the lost causes, don’t you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You like fixing things,” Alec bites, “And we all know that if someone needs fixing it’s me. That’s not love, that’s just your sick need to help people.”

Magnus just stares at him. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t have a need to help people and I don’t want to help you. You don’t need my help to do anything, Alec, you can do it by yourself. I just-”

“Don’t,” Alec cuts him, one second away from putting his hands over his ears. “Don’t tell me you love me again.”

None of them say anything for a second. Magnus opens his mouth and closes it again.

“We never have to talk about this again if you don’t want to. But I want- I need you to know that I’m not joking. This isn’t me trying to save you,” Magnus tells him softly. “This is me telling you that you’re the most important person in my life. This is me telling you that I love you, just in a different way.”

Alec tries to swallow past the lump in his throat and fails. His eyes are giving him away, tears are threatening to fall, rain pouring down his cheeks. He says, “You don’t know me. How can you love someone you don’t know?”

“Of course I know you,” Magnus frowns. He moves slowly, his hand slowly coming up to cup Alec’s cheek. It’s warm there. “I’ve known you for ten years.”

Alec turns his face away from Magnus’s hand. “No one knows me,” he mutters. “Because if you did, if you _really_ knew me, then you wouldn’t be able to look me in the eyes.”

“I believe we’ve already had this conversation.”

“What do you like, anyways?” Alec says, trying not to let a sob out. He refuses to cry. “What could you possibly see in me?”

Magnus smiles at him and the room lights up. “You’re kind. And funny,” he says. “And hot. And I don’t need to justify my love, you know. I just love you.”

“You can’t just love me,” Alec pushes him away with all his strenght. “Not when I’m this fucking mess. When I can’t even sleep through the night without waking up from nightmares. You think I’m bad now? Just wait.”

“I love you because you’re real,” Magnus goes on. “I understand you don’t see me like that, which is fine. I just couldn’t go another day without letting you know. It felt like I couldn’t breath.”

Alec’s brain wipes itself clean. Reset. “I never said I didn’t see you like that.”

“What?”

“You’re great. And I love you,” Alec stutters, trying to hide his blush behind his hands. “But this- _us_ \- it wouldn’t work.”

“So you’re telling me that we both like each other, but you’re not willing to give us a chance at it?”

Alec looks down at the floor. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Well, I do. Why wouldn’t it work?”

“It just wouldn’t. I’m not- I don’t deserve nice things. They don’t work out for me, Mags. And you’re a nice thing.”

Magnus takes his hands gently, like he always does. They’ve held hands a million times before, but never like this. Alec’s skin feels like it’s on fire, and he can’t decide if that’s good or not.

“Whoever told you that you don’t deserve good things is wrong,” Magnus gives his hands a squeeze. Alec freezes at his words. “I can show you just how wrong, if you let me-”

“No,” Alec shakes his head and pushes Magnus’s hands away for what feels like the eleventh time. “Just leave me alone, will you? Please.”

“Okay,” Magnus finally says. Alec’s lungs stop working. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stay here. At least not for a couple nights. I’ll sleep in Jace’s room.”

“Clary’s staying over,” Alec protests weakly. Now he’s the one reaching out for Magnus.

“Then I’ll use Jordan’s old room. I’m sorry,” Magnus says. “I can’t do this. I can’t share a room with you after this.”

“No,” Alec says. Fuck not crying, fuck everything. “No. Don’t, please.”

“You won’t be alone, I’ll tell Lydia to sleep in my bed. Or, um. You can always call Isabelle.”

“I’ve never slept with anyone but you,” Alec cries. _Pathetic_. “I don’t want anyone else in this room.”

Magnus’s eyes softens even more, if that’s possible. “Hey, love, we’re still friends. Nothing’s changed, I just. I need some time away. Okay?”

“No,” Alec whines. He really is a child. “No, I-”

“Alec,” Magnus cuts him off, his voice going lower than Alec’s ever heard it. “I can’t fucking stay here, okay?”

Alec wipes his face with the hem of his sweater. He must look like a mess, worse than what he usually looks like. He stands there and watches Magnus grab his pillow and his night clothes, never looking at Alec. Then, he swings the door open and steps outside without looking back once. Like this isn’t his room, like this hasn’t been his -their- safe place for the last decade.

He lets himself slide to the floor and doesn’t start crying until he’s certain Magnus has gone away. Alec wants to hate him for ruining everything, because he knows things will never go back to the way they were before. They’ll never share a bed again without it meaning something else- something Alec can’t even stand to think about. How can he let himself like Magnus? Izzy was right all along. __You have to be careful__ , she said, __you can’t let yourself get so attached to someone like Magnus.__ But it’s not just people like Magnus, or Magnus himself, it’s everyone. Alec shouldn’t have come here. He shouldn’t have got so attached to Robert and Maryse and followed them home from the hospital like a lost puppy. What was he thinking, pretending they were a real happy family? Pretending he had real friends and a shot at being normal? He’ll never be normal. This isn’t his family.

Alec gets up from the floor, stumbling all the way to the door. He knows exactly who needs to talk to. Someone who isn’t concerned with his feelings, someone who will tell him the truth. Isabelle is his sister and she’s always looking out for him, making sure he doesn’t get hurt. And Magnus... he’d never tell Alec he’s a waste of space, even if they both know it’s the truth.

But Jace will take one look at him and spill the truth. He’ll tell Alec exactly what he needs to hear. That Magnus is confused. That Alec’s nothing but a coward. That he should have made everyone a favor and died in that hospital when he was a kid.

 

 

Jace is in the shed, that tiny cabin where Robert keeps all his tools and an old bike that hasn’t hit the road in decades. Alec’s seen Jace working on it before, he’s asked Magnus about it. Apparently, Jace is really good with his hands. Always has been. Alec remembers the time Maryse asked Jace to build a bird house, one of those ugly decorative things people place near fountains, and Jace told her she already had enough caged things to last her a lifetime. He had been fifteen.

When Alec steps inside Jace is wiping his black greased hands on a old rag. Even like this, all sweaty and dirty, he’s still the prettiest boy Alec has ever seen. Magnus is a different kind of pretty. Not that Alec is comparing them.

“What do you want?” Jace asks rudely. It’s not a surprise, Alec knows Jace doesn’t like him, never has. “Magnus isn’t here and no, I haven’t seen him.”

“I’m not looking for Magnus,” Alec says leaning against the wooden door for support. His legs feel weak. “I cam here to talk to you.”

Jace rolls his eyes at him, grabs a hammer and says, “Right. Magnus told me you might come. Before you even start, no crying. I can’t stand it.”

Like Alec would open his mouth and tell Jace all the things that he’s been keeping inside him for the last twelve years. As if.

“Magnus told me he’s in love with me,” Alec mumbles. Jace is not even looking at him. “And, um. I was hoping... maybe you could-”

“What did you tell him?” Jace interrupts. “Magnus, I mean. When he told you... what did you say back?”

Alec has to sit down. He doesn’t care if he gets dirt and grease all over his jeans. His knees are shaking so bad they’re bumping against each other. “I said no.”

“So,” Jace says as he grabs another tool Alec can’t name, “He tells you he loves you in one of his Magnus’s speeches, you know, long words and poetic shit. And all you say is no.”

“Um, yeah.”

Jace huffs a laugh. “You really are an idiot.”

“I know.”

“Why are you here, Alec? Not that I don’t enjoy your company,” Jace pauses. “Well, I actually don’t.”

“Because you’re Magnus’s best friend,” Alec states, like it’s obvious.

“And?”

“And you know the truth. He’s not... in love with me, and I need you to-”

Jace puts down the hammer and the cloth, which is now completely black. “You think he’s lying? We’re talking about Magnus.”

“I don’t think he’s lying. I think that- maybe he thinks he likes me, but he doesn’t.”

Jace is silent for a second and then he bursts out into laughter. Alec’s not used to this, he’s never had a conversation with Jace before, at least not just the two of them. He’s never heard Jace laugh like that.

“Magnus doesn’t __like__  you, you fucking idiot,” Jace says through ragged breaths, still laughing. “He’s __in love__  with you. It’s not a middle school crush.”

Alec is so frustrated. He had thought Jace, out of all people, would understand. But then again, Alec’s never been good with words (that was Magnus’s job, always) and he’s probably not making any sense. He doesn’t want to talk about this, but he knows that’s the only way Jace will understand exactly what he means. Alec was young when Maryse and Robert took Jace in, but he remembers the bruises and the cuts like it was just yesterday. Jace is just like him.

“People like us-” Alec cuts himself off. That came out wrong, he can tell by the sudden change in Jace’s face. “What happened to me, to __you__ , even to Jordan... it changed us. Magnus should be with someone who isn’t-”

Jace lets the hammer fall to the floor. It sounds like a heavy footstep. “People like __us__?” he says, voice going up and up, yet still lower than a yell. “I’m nothing like you. Or Jordan.”

“Your dad-”

Jace moves fast. He grabs Alec by the collar of his shirt, lifting him off the floor where he was sitting. He’s not squeezing, not yet. “Don’t talk about things you don’t know, Lightwood. You think just because your daddy was mean you get to talk about mine?”

Alec’s not going to cry. He’s not. “I know he hurt you.”

“Not like yours hurt you,”Jace says, and loosens the grip on Alec’s shirt. “But you are right about one thing. I do know the truth. The truth is that you’re a fucking coward, and that you’re using your past and mine and everyone else’s as an excuse. Because you know you love Magnus. But you risk things going sour if you give him a shot, so you quit before the game is even on.”

“I-”

“Here’s what you’re going to do,” Jace says and lets go of his shirt. Alec instinctively touches the spot. “You’re going to get the hell out of here, find Magnus and tell him how you feel. No more playing the victim. No more nothing.”

“I don’t deserve him,” Alec settles for. Coming here was a mistake. “I’m more fucked up than any of you-”

“You think Magnus isn’t fucked up?” Jace snorts. “That just because his parents were nice he doesn’t have issues?”

Alec stays silent.

“Has he ever told you how badly he wishes he had died with them that day?”

“Magnus would never-”

“Of course he didn’t tell you. He’s always too busy taking care of you and hearing all about your problems. Get the fuck out of here and deal with things for once in your life.”

Alec stumbles to the door. He feels drunk, like there isn’t enough air in that stupid shed. He says, “I’m sorry.”

“If you ever compare me to Jordan again,” Jace tells him as he plays with the hammer, “I’m going to strangle you with your own bowels.”

He __really__  needs to find Magnus.


	11. ELEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

ELEVEN

 

Alec doesn’t go straight to Magnus. He knows he should, that there’s no point in drawing it out, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Jace had called him a coward back in the shed, and Jace is really good at reading people. Alec doesn’t want to see anyone else, doesn’t want to have to explain to Lydia or Clary why his eyes are puffy and red. He doesn’t want to run into Robert and Maryse and be questioned again. So he goes to the only place he can think of. It’s hidden, it’s private, and it’s almost all his. Almost, because Magnus knows about it, too. They spent so many nights there, reading Harry Potter and eating candy they stole from Maryse’s imported jars, and yet when Alec opens the door it’s eerie and empty, like it hasn't been used in decades.

There’s dust all over the floor but Alec doesn’t care. He crawls inside and shuts the door. This closet is the closest thing Alec ever had to a happy place. He runs his fingers over the dusty floor until he finds the loose board. Under it, they used to hide all kinds of stuff. Like the slingshot Magnus stole from Jordan when he was ten, or the sparkly nail polish he had been wearing when Alec met him. Magnus only painted his nails in here and then scraped it off when it was time to get out. Alec remembers wanting to tell him that it was okay, that he could wear it to school or to the drama classes, but the words always got stuck in his throat. It wasn’t because of Jordan. Well, maybe he did have something to do with it. But it wasn’t just him. As a kid Alec didn’t know why, but he knew that some things weren’t okay with everyone. Wearing nail polish if you were a boy was one of them.

It was important back then not to draw too much attention to himself. Alec didn’t like being stared at, didn’t want anyone talking about him or __to__  him. Magnus understood that. In fact, he did everything Alec asked him to do, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to do. Like when Alec told him to hide all the good things he had, expensive things, anything that was shiny and new, to that no one would try and take them away. Magnus did so without complaining. He hid who he was for a long time, and only now is Alec starting to think that maybe he played a huge role in that.

When Magnus turned fourteen, he dragged Alec down here and sat across from him. Alec remembers the way Magnus’s hands had been shaking while holding the flashlight, trying not to drop it. He had looked straight into Alec’s eyes that night and told him he was gay.

“I don’t like girls,” Magnus had blurted out. He was trying to sound strong, Alec could tell. “Like, at all.”

Alec had just stared back, confused. “I don’t either. Maybe when you’re older-”

“No, Alec. I... I’m never going to like them.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’m gay,” Magnus had said slowly, like he was tasting each word before saying it. His hands were shaking so bad Alec felt bad for him. “Is that okay with you?”

Alec had known, even then, why he was asking. There were a lot of kids in the Institute who were constantly making it very clear that they didn’t want any faggots in there. Jordan was one of them. Yet, Magnus was trusting him with this. Alec couldn’t just tell him to hide it so no one would try to hurt him. This wasn’t a hardcover Harry Potter book, or a nice pair of shoes. This was Magnus’s __sexuality__.

“Of course it is,” Alec had found himself saying. “We’re still friends, Mags.”

Now, Alec wonders how long it must have taken for Magnus to tell him that. How many nights he spent in the dark of their room, thinking of a way to break it down to Alec, coming up with long and short speeches. If he could do it all over again, go back to that night, he’d ask Magnus so many questions. __How do you know,__  Alec would have inquired, __since when__. When Alec turned fourteen himself, he had thought the answers would come as easy as they had come to Magnus. Yet they didn’t. So he stopped asking questions altogether. Girls were nice, but never enough. And boys. Alec couldn’t think of boys without feeling like a gutted pig. He still can’t.

Alec brings his knees to his chest and rests his forehead on them. He thinks of Jace’s words. __Has he ever told you how badly he wishes he had died with them that day?__ No, he hasn’t. Magnus has never told Alec anything about his parents, except for how they died, and that his dad used to take him to the park. Alec supposes he could have asked, but it was a subject he had never been too fond of. They were nice people, they loved their son. All Magnus had known until that car accident was happiness and fulfillment. It had never occurred to Alec that maybe Magnus missed his parents a lot more than what he led on. It’s easy to forget not everyone had had a bad time before living here.

Magnus isn’t the one with self-destructive tendencies though. Alec knows that much. Maybe he thinks about it, like everyone else does. But he would never act on it. Alec, on the other hand, is a different story. There’s nothing he likes about himself, nothing he feels proud of. Isabelle is like Magnus in a lot of ways. She’s __happy__. She’s beautiful enough to leave people staring. Alec can’t say he envies her, he’s never liked people looking at him for long, but still. Sometimes, something he would never admit to anyone, he thinks how easy it’d be to sneak out a sharp knife from the kitchen and slice the inside of his arm with it. How easy it’d be to sit there and watch the blood pool red around him, watch all the pain leak out until there’s nothing left. He used to think about it a lot as a kid, before Magnus came into the picture.

Back when he had been sharing a room with Sebastian, he used to fall asleep thinking of all the ways he could do it. How good it’d feel. Maryse’s pain killers, a rope he had seen in the shed, a shove down the stairs. He could never do that to Isabelle. Not even to Maryse and Robert.

 _ _Magnus__.

Everything always comes back to Magnus.

Alec lets out a noise closer to a groan than a sob and hugs himself tighter. He needs to find Magnus, get his shit together, and tell him... Tell him what, exactly? Even if Alec got the courage to find him, explain himself, and they ended up together... they will never be like every other couple Alec knows. Like Jace and Clary, rabbit fucking in every corner of the Institute like they’re fifteen years old again. Or like Kyle and his girlfriend, going out on dates or to the nightclub. Alec doesn’t know a whole lot about relationships, but he’s sure sex is a huge part of them. And Alec can’t, won’t, doesn’t want to. He’s had enough sex to last him until the day he dies.

Magnus would understand, or at least say he does, and try anyways. It wouldn’t work, he’d grow tired of Alec, of his stupidity and childish behavior. Alec can’t risk losing him. It’s like being told he has to give up oxygen.

The closet door lets out a groan and opens slowly. The only other person in the world who knows of this spot crawls in and sits next to Alec. Magnus doesn’t move an inch, and Alec can’t even hear him breathing.

“I knew you’d be here,” Magnus says. It’s dark in there because they never learned how to change a light bulb and they ran out of flashlights after a while. “Everyone’s looking for you. It’s time for dinner.”

 _ _Time does fly when you’re having fun. Or thinking about offing yourself__.

“Who’s __everyone__?” Alec mumbles into his knees, scoffing. He really doubts Jace is concerned about his whereabouts. He hasn’t even lifted his head to look at Magnus, doesn’t think he’s strong enough to. “Lydia and you?”

“ _ _And__  Clary. You were right, she’s staying the night.”

Silence. “I’m not hungry.”

“Alright,” Magnus says. He doesn’t move or say anything else.

“Why are you here?”

Magnus rolls his eyes, probably. “I just told you. Dinner’s ready and-”

“No,”Alec cuts him off. “Why are you still here? I told you I’m not going.”

“Neither am I,” Magnus replies slowly. “I’m not hungry.”

“I, um. I talked to Jace.”

Magnus’s voice fails him. “Oh?”

Alec doesn’t know why he’s telling Magnus this. Maybe it’s because he has no idea where they stand now. Alec doesn’t want to open his eyes and see Magnus looking at him with pity or regret.

“Actually,” Alec says as he gets up. “I think I am hungry.”

“Alec,” Magnus calls from behind. Alec doesn’t turn around to look at him, he just can’t. “Don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re avoiding me,” Magnus says.

Alec’s hand is on the door handle. Suddenly, he can’t get out fast enough. “Dinner will get cold,” he says and steps outside.

 

He never shows up to dinner. Instead, his feet take him to the only place Magnus would never come to find him.

Izzy’s place.

 

She doesn’t ask anything when she opens the door, and for that Alec is forever grateful. He hasn’t thought of anything to say. He had even forgotten about Simon living there too.

“Izzy, have you seen my glasses-” Simon almost trips on his own carpet. Alec hears Izzy giggling at him, like a little a girl. She’s always happier around Simon than Alec’s ever seen her in the Institute. “Hey, buddy. What’s up?”

Alec wants to be upset that he’s being treated like a ten year old, but he’s too tired for that. Since Simon and Isabelle got together Simon can’t decide if Alec’s a little child or a grown man who’d kill for his sister. Not that Alec could kill anyone.

He turns to his sister. “Can I stay the night?”

Izzy smiles and looks at Simon over Alec’s head. They’re just like Robert and Maryse, always having silent conversation and never including him.

“Of course you can,” she finally says. “Do mom and dad know you’re here?”

 _ _Mom and dad.__  That sends a shiver down his spine, but he doesn’t let them see it. He should probably sit down if he doesn’t want to throw up in the middle of their living room.

“No, they don’t. Can you- um, I don’t want to talk to them. Could you call them?”

Simon frowns and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Is there something going on that we should know about? Are the cops after you or...?”

 _ _Robert and Maryse think I’m insane, they want to lock me away in a looney bin, Magnus told me he’s in love with me, I’m a piece of shit.__ “No, there’s nothing going on. I just...” Alec shakes his head, almost like he wants to shake off all the thoughts in it. He forces himself to say it,”Just missed you.”

That hits a nerve. Izzy’s all smiles and half-hugs after that. She makes up a bed for him on the couch and offers him his favorite tea. It doesn’t taste good and Alec absolutely refuses to compare it to Magnus’s.

“What’s really going on, Alec?” Izzy asks him after Simon excuses himself to their room. She’s sitting on the opposite end of the couch, and yet Alec still feels suffocated.

“You don’t like Mags,” he starts, because it’s the only way he knows how. “Why?”

“Oh, I didn’t know we were having that kind of sleepover, talking about them boys and all,” Izzy jokes and stops when she sees the look on Alec’s face. “I like Magnus. Most of the time.”

“How can you like Jace more than Magnus? How can you like Jace at all?”

 _ _“__ Jace is more like us,” Izzy says carefully. “We have more things in common, I guess.”

Alec snorts. “He strongly disagrees.”

“What do you mean?”

“I, well. I talked to him earlier. He... he said he was nothing like Jordan and I.”

Izzy starts to braid her hair. “He’s right about that.”

“But you just said-”

“I know what I said. I know in the beginning he looked a lot like Jordan and his gang, but he’s nothing like them. And even though he might be like us, as far as experiences go, he’s nothing like __you__ , either.”

Alec digs his nails into the soft skin of his wrist. A distraction. “I still don’t get why you don’t like Magnus.”

Izzy sighs and restarts her braid. There’s a couple of loose hair strands, but Alec doesn’t comment on it. She says, “Well, for starters, you’ve always liked him more than you like me.”

“You’re my __sister__ ,” Alec snaps. “Of course I like you more than anyone else on Earth.”

“I know you do,” she says softly. “But you’ve always been different with Magnus. It’s not a bad thing. I worry, though. Because, well. You know why.”

Alec wishes he didn’t. “He said... He told me he’s in love with me,” he manages to say.

“And?” Isabelle prompts him to go on. “What did __you__  say?”

“What? Why aren’t you shocked?”

She rolls her eyes so hard Alec thinks they might fall off her skull. “For God’s sake Alexander, you can’t be that blind.”

“It doesn’t matter anyways. He’s not- he doesn’t really mean it.”

“Alec, don’t do that.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he says for what feels like the millionth time that day. “It’s the truth.”

“I know how hard this is for you, trust me. I understand why you have a hard time believing him and, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we’re talking about Magnus Bane,” Izzy reaches out to take his hand and Alec almost flinches away. “The guy would rather cut his own arm than lie to you.”

“He’s not lying,” Alec rubs his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry in front of Izzy, not after all these years. “He thinks he likes me, but. You know why Izzy.”

“Why what?”

“Why he can’t like me.”

Izzy gives his hand a squeeze. There’s a fire in her eyes. “No, I don’t. Because there’s no reason for anyone not to like you.”

Alec lets himself be pulled into a hug. He doesn’t wrap his arms around his sister or even attempt to hold her. He thinks of all the hands that have touched this body and starts to shake.

“There is,” Alec says, more to himself than to her. Words aren’t his thing. “I’m not whole. I feel like...”

“Like?” Izzy asks when he goes silent.

Like someone peeled off his skin, one layer at a time, and then ran him a hot bath with salt water. Like there are things underneath his flesh trying to get out, and they claw at him and bite. Like someone tried to stitch him back together after tearing him apart, limb by limb. “I don’t know,” he says. “I’m tired.”

“If you don’t like him that way that’s more than fine, Alec,” Izzy gets up and hands him an extra pillow. It’s got roses all over it. “But if you do... you can’t shut him out just because you think you don’t deserve him. Because you do, you deserve someone who’s nice to you and loves you.”

He can’t talk about this anymore, so he nods and turns around on the couch. She presses a kiss to the back of his head, like she always did when they were kids, and then she’s gone too.

 

Somehow, his phone makes its way into his hand and he’s opening an unread text he got an hour ago from Magnus.

__Goodnight Alec, love you xx_ _

He can’t run away forever. Magnus lives with him, they share a room, he’s his best friend. Alec knows exactly what he needs to do now, he’s made his choice, and he’s sure it’s going to tear him apart. It’s just a matter of time.


	12. TWELVE

 

TWELVE 

 

The next morning Alec wakes up to the smell of pancakes. He knows Simon’s making them, because Izzy is well aware of the fact that Alec __hates__  pancakes. The smell is making him feel dizzy, so he breathes through his mouth instead. It’s stupid. Alec is stupid. He’s almost eighteen and terrified of fucking pancakes. Everything else might forget, but his stomach remembers it like it was yesterday. When all he and Izzy had to eat were boxes of frozen waffles and ready-made pancakes, day after day, for dinner and lunch and breakfast and every other meal in between. How Alec would get sick and throw up. He didn’t make it to the bathroom once, throwing up all over the carpet, and there were consequences.

“Sorry about breakfast,” Izzy says as she grabs her red purse on her way to do the door. She’s apologizing for the pancakes. Alec feels bad for Simon. “I have to go to work, but I’ll make it up to you. Oh, and I talked to mom. She said you can stay here as long as you want to.”

“It’s okay, thanks. I’m going back after breakfast.” Izzy looks shocked. Alec rolls his eyes. “I’m not eating pancakes, I’ll just drink some juice or something.”

“Love you,” she calls as she steps outside. Alec can’t tell if she’s talking to him or Simon.

Simon comes into the living room, holding a plate of pancakes and eggs. “She just told me. Sorry, buddy. I’ll make you something else-”

“No,” Alec smiles tightly at him. Smiling does get hard as the years go by. “It’s okay. I’ll just get going.”

“Oh?” Simon puts down the plate. “You should eat something, though.”

Alec’s already up, grabbing his sweater and slipping on his shoes. “I’ll grab something on my way to the Institute. And Simon?”

“Yes?”

Alec swings the front door open. “Don’t call me buddy.”

 

He stops at a Starbucks and gets a black coffee for himself and a strawberry Frapuccino for Magnus. Magnus’s always had a sweet tooth, one of the only things they don’t share. If it were for Alec sugar would be illegal.

Jace is sitting on the front door steps, smoking a fag and scrolling through his phone like he doesn’t have a care in the world. He doesn’t even look up when Alec slips past him into the Institute.

“Magnus’s in your room,” Jace says, liking an Instagram picture. “You’re welcome.”

Alec just hopes the Frapuccino is still cold or else Magnus is going to complain about it. He’s almost there when he starts to second guess it. The drinks are heavy in his hands and he can’t just walk out with Jace guarding the front door. He __has__  to do this.

Magnus is reading on his bed. __The catcher in the rye__. Alec had to read it last year for his creative writing class and he didn’t like it. Holden had struck him as selfish and arrogant, but when his test was closing in and Magnus helped Alec study he finally got why Magnus likes the damn book so much. It's a good book.

“I got you breakfast,” Alec puts down the cup on the bedside table. Magnus’s eyes follow him as he sits down on his bed. “They were out of blueberry muffins.”

“I already had breakfast,” he says, but still grabs the Frapuccino and sips it.

Alec takes a huge gulp of his coffee, like he’s trying to find some bravery in the caffeine. Maybe he should have ordered something a little bit stronger, like whiskey. He opens his mouth to start, but Magnus gets ahead of him.

“Wait,” he says. His hair isn’t styled and he’s wearing sweatpants, which Alec knows he only wears when he’s going through some stuff. “Whatever you’re going to say, just wait.”

Alec can’t keep the confusion from making him frown. “Wait for what?”

“Let me explain myself, alright? Before you tell me to fuck off,” Magnus says slowly. He looks as scared as Alec feels. “I want to say I’m sorry, for dropping the L-bomb on you like that, for everything really. The first time I saw you... I knew you were different, that you were going to make __me__  different. And if it hadn’t been for you I’d probably gone mad here. We’re friends, before anything else. I don’t want- I won’t put our friendship on the line. So, yeah. What I’m trying to say is...”

“You’re backing out?” Alec’s cup is empty. So much for liquid bravery.

Magnus’s knuckles have gone white where he’s holding his drink. If he’s not careful their carpet will be ruined. He says, “I... am?”

Alec’s heart is packing its suitcases. “So you didn’t mean it?”

“Yes, I did. But I know you’ll never see me like-”

“Don’t tell me what I’ll never see,” Alec says. Maybe coffee does give you balls. “I think I should be the one to decide that.”

“Alec,” Magnus rasps out. His voice is coming off in chunks, some times lower than others. “Please, don’t do this. I want us to stop fighting... I want us to be friends again, like we were before this.”

Alec could easily go with this. He could tell Magnus that they can act like nothing’s happened and just forget about it. Alec’s always been great at suppressing things, after all. Magnus is nice and he’d never bring it up again, afraid of scaring him off. After a while, Magnus would move on and find someone who truly deserves him.

But Alec’s always been selfish. He’s so tired of pushing everyone away, and he knows there’s no way he’ll survive if Magnus leaves, which is exactly what’s going to happen if Alec keeps pushing him away. He also knows that the more he gives Magnus, the more he opens up... the more Magnus will take with him when he gets bored of Alec and his issues. When he realizes Alec’s a burden too heavy to carry around. When he sees Alec for what he really is. Alec knows all of this, but he’s tired and sad and just wants to be held for a while. Even if feeling good now means he’ll get crushed later.

“I don’t want us to be friends,” Alec says as watches Magnus’s face crumple and his smile freeze. “I’d like... to give this, um. For us to try and see if, maybe, this works?”

If he thinks about it too much he’ll never gather enough courage to do it. So Alec gets up from his bed and walks the two steps that separates it from Magnus’s. He sits down as close as he can to Magnus, who’s too shocked to even react, and leans in.

He was actually aiming for his cheek, but then Magnus moves his face and their lips are touching. Alec’s never kissed anyone before and the feeling of warm lips against his startles him. It’s a sweet kiss. Magnus doesn’t look like he’s breathing. Two seconds go by before he moves and presses his mouth a little harder against Alec’s. Oh, he thinks as he feels his head floating away from him, so this is what all the fuss is about.

Magnus is smiling against him, Alec can almost taste his smile in that kiss, and his hand comes up to rest against Alec’s neck, tickling the back of his head with his fingertips. It’s no wonder people kill for this.

“I thought you were going to kick me out,” Magnus laughs when they’ve pulled apart and only their noses are touching. “I was sure of it.”

“Like Maryse would let me,” Alec breathes out. His lungs are only now recovering.

Magnus gives him another kiss. It tastes like the strawberry Frapuccino he was drinking.

“You’re beautiful,” Magnus tells him.

Alec looks away. “Stop that,” he whines.

“Okay. You’re __so__  hot, Alexander.”

“Oh my God,” he laughs. His face feels hot. “Stop.”

Magnus just rests his forehead against Alec’s shoulder. His hair looks soft because he never puts on gel when he’s going to stay home for the day, so Alec listens to his gut and runs his fingers through it, pulling at it every now and then and earning a purr from Magnus. Alec wishes they could do this all day.

“We’re doing everything backwards,” Magnus groans against Alec’s sweater. “First comes the date and then the kiss.”

Dating. Alec ignores all the bad thoughts that are trying to take over his brain. He doesn’t want to spoil this moment thinking of other things, like if going on a date with Magnus means they’re officially boyfriends. Or if being boyfriends means they should have sex. No, he’s not going to think about that now, not with Magnus sighing contently because Alec’s petting his hair. He can worry about those things later.

“Let me take you out for dinner,” Magnus sits up suddenly with the force of his idea. “There’s a cool place a couple blocks from here. They’ve got the best Chinese food I’ve had in like, years.”

Alec gives him a little smile. He doesn’t really understand why Magnus looks so excited to hang out with Alec or take him out for dinner. They’ve done that a million times before. Besides, Alec’s pretty boring and Magnus already knows everything about him. Not everything, but close enough. He doesn’t want to get Magnus’s hopes high and then let him down. Maybe Magnus thinks Alec’s been holding back and that he’s actually funny or interesting once he’s warmed out enough, but truth is Alec’s as dull as anyone can be.

“Alright. As long as you’re paying,” Alec says jokingly.

“Of course I’m paying, Alexander. Who do you think I am?” Magnus scoffs, but there’s a smile on his face so big it threatens to tear his cheek muscles. “Can I start calling you babe again?”

“Like you ever stopped.”

“I was holding back a little bit,” Magnus says, pressing a kiss to the base of Alec’s neck, like a signature. “Now I get to call you baby, darling and prince.”

Alec gags. “If you ever call me prince-”

“I was joking, __baby__.”

Jace sticks his head around the door. His eyes are closed, but he’s peeking at them all the same. “Are you both decent?”

Magnus snatches the nearest pillow from his bed and throws it at him. “Fuck off.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Jace says as he lets himself into the room. “I hate to interrupt-”

“No, you don’t.”

“Whatever. Just came to say we’re having a little family reunion downstairs, if you care to join.”

Alec frowns. “What happened?”

“Well,” Jace rubs his chin dramatically. “Maia almost died. Jordan’s on the run. Also, I think Robert and Maryse are either getting divorced or Maryse is pregnant.”

“ _ _What?__ ”

“They just said they had a big announcement to make, so I’m only guessing.”

Alec doesn’t think they’re getting a divorce. Maybe they aren’t big on love demonstrations these days, but Alec knows they love each other. At least, they like each other. As for the baby... well, Alec is not an expert on female anatomy, but he’s pretty sure Maryse is kind of old to be pregnant.

“Are you coming or what?” Jace says, already stepping into the corridor and going towards the stairs. “I wouldn’t want to miss this if I were you.”

 

As it turns out, Maryse is not pregnant __and__  she’s not filing for divorce. When they get downstairs everyone else is already there, even the kids Alec has only seen a couple of times in his life. Lydia’s on the couch, next to Jace and a girl called Aline. Alec’s seen her at breakfast sometimes. Magnus chooses to stand next to Alec, not touching him until Alec leans against him. Then, he puts his right arm around Alec’s shoulders and pulls him as close as he can without it seeming too intimate.

Robert is standing in front of all his children, while Maryse is sitting down. Everyone is there and yet it seems to Alec that there’s a lot of people missing. He remembers when there were almost twenty kids living in the Institute, everything loud and a mess. Now there’s barely seven of them left. A lot has changed since. Jordan and his friends left as soon as they turned eighteen. Izzy and Simon left, too. Everyone but Jace, Magnus and Lydia. __And__  Alec.

“Alright kids,” Robert claps his hands once. “This won’t take long. We called you all here because we have some news to share with you.”

“Something that concerns all of you,” Maryse picks up. “As long as you live here, at least.”

Alec can’t meet their eyes. He hasn’t thought about what they told him the other and Tuesday is getting closer and closer. Magnus must feel him getting nervous, because he holds him tighter.

“We’re getting old,” Robert says. Wow, Alec thinks, they really have this whole speech practiced. They’re taking __turns__ talking. “Which is why we haven’t taken any new kids for a while.”

Three years, to be exact. “But we recently met a child that really needs our help. He’s a bit... roughed up.”

Jace whistles. “He must be destroyed if you’re thinking about taking him in after years of turning down a hundred other kids.”

“Now’s not the time for witty comments, Jace,” Maryse’s nagging voice is back. It’s never gone for too long. “He’s six years old.”

Magnus speaks up next to Alec. “I thought you couldn’t foster kids so young with teenagers living here.”

“It’s an emergency,” Robert explains. “He really has nowhere else to go, and we promised to keep an eye on-”

“You already signed the papers, didn’t you?” Alec’s big mouth betrays him. He had told himself he wasn’t going to say anything. “You aren’t asking for our opinion, you’re just informing us about it.”

“It’s not like that, Alec,” Maryse says as softly as she can, which isn’t very softly. “We just want to give this kid a place where he feels safe. Like we did for all of you.”

Jace, as usual, is right. The kid must be really fucked up if they’re so eager to take him in. Alec feels slightly betrayed. He wishes they had told him first about it. After all, he’s their only adopted kid. They are his parents, have been for the last ten years, and yet neither of them thought of talking to him about this huge thing. It is huge. Because Alec’s been growing up surrounded by damaged kids and it has left a mark. A funny walk can mean so many things in the Institute, like a broken knee that healed wrong. Or a battered face, like Jace’s when he had first got there. Or the flinching, the crying, the yelling. Alec doesn’t think he can stomach it anymore, especially not now that his brain has lost its filter and is making him remember things that ought to stay tucked away. Alec can’t deal with any more broken children. Not when they remind him too much of himself.

“His name is Maxwell. And I’m sure he needs some older brothers to act like his bodyguards,” Robert tries to joke. It’s not funny to Alec, just sad. “He’s really shy.”

Jace’s feet are propped up on the coffee table. “There’s a difference between shy and abused into submissiveness.”

“ _ _Jace__ ,” Maryse hisses. She pushes his feet off the coffee table. “Stop joking about this. Everyone welcomed you with open arms when you came here, don’t you want to do the same for another kid?”

“No offense, Maryse,” Jace replies already getting up from his place on the couch. “But I don’t think this is the best place for any kid that got fucked over. He needs parents, not just a place to stay.”

“We’ll be his parents,” Robert says stiffly. “Don’t worry about that, Jonathan. That’s all for today.”

“Wait,” Lydia says. “When is he coming over?”

Maryse and Robert share a look. Alec knows that look. His rage gets the best of him and forces him to open his mouth. “He’s already here, isn’t he?”

“Alec-”

Alec doesn’t want to listen to their bullshit anymore. He starts to untangle himself from Magnus, but he’s quicker and walks away from everyone with Alec still tucked into his side. His insides are burning with a feeling he’s not sure he’s ever felt before. He’s never been possessive of Maryse and Robert, not even as a child, and it’s not exactly jealousy. He feels... disappointed. Alec had thought they would at least talk to him first about it, make sure he... well, make sure of what? That he was okay with it?

Why isn’t he okay with it? That’s the thing. Alec doesn’t know the answer to that. All he knows is that he’s upset and Magnus’s warm hands feel really good on his waist. Bad thoughts circle his brain like crows.

Magnus shuts the kitchen door and watches Alec sit on the counter, then says, “You’re allowed to be angry at them for this, you know. You’re their only legally adopted son. They should have talked to you first.”

“It’s not about that,” Alec mumbles. “I, um. I don’t know.”

Magnus comes closer, until he’s standing between Alec’s legs. “I think you do know. C’mon love. If you’re scared they’re going to replace you-”

“That’s not it either.”

“Then what’s troubling you, birdie?” Magnus smiles and gives him the tiniest peck on the lips. “Care to share your thoughts?”

Alec tries to breathe. “What Jace said-”

“Jace is an idiot.”

“Yeah, but. He’s right. The kid- Maxwell,” Alec forces himself to say his name. “He must be really hurt. Last time I talked to Maryse about taking in new kids, she said her job was done.”

“Maybe she changed her mind.”

Alec wants to laugh, but all that comes out is a pitiful noise. “She’s Maryse. I don’t think she knows how to joke.”

“Even if the kid’s hurt, __badly__ ,” Magnus says carefully, “Why is he being here a bad thing? I hate quoting Maryse but, don’t you want to help him, give him a safe place?”

Alec feels ashamed of his own selfishness. He truly doesn’t deserve Magnus. “I... He’s the same age I was when...”

Magnus’s smile turns softer. “When they took you in.” He waits for Alec to nod. “You’re scared you’re going to look at him and-”

“And see myself at that age. I can’t do that,” Alec’s throat is closing. “I’m scared of a six year old, Mags. I’m so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not scared of him,” Magnus chides him softly. “You’re scared of what happened to him. I am, too.”

“But you weren’t-”

“But I’ve seen what it has done to you.”

The ugly thoughts are threating to eat him up. “Okay. Let’s go meet him.”

“If you’re not ready-”

Alec hops off the counter and plasters on a smile, hopefully real enough to trick Magnus into thinking he’s okay. Magnus just sighs and follows him back to the living room. Sure enough, the kid’s there, standing between Robert and Maryse.

He’s nothing but skin and bones, but that’s not what makes Alec feel dizzy. They were all skin and bones when the got here. Even Magnus had been down a couple of pounds. Maxwell doesn’t look like he’s six. He doesn’t even look like he’s __five__. He has a buzzcut, the kind prisoners get in jail, and he’s the tiniest kid Alec has ever seen.

There are no bruises in sight, even though Alec can’t be sure there aren’t any on his face because Maxwell has his head bent. Strategic abuse. They knew where to hit to keep it hidden. Alec tastes bile in his mouth, his knees giving out. For a second he sees himself, six years old again, standing only a feet away. But it's not Alec. It's Maxwell. 

He just happens to look as bad as Alec did when he got here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	13. THIRTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

THIRTEEN

 

"Do you like kids, Alec?" Dr. Hodge asks him on his second session.

So far, Alec hasn't said a word. Their first session together was nothing but an hour of pure silence. Robert and Maryse are paying this guy a hundred dollars a week to ask questions and never get any answers. Alec almost feels bad for him. This has to be the most frustrating job on Earth.

It is only out of pure pity that Alec shakes his head no. Hodge's face lights up at the small reply.

"Why's that?" he asks. "I imagine having to grow up surrounded by so many kids has not been too much fun for you, then."

Alec chews on his lower lip. He's not sure __why__  he answers. "Um, I don't- I'm not good with them," he settles for. It's nothing but the truth.

"Have you ever had to look after any of the kids in the Institute? Let's say, for example, that your parents had to go somewhere... have they ever left you in charge?"

"No. I'm the youngest one in there. I mean, the youngest of the old kids... I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense."

Hodge waves his hand. "Go on."

"If they wanted someone to be in charge," Alec says carefully, "I guess it would be Lydia. She's really calm and just, yeah. And she likes kids."

Hodge's studio is full of books. He has at least a hundred hardcover copies of shrinks literature, or nutjobs porn, as Jace would probably say. From where he's sitting, Alec can read some of the titles with bright lettering and ugly front covers. __Living & leaving; 10 steps to be free of guilt; PTSD in children. __Some have even more bizarre, poetic titles. Like __Unbroken and unbent__ and __Beautiful heartbreak: toxic relationships.__ They are mostly self-help books. Alec wonders what kind of people buy that stuff and then remembers Maryse has a copy of __PTSD in children__. It makes the whole thing feel more stupid.

"Are you not calm around children?"

"What?"

Hodge writes something down on his notepad. "You said Lydia is really calm. Does that mean you aren't?"

"I am calm around kids," Alec says. Shrinks are always twisting every word that comes out of his mouth. "I just don't like them."

"A lot of people don't. They can be annoying," Hodge prompts, like he wants Alec to agree. He doesn't. "Especially when you have to share so much of your life with them."

Alec doesn't say anything. He knows where this is heading to.

"So, I've been told there's a new kid in the Institute. Maxwell, right?"

"He likes to be called Max," Alec says without thinking. "But yeah."

"How old is he?"

Alec shifts in his seat. There are still thirty minutes to go. "Six."

"Right. You were six when Robert and Maryse adopted you, weren't you?" Hodge waits for Alec to nod. "Can you tell me a bit about that?"

Alec's lip is about to start bleeding, so he bites the inside of his cheek instead. "No."

Hodge blinks, like he wasn't expecting Alec to blatantly refuse. "Okay. I understand that was a rough time for you. And for your sister... what's her name?"

"Isabelle," Alec lets out. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore. It's too close, too painful.

"Does she still live in the Institute?"

"No. She moved away with her boyfriend two years ago."

Hodge keeps scribbling. "Was that hard on you?"

Alec tastes metal. He bites the other cheek. "No."

"Do you think it was hard for her? Moving away from you and her parents?"

Alec wants to laugh. Izzy had always wanted to leave. "No."

"Are you two close?"

They used to be. Back when they were kids and Izzy wasn't in love with Simon, before life got in the way, they were so close it was hard for Alec to imagine a life without her. She was all he had. Isabelle was the only reason Alec had agreed to live with Robert and Maryse in the first place. She had sat down in his hospital bed and told him it was either this couple's house or one of the shelters. Alec would have followed her straight into hell if she had asked. Izzy had been there for every birthday party, every school day, every failed test... until she hadn't. She turned eighteen and decided the Institute was too small for her and her big dreams. It was too small for her new life with Simon. A life that didn't seem to include Alec at all. Yet, how could he blame her for trying to escape? Isabelle deserves so much more than a fucked up brother to look after. She's young and beautiful and happy. She's everything Alec could have been. He could never blame her for moving on with her life.

"I guess," Alec shrugs. Only twenty minutes left and he's said less than forty words so far.

"What is Isabelle like?"

"She's... normal." He realizes he's made a mistake choosing that word when Hodge frowns.

"What does normal mean to you, Alec? Is it a quality you lack?"

Obviously, Alec wants to say, if I were normal I wouldn't be here. "Maybe."

"Alright," Hodge taps his notepad with his pen, twice. It makes Alec uncomfortable to know Hodge is writing about him. "I'm glad you decided to speak up today, and I hope our next session will go as good as this one. Can I ask you one last question before our time's up? You don't have to answer now, maybe think about it and tell me what you think next Tuesday."

Alec prepares himself for the worst. "Okay."

"How much do you like yourself, on a scale from one to ten?" Hodge asks. He puts his hands up when he sees Alec's shocked face. "I promise you there's no wrong answer."

Alec doesn't need a week to think about it and come up with an answer. He knows it right now, always has. It's such a stupid question. He feels upset all of the sudden. Maryse and Robert should be here, not him, working through their need to rescue stray kids and pretend they're their children. Are they any better than that crazy old woman he saw on tv with Magnus the other day, the one who had a thousand dolls and acted like they were alive? He gets up and walks out without looking back at Hodge or his stupid books.

Robert's waiting for him outside. He insisted on driving Alec to and from all his sessions under the false pretense of running errands while Alec's with Hodge. The real reason, however, is that he and Maryse know Alec wouldn't go unless he was forced to.

He starts the car as soon as Alec slams the door shut. "How did it go?"

He had asked the same thing last week, and Alec had remained silent. There was nothing to tell, after all.

"It was okay," Alec looks out the window. If it were up to him he would ride in the backseat, but according to Maryse that's for little kids. Alec's not sure when he stoppes being a kid. "Why Hodge?"

"What do you mean why Hodge?"

Robert takes a left turn. Alec rolls his eyes. "I mean, why did you pick him? There must be a million shrinks out there."

"Therapists," Robert corrects. When they stop at a red light he turns his head to look at Alec. "He's an old friend of mine. We went to highschool together."

"You never talk about him."

"If you don't like him we can always find someone else."

"That's not what I said." Blood in his mouth. He swallows it and bites down hard again. "Why did you take Max in?"

The question takes Robert by surprise. He recovers quickly. "He needed somewhere safe to stay and we have a lot of empty rooms back home."

"Why did you put him in Lydia's room then?"

They're three blocks away from the Institute. "He's scared of sleeping alone."

"Why not pair him up with Jace, then? Or one of the boys?" Alec presses.

Robert sighs. He sags under the weight of the question. "You know why, Alexander. Don't you feel a little sorry for him? Out of everyone-"

No. They aren't talking about __this.__  Alec blocks everything out and opens the car door the second Robert kills the engine. He does not know what Robert mean when he said that out of everyone in the Institute Alec ought to understand how hard things were going to be for Max. Why would he ought to understand anything? He doesn't share anything with that kid. Alec shouldn't have asked anything. What does it matter where the kid sleeps, as long as it's not in Alec's room? He should have learned by now to keep his stupid mouth shut. Robert is calling his name, but Alec pretends not to hear him. They aren't talking about __it__  because __it__  never happened. Nothing ever happened and Alec is just fucking fine.

He doesn't want to go inside. Maryse is probably waiting for him there, questions in her mouth waiting to be asked. She'll want to know how it went, what they talked about, if there have been any breakthroughs. __Breakthrough,__ that's a word from __PTSD in children.__

Alec circles the Institute until he's in front of the shed, but he doesn't go inside. That's Jace's place. Instead, he goes around the shed and half walks-half crawls into one of his hiding spots, the one under the big tree (the only tree in their backyard). A few years ago this spot looked a lot different. Magnus had helped him build some sort of fort in the ground. Alec had always wanted a tree house, but ever since Magnus had fallen off that tree and broken his arm Maryse had a strict no-tree policy. And so they were forced to build the tree house against the tree, on the ground, rather than on one of its branches. That fort is long gone now. All that remains are the twigs and rocks they had piled up. It makes Alec feel infinitely sad.

Magnus. That's something he should talk to Hodge about, __if__  he thought Hodge could give him some good advice, which he doesn't. They haven't given it a name, this __thing__  that's going on between them. Alec certainly doesn't know what to call it. He's sure friends falls a little short, but he hasn't got a clue what the requirements for the term boyfriends are. Alec's pretty sure it's got to do with sex.

Sex is the fine, yet clear line that divides things. You don't fuck your friends, but you do fuck your boyfriend or girlfriend. Also, you might fuck a friend that you like as a boyfriend/girlfriend, but that doesn't mean they are your boyfriend/girlfriend. Alec's not sure how it even works, how people talk about it. Sex has always been a foreign language to Alec, everything unknown and confusing. He knows __some__  things about it, like courtesy words, but nothing else. Nothing useful. Magnus, on the other hand, is probably an expert. Jace is always calling him a Don Juan, sweeping boys off their feet and taking them to the bedroom as if they're under a spell. Alec doesn't doubt this because he's seen Magnus flirt. He's quick, sharp, and gorgeous. Alec's also heard them talking in hushed voices, when they thought he was asleep, about their night encounters. Jace's he didn't pay too much attention to, but Magnus's... Alec remembers it like it was yesterday, like Magnus was telling __him__  about it instead of Jace, the story of the nameless boy that had screamed so loud when he came for Magnus that his neighbors had asked him the next morning if he had broken a bone. The thought of Magnus being with other people should probably make him jealous, but it doesn't. Alec's been with other people, too.

Everything and everyone in the world stops for a second. How did that thought make it through the carefully constructed filter Alec has set up in his brain? There's a crack in there, somewhere, and that's how the darkness gets out. He only gets snippets of it, like polaroids, in his nightmares. Alec has to fix that crack before it turns into a hole and by then it will be too late to try to do anything, because Alec knows the day that all those things get through the wall in his brain will be day he goes officially mad.

It seems to him that the more he and Magnus share, the bigger the crack becomes. There will come a day, sooner than later, when Magnus will get tired of their shy kisses, and then those will turn into make out sessions. And those will never turn into anything because Alec can't even think about what follows without tasting bile in his mouth. There's a part of him that wants to believe in Magnus and trust him. But that part is the stupid part of him, the one that always gets him in trouble, so Alec knows better than to follow its advice.

Everyone else seems to just __know__  these things. They don't stutter when they get nervous, they don't bite their lips to shreds, they __cope.__  Alec doesn't know how they do it, how they get up in the morning and face their shitty lives with a smile on their faces. He thinks of Jace and Jordan and Max. They are the ones that made it through, the ones that got to the other side alive.

Jordan enjoys hurting people with his bare hands. Jace thinks he's good at hiding it, but Alec can see right through his façade. He's got this anger inside of him, like fire, and he carries it around with him wherever he goes. And then there's Max. The kid that is scared of his own breathing, who sleeps in Lydia's room because being alone with older boys is beyond question. Alec wonders what he must look like to them. What was the price he had to pay to make it? There isn't a before and after for him. Alec's always been this stupid, trembling creature. He could have turned out like Jace or Jordan, but he doesn't feel angry. He just feels out of place all the time, like his skin is something borrowed, a hand-me-down.

An ambulance parks in front of the Institute and a guy in an orange vest gets out. Jace goes out to meet him, Alec can see everything from his hiding spot, and they look like they're friends, if the fistbump is anything to go by. It's always the same guy that drives Maia back from the hospital.

Jace helps him put Maia in a wheelchair. She looks the worst Alec has ever seen her. One of her eyes is closed shut and her leg is wrapped around a pink cast. Her whole face has begun to puff up. Black thread is everywhere, like she's a poorly seen together rag doll. It's not hard to imagine Jordan's rage, his fists coming down on her like rain. Did she beg him to stop? Did she cry?

Alec has never liked her too much. She's angry, but not like Jace is. Maia likes to play with fire and has never learned when the flames are getting out of hand. She was too old when she got here, already a teenager, and probably took one look at Jordan and decided she could tame him. Alec doesn't feel bad for her, not anymore. All he can think about as he watches Jace wheeling her in is how stupid she has been. To look into the lion's eyes and treat him like a kitten. To act surprised when it had opened its mouth and ripped her apart.

Once Jace and Maia have disappeared inside the Institute Alec gets up and checks his phone. It's only half past three. Magnus comes back from his tutoring job in fifteen minutes. He also has some text messages, from Kyle and his sister. He doesn't open any of them. Izzy is probably checking up on him because Maryse told her he had a session with Hodge today, and Kyle is most likely high as a kite and sent him a text full of typos and devoid of any sense. Magnus hasn't texted him all day and Alec's grateful for that. He doesn't want this __thing__  that's going on between them to change everything about their friendship. Alec needs his personal space like he needs oxygen and Magnus understands that, even encourages it from time to time. That's why Alec stands where he is until he sees Magnus crossing the street, fumbling with his keys.

"Hi," Alec says, a little out of breath from running to catch him.

Magnus smiles that smile he only has for Alec. "Hello Alexander. Fancy seeing you here, all covered in... dirt?"

Alec glances down at himself. He has dried leafs and mud all over his shirt. "I was-"

"In the tree fort, I see." Magnus thumbs Alec's cheek but does not attempt to come closer. He knows they're too exposed, not only to Robert and Maryse but to other prying eyes. "How was your session?"

Alec looks away. "It was fine, I guess."

Magnus unlocks the front door and steps inside. Alec follows him like a puppy. "Did you talk to him this time?"

"A little."

"Oh," Magnus lets out, trying to keep his voice casual. Alec can sense his surprise. "What did you talk about, if you don't mind me asking?"

Truth is if this were anyone but Magnus he would mind. Alec knows Magnus isn't just curious, he actually cares about the answer.

"Izzy," Alec says. It's a start. He decides not to mention Maxwell or Hodge's weird question. "I don't know. He did most of the talking."

Magnus hums. His hand is no longer against Alec's cheek, but around his wrist. "Let's go upstairs. Jace texted me that Maia's back."

Alec trails behind him. "Are you avoiding her?"

"Yeah. We're not on speaking terms, I guess."

Once in their room Magnus sighs with relief and lets himself falk backwards on his bed. Alec wishes he was as carefree as he is.

"What was your fight with Maia about?"

Magnus opens his arms: an invitation. Alec could refuse, maybe he should, but he doesn't. "Mostly about Jordan. And a tiny bit about you."

Alec has never liked Maia but the thought of not being liked back has never crossed his mind.

"Really?" He wonders with his nose pressed against Magnus's jaw. This isn't something new. They've cuddled a thousand times in a thousand ways. "What about me?"

Magnus swallows, Alec can feel his throat moving against his temple. A second before he opens his mouth Alec regrets asking. "She said it was gross, how in love I was with you. And that you'd never, um, see me like that."

Alec feels his muscles locking into place, everything frozen. "You told her about-?" __Us__ , Alec was about to say, __this thing.__

"No. She guessed." Magnus smiles against Alec's hair. "It was kind of obvious, I suppose."

"Do you think anyone else knows?"

"Maybe Jace, but I haven't talked to him about it." Magnus holds him a bit tighter. "Does it bother you?"

Alec doesn't want to say it does. He wishes he was as bold as Magnus is, but he isn't. It's not like anyone would care. Robert and Maryse have known about Magnus's sexuality for years and it's never been a problem. Izzy wouldn't mind, but she would ask questions. She'd ask Alec if he's told Magnus about it, if they've discussed it, if they have taken the ultimate step in the relationship. Alec doesn't even know if they are in a relationship. Magnus hasn't said anything about being boyfriends. Even if he did, what would Alec say? He's pretty sure boyfriend is a serious term for a serious relationship with serious commitments, which means sex. So, exactly, what part bothers him the most?

"I don't know," he settles for. Magnus is studying his face in silence. "Does it bother __you__?"

"No, it doesn't. It's... liberating, in a way."

"What?"

Magnus  leans in, his lips brushing against Alec like he's daring him to break the space between them and just kiss him. "Well, I've been in love with you for... I don't even know how long. It's nice to know it isn't my secret anymore."

There it is. That smile again. Alec's brain tries and fails again and again to understand why Magnus puts up with him, why he treats Alec the way he does. Magnus says he's in love with Alec, has said it a lot of times out loud, but Alec can't believe it. Not yet.

"You don't have to say it back, you know?" Magnus says, in queue with Alec's thoughts. "It's alright."

It's stupid. Alec's told Magnus he loves him a million times. But never like that. Mainly because Alec isn't sure he's capable of ever wearing his heart on his sleeve like that, not even for Magnus. Alec loves him to death, he __likes__  Magnus, he likes __kissing__  Magnus. But he's not in love with him.

"You can't avoid Maia forever," Alec avoids the subject and takes back some control. "I don't think she's strong enough to be angry at you."

"Have you seen her?"

Alec pulls away and sits up on the bed. Too much touching feels suffocating. "I saw Jace wheeling her in."

" _ _Wheeling__  her in?"

"Yeah, she has a broken leg. Maybe they were out of crutches." Alec plays with his fingers. He finds that the skin around his fingernails is extremely soft. He pinches it and scratches at it until Magnus takes his hands.

"I hate it when you do that, Alexander," he says, not looking at Alec but rather at his hands. It's not a pretty sight: nails bitten to nothing, skin red and raw where it should be white and rosy. "You're hurting yourself."

This is exactly what Alec doesn't want. He doesn't want anyone checking up on him, chiding him, controlling what he does and how he does it. Magnus is just worried about him, he cares about Alec, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. Alec doesn't reply, just sits on his hands to keep them away from Magnus's sight. It makes him feel like a child.

"Sorry," Alec says. He chews on the inside of his cheek. "Maia probably needs you on her side. She looked bad."

If Magnus notices Alec's eagerness to change the subject he doesn't mention it. "It's always like that with her. I'm so tired of... I don't know. I'm tired of __her,__  and I know that sounds horrible-"

 _ _Like you"ll get tired of me.__ "It doesn't."

"I should probably go talk to her, though. To make sure she's okay." Magnus's Mother Theresa syndrome is back. "And Lydia, too."

Magnus's bed is so much better than his. It's always warm, for a start. Alec focuses on the cotton sheets as Magnus sits up beside him. They haven't shared a bed since this whole __thing__  started between them. Alec hates himself so much for not trusting Magnus not to do anything while he's asleep, but there's that stupid part of Alec's brain that whispers what it, what if. He knows Magnus would never. He loves Magnus. Old habits die hard, that's all.

"Now, enough about them. What's up with you?" Magnus asks. His hair is pointing in every direction. It makes Alec smile. "Is therapy as terrible as you thought it'd be?"

Hodge is nice, which makes everything more complicated. Alec wants to dislike him, dislike everything. All they've done is talk about Izzy, but Alec knows that Hodge wants to ask other things as well. Things Alec has buried so deep he can only think about them in short gaps of time.

"It's okay," Alec says slowly. "He asked me if I liked kids." Magnus doesn't say anything, just lets him talk. "I said I'm not really good with them. And, um. He mentioned Max."

Magnus frowns. "Well, what about Max?"

"I don't know. He asked how old he is and..." Alec breathes out. "How old I was when Robert and Maryse took me in."

Silence stretches between them.

"You were six when we met, remember?" Magnus says softly, tracing patterns on Alec's arm. "You were obsessed with that sweater you got for Christmas."

Alec smiles a little. That's the childhood he likes to remember. "I wasn't obsessed."

“How long had you been here when I met you? I always thought... I don’t know.”

The room feels too small all of the sudden. It’s just a question. Alec can deal with a fucking question. “A couple of months.”

“Oh,” is all Magnus says about it. “Did they adopt you right away or...?”

Alec doesn’t want to talk about this. He doesn’t want to talk about anything that has to do with the years that came before he turned six. Not with Magnus and certainly not with Hodge.

He shrugs. There are words waiting in his mouth. Magnus has always been so honest with him... he deserves a little bit more than what Alec’s giving him. “We signed the papers at the hospital.”

Magnus tenses beside him. He tries to cover it up, but Alec can feel it. “You’ve mentioned that before.”

“That?”

“The hospital. Being at the hospital.”

That’s enough. “You should probably talk to Maia.”

Magnus doesn’t try to pry anything from Alec. He just nods and kisses his cheek sweetly before getting up. He lets out a long yawn as he stretches. Alec wishes they could spend the whole day in bed, not talking, without any ugly questions to spoil everything. They could do that if Alec could bring himself to share a bed with Magnus again, if Alec was normal, if Alec was less fucked up in the head.

Wishful thinking only goes so far.

 

*

 

“So, did you have time to think of an answer?” Hodge asks him, ten minutes into Alec’s third session. He’s getting harder and harder to ignore. “About how much you like yourself.”

If Alec craned his neck he could see what Hodge is writing about him. Surprisingly, he doesn’t care enough to move.

“I don’t,” he says.

“Sorry?”

Alec coughs into his fist. “I don’t like myself.”

“Well,” Hodge blinks at him. Alec can’t tell whether he’s surprised or not. “From a scale of one to...”

“No. Not even one, okay? Because one would mean I like at least something, that I like myself enough to be on the stupid scale.”

Hodge clicks his pen. “And you don’t.”

“I just told you, I don’t.”

“Why’s that?”

Therapy is frustrating. “Isn’t that your job? Don’t you need to tell me why I don’t like myself?”

Hodge gives him a sly smile. “I could guess, but I don’t think you’d like that very much. 

Besides, it’s not like you don’t know the answer yourself.”

Alec feels his heart stuttering. “I don’t-”

“You don’t want to talk about that, I know. But Alexander,” the name feels wrong coming from Hodge’s mouth. Magnus is the only one who calls him that these days. “if you don’t get things out, they start to rot.”

Alec’s pretty sure he’s already as rotten as he’s going to get. “This is confidential, right? You can’t... I mean, you don’t have to report back to Maryse and Robert.”

Hodge nods. “What we talk here, what you tell me, stays here.”

He could spend the next forty minutes in silence, staring at the ceiling and pretending to ignore Hodge. He could waste Robert and Maryse’s money, as a punishment for making him come here in the first place. The thought its very tempting.

Instead, Alec opens his mouth and speaks.


	14. FOURTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

FOURTEEN

 

When the first month of therapy is over and done with, Alec has come up with three main goals to help him feel more normal. At first they were really self-depreciating, like wanting to stop being a burden to everyone he loves or learning how to keep his problems at bay so other people wouldn’t notice them. Hodge nudged him into thinking of other, more positive, things. So far, Alec has to work on learning to communicate, which means he can’t just shut off when things get uncomfortable, trying to like himself, and lastly learn how to fucking cope. The last one Hodge isn’t too happy about, has explained that everyone copes differently, but Alec is not backing up. He needs to learn how to be grown up, or at least look like one. He needs to get his shit together, not only for his sake, but for everyone else’s too.

Hodge is a good doctor, Alec can tell, but he’s also a good friend. Alec’s not stupid, he knows Hodge is being paid to listen to him, yet he seems to honestly care about Alec and his problems. He had tried to dislike him in the beginning, but Hodge’s just too kind to ignore.

“I just don’t know how to tell him,” Alec is saying when their time is almost up. His throat feels dry from all the talking. “Like, I don’t even know what we are or-”

“Last week you said that was one of the good things about what you and Magnus have, the fact that it’s not something rigid or serious. Although, he has said he’s in love with you many times... Perhaps he does want something more serious, what do you think about that?”

Alec fumbles with his words. It still feels weird to have Hodge knowing about Magnus. “He thinks he’s in love with me, but he can’t be.”

“Alec,” Hodge interrupts him softly. He doesn’t call him Alexander anymore. “We’ve been over this, remember? People are not defined by what is done to them, and your worth does not decrease because of what you’ve been through.”

“Yeah, um. I guess. But Magnus... He’s totally off my league. He’s- I’m... just not good for him.”

“You haven’t been biting your nails,” Hodge points out. It’s true. Alec’s fingers look almost normal. “And your lips are looking much better, too.”

“Magnus always stops me. He hates it, I think.”

Hodge writes something down. It doesn’t make Alec feel self-conscious. He’s used to it by now. “And why do you think he hates it?”

“Because... I don’t know. Maybe it annoys him?”

“Maybe,” Hodge says, clicking his pen and putting his notepad away. “Or maybe there’s another reason. Robert’s picking you up today, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you try to talk to him? That can be your homework,” Hodge smiles. “You can tell me how that goes next time.”

Alec nods even though he feels his stomach turning into a mess of knots. “See you on Tuesday,” he says and walks out of the room.

Robert’s not in the car, so Alec leans against one of the doors and waits for him. He takes his phone out to text Magnus, but Robert’s already walking towards him. Maybe he does run some errands while Alec’s in his session. They get in the car without saying much. Robert stopped asking how therapy went when Alec stopped replying.

“Thanks for picking me up,” Alec says awkwardly. He feels stupid as soon as he’s said it. Robert always pícks him up. “I mean, like. In general... for always picking me up?”

Robert gives him an incredulous look at first. Then, his features soften and looks ahead to the road. “No problem, kiddo. How was your session?”

“Alright,” Alec replies. He’s walking the tight rope right now. They’ve never talked too much, not since Alec was a kid. “Um, can I ask you something?”

Robert shifts uncomfortably in the driver’s seat, but he nods. He’s really trying here, Alec has to give him that much.

He tries to get it out all at once, before he has time to regret it. “Remember when you used to kind of force Jace to play soccer with you in the backyard, when we were kids? I mean, not just that but basketball too. And you even got him a tennis racket.”

Robert laughs. It doesn’t sound fake. “He put nails into that racket. He used to walk around with it, calling himself The Destructor, or something like that.” He looks at Alec, like he’s trying to read his face. “Why are you asking me that?”

Alec blushes. “I was just wondering... why you never, uh, played with me?”

They stop at a red light. Robert lets out a long sigh. “Well, why do you think I played with Jace in the first place?”

“Um,” Alec’s voice cracks. “Because you liked him more?”

Robert barks out a laugh and slaps the steering wheel. “Alexander, are you sure you remember Jace at that age? He was a pain in the ass.” Robert’s never swore in front of Alec before. “The reason I played with him so much was because I was trying to get him involved in a sport, any sport, so he could let out some of his energy. And anger.”

Oh. Alec wasn’t prepared for that answer. “You didn’t think I needed some... letting out, too?” He asks, no blame in his voice.

“Of course I did. Maryse and I, we both thought that sports weren’t the answer. You weren’t nearly as aggressive as Jace was. I’m... sorry if you feel like we didn’t take the time to-”

“No,” Alec shakes his head. He doesn’t want Robert to feel guilty, that’s not what he was aiming for. “I’ve never liked sports, you’re right. Did you also try the whole sports thing with Jordan?”

Robert’s face hardens at the mention of Jordan’s name. “Jordan’s problems were very different from yours, or even Jace’s. It wasn’t just his upbringing that was troubling him.”

“What does that mean?”

“For starters, Jordan’s a psychopath.”

Alec frowns. “Yeah, I’ve kind of noticed that.”

“I’m not just saying that, Alexander.” Robert pulls up. They’re on the driveway. “He was diagnosed as a kid. Nothing we did was going to change that.”

“So you didn’t even bother trying?”

Robert sighs. “I tried a couple times, like I did with Jace. But Jordan... there’s just something wrong with that kid.”

The same could be said about me, Alec thinks. He decides this conversation was pretty decent and there’s not need to ruin it with self-depreciating comments. Robert is still there when he gets out of the car. It’s almost like Alec was expecting him to just disappear after this.

“Thanks again,” Alec struggles to say. “For the ride, and all.”

Robert seems to understand what he means. After all, Alec’s never been the best when it comes down to words. “You’re welcome.”

They walk inside together without saying anything else. Robert heads off to his studio and Alec goes upstairs to find Magnus. They haven’t seen each other since breakfast because today was Magnus’s first day at Jocelyn’s school.

Alec hasn’t said anything about it, but he’s secretly so proud of Magnus for taking up that job. It can’t be easy for him to be around little kids all day, especially since Alec knows Magnus doesn’t really like them that much. These days, whenever he thinks about Magnus, Alec’s heart does this dangerous thing, like a piroutte, in his chest.

It’s not only dangerous, but completely stupid. Alec knows this. Hodge has been trying to make a point in their last sessions, about Magnus, but Alec doesn’t really agree with him. He knows that to Hodge, to anyone, it’d seem like Magnus is in love with him. But they aren’t Alec, they don’t know what he really is, and they sure don’t know how much better than him Magnus could do. Hodge has told him several times that people aren’t missing pieces, that Alec isn’t incomplete, but Alec knows himself. He knows there are holes that have been punched through him and there is empty space and there are too many things missing. Magnus deserves someone who isn’t just full, but rather someone who has enough to give away. Alec can’t do that. The parts that he has right now, all he was left with, are all he has to survive. He can’t give anything to Magnus without feeling like he’s going to die in the process. Because he probably is.

Magnus isn’t in their room, like Alec thought he’d be. He’s not in the kitchen, either. Alec stops by Jace’s room to see if he’s hanging out there, but it’s empty. He could go ask Lydia if she’s seen Magnus, but Alec doesn’t want to bump into Max by accident.

It’s almost noon when he gives up trying to find Magnus. Alec’s hungry and a bit annoyed, mainly because Magnus had said he’d be here by the time Alec got back from his session, so he goes into the kitchen and makes himself a coffee. He should probably eat lunch, but Alec doesn’t even know how to boil water so it’s better not to risk it. If Maryse was around he’d ask her for a fry-up. She does make some killer eggs.

He’s pouring himself a second cup of coffee when Maia wheels herself into the kitchen. She still looks like shit. “Oh,” she says, like she had forgotten Alec still lives there. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Alec says, already trying to get past her and get away. Conversations with Maia never end too well. “Um, you look better.”

It’s a lie, they both know it. Still, she smiles. “Thanks.”

“Have you seen Magnus?” Alec asks her when he’s already at the door. “I don’t know where he is.”

Something flickers in her eyes and then it’s gone. “Yeah. He’s in the backyard. At least, that’s where I left him.”

“Oh, thanks,” Alec says awkwardly. “Did you two... talk?”

“We talked alright,” Maia lets out a huff. Her cast is no longer bright pink, but a faded one. “But I wouldn’t go find him if I were you.”

“Why?”

“Well, for one he was fuming. And it’s not like he’s the only person on Earth,” she says. Alec doesn’t like her tone. “You have other friends, don’t you? What happened to that Kyle guy, huh?”

“I think I’ll go find Magnus,” Alec says coldly. “Hope you’re okay on your own.”

Maia rolls her eyes and wheels herself to the table. Alec wishes he had checked the backyard before asking her. There’s nothing he hates more talking about Magnus with other people. It’s like everyone else has this idea of what Magnus is like, and Alec just wants to scream __that’s not how he’s with me.__ Besides, Alec knows Maia is being forced to go off the pain meds and that’s making her extra moody, if that’s even possible. Ever since she got back she has been a pain for everyone.

Magnus is outside, smoking. He’s on his third one, Alec notes when he sees the other two cig butts on the ground. He only chainsmokes when he’s angry.

“Hi,” Alec smiles, getting as close as it’d seem normal for anyone watching. “I was looking for you.”

“Well, looks like you’ve found me,” Magnus says. No, snaps. Alec’s a bit taken aback. He’s not sure he remembers the last time Magnus snapped at him like that. “What now? What do you want?”

“I...” Alec momentarily forgets how to speak. “I just wanted to ask you how your first day went.”

Magnus sighs, letting out smoke through his nose. “It was fine, until I came back here.”

“I’m sorry about Maia,” Alec tries. “Did you have a fight or...?”

“No, not at all. As it turns out, we’re best,” Magnus lets his cigarette fall the to ground and stomps on it, “fucking friends.”

Alec doesn’t want to make this about him. He knows Magnus had a long day, it was his first day at a new job, and he came home to Maia and her bitchy attitude. Alec understands that. What he doesn’t understand is why Magnus is acting like this. Except maybe he does, a little.

It’s stupid to feel so disappointed by Magnus’s reaction. What was Alec expecting? A kiss? The realization that he actually thought Magnus would be happy to see him hits him like a kick in the stomach. Why would he be happy to see Alec, out of all people in the world?

But he doesn’t want to make this about him, so Alec pushes his hurt aside for once. “Alright, um. If you want to talk about it...”

“I don’t, thanks.”

Maia was right, he is fuming. Rationally, Alec knows Magnus isn’t angry at him. He knows he just had a fight with Maia, a big one, and that he’s frustrated right now. But there’s a part of his brain, the irrational one, that’s telling him Magnus is already getting tired of him. That this is just the beginning of the end. The end of what, exactly? They still haven’t named this thing that’s going on between them. Maybe it was just a fling. It’s irrational, but it’s there.

“I’m so tired,” Magnus groans. He looks tired to Alec, but also angry. “She’s upset with me, can you believe that? She’s angry because I drove Jordan away. It’s sick. I went out there, put my ass on the line, just so she can be fucking mad-”

It all happens in a second, maybe quicker. Magnus has his arms in the air, gesturing angrily about Maia, and he seems to be getting angrier and angrier and angrier. Alec’s suddenly overly aware of everything. They’re standing way too close and Magnus is almost towering above him, his voice raising higher until it almost touches the clouds.

It’s irrational, but it happens.

Alec blurts out, “Please don’t hit me.”

He wants to take it back as soon as he’s said it. In fact, he’s never regretted anything like he regrets this. Magnus freezes, and then his whole face crumbles. He’s paler than Alec’s ever seen him. Everything feels wrong.

“I’d never-” Magnus chokes. “I... Am I scaring you? I would never, I mean-”

Alec’s brain shuts down for a bit. Shame washes over him. He can’t believe he said that to Magnus. Why did he say that to Magnus? Alec can hear Magnus apologizing in the distance, like he’s a million miles away, even though he’s right there in front of him. Then, silence.

He said that to Magnus because he was scared, because he was triggered. Alec feels even worse for thinking of that word, that’s probably something Hodge would say, something that’s written in PTSD in children. Alec feels like a laboratory rat. He didn’t think Magnus was going to hit him, because when he said it he wasn’t thinking about Magnus. He was thinking about someone else. The rational part argues, no. Alec was remembering someone.

It was the posture, the volume, the angle of Magnus’s hand, like he was preparing to strike Alec as hard as he could. Except Magnus would never do that, Alec has to tell himself this in order to breath, Magnus would never, ever, do that.

Magnus didn’t hit him when Alec dropped his favorite mug and it broke into a million pieces. He didn’t hit Alec when he almost forgot his Harry Potter copy outside when it was raining. Magnus has never hit Alec.

When Alec comes back to Earth Magnus is a mess. He looks and sounds like he’s been talking to Alec for hours, trying to apologize for something that’s not even his fault. “... or I can go find Izzy, just please say something Alec. You’re freaking me the fuck out-”

“I’m sorry I said that,” Alec interrupts Magnus’s rambling. “I didn’t mean it.”

Magnus looks like he’s about to cry. “It’s totally okay if you did. But I would never, and I mean never, put my hands on you like that. You have to know that, right?”

“I know,” Alec says. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. I can’t believe I snapped at you like that. I can’t believe you thought-”

Alec’s shoulders feel too heavy, like he’s been carrying these secrets since the day he learnt how to walk. He suddenly wants Magnus to know, not just this but everything, right now. He wants Magnus to understand that this isn’t about him, that this isn’t his fault. It’s just Alec being a fucked up mess.

If Alec didn’t love him so much it’d be almost funny how worked up Magnus is getting over this. “I’m so sorry, I’ll never raise my voice around you again. Oh my God, I feel like I’m fucking Jordan...”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Alec insists. He adds after a second thought, “well, maybe the snapping part. But that’s still not too bad.”

“It was bad enough to scare you,” Magnus says. It looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, like he’s overly aware of his own body. Alec hates it. He never wants to be the reason why Magnus is self-conscious. “I’m sorry.”

In a moment of inspiration, and boldness, Alec says, “You’re lucky I like you, then.”

He takes Magnus’s hands in his, even though they’re bigger, because he hates the way they’re shaking. Magnus relaxes at the touch. “We’re out in the backyard, you do realize that right?”

What Magnus means is that anyone can see them holding hands. Alec decides he doesn’t care, at least not right now. Maybe not later, either. He gives Magnus’s hands a squeeze, which Magnus happily returns. Then, Alec presses himself against Magnus and before he has time to second guess it, he kisses him full on the mouth.

It’s soft and sloppy because Alec hasn’t really got the hang of kissing yet, but Magnus is smiling against his mouth and that’s enough for now. A part of Alec, the irrational want, kind of wants the whole world to stop and come watch. The rational part seems to be lost somewhere.

“It wasn’t you,” Alec says, once they’ve pulled apart. “I’m the one that’s sorry.”

There’s a whistle from behind them. Alec’s heart stops, but then he remembers that Magnus is standing right next to him, holding his hands. It’s not like anything can go wrong when he’s got that covered.

“You could use a little more tongue in there next time,” Jace says. He’s already walking away from them and to the shed. “But it was quite a show.”

Magnus is out of breath, but he still manages to shout, “Are you sure you’re straight?”

“I’m so straight,” Jace calls from inside the shed, “that I don’t even like to touch my dick when I jerk off.”

Magnus rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry he ruined the moment,” he whispers to Alec. “Actually, I’m sorry about everything that’s happened since you found me today.”

“Even the kiss?”

“Well, that’s the exception.”

Alec’s bravery isn’t gone yet. “Why don’t we kiss more often? Like, all day?”

Magnus lets out a lovely laugh. “If that’s what you want, Alexander, then I’ll have to obey.”

“What did Maia say, to get you so worked up?” Alec asks him once they’re inside. Magnus has run out of cigarettes and it’s getting kind of cold. “She’s really moody today.”

“Did she say anything to you?” Magnus asks, concerned voice back.

“Not really, just told me where to find you.”

“She’s just upset because I confronted Jordan when she was in the hospital,” Magnus says in a tiny voice. “And she’s off her meds, so...”

“Why are you whispering?” Alec laughs.

“Because I’m still upset, but I don’t want to shout about it and scare you off again.”

“You’re not going to scare me,” Alec says. He feels like this episode, or whatever, is something he can talk to Hodge about. He doesn’t have to deal with it on his own, or burden Magnus with his problems. Maybe therapy wasn’t such a bad thing, though he’ll never say it out loud. “I... Is it okay if I take a nap? I feel a little drained.”

Magnus smiles. He’s the prettiest person Alec’s ever seen, that’s for sure. “Of course love. I’ll just stay here and watch America’s Next Top Model. I bet Tayla’s going down this week.”

So Magnus does know about Alec’s silent rule, about the whole not sleeping together thing. Alec wonders how many things Magnus knows about, things Alec hasn’t said yet. It makes Alec feel even worse, somehow, the fact that Magnus has to go around guessing things just because Alec isn’t ready to tell him about them.

“Oh, yeah. You can do that, but. Um,” Alec’s voice is turning into a nervous pitch. “I was thinking, maybe we could nap... together? You can stay here, though. I mean, you probably want to watch America’s Next Top Model because, yeah. It’s a lot more interesting than going to bed at two in the afternoon. Actually, forget I even said-”

“Alexander,” Magnus says sofly. “Are you done rambling?”

“Yes. Maybe.”

“Good.” Magnus starts walking away.

Alec goes after him. “Where are you going? I thought-”

“Well,” he says, choosing his words carefully. “Our room is upstairs, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but-”

“And people usually nap in their beds. Unless you’d like to sleep on the living room flor?”

Alec stops him. Or rather, Alec grabs Magnus’s hand and he stops. “We’re not going to...”

“No,” Magnus shakes his head. It’s like he can read Alec’s mind. “Just sleeping, alright?”

Later, when they’re both in Magnus’s bed and they’ve drawn the blinds so that the room is dark enough to sleep in it, Alec lets himself enjoy the moment. He listens to Magnus’s breathing and watches him pretending to be asleep. They’re not touching, but Alec doesn’t need to touch him to feel him. This is an act of faith. He’s going to close his eyes and go to sleep. And he’s going to trust Magnus with this. Because even if Alec does feel like a lot of him, not to say most, is missing he still has something he can give. It’s not going to end up well, Alec’s sure of it, but he’s going to enjoy this as long as it lasts. Even if it ends up killing him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	15. FIFTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

FIFTEEN

 

“You’ll come with me, won’t you?” Jace is asking. He’s talking to Magnus, but Alec’s the one with a headache. Jace can be as annoying as Maia when he puts his mind to it. “You have to.”

Magnus laughs, his fingers brushing some of Alec’s hair out of his eyes. “Why are you so desperate to go to that party? I thought you didn’t like Raphael.”

Jace puts his arms up in desperation. “You didn’t listen to anything I just said, Magnus. It’s not about fucking Raphael.”

“It’s true,” Alec whispers to Magnus. They’re laying in Magnus’s bed, watching Jace leaning against the doorframe. “You weren’t listening.”

“That’s your fault, Alexander. I was too busy looking at you.”

Jace snorts. “You can look at him and listen to me at the same time.”

“Okay. Why do you want to go to Raphael’s party so badly?”

“Because Clary’s going to be there,” Jace says for the second time. Alec’s head throbs. “And I need to talk to her. She’s not answering to any of my texts.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with her,” Magnus says. His fingers on Alec’s hair make him feel sleepy. “Why did you do that, by the way?”

Jace flushes. Alec’s never seem him look embarrassed, and the expression doesn’t suit Jace’s features. “I needed a break to figure some things out.”

“And why can’t you go by yourself?”

“Because you’re Raphael’s friend.”

Magnus puts his hand up, says, “I was his friend. I haven’t seen him in like, a year.”

“Magnus,” Jace whines. “I need you to do this for me. When have I ever asked you-”

“Let’s see... remember that time you forced me to go with you to Jay’s house so you could return her lost panties? Or what about the time you asked me to cover for you because you were with Clary instead of having dinner here, for Robert’s birthday? Or do you remember-”

“I got it, okay? Jeez. Alec,” his name in Jace’s mouth caughts him by surprise. He hasn’t talked to Alec since he got here. “I need some help out here man.”

“I...” Alec starts. The truth is he really likes Clary. He doesn’t get how on Earth she can put up with Jace, but she’s still amazing. And if Magnus going to that party is what it takes to get her back on Jace’s boat then Alec can’t refuse. “I think you should go, Mags.”

“Fine. Come with me, then.”

“Oh, God,” Jace groans. “You know what, forget I even asked. Alec’s never going to say-”

“I’m right here, you know?” Alec snaps. He swears he can see a glint of pride in Magnus’s eyes at that. “Um, I don’t- I just...”

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, okay?” Magnus tells him as soon as he sees Alec’s getting worked up over it. “I’d rather stay with here you than go to the party, anyways.”

Jace looks like he’s about to have a heart attack. “But you have to come!”

“No, no. It’s, uh, okay. I’ll go too,” Alec says. “Just, um. Don’t leave me alone there?” he asks, just for Magnus to hear.

“I’d never,” Magnus promises. He turns to Jace with a wide smile. “Guess we’re going to the party, then. When is it?”

“That’s the thing,” Jace puts his leather jacket on. “It kind of started thirty minutes ago, so we’re running late.”

  
Magnus’s eyes harden. “We’ll run even later because there’s no way I’m going without changing out of these clothes.”

“I should change too,” Alec says, trying not to panic. “What should I wear, though? I...”

“Your black skinny jeans,” Magnus says easily. “And a t-shirt.”

It takes Magnus forty-five minutes to get ready. Alec just sits in bed after he’s changed into what Magnus suggested, and simply marvels. Magnus has always been a little bit eccentric, Alec’s used to it by now, but that doesn’t mean he’s not amazed at the results of forty five minute makeover.

Magnus is wearing a silky shirt with a weird pattern that has Alec feeling dizzy. He’s even wearing some make up. Alec has never said anything about it, but Magnus looks like an egyptian God with eyeliner. Or he looks what Alec pictures an egyptian God would probably look like.

“Should I ask Maryse and Robert if you can come with us?” Magnus asks, suddenly frowning. “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

Alec shrugs. “I don’t think it’s necessary. I mean, they’re always going off about how I need to socialize more and whatever.” When Magnus shakes his head Alec notices he’s got blue glitter in it. “How do you do that to your hair? It looks...”

Magnus looks a bit self-conscious. “If you don’t like it, I can always-”

“No,” Alec hurries to say. “It looks amazing. Um, you look amazing.”

Compliments are Hodge’s favorite topic. He told Alec last week that if he’s thinking something positive about someone, especially someone he loves, then he ought to say it out loud, no matter how embarrassing it may seem. Alec always thinks positive things about Magnus, he just hadn’t realized the effect saying them out loud would have.

Magnus’s face lights up like the sun. He’s not just beaming, but glowing. “Thank you, Alexander. You look rather ravishing tonight, too.”

It’s not too hard for Alec to give compliments, but it is hard to accept them. He doesn’t know how to deal with praise, mainly because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. It’s so engrained in him that he’s pretty much worthless that it’s hard sometimes to think people don’t agree with that.

He could tell Magnus there’s no way on Earth he could possibly look ravishing in skinny jeans and a t-shirt. In fact, even if he was dressed up in Gucci he’d still look like a mess. Instead he decides to listen to his gut and just let it go. If anything, he’s happy Magnus is happy.

 

Raphael’s house is insanely big. Alec’s not sure how a twenty year old can afford to live in a place like that, but he’s not going to ask either. Even though the place is even bigger than the Institute by the time they arrive it’s already crowded, which does nothing to placate Alec’s growing anxiety.

It’s not the people he’s anxious about, it’s everything else. There’s booze, there’s too-loud music, there’s no way he fits in there like Jace and Magnus do. Alec cowers into Magnus’s side as they step inside, wishing someone would call the cops and ruin this party. Maybe he’s being dramatic. Just maybe.

“There’s Clary,” Jace shouts over the music. He’s already started to walk away. “I’ll find you later, Mags.”

Alec can’t help but roll his eyes. “Is that all? What did he need you here for?”

“Moral support,” Magnus says. He greets some passing people and gets Alec a cup of beer. “Thanks for coming,” he adds, softer.

Alec tries to hand him back the cup. “I’m not of age yet.”

“Neither am I. Oh,” Magnus waves at someone behind Alec. “Raphael.”

Raphael seems surprised to see Magnus there. “Magnus Bane? Where have you been?” Then he notices Alec awkwardly standing there and says, “well, looks like you’ve been busy.”

“This is Alec,” Magnus says. “Alec, this is Raphael.”

“Um, hi.”

Raphael laughs at Alec’s flushed face. “He’s cute Bane, I’ll give you that.”

“I didn’t know you were into art,” Magnus puts his arm around Alec’s shoulder when he notices him starting to shake. “Jace said you were in Clary Fray’s classes?”

“I’m not into art, I’m into art girls. There’s a difference. I didn’t know you were friends with Clary.”

Alec rests his cheek on Magnus’s shoulder. He takes a sip of his beer just for the hell of it. It tastes like dirty quarters. He feels warm with Magnus’s arm around him, and it’s not too hard to block everything out for a while.

“Yeah, she’s dating Jace. Or she was, until last week.”

Raphael and Magnus talk while Alec finishes his beer. It’s not exactly a strong drink, but it does leave Alec feeling a little warmer. Or maybe that’s just the effect of Magnus’s arm on his shoulders. He searches the crowd trying to find Clary and Jace to no avail. There’s a lot of strange people though. A girl wearing a golden bra walks past them to get a drink. When Alec manages to tear off his eyes from her he realizes Raphael’s gone.

“Wanna dance?” Magnus asks him.

“No one’s dancing,” Alec points out. “And I also don’t know how to, so.”

Magnus brushes his thumb against Alec’s cheekbone. “You should have been my prom date.”

“You didn’t ask me,” Alec replies. He’s still getting used to the fact that everyone can see them here. Even if Alec doesn’t know any of these people it’s still a bit terrifying to be out in public. “Why didn’t you?”

“Would you have come if I had asked?”

Alec leans forward and buries his face in Magnus’s neck. He can blame it on the beer later. “Will you be my prom date?”

“I’d love to, Alexander. You know what I would also love?”

“What?”

“To kiss you. Like, right now.”

Alec blushes even harder and keeps his face against Magnus’s neck. “Can it wait?”

“No. It’s an emergency.”

“Okay. I’ll give you a kiss in exchange for another beer.”

Magnus laughs. It’s the prettiest sound Alec’s ever heard. “Cheeky. You’re not trying to get drunk, are you?” He tries to sound scandalized, but Alec can see right through him.

He pulls back a bit and gets on his tiptoes because Magnus is wearing his black boots and that means he’s two inches taller than Alec. It’s just a peck, but Magnus smiles all the same. He’s about to tell Magnus he should paint his nails black more often when Jace comes out of nowhere and cuts him off.

“She agreed to meet me tomorrow for coffee,” he tells Magnus. “So, we can go now.”

Magnus looks at Alec for a second. “What do you want to do babe? We can always go back to the Institute and watch a movie or something.”

“Is it okay if we stay for a little while?” Alec asks. He doesn’t really care about what Jace does, but he is having fun. “Uh, just for a little bit.”

Jace whistles. “I think you’re a bad influence on the kid, Magnus. You’re turning him into a party animal. Is that beer?”

“Get lost, J.”

“I’m going to see if there’s any real alcohol in this place” Jace announces. “Who throws a party without a bottle of whiskey?”

So this is what being normal is like. Alec wants to bathe in this feeling, soak up as much as he can so he can carry it around with him later. Magnus’s hands are at his waist now, which is a dangerous zone, but even that seems okay right now. Alec likes this. Until he doesn’t.

“Mags, Magnus,” Jace comes back. He’s walking fast and talking even faster. “I actually think we should go. Right now.”

Magnus rolls his eyes at him and squeezes Alec’s hip softly. “Did Clary agree to sleep at the Institute tonight, is that it?”

“No. It’s not- we should go.”

Jace’s acting weird. Magnus picks up instantly. He never stutters, never gets nervous.

“J, did something happen?”

When it finally dawns on Jace that Magnus is not going to move unless he knows why he needs to he lets out a long sigh. Alec’s not an expert, but he’s pretty sure what’s about to follow isn’t too good.

“She’s here, okay?”

“Who?” Alec asks now. He’s tired of people having conversations in front of him without including him. “Clary? Didn’t you just talk to her?”

Magnus seems to know who Jace is talking about instantly. His posture chances and he lets go of Alec like he’s been burnt. They’re doing it again, the two of them, having a silent conversation above Alec’s head. It hurts, the fact that Magnus isn’t explaining anything to him.

“Maybe we should go back,” Magnus finally says, rubbing his temples. “I have a headache. Alec, babe, do you mind?”

Yes, Alec does mind. He was having fun, he was acting like a normal teenager, and now he has to leave because Jace is being all secretive and misterious? It’s not just Jace, Alec decides, Magnus is acting strange too.

“Not until you tell me what’s going on,” he says, willing his voice not to break. “Who’s she?”

“Clary,” Jace pipes up. “I was talking about Clary, yeah. Magnus was right, she’s waiting for me at the Institute.”

“You said ‘she’s here’. How can Clary be in two places at the same time?”

Magnus grabs him by the hand and starts to pull him towards the door. Alec can’t believe he’s being manhandled like that. It makes him feel like a rag doll. It also brings back a flood of unpleasant memories. He wants to tell Magnus to stop but he can’t find it in him. Jace is leading the way, pushing people and avoiding elbows as he goes. They make it to the front door before Alec reacts.

“Who are you trying to avoid?” he asks firmly. He has a right to know, he tells himself, he deserves an explanation.

However, Magnus and Jace aren’t listening to him. They’re too busy bickering to even look his way.

“I’m sorry,” Alec hears Jace mumbling. Is Jace actually apologizing? “I didn’t know she’d be here.”

“Just,” Magnus says. “Just let’s get out of here.”

Jace just nods and goes outside. Alec decides he’s sort of mad at Magnus for not explaining and also for dragging him across the room like that, so he follows Jace instead of waiting for Magnus to walk out of the house.

Once he’s outside Alec breathes in fresh air. It’s icy cold and it burn his lungs but it feels good at the same time. He’s always liked things that hurt, in a way. They remind him he’s here. The doorway is deserted because everyone else must be inside. Alec looks down and realizes he’s still holding his cup of beer.

“Where’s Magnus?” Jace asks, sounding frantic.

Alec starts to turn around. “He’s right behind-”

Magnus is right behind Alec. Except he’s not alone. He’s talking to a girl Alec’s never seen before. She’s wearing a tight black dress and four inch high heels. They’re standing way too close, her chest almost touching Magnus’s.

She notices Alec, after a while, and looks at him with a weird smile on her face. “I don’t think we’ve been introduced?”

Jace moves fast and stands up to her, almost hiding Alec from view. “There’s no need for introductions. We already know each other.” His voice sounds fake even to Alec.

“I don’t know him,” she says, looking over Jace’s shoulder at Alec. “What’s your name?”

“Don’t talk to him,” Magnus protests weakly. He sounds and looks drained. “It was nice seeing you, Camille, but we’re going to go now.”

Camille. Alec tries to remember if he’s ever heard Magnus mention someone with that name, but he can’t. She looks fancy. It makes Alec wonder where they met. He doesn’t know of many girls like that who are willing to hang out with orphans. Magnus doesn’t look too happy to see her either.

“I’m Alec,” he says out of pure anger. He’s angry that they’re all ignoring him, like he’s just a baby that decided to tag along. He’s angry that Magnus is not even looking at him, but at her. He’s angry because he doesn’t understand anything.

Camille eyes him up and down. She notices the cup and says, “aren’t you a little bit young to be drinking?”

“I’m seventeen,” Alec almost shrieks. She’s only making him angrier. Coming here was a mistake. He’s never going to be normal. The thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “How old are you? Forty?”

Jace takes the cup away. “I think that’s enough drinking for tonight.”

“I’m twenty-one,” Camille laughs. She turns to Magnus. “He’s really cute. Is he one of your foster brothers?”

It takes Magnus a long time to answer, which only makes Alec’s blood turn even colder. “Yes,” he settles for. “He is.”

Everything is so stupid, Alec decides. He can’t believe Magnus has said that, even though it’s the truth. There was just a tiny part of Alec that was hoping Magnus would introduce him as his... what, exactly? They’re not boyfriends. They’re more foster brothers than boyfriends, in any case. There’s just something in the way Magnus said it, the complete resignation in his voice. Everything is just stupid.

That seems to placate her. It’s like she can completely dismiss Alec now that she knows he’s just one of Magnus’s foster brothers. “Why are you leaving so early, Mags?”

Magnus’s nickname coming from her mouth makes Alec’s stomach turn. Jace speaks for all of them, “why are you leaving so early?”

“I came out here for a smoke. And I wasn’t talking to you, Jacey.”

Alec knows he’s going to regret asking, but he wants to know. “Who are you?”

Camille frowns and turns to Magnus. “You didn’t tell your brother about me?” she asks, faking hurt. The word brother sends a spasm of pain through Alec’s body. “I’m one of Magnus’s exes. You know, one of the lucky ones.”

Even though it’s not a funny joke, Alec laughs anyways. Because it has to be a joke. There’s no way Magnus dated a girl, let alone a girl like Camille, who’s not only richer but older.

Camille’s eyes turn cold. “What are you laughing about?”

“Magnus and you,” Alec half-says, half-mumbles. He’s only now aware of Magnus’s gaze on him, of Jace’s silence. “I mean, it was a joke, right?”

“What makes you think it’s a joke?”

Jace turns away from her and starts walking. Magnus steps away from Camille, too. “C’mon, it’s not worth it,” Jace says.

Magnus tries to take Alec’s hand, but Alec pulls away facing Camille. “Because he’s gay,” Alec states. The thought that he’s outing Magnus to someone who might not know doesn’t cross his mind until after he’s said it.

“He sure wasn’t gay when he was with me,” Camille says. It occurs to Alec that she could be lying, but what would be the point? If she was lying then Magnus would have said something by now. Instead, Magnus is looking at Alec like he’s begging him to just ignore her. It’s obvious she knows Magnus, she even called him Mags, and she also knows about the whole foster thing. Her tone is sharp. She’s not lying. “But maybe you turned him around, huh?”

If things were different Alec would have blushed bright red at her words, but he feels totally empty inside. He crosses his arms over his chest, trying to keep his insides from spilling out of the huge gaping hole that has been opened in him. He sees Camille wave at Magnus and go back inside. He sees Magnus’s worried face, his hand reaching out for him.

Alec swats the hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

He’s so stupid. After all this time he’s still nothing more than Magnus’s baby brother. He was upset, before, but now he’s just numb. Magnus lied to him. It’s so simple and so huge at the same time. If he lied about that, then what else has he lied about? The possibilities are endless. The memory of Magnus’s coming out to him in the downstairs closet seems like nothing more than a prank now.

The worst part is that Jace knows. He knows Camille, he knows Magnus didn’t want to see her. That only makes his heart ache more. Alec was the only one who wasn’t in on the joke. He’s spent his whole life, from the moment he was twelve until now, thinking Magnus only liked boys. That and the fact that he loved Magnus were his only constants, the things he could rely on. And now it feels like rug has been pulled from under him and he’s falling, falling, falling.

“Alexander,” Magnus says softly. Alec looks up to find Jace is a couple of steps ahead of them, probably to give them some space. Magnus is talking to him like one would talk to a kid having a tantrum. “Can we go now? I’ll explain everything at home.”

Alec’s glued to the spot. In fact, he’s tempted to follow Camille inside and ask her for the details. She seemed more than willing to share them, anyways. “So what? She’s lying, is that what you’re going to say?”

“No,” Magnus shakes his head. Alec refuses to feel guilty. “But it’s not what you think.”

“How do you know what I think?” Alec shouts. Jace turns around to look at him, startled. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

  
”I’m the one who’s stupid,” Magnus says. “I should have talked to you about her.”

Alec turns to Jace. “You knew about her, didn’t you?”

Jace is silent, like he’s waiting for Magnus’s permission to talk. It only makes Alec feel worse. “This isn’t about me, Alec. Don’t pull me into it.”

“You’re telling me not to pull you into this? After _you_ pulled _me_ into this mess? I didn’t even want to come here.”

Jace is glaring at him. “I didn’t want you to come, either. Magnus invited you, not me.”

“I thought, for a second-” Alec cuts himself off. This isn’t the place or time to speak about his feelings. He had thought he mattered enough to Magnus to know if he was dating a girl, especially after he had clearly stated he didn’t like them. Like, at all, the memory yells at him. That’s what Magnus had told him. “I’m going to Isabelle’s.”

Jace snorts. “What a surprise.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Magnus grabs Jace by the elbow and tries to drag him away. “Jace, don’t.”

“It means that you always do that. The second things get hard, you leave. Don’t you think Magnus deserves a little bit more trust than that?”

“I’m the one that leaves when things get hard?” Alec says. His voice cracks towards the end. “You broke up with Clary because it was getting too real. Because you’re just as fucked up as I am.”

“Both of you, shut the fuck up,” Magnus snaps. “Jace, go home. You don’t need to be here.”

  
Jace looks like he wants to kick Alec’s teeth in, but he breaks free of Magnus’s hold and walks away, muttering shit under his breath. Alec wishes he was taller and stronger so he could actually fight him and win.

“I’ll walk you to Isabelle’s, if that’s where you want to spend the night. But you have to let me explain first,” Magnus tells Alec. He has his hands up, like a peace sign. “Or I can just call Robert to pick you up.”

  
”You wouldn’t.”

Magnus takes his phone out of his pocket and holds it up for Alec to see. “It’s up to you, Alec. Either way I’m not letting you go alone.”

  
Alec starts to walk and doesn’t even check if Magnus is following him. He doesn’t want to go to Isabelle’s, he wants to be alone so he can think. Magnus isn’t going to let him do that, though.

“I was fifteen,” Magnus says once he’s caught up with Alec. “She was seventeen, about to turn eighteen. But it wasn’t-”

“How long?” Alec’s voice comes out dead.

Magnus doesn’t look like he wants to answer. “Almost two years.”

Alec stops in his tracks. He hadn’t been ready to hear that. The stupid part of his brain that loves Magnus, the one who’s always fucking him over, was hoping Magnus would say it had been just a summer thing. A two month thing. A one date thing. “Did you love her?”

“I...” Magnus stutters. Alec doesn’t need to hear what comes next to know he’s not going to like it. “Yeah, for a while I did.”

This isn’t about Magnus dating other people. Alec isn’t jealous of Camille for being with Magnus. He’s jealous of Jace, because Magnus trusted him enough to tell him about Camille, to tell him that he wasn’t gay. Because, and Alec has to tell himself this, if Magnus was in a two-year relationship with a girl, a year after he came out to Alec, there’s no way Magnus is gay. He can’t be, unless he’s a really good actor. It was different when it was just Tom, because Tom’s a guy. _He sure wasn’t gay when he was with me_ , Camille’s voice echoes in his head. Alec’s so stupid.

“You’re not gay, then.”

“I’m not.”

Alec’s stomach clenches so hard he feels like he’s going to throw up. “You lied to me.”

“I didn’t, Alec. I- when we talked about, when I told you I was gay, I honestly thought I was,” Magnus says, begging Alec to understand. “I had never met a single girl I found attractive and I had a lot of guy crushes.”

“Until you met her,” Alec says bitterly. “And she suddenly made you, what? Not gay?”

Magnus’s shoulders stiffen. He says, “It’s not like that. She didn’t make me anything I wasn’t already. I’ve always liked both, girls and boys, I just didn’t know until I met Camille.”

“We should thank her, then, for enlightening you. Maybe we can throw her thank you party at the Insitute, invite everyone. Because everyone knows about her, don’t they?” Alec’s babbling again. Words come out of his mouth like vomit. “Jace sure does.”

“Alec,” Magnus’s voice is pained. “I’m sorry, alright? I just didn’t want this to happen.”

“What? Me being upset?” Alec says, trying to keep himself from shouting and not quite succeeding. “Why would I be upset?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was just confused, or that I was straight, or I don’t know. I didn’t want- Just. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.”

Alec laughs. “You didn’t think I’d understand. Because I’m your baby foster brother, right Magnus? I’m just little Alexander.”

“I’m also sorry I said that. I just didn’t want her to know-”

“About me?” Alec interrupts. He’s not angry and it’s getting harder and harder to keep up. Everything inside him seems to be shutting down for the night. There’s only the nausea left. “About our thing? I mean, that’s what this is, right? Just a thing you’re doing. Until the next hot rich girl walks by.”

Magnus’s eyes aren’t soft with regret anymore. He looks as angry as Alec wishes he could feel. “You’re drunk.”

“And you’re a fucking liar,” Alec yells with all his strength. He doesn’t care if the neighbors hear, it’s not even his stupid neighborhood. “But hey, I forgot I’m the one who needs to learn how to communicate. Come sit down, Mags,” he lets himself down to the ground and pats the spot next to him as an invitation. “Let’s just talk this out.”

Magnus doesn’t sit down. Instead he takes his phone out to call someone. Alec doesn’t care. He hopes he’s calling the cops. Maybe they’ll sent him to juvie, where he can spend the rest of the year until he turns eighteen in a room without a trace of Magnus’s existence.

Alec sobers up for a second. “Did you just call Robert?”

“Yes, he’ll be here in twenty minutes.”

“We just got back on track,” Alec groans. His head is starting to hurt. “He’s going to hate me.”

Magnus crouches down next to Alec, not touching him but clearly wanting to. “He’s not going to hate you. He’s worried about you, Alec. We all worry about you.”

“You shouldn’t. I’m not worth worrying about.” Great, what a perfect way to end the perfect night. “I’m surprised you don’t know that by now.”

“Why do you always say things like that?” Magnus asks, letting out a frustrated sigh. “You can’t honestly believe them.”

He could tell Magnus all of it right now. Robert won’t be here for another fifteen minutes. That’s more than enough time to put together a tiny explanation, leave out some details... And Hodge would be very proud of him for opening up to Magnus. He’d even give Alec a gold star for his excellent homework.

“They took me in because they felt sorry for me,” Alec says. “Just like they feel sorry for Max. I guess they thought some toys and some love would be enough to make everything go away. It worked with Izzy.”

Magnus stops him. “You can tell me all of this when you’re sober, Alexander.”

“I’m sober,” Alec says easily. “I can’t help but think... I mean, she wouldn’t have left me even if I’d asked. But. Maybe they should have adopted Izzy, and left me where I was.”

“At the hospital?” Magnus prompts softly.

“No. At my house. With, um. My real family.”

Magnus’s frowns. “You mean, the family that put you in the hospital in the first place?”

“Yeah, well. So they could at least finish the job, you know?”

Alec’s pretty sure that’s Robert’s car two meters away, but he’s too tired to point it out. He doesn’t protest when Magnus makes him stand up and guides him inside. Robert’s saying something, but Alec’s ears feel like they’ve been stuffed with cotton. Magnus slides in the back seat with him, even going as far as pulling him on his lap. Alec should protest because Robert’s right there, and he’s still upset with Magnus, but he can’t bring himself to do or say anything.

He presses his head against the car window and passes out.


	16. SIXTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains mentions of past sexual abuse, violence, self harm and suicidal ideation.   
> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

SIXTEEN

 

Alec shows up at Hodge’s office fifteen minutes earlier than he normally would. It’s only ten o’clock but Alec has already managed to successfully avoid both Magnus and Robert, walk all the way here from the Institute without being seen and not be late, which is in itself a huge accomplishment. He paces back and forth in the waiting room, waiting for Hodge to come out of his first session of the day. He’s already tried to read one of the Elle magazines Hodge keeps on the coffee table, but as soon as Alec picked it up he couldn’t help but think of how much Magnus would like it, how he’d flick his tongue and critise every single one of the high couture dresses. His hands were shaking so badly he had to put the magazine down.

“You’re early,” Hodge says when the scrawny girl he was talking to leaves. “I was about to get a coffee, do you want one?”

“No,” Alec manages to say, wincing at how broken his voice sounds. “Thanks.”

Once they are both settled in their usual places, after Hodge has drank more than half of his coffee, he asks, “so, what seems to be the problem?”

“How do you know there’s a problem?”

“Should I point out the obvious? If I must... you’ve bitten your lip open, and your nails aren’t looking that great either. There’s also the fact that you haven’t stopped shaking since you got here, which was way earlier than usual. Should I go on?”

Alec shakes his head. “I fucked up,” he blurts out. “I really, really did. I was... out, with Magnus and Jace. We were at this-”

“Who’s Jace?” Hodge asks, already looking for his pen so he can start writing all the things Alec needs to improve about himself. “I don’t think you’ve mentioned him before. If you have, I’m sorry, I just don’t remember.”

Alec sighs. “He’s Magnus’s friend. It doesn’t matter, the thing is-”

“Alec,” Hodge chides him softly. “You really need to calm down.”

Alec buries his face in his hands and tries to breathe. He was hoping Hodge would be able to provide some sort of answer, some magical advice that would right all his wrongs, but now he’s starting to doubt Hodge has that superpower.

“Magnus lied to me,” he says once his heart has finally settled in his chest. It might as well be dead. “He told me he was gay. But he’s not.”

“And how do you know this?”

“Because yesterday I went to a party with Magnus and Jace, and Magnus’s ex was there. She’s a girl.”

Hodge nods. “Magnus came out to you when he was thirteen, right?”

“Fourteen,” Alec corrects him. “And he says he met her a year after that, which doesn’t make any sense because he said-”

“What did Magnus say when you confronted him about it? I’m assuming you did confront him about it, judging by your state of mind.”

“He said he likes both girls and boy, always has. And that he didn’t know that at the time.”

Hodge takes off his glasses to look at Alec. “So, where is the lie?”

“It’s right there,” Alec explodes silently. “He told me he was gay and he’s not. He should have- just, why didn’t he tell me? How come Jace knew and I didn’t? How is that fair?”

“Has it occurred to you that maybe Magnus felt safer talking to Jace about this?”

Alec huffs. “He said he didn’t want me to get the wrong impression, didn’t want me to think he was straight or something.”

“Did you think that when he told you?”

“I- I was in shock,” Alec protests. “I was drunk. I said... a lot of awful things and I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. We had a fight and he called Robert to come pick us up.”

“That’s why Robert didn’t drive you here today,” Hodge smiles at Alec’s surprised face. “I know your dad, okay? He hates waking up early. Besides, his car isn’t in the parking lot.”

“I woke up at around six and sneaked out before they could confront me about any of it.”

Hodge claps his hands once, the thing he always does when he means to get down to work. “Okay. Magnus lied to you. He lied by omission because he never told you he was bisexual, but judging from what you’re saying he seemed scared of your reaction. And your reaction, Alec, wasn’t the best one either.”

“I was a jerk to him,” Alec moans into his hands. “I didn’t even stop to hear what he had to say.”

“You mentioned you were drunk,” Hodge says and spares Alec a wink. “Was that your first time?”

“First and last time,” Alec says. He woke up to a throbbing headache and a sour taste in his mouth. Not exactly his definition of fun. “I also said something about my, huh, family. Something Magnus definitely didn’t need to hear.”

“I though you wanted him to know about that. Did you change your mind?”

“No, I just didn’t want him to know... how I feel about it. If he could just know the facts, then it wouldn’t bother me. But I said... I mean, I was drunk. I said that Maryse and Robert should have adopted Isabelle without me.”

“And where would that leave you? Six year old you, I mean.”

Alec bites the inside of his cheek, his lip, everything. “Back home.” He quickly adds, “I didn’t really mean it. It was the alcohol talking.”

Hodge ignores the last part. “Is that something you think about a lot?”

“What?”

“What it’d be like if Maryse and Robert hadn’t taken you in.”  
Alec’s throat clogs up for a second. He coughs it away. “I don’t have to imagine it, I already know w<hat would have happened.”

“And what is that?”

Alec doesn’t know where Hodge is trying to go with this, but he decides to just go with it for once. After all there’s not a another place he would rather be at. “I’d be dead. They would have killed me.”

“So, you basically told Magnus you wish you were dead. Do you realize that?”

Alec hadn’t thought of it that way. He feels even worse thinking about Magnus hearing that. He has his own fair share of trouble, he doesn’t need to deal with Alec’s problems too.

“I...” He doesn’t know what to say.

“Have you thought about what I said last week? The whole biting your nails stuff. You said you didn’t know why it upsets Magnus so much.”

“It annoys him,” Alec repeats himself. “And he probably thinks it’s gross. It is gross.”

Hodge sighs. “I’m going to put an idea out there, okay? I just want you to listen to it before you freak out.”

It’s not like he has anything to lose. “Okay.”

“What if the reason why Magnus gets angry with you when you hurt yourself is because he loves you, and by hurting yourself you’re hurting him too?”

It’s one thing to admit that he loves Magnus, but the thought of Magnus loving him back seems completely ridiculous. He doesn’t want to say it out loud, because as much as he likes Hodge Alec knows he would never agree. It’s not even about the way he looks. Alec can’t honestly say he thinks of himself as handsome but he knows he’s not hideous, either. He’s ugly in other ways. Important ways.

“Maybe,” Alec says.

Hodge is silent for a while. Then, he goes to the first page of his notepad and says, “I want you so see something. Once our sessions are over I make sure to go through my notes before the next one, just so I can make sure I’m not missing out on anything. I noticed you were, huh, repeating yourself a bit, so I used a red marker to circle the topics you constantly keep going back to.” Hodge holds the notepad up, so Alec can see, and starts to turn the pages one by one. It’s not tidy, everything is a bit all over the place, but there’s also a lot of red. “I’m sure you remember our third session, when you said that you did not like yourself at all.”

Alec doesn’t understand what Hodge is trying to say. “So, what? You said we could work on that, on the whole self-confidence issue.”

“Alec,” Hodge says slowly. “Do you know what’s the thing you keep mentioning, directly or indirectly?”

“Do I want to know?” Alec jokes, or tries to.

Hodge doesn’t laugh, he doesn’t even crack a smile. “A desire to be dead. You don’t always use the word dead, this is the first time I’ve heard you state it so clearly, but you’ve used plenty of synonyms before. You said, and I quote, I wish I was away from myself and Being gone would be nice,” Hodge reads from his notepad. “Not just once, but several different times.”

Alec doesn’t want to talk about this. He wants to talk about Magnus and what happened last night. He wants Hodge to tell him what to do, how to face Robert when he goes back to the Institute after this session. This is not what he came here for, he doesn’t need another lecture from Hodge about how lovable he is and how he deserves nice things. If he wanted to hear that he’d read a self-help book out loud.

“And?”

Hodge puts down his notepad and finishes his coffee. It’s a while before he speaks again. “I’ve told you before that everything that we talk about here is confidential, that means I’m not allowed to discuss our conversations with anyone. But if I believe your life, or anyone else’s, to be in the danger... I’m obliged to discuss it with Maryse and Robert.”

“What does that mean? I... My life is not in danger.”

“You already use a wide range of self harming behaviors as coping mechanisms. You show total disregard for your own safety. For all I know, you could be experiencing a strong suicidal ideation-”

Alec has to stop him right there. “Enough with the textbook talk. I’m not- I’ve never self-harmed.”

“Self-harm isn’t just cutting yourself, Alec. Every time you bite your nails or you chew on your lip until it bleeds... that’s self-harm too. If it causes you physical pain and you do it on purpose-”

“What are you going to tell Robert and Maryse?” Alec’s voice is shaking. Or maybe he’s shaking, it’s hard to tell. “That I’m a suicidal nutjob?”

“Not at all,” Hodge says, shaking his head. “I’m going to discuss with them different treatment options for you.”

“What do you mean by treatment options? A treatment for what?”

Hodge sighs. “Major depression, mostly.”

“Mostly?” Alec wants to get up and run away as fast as his legs will let him. He’s not strong enough. It’s like sneaking out of the Institute, coming here and talking to Hodge has drained him of all his energy. “Is there something else, on top of that shit?”

“A mild case of PTSD,” Hodge replies. Alec can hear right through his bullshit. There’s no way he’s got a mild case of anything. This is Alec they’re talking about, he’s fucked up beyond mild. “Robert doesn’t know you’re here, does he?”

“Of course he does,” Alec says completely baffled. “Where else would I be?”

“But he didn’t drive you here today, did he?” Hodge waits for Alec to shake his head no. “We still have more than thirty minutes to go. I’d like to call him.”

“What for?”

“So I know he’s going to come pick you up.”

Alec frowns at Hodge’s wary tone. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I never said you did. But you’re seventeen, underage, and I need to talk to Robert so he knows what’s going on with you. You’re his son, remember?”

Alec knows Hodge is only asking out of pure courtesy. It’s not like Alec has say in any of this, so he goes back to staring at the piles of books Hodge has in the room, just like he did in his first session. Hodge is talking to Robert on the phone, most likely anyways, but Alec doesn’t care anymore. He’s too busy staring out of the window and thinking of nothing.

How stupid of him, to think of Hodge as his friend. Of course he’s not Alec’s friend, he’s the man Robert and Maryse hired to look inside his head and figure out what the hell’s broken in there. There’s a lot of damage and Hodge has to file a report of it to his bosses. Surprisingly, he’s not angry at Hodge. Not even at Robert or Maryse for forcing him to come here in the first place, just like he wasn’t mad with Magnus or Jace yesterday.

Alec realizes he’s mad at himself for trusting them. He’s mad at himself for being so stupid, for getting his hopes too high. What was he thinking, opening up to Magnus like that? Did he honestly think Robert would somehow love him more if he and Alec had a special conversation in the car about Jace? How could he have been stupid enough to think, for more than a second, that Hodge actually gave a shit about him? Alec should have never opened his mouth in the first place. He should have kept quiet and let Robert and Maryse’s money go to waste. Alec should have never told Hodge anything, because now it’s all being used against him.

Robert gets there in record time. Alec doesn’t know if Robert’s upset or worried because he refuses to look at him. Alec focuses instead on blocking out their voices. They’re obviously talking about him and he doesn’t want to hear any of it. Hodge lowers his voice a bit when he mentions Alec’s name. It’s weird to think Robert and Hodge go way back, that they’ve known each other for years. It’s not like it matters, anyways.

“So, Alec,” Hodge comes back to his usual spot, after telling Robert to wait in the lounge. “Next session is going to be a little bit different, okay? Your parents are going to join us. Don’t worry,” Hodge says, clearly not seeing Alec does not care. “It’s just so I can explain the situation better to them. I’ll only tell them what’s strictly necessary, you don’t have to worry about that.” Alec doesn’t say anything. “I promise it’s not as scary as it sounds. It’s going to be okay, you are going to be okay.”

“Can I go now?” Alec asks nonchalantly.

Hodge gives him a smile. It looks apologetic. “You’re a great kid, Alec. It’d be nice if you could see it, too.”

Alec nods and walks out. Robert’s waiting for him in the lounge, pretending to read the fashion magazine Alec had turned down earlier. They walk outside together to the car. Alec keeps his eyes glued to the floor.

“Alec,” Robert starts. It doesn’t look like he’s going to start driving any time soon. “I’m not upset about what happened last night, you didn’t have to sneak out like that. I’d still have driven you here today, you know?” He places both hands on the steering wheel, even though the car’s dead. “I... can you please look at me for a second?”

Alec can’t look at him. If he did then this would be happening, and it just isn’t. Alec rests his cheek against the cold car window and looks at the empty parking lot instead. So much for trying to avoid conversations.

Robert doesn’t grow frustrated at Alec’s lack of response. “Alright.” He starts the car. “I just wanted you to know that.”

The ride back to the Institute is a blur. Alec would be nervous if he had enough energy to feel anything. Once they’re back Robert hurries off to find Maryse and tell her, most likely anyways, how fucked up Alec is in the head and how they’ve both been asked out on a date with Alec’s shrink.

Maia and Lydia are sprawled over the living room couch when he comes in. They both sit up when they see him, opening their mouths at the same time, but Alec ignores them. His feet drag him past the kitchen and the downstairs bathroom, towards the stairs. He doesn’t go up though, he knows what’s waiting for him there. Instead he crawls into his secret closet and sits with his back pressed against the door to keep anyone from coming in. He doesn’t want Magnus to catch him by surprise like he did last time. Not that Magnus will come looking. Alec wouldn’t, if he was Magnus, not after the way he treated him last night. Alec can’t believe he said those things, he can’t believe he mocked Magnus like that.

Yet there’s something else buzzing in his head, besides all the other fucked up things he’s always thinking. Magnus was with Camille for two years. Two whole years. What was Alec doing back then? How could Magnus be dating a girl for so long without Alec knowing?

It’s not like Alec knows a lot about Magnus’s love life. They never talked about it after he came out. Alec thought they didn’t need to, he had thought he was important enough, that he was Magnus’s best friend, and that Magnus would just tell him that kind of stuff.

Camille is beautiful, there’s no denying that, but she’s also brutal. Alec can’t help but compare himself to her. They have nothing in common. She’s confident, Alec isn’t. She’s sharp. Alec’s not. Magnus did downgrade with him, that’s for sure. That is, if Magnus was in a relationship with Alec, which he isn’t. That’s another score for her. She was Magnus’s girlfriend for two years. Alec’s just his foster brother-slash-friend-slash-nothing.

His fingers find the loose board easily in the dark. He knows this place by heart. Alec reaches inside just for the hell of it, convinced that it’s empty, but his fingers brush against something. His retrieves his hand instantly, thinking that it’s a rat or some other awful creature that’s going to kill him. But curiosity gets the best of him, so he sticks his hand back in and hopes for the best.

It’s not a rat. It’s a book wrapped up in a scarf. Alec doesn’t need to read the title to know which book it is. Magnus must have put it there. No one else knows about this place, besides this book is Magnus’s. Alec opens it at a random part and starts to read, using the flashlight app in his phone to see the words. He reads until his neck starts to hurt and his phone is about to turn off. Then, he puts the book back where he found it and goes back outside. He’s getting to old for this whole hiding thing. That closet’s too small for someone his height. Besides, the whole point of his hiding spots was to make the world stop for a while. If no one knows where you are, are you anywhere at all? Alec didn’t want to be, so he kept looking for a place that was nowhere, that made him feel like he was nowhere. Avoiding responsibilities now is not that much fun.

The climb to his room is silent. He doesn’t run into anyone on the way there. Jace’s door is closed and when Alec walks by it he swears he can hear Clary’s voice. They’re probably having make up sex. Alec wants to be happy for them, he just doesn’t have it in him.

Their room is completely dark because the blinds are drawn. Alec slips off his shoes and crawls into his bed. The sheets are cold and inviting, just like they were when he left in the morning. He thinks of Magnus’s bed, of how warm it always is and how much better his pillow smells because Magnus refuses to stop using Lydia’s raspberry shampoo. Alec’s about to bite his cheek when he remembers the conversation he had with Hodge earlier and it suddenly doesn’t feel so tempting.

He dozes off for a while. When he wakes up Magnus is sitting on the edge of Alec’s bed. The scene is disturbingly familiar.

“Hi,” Alec croaks.

Magnus ignores him. “I woke up at eight and you weren’t here.”

“I had therapy today,” Alec replies, sitting up on the bed. He’s not looking at Magnus’s face, he doesn’t want to see the anger in his eyes. Or worse, his pity.

“Your session starts at ten,” Magnus says in a dead voice. “You left almost two hours earlier.”

Actually, Alec left four hours earlier, but Magnus doesn’t need to know about that. “I just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep.”

The silence between them is a living thing. It breathes and moves around the room, surrounding everything. Alec feels like he can’t breathe with the pressure of it.

He wants to tell Magnus what happened with Hodge today but he knows now’s not the time. Jace was right. He’s always crowding Magnus with his problems and never lets him talk about his. Besides, there’s not a lot Magnus can do about Alec’s current situation. He’d also like to apologize for the stupid things he said yesterday, but he’s scared that bringing it up could make Magnus even more upset.

As always, Magnus beats him to it. “I should have told you,” he says without looking at Alec. Or that’s what Alec likes to think. “About Camille and about everything else. I guess I didn’t want you to think any less of me for it.”

“I’d never think- I mean,” Alec’s a mess with words. “I think it’s... great? You should, huh, keep it up.”

Magnus’s hand finds his in the bed. “Just so you know, I never had to tell Jace about Camille. He was there when we met. That’s why it was easy to... let him know.”

“Where did you meet her?” Alec asks. He’s not mad, just curious. He’s been thinking about it and it’s unfair to be angry with Magnus for being with someone in the past and not saying anything about it. Alec’s done the exact same thing, Magnus just doesn’t know it yet.

“Remember when Jace dyed his hair blue?” Alec nods, unsure of what that has to do with anything. “He had turned fifteen and we decided to go out and celebrate. It was just Jace and I. Izzy said she didn’t want you going, so we didn’t tell you anything about it.” Magnus’s voice changes. It becomes hard. “She was there. We hooked up and... well, you know the rest.”

Alec doesn’t know, but he also doesn’t want to. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. And for acting like a bigot.”

Magnus’s hand is shaking when he reaches out to touch Alec’s shoulder. “Are we okay, then?”

Alec wants to be angry at Magnus for lying, but he feels like such a hypocrite. Who is he to get upset because he doesn’t know everything about Magnus? He’s still angry at himself for thinking Magnus would trust him. Trust should be a mutual thing, Alec decides in his head, he has to trust Magnus with something if he wants to be trusted in return. So he nods. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Magnus doesn’t move an inch. He’s waiting for Alec’s response, but Alec’s vocal cords don’t feel like working right now. Alec presses his mouth against Magnus’s, running his hands up his shoulders to the sides of his neck, trying to hold him in place like he’s scared Magnus will walk out of the door if he doesn’t hold him down tightly enough. It tastes like forgiveness.

“You always ask me that,” Alec mutters, nose to nose with Magnus. “I thought people just kissed each other without asking.”

Magnus’s eyes are locked with his. “I never want to kiss you without asking. I never want to do anything with you without asking for your permission.”

Alec chooses his answer carefully. “You’re the first person I ever kissed.”

“Really?” Magnus asks, not mockingly but surprised.

“Yeah,” Alec says. He doesn’t bite the inside of his cheek, or his lip, or his fingernails. He sits there, looking at Magnus, and just says it. “They never kissed me. On the mouth, I mean.”

Magnus pretends to be calm, yet Alec can see the anger in his features. His reply is soft, like he’s testing the waters, and trying to figure out how much Alec is willing to share. “They?”

“My dad’s friends,” Alec answers, except this time he can’t help but bite down on his lip as hard as he can. Hodge wouldn’t approve of that. “I’ve been lying to you too.”

Contrary to what Alec had thought, Magnus doesn’t look betrayed. He looks at a loss of words. “What do you mean, lying?”

Alec tastes bile and blood mixed in his mouth. “Do you remember when I woke up that night and I told you...” he pauses to breathe. “I said I was starting to remember things.”

“I do.”

“I also said my uncle was, um. I said he was the one hurting me.”

Magnus swallows forcefully. His face is a shadow in the darkness of their room, so Alec can’t know if he’s grossed out or angry. “You said you thought it was your uncle, but that you didn’t remember it very well.”

Alec focuses on Magnus’s hand on his shoulder. “There were other dreams after that. And I never mentioned it again.”

“You didn’t have to,” Magnus protests weakly. His voice is nothing more than a whisper. He sounds scared of scaring Alec off. “It’s not an obligation.”

“It kind of is,” Alec laughs a self-depreciating laugh. “You should know what you’re getting into.”

“Alec-”

“It wasn’t my uncle. He made me call him uncle, but I don’t think he was. And,” Alec has to get this out of his body. “There were others. I... They were my dad’s poker buddies, I think. There was a lot of betting and, um, prizes.” Alec bites down again, tastes blood, bites down harder. “I was the prize.”

Magnus isn’t saying anything.

“They never touched Izzy. I guess they just didn’t like girls. Or maybe they didn’t like girls her age.” Alec waits. “I lied by omission, I think. You need to know, so you can decide if you want to keep doing this.”

“Doing what?”

“Us. This... thing that we’re doing.”

Magnus touches his lip, right where Alec was biting before. It must have taken a lot for him not to interrupt Alec and tell him to stop. “We’re not just a thing. I thought you knew that.”

“Whatever, just... if you don’t want to do this anymore-”

“Alexander, why on Earth would I want that?”

“Because,” Alec starts with a laugh. “I’m not- I’m all used up.”

“For God’s sake don’t fucking say that, Alec,” Magnus practically growls. “It’s not true.”

Alec starts to pull away but Magnus holds him in place. “Yes, it is. The things I did are disgusting. I’m disgusting.”

Magnus shakes his head, like he can’t believe what Alec’ saying. “You mean the things they made you do. And you’re not disgusting. They are.” He pauses and then adds, “I’m not angry at you for not telling me. Hell, I’m so fucking proud of you for even being here, after all that. I love you, nothing you say is going to change that.”

There is one thing. “I can’t have sex,” Alec blurts out. “I just, the thought of it makes me want to throw up. Even with you,” he admits.

“Then there won’t be sex,” Magnus replies instantly. “I still love you.”

“And how long will that last without sex? You’re not like me. You like it, I know you do.”

Magnus presses his thumb against Alec’s lip. “I like being with you more than anything else in the world. Even more than sex.”

Alec decides it’s not worth fighting over who’s right and who’s wrong. He knows, deep down, that he’s right and Magnus will eventually get tired and horny and will have to find someone else, someone who can love him right. Someone who can give him everything Alec can’t.

He feels disgusting, like every hand that’s ever touched him was covered in grease and left a mark. If Alec could, he’d peel off every layer of skin he has, right down to the bone, just so he didn’t have to feel this.

“Can I turn on the lights?” Magnus asks, his voice soft and warm. “I want to see your face.”

“You see my face all the time,” Alec groans but nods anyways.

Magnus turns on the lamp on their bedside table and stares at Alec for a long time. Before Alec can freak out he says, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so in love with you sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Again, Alec doesn’t know what to say.

“I hate the people who hurt you,” Magnus goes on. “I hope they’re all dead or suffering or both. And I hate Robert and Maryse, a little, for never doing anything about this until now. They should have offered you therapy as soon as you got here.”

“They don’t know,” Alec says quietly. “I never told anyone about this, not even the social workers that put Isabelle and me in the foster care system.”

“But you were on the fucking hospital-”

“Not because of them,” Alec says. Talking about it like this, just the bare facts, is not as hard as he had thought it’d be. It’s like they’re not his memories, but someone else’s. Like he was just a bystander. “My dad did that. Isabelle and I were playing and I spilled paint all over a carpet my grandfather had given him before passing away. A neighbor called the cops when they heard me screaming.”

Now that Alec can see Magnus’s face he watches his lips purse like he’s in pain. “Does Isabelle know?”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “She tried to stop it, at first. But it’s not like she could do anything about it.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but you need to tell Robert and Maryse.”

Alec holds his gaze. “Not until I’m eighteen.”

“What, why?”

“Because they’re going to kick me out when I tell them, and by the time I’m eighteen I’ll be at college,” Alec explains.

Magnus pulls back, shocked. “You think they’re going to kick you out?”

“The only reason they took me in was because they didn’t know about this.”

“They took Max in.”

Alec flinches the tiniest bit at the comparison. “That’s different.”

“How on Earth is that different?”

“Because it just is, okay?” Alec’s slurring his words. He can’t make them come out fast enough. “You have to promise you won’t tell them, Magnus.”

“It’s not my secret to tell. But I can’t believe you think they’re going to stop loving you just like that, Alec. Love doesn’t work that way. They’re your fucking parents.”

He sounds just like Isabelle. “They’re not my parents.”

“You’re so stubborn,” Magnus says. “You’re lucky I love you so much, or else I would have killed you by now.”

“Can I ask you something?” Alec mutters, letting Magnus pull him onto his lap. “I’ve been thinking about it and. Well, you said Camille was almost eighteen when you... had sex with her.”

Magnus goes completely stiff. “And?”

“You were still a kid,” Alec says. He suddenly hates her so bad it makes his stomach turn. “She shouldn’t have done that.”

“She didn’t take advantage of me, if that’s what you’re trying to ask. I wanted to be with her.”

It’s hard to know if he’s telling the truth, but Alec doesn’t want to pry anything from him. “Did you end on bad terms?”

“Yes, that’s why I was trying to avoid her at the party. And because, well, you didn’t know about her and I was hoping if we got out of there before you saw her...”

“... I’d never find out,” Alec finishes for him. “You sounded a little... scared, when you were talking to her.”

Magnus holds him tighter. He’s obviously not in a sharing mood. “Let’s not talk about her right now. I love you and I’m with you, not her.”

“What are we?”

Magnus rolls his eyes, some of his humor coming back. “Humans, Alec. I can’t believe they didn’t teach you that in school.”

“Magnus,” Alec slaps his arm. “I mean you and I. Like, together.”

“Hell, no. I’m not going to ask you to be my boyfriend while I’m wearing sweatpants and I’ve just been crying. You’ll have to wait until our next date for that.”

“You’ve been crying?”

“A little,” Magnus says, playing with Alec’s hair. “You didn’t notice because it was dark.”

“I... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Now, let’s talk about what’s really important here.”

Alec braces himself for the worst. He’s sure Magnus notices but doesn’t say anything about the way Alec’s fingers are gripping his shirt. “And what is that?”

“I never took you out to eat Chinese. We never had our first date, Alexander. Everything’s a disaster.”

Alec laughs, he can’t help himself. “What kind of gentleman are you?”

“A very bad one, I must say.” Magnus leans closer, until their foreheads are touching. “Can I kiss you?”

Alec nods. “You don’t have to ask.”

“I always will.”

“Okay then,” Alec says through the knot in his throat. “Thank you,” he adds quietly.

Magnus kisses his cheek. It somehow feels more intimate than any other kiss they’ve shared. “Thank _you_ ,” he says.

Alec’s not sure he gets what Magnus means. "What are you saying thank you for?"

Instead of replying, he asks, "can I kiss you again?"

"I don't know, can you?"

Magnus laughs. "Come on, let's go talk to Jace. I almost forgot about him. We can kiss some more when we come back."

"Why do we need to talk to Jace?" Alec whines but follows Magnus out of the room anyways.

"He freaked out this morning when I told him you were gone. I was supposed to let him know you were okay as soon as I heard from you, but I got distracted and forgot."

"Jace?" Alec frowns. "He was worried? About me?"

"He thinks you left early because of what he said, the whole leaving thing," Magnus rolls his eyes. "He's an egocentric asshole, what can I say?"

Alec smiles. Maybe Jace isn't as bad as he had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	17. SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

SEVENTEEN

 

Before Magnus can knock on Jace’s door Alec stops, grabbing him by the elbow. Magnus turns to look at him and Alec forces himself to meet his eyes.

“Wait,” Alec says. His hands are sweaty. “I don’t feel so good right now. I think I need to sit down.”

Magnus’s eyes are worried. “What’s wrong?”

He’d like to lie and say he’s fine, that there’s nothing wrong, but he can’t lie to Magnus anymore. Alec has made a choice and he needs to stand by it. He’s decided that he needs to trust Magnus. So far, keeping things to himself and pushing everyone away hasn’t turned out too good. Maybe he can’t trust Maryse and Robert, not even Isabelle, but he can give it a try with Magnus. That way, when Magnus leaves, it won’t be because Alec was too afraid of opening up. It’ll be because Alec’s too much for anyone to handle. It’ll prove that Alec has been right all along.

It was easy to ignore the disgust back in the darkness of their room, when he didn’t have to see Magnus’s face or deal with the fact that there is a world of people out there, a world that includes Jace and Clary and everyone that lives in the Institute. It was easy to ignore the feeling in the back of his head, the same so heavy it makes his shoulders sag with the weight of it. It’s not easy anymore.

“I need you to tell me the truth,” Alec says, wiping his hands on the front of his jeans. He hugs himself to keep from biting his nails. “You can’t honestly be okay with... what I told you.”

Magnus has a look on his face Alec can’t read. “I’m not okay with it. The thought of anyone hurting you like that makes me sick to my stomach,” Magnus says. Alec’s heart skips four beats. He knew Magnus being disgusted by him was a possibility. “But only because I know they’re still out there. They’re not in jail, they’re not paying for what they did to you. I’m not okay with what happened because you’re not okay with it either.”

Alec focuses on Magnus’s hands. One of his hands, the one with all the rings, turned into a fist while he was speaking. This Magnus reminds him too much of Isabelle.

“It was their word against mine,” he says, it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself instead of Magnus. “I would have never won the trial.”

“Love,” Magnus comes closer and tilts Alec’s chin to look him in the eye. His tone isn’t patronizing, but sad. “It wouldn’t have been just your word. I’m sure there was physical evidence of the abuse, as well as psychological.”

Alec can’t help but snort. “There’s still is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hodge said there’s a lot of fucked up things going on in my head.”

Magnus frowns. “I’m sure he didn’t say that.”

“Well, those weren’t his exact words but... That’s what he was thinking.”

“What did he say, exactly?”

Alec looks at the door. He doesn’t want Jace or Clary listening to this, so he takes a couple of steps back. Magnus follows him down the hall.

“Something about depression.” Alec says. He watches Magnus’s face closely. “And PTSD.”

“What’s PTSD?” Magnus asks. His eyes widen a second later. “Is that some sort of STD?”

Alec wants to laugh. He coughs, in an attempt to hide his smile. “PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He notices Magnus’s cheeks turning red. “It’s okay, you didn’t know. I didn’t know what it meant either, until Hodge told me.”

Magnus is serious again, worried. “What does it do?”

“Remember my nightmares?” Alec asks, when Magnus nods he goes on. “It’s just... Hodge said I never dealt with the, um, abuse. But that it left a lot of damage. PTSD is kind of all that damage.”

Magnus bites his lip for the first time since Alec met him. “Fuck.”

Alec kisses him. He’s still thinking bad thoughts, but he needs to do this. “Don’t bite your lip, you’re hurting yourself.”

Magnus is still startled by the kiss. “You do it all the time.” He touches Alec’s bottom lip, which is chapped and almost split open because he’s been chewing on it all day. “I wish you’d stop doing it.”

“I’m working on it.” Alec gives him a smile. It’s new, this ground they’re both walking on, and Alec’s still scared it’ll swallow him whole. “Let’s go talk to Jace so we can go back to kissing.”

“Someone’s a bit eager, huh?” Magnus leads the way. This time, when he goes to knock on Jace’s door, Alec doesn’t stop him. He calls, “Put some clothes on before opening this door, or I swear-”

The door flies open to reveal Jace wearing only a pair of black Calvin Klein boxers. “So, where is- oh, Alec.”

Alec tries not to look at Jace’s bulge. It’s already awkward without Alec staring. “I’m here.”

Magnus cranes his neck to see the interior of Jace’s room. “Is Clary here?”

“No, you just missed her.” Jace lets them both come in. “Glad to see you’re back. I kept telling Magnus to cancel the search party.”

Alec’s only been in Jace’s room twice. Every time a new kid arrived at the Institute Robert and Maryse would make sure the room they stayed in was not only clean but also personalized. Kids could hang posters on the walls, or even paint them a different color if they wanted to. Jace insisted on leaving the walls completely bare. They were white, and Alec remembers Maryse arguing with Jace about it, saying white was not the best color for a wall in a kid’s room, simply because it’d get dirty far too quickly. However, that was never the case with Jace. He kept his room organized beyond all obsession, going as far as to stay home on Saturdays instead of going out. Nowadays Jace’s room is still tidy and clean, but there are some glimpses of color. Clary’s green sweater on his bed, Clary’s coloring pencils all over his desk. Alec likes it better this way.

“I’m going to go find Clary,” Magnus announces. “Be right back.”

Alec rolls his eyes. Magnus isn’t the most subtle person on Earth. When he leaves, Jace slips on a t-shirt and looks at Alec, like he’s waiting for him to say something. Alec’s not exactly sure what he’s supposed to say.

“I’m glad you got back with Clary,” Alec says awkwardly. He can still see Jace’s boxer shorts. “She’s...” the nicest part of you “really good for you.”

Jace smiles. Alec freaks out, internally. Jace has never smiled at him before, not like that. “You don’t suck as much as I thought you did, Lightwood.”

“Woah, thanks. I guess.”

“I mean it,” Jace tells him. His blonde hair seems to be glowing. Alec must be dreaming, because there’s no way Jace is being nice to him. “You’re good for Magnus, too. Don’t fuck it up with him, okay?”

“I... No, I won’t.”

“Or else,” Jace gives him another dazzling smile. “I’ll strangle you with your own bowels.”

“Yes,” Alec says dryly. “I think you’ve said that before.”

Jace takes his time with the next part. If Alec didn’t know him better he’d think Jace is nervous. “I’m sorry about what I said. Even though it was the truth. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that.”

That’s the closest thing Alec’s going to get to an apology. He better take it. “And I’m sorry about the whole Clary thing. I, um. I don’t think you’re fucked up. At least not as fucked up as I am.”

“No one’s as fucked up as you are,” Jace says. He adds, “Well, maybe Jordan.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Don’t disappear like that again. For Magnus’s sake, I mean.”

Alec plays along. He knows worry when he sees it, and Jace had been worried about him, even if he’ll never admit it. “I won’t.”

“Magnus’s offer is still standing, you know.”

“What are you talking about?”

Jace puts on his ripped jeans. “If you want to talk to me, I’ll listen. I can’t promise I won’t fall asleep, but...”

“It’s okay,” Alec stops him. He can’t imagine anything more awkward than talking to Jace about this. “What I said in the shed... You were right. I don’t know what you’ve been through. I shouldn’t go around comparing your suffering to other people’s.”

“Don’t call it suffering,” Jace groans. “It makes it sound like I’m Jesus Christ carrying his own cross, or something.”

“Does abuse sound better?”

Jace’s face hardens a bit at the word. “Just don’t say anything. I liked you better when you didn’t talk so much.”

“I thought you didn’t like me before, at all.”

Jace seems to consider this. He says, “I tried really hard not to like you. Although I have to say you made it quite easy, being so stupid all the time.”

“Why would you-” Alec cuts himself off. He laughs. “You were jealous, weren’t you? Because Magnus was my friend way before he was yours.”

“Please,” Jace scoffs. Alec sees right through him, but it’s okay. He doesn’t need Jace to say he’s right. “I don’t even know what jealous means.”

“Have you ripped each others eyes out yet?” Clary says from the other side of the door. “Or is it safe to come in?”

Jace squints his eyes.“Take off your shoes before you cross that door. You were probably out with Magnus in the backyard and I don’t want any mud on my carpet.”

When Clary and Magnus walk through the door they are both barefoot. Alec walks slowly towards Magnus. He kind of wishes Magnus would take the hint and make up an excuse, because Alec sucks at lying, so they can get out of there. Jace’s room smells of clean laundry and it’s starting to make Alec’s nose burn.

“We should got out,” Clary says, tying her hair up in a ponytail. “The four of us.”

Alec and Jace share a look. It’s comforting to know Alec’s not the only one who doesn’t want to go to whatever Clary has planned. Jace is a lot braver than Alec and speaks out first. “Maybe next Friday. I heard there’s a crazy Chinese place-”

“I told you about that,” Magnus shrieks. “And we’re not going there.”

Jace crosses his arms over his chest. “Why?”

“Because Alec and I are going there,” Magnus says. The whole time he’s been speaking his hand has been resting on Alec’s lower back, hidden from view. “First date, and all.”

Clary’s face is priceless. “You haven’t taken him out yet?”

“I’m right here,” Alec complains. Magnus’s hand on his back is making him feel dizzy with anticipation. “He hasn’t. But we’re going to go soon, I think.”

Jace seems uncomfortable with so many people in his room. “Well, we can arrange this double date later. I have things I need to get done.”

“You have a Clary you need to do,” Magnus corrects him. Alec is already dragging him out of there, or at least trying to. “I’ll text you,” he mouths to Clary. He laughs when Jace slams the door shut behind them. “God, Alec. You really want to kiss me, huh?”

Alec feels his face burning. “Maybe.”

“Do you want to go on that double date? I didn’t want to say yes in case you-”

“I’d like to go on a date with you first,” Alec says in a hushed voice. “Um, just the two of us.”

Magnus nods. “I’d like that too.”

 

 

“Medication?” Maryse asks. Her tone is not exactly disapproving, just surprised. None of them have talked since they got there. Hodge has been explaining for thirty minutes straight and this is the best thing Maryse can ask. Alec refuses to feel bad for dragging both her and Robert out of work this morning. “Isn’t that a bit extreme? What about cognitive therapy?”

Hodge glances at Alec. “Cognitive therapy is working, but there are some things that can’t be treated with a weekly therapy session. Some behavioral issues. That’s where medication comes in.”

“And what kind of medication are we talking about?” Robert asks, a second before Maryse can open her mouth again. “What dosage?”

“I’d like to get him started on Zoloft.”

“But is that for his, uh... depression, or for his... what was it called?”

“PTSD,” Hodge supplies. “Well, for both. Since Alec’s still underage you have to decide whether or not you want him to be on Zoloft, but I think Alec should also have a say on this.”

Alec feels three pairs of eyes on him. His skin is doing that thing again, the whole itchy feeling that spreads through his body and there’s no way he can scratch it away. The truth is he doesn’t care about what they decide. He doesn’t care if he has to take fifteen pills a day to keep from jumping off a bridge. All he knows is that he’s tired of this. Maybe a lobotomy would help.

“I don’t know,” he says, looking back at Hodge. “Whatever.”

“I just don’t get it,” Maryse says angrily. “How come no other professional ever noticed this? How come we didn’t-”

Hodge is calm in his reply. “Depression doesn’t always look like it does in movies. Maybe you and Robert noticed Alec was feeling a bit more under the weather, but it’s hard to spot its symptoms. PTSD is even harder to identify.”

“This traumatic event, the one that caused the PTSD thing, can it be traced back to Alec’s childhood? Before we adopted him?” Robert asks.

Hodge has promised he won’t tell them any details, so Alec isn’t too worried about Robert’s question. He can blame it all on his father’s beating. They won’t know he’s lying, unless someone tells them otherwise. Magnus promised he wouldn’t tell either.

“Yes. A lot of children in the foster care system deal with PTSD, it’s not an uncommon trait among those who have lost their parents.”

“Alright,” Maryse says. Alec would have thought she’d dress up for this; however, she’s not wearing her pearl necklace today. “Let’s say we agree to get Alec started on these pills. How exactly will they make him feel, behave, etc?”

“They’re supposed to make me feel more in control,” Alec replies. He’s not the only one who can use Google. “I may not have nightmares anymore.”

When the session comes to an end it’s still hard to say if Maryse and Robert like the idea of Alec taking pills. Before saying goodbye, Hodge tells them they should talk to another specialist if they’re having doubts about this type of treatment. It’s clear that Robert trusts him, so he only tells Hodge that they’ll have to think about it, but that they won’t try to find another therapist for Alec in the meantime.

“You just missed a turn,” Alec notes from the backseat. He’s even wearing a seat belt, like a good little boy. “The Institute isn’t this way.”

“We’re not going to the Institute,” Maryse tells him. “We’re going out for lunch, just the three of us. We... well, I thought it’d be nice to spend some time together.”

“What about work?”

“We have the day off,” Robert says. He watches Alec in the review mirror. “Both of us.”

The restaurant is called Alicante. Alec’s been here before, when he was a kid, with Isabelle. It’s the kind of place happy families go to have lunch and talk about their kids friends, sports, and interests. To Alec it’s just the place they would go to for Maryse’s birthdays.

“How’s school?” Maryse asks him once the waiter has taken their order. “Prom is only a month away. Do you have a date?”

Alec does have a date. It’s Magnus. “School’s boring. I haven’t asked anyone out to prom,” he lies. “I was thinking about going with, huh, well. Magnus.”

Robert sips his wine. He sounds a bit disappointed when he says, “Oh. At least you’ll go with a friend.”

Alec wonders how hurt Magnus would feel if he heard them referring to him as Alec’s friend. He keeps quiet about it. “It’s better than going by myself.”

“Maybe you could ask one of the girls to go with you. Not Maia,” Maryse adds quickly with a frown. “She’s still has to be careful with her leg. Lydia would love to, I’m sure.”

It’s pathetic how hard she’s trying to be subtle. “I’d rather go with Mags.”

Robert shifts in his seat. He waits until his plates arrive to speak. “Well, have you thought how that’s going to look? Magnus went to the same school.”

What he’s trying to say is that everyone there knows Magnus likes boys. And girls, Alec adds in his head. He keeps forgetting about it and it makes him angry with himself. It’s something important.

He can’t help but feel angry at Robert’s words. “And?”

“All I’m saying is maybe you should ask Lydia instead. Magnus won’t care.”

“I don’t want to go with Lydia, I want to go with Magnus.”

Maryse sighs. She probably has a headache by now. “It was merely a suggestion, Alexander. Has Magnus already agreed to this? If you’re too shy to ask Lydia I could ask her myself, take her shopping for a nice dress. How does that sound?”

“I’m going with Magnus,” Alec says. He tries not to grit his teeth. “We talked about it.”

“Okay.” Robert points out Alec’s full plate. “You haven’t touched your food.”

“Not hungry,” he says. It’s not a lie, talking about Lydia and Magnus has turned his stomach into a mess of knots. “Can we go? You’ve already finished.”

“Wait. Have you thought about what Hodge suggested?”

“Does it matter what I think about it?”

Robert’s mouth twitches sadly. “Of course it does. We’re not going to be the ones taking pills. You have to make that choice for yourself.”

“I have a book on PTSD at home,” Maryse adds. “Maybe we could read it together sometime.”

Alec can’t help but snort. “You mean PTSD in children? God, no. I don’t care about the pills. I thought you trusted Hodge with this.”  
”I do,” Robert says. Maryse is eyeing him curiously. “Ever since you started seeing Hodge I’ve noticed a lot of changes in you, Alexander. I just don’t want you to think drugs are the only option here, because they aren’t.”

“I want to start taking Zoloft. But, well. I don’t want anyone else to know about it, okay?” Alec asks, and he doesn’t care if it sounds like he’s begging. “Not even Izzy.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of-”

“I’m not ashamed. I just want to see if they work before telling everyone about it.”

Maryse gives him a tentative smile. It’s warm. “Okay. Even if they don’t work, don’t beat yourself up over it. We love you and we’ll find a way to help you.”

It’s unfair. Magnus knows and they don’t, which only makes Alec feel worse. They wouldn’t love him if they knew. Alec has never given it too much thought, but he doesn’t know where he’d be without Robert and Maryse’s love. Or rather, he knows where he’d be. It’s not a pretty picture.

Alec wishes he could feel that love, but the entire time Maryse is talking all he can think about is how little they know him. How they love an Alec that doesn’t exist, one that he’s created to fool them into loving him. Izzy’s always said he’s a terrible liar, but he’s managed to lie to both of them for almost a decade. The thought leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Thanks,” Alec says awkwardly. Robert pays and doesn’t comment on the fact that Alec’s wasted his money by not touching his food. “I, um. I don’t have a suit for prom and.. well, I don’t really know where to get one either...”

“Don’t worry,” Maryse tells him. “I’ll tell Izzy to pick one for you.”

“Alright, thanks. I also don’t know if Magnus has a suit?”

Maryse seems disappointed by this. She was probably thinking about what dress to get Lydia. “I’m sure he does. I swear that kid’s closet is bigger than mine.”

They don’t talk about anything important in the car. Once they get to the Institute Alec follows them into the kitchen. It’s empty and there’s no one around to hear what he has to say. He wasn’t planning on doing this today, but he might as well get it over with. They either have it or they don’t. Alec doesn’t know which option he prefers.

“Can I ask you something?”

Robert turns to look at Maryse, trying to keep the worry off his face. “Sure,” he says slowly. “What is it?”

Alec is grateful he decided not to eat anything back at the restaurant. He’s positive he’d be throwing it up by now if he had. “I’d like to see my file.” After a second he adds, “Please.”

They both look like they’ve been slapped in the face. Maryse is the first one to recover from it. “Why?”

“I... I’ve never seen it.”

“You’re not supposed to,” Robert says. “It’s just a bunch of old medical records anyways. Why the sudden interest?”

Alec blinks at them. They haven’t said no yet, which is good. “Can I see it or not?”

Maryse looks at Robert. “Are you sure this won’t be a setback for you?”

“I just want to see it,” Alec repeats. “I’ll give it back when I’m done, if you want me to.”

It’s Robert who gives it to him. He leads Alec up the stairs and into the cellar. They keep all the files in an old desk no one ever uses. He catches a glimpse of Jace’s before Robert closes the draw and hands Alec his file.There’s a yellow sticky note on the front that reads ‘HIGH RISK’.

Alec doesn’t really know what to make of it. He doesn’t open it, not in front of Robert, but he stares at the cover for a long time. It’s not as heavy as Alec thought it would be, but it’s not too light either. He remembers the blinding flash of the camera and wonders how many pictures are hiding in there. It’d be a lie to say he isn’t terrified of it.

“When you’re done with it leave it at my desk downstairs. I’ll put it away myself.”

The cellar isn’t a scary place, yet Alec follows Robert outside like there are ghost chasing after him. His file feels weird in his clammy hands and Alec suddenly wants to put it down and forget all about it.

He doesn’t have to think too hard about what to do next. After all, there’s only one person in the world he wants to share this moment with. Alec sends Magnus a text, telling him to meet him in their hiding spot, and waits for him there in the dark. Maybe it’s a stupid place. Alec likes to think it’s symbolic.

“I got your text,” Magnus breathes out as soon as he opens the closet door. “Are you okay? How did the session go?”

Alec shrugs. “It was fine.”

“Then why are you hiding here, love?” Magnus asks. He sits down in front of Alec so he can look him in the eye. The only source of light in there is Alec’s phone. “Not that I don’t enjoy this particular location, but...”

Alec stays quiet. He slips his file into Magnus’s hands,like a gift. He doesn’t need to see Magnus’s face to know he’s surprised.

“What is this?” Magnus asks. He already knows the answer, but he wants an explanation. “How did you get it?”

“I asked Robert and Maryse to let me see it,” Alec says. He thinks of telling Magnus about the sticky note on Jace’s file, but it doesn’t feel right to do so. “I haven’t read it yet.”

Magnus’s hand finds his knee in the dimly lit closet, gives it a squeeze, “I didn’t think they kept these things here. I bet Jordan’s is a thousand pages long.”

Alec lets out a small laugh. “Can you do something for me?”

“Anything,” Magnus says with no hesitation in his voice. It makes Alec’s heart ache.

“Can you... read it to me?” Alec asks. “You used to read to me here, before.”

Magnus is careful with his reply. “I remember. You used to fall asleep before I got to the last part, every single time.”

“Don’t kill me,” Alec says, smiling. He’s been smiling so much so often it feels unreal. “But I never really liked Harry Potter.”

“What?” Magnus shrieks. “You’re a muggle, I knew it.”

Alec blushes. He doesn’t want his voice to shake, so he breathes in and lets it all out in the open. “I liked your voice, so I guess I pretended to like it so you’d keep reading it to me.”

“I would have read you something else if you had asked, you know.”

“I’m asking now.”

Magnus sighs. He’s holding Alec’s file like he’s scared it’ll turn into dust in his hand. He says, “What does it say?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never read it.”

“Okay, I’ll read it, but only if you sit next to me like you used to do when I read you Harry Potter,” Magnus says. Alec can hear the smile in his voice. “Deal?”

Instead of answering, Alec crawls next to Magnus and lets him put one of his arms around his shoulders. He rests his head against Magnus’s chest and settles there, like he’s done so many times over the years. This time feels different, more important.

Magnus presses a kiss to his temple before opening the file. Inside there is a single sheet of paper that looks like a hospital report. It’s a list. “Bruised ribs, fractured ulna and radius, cut three inches long across forehead,” Magnus reads. His voice cracks a bit towards the end. Alec presses a kiss to his neck to let him know he can go on. “Signs of prolonged physical abuse.”

“You don’t have to look at the pictures if you don’t want to,” Alec stops him softly. He knows this can’t be easy for Magnus, but he also knows he wouldn’t be able to do it without him. “Thank you.”

“What pictures?”

“Um,” Alec swallows. He reminds himself Magnus knows. He knows and hasn’t ran away yet. There’s no need to keep things from him anymore. “They took pictures to document the abuse. I don’t remember a lot, but I know there are a few of them here.”

Magnus reaches out and turns the page. There’s a white envelope with polaroids inside it. His hand is shaking when he takes them out to look at. The first one shows Alec’s right arm in a cast, followed by Alec’s bruised ribs and stomach, and another one of Alec’s face. Looking at them makes Alec feel dizzy.

“Your neck,” Magnus manages to say. “Are those... are those fingerprints?”

Alec nods. He thinks maybe he should keep it to himself, but the words are slipping from his mouth before he can stop them. “One of them was really into choking.”

“It looks like Max’s neck. Is that why you freaked out that time?”

“Yeah. Are you... is this grossing you out?”

Magnus holds him so tight Alec can’t breathe for a moment. “You were so small. Did they even feed you?”

“Waffles,” Alec blurts out. “And pancakes. Izzy and I survived mostly on that.”

“You don’t like waffles,” Magnus says. He looks and sounds like a mess. “You hate pancakes.” Alec doesn’t say anything. “How come nobody fucking noticed-”

“They were good at it,” Alec mutters. He points at one of the pictures. “They avoided my face, most of the time. And they didn’t hit me during summer because it was too hard to hide the bruises.”

“God,” Magnus groans. He fists his hand in Alec’s shirt. “I can’t believe you survived six years of that.”

“I don’t think it was always that way. They only started, uh. My dad started playing poker when I was four, he didn’t like it before then, so.”

That doesn’t seem to make Magnus feel better. He puts the pictures inside the envelope and closes the file, completely ignoring the last two pages left inside. He closes it and throws it to the other side of the closet.

Alec notices a wet spot on his shirt and looks up to find Magnus crying. It feels bizarre. Alec hasn’t seen him cry in years, not since the whole Jordan incident. But even then he hadn’t been crying like this.

“You were the cutest kid I’ve ever seen,” Magnus tells him. A fat tear makes its way down his cheek and lands on his lips. “Do you want to know what’s the first thing I thought when Robert introduced us?”

“What?”

“I thought you’d be a pain in the ass, because you were so pretty. I don’t know, I guess I was used to pretty boys being dicks. But you weren’t. You were- fuck. You were the only person on Earth that made me feel like I wasn’t alone.”

Alec presses his thumb against Magnus’s cheek. “Stop crying, you’re going to ruin your make up.”

Magnus laughs, making more tears fall. “How do you know I’m wearing make up?”

“I always know,” Alec says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Seriously, stop crying. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“Then what were you aiming for?”

Alec stares at his hands. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to look at them alone.”

“I’ll ask Robert for mine and I’ll show it to you, too.”

“You don’t have to,” Alec protests.

“Don’t you want to see what I looked like when I was seven years old?” Magnus gasps, faking hurt. “I was a beautiful child, I’ll let you know that much.”

“Did they take pictures of you too?”

Magnus nods. “After the accident my shoulder was all fucked up. I don’t know if they included those pictures in my file, though.”

“I’m sorry I made you read that out loud. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I’m not upset with you,” Magnus states clearly. “And I’m so happy you trusted me with this. I just... God, I want to kill them so much. I wouldn’t even mind going to jail for it.”

Alec’s heart feels like it could explode for Magnus. “I know she hurt you. I hate her for it, too.”

Magnus freezes completely at Alec’s words. “I don’t know who you’re talking about,” is all he says about it.

Alec smiles. He knows what it’s like to hold on to a secret because it’s scary and ugly. He doesn’t need Magnus to say it out loud. “I’m sure your pictures are better than mine,” he says instead.

Magnus relaxes a bit. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“I love you,” Alec says. They’ve said it a million times before, but Alec hopes Magnus can hear the gratitude in his voice when he says it this time. He’s never been more thankful to have him in his life than he is now. “I wasn’t going to tell you this, but... the first thing I thought when I saw you was that you were going to steal my sweater.”

Magnus laughs and Alec feels like he can breathe again. “The maroon one? It’s not my color, you know.”

Alec laughs too, kisses him and gets up. They’re going to be okay. Trust goes both ways. He’s given his fair share of secrets, and all he can do now is wait for Magnus to share his.


	18. EIGHTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

EIGHTEEN

 

It’s three in the morning when Jace finally manages to open the small lock that keeps the Institute’s documents safe. Alec should be worried about getting caught, but lately it’s been getting harder and harder to worry about things. It could be the meds he’s on, or it could be the fact that he doesn’t care what Robert and Maryse think of him anymore. It’s easier not to care when Magnus is holding him by the waist like this, his fingers firm but gentle on his hips. Besides, Jace seems pretty good at this, which means this isn’t the first time he’s cracked open a lock.

They could have asked Maryse and Robert for their files, like Alec suggested in the first place, but this is way more fun. It makes it special somehow, like they’re all part of a whole, a feeling Alec’s never experienced before.

Jace starts to read the tags, probably trying to find his own file, when he comes across Jordan’s. He pulls it out of the draw and holds it up, grinning. “They could have saved a lot of ink and paper with this one. ‘Fucked up sociopath’ would have worked just fine.”

“Can you see mine?” Lydia asks in an anxious voice. Alec’s not sure why she’s here and Maia isn’t, but he’s not going to ask either. “It starts with a B, idiot.”

Jace tosses her file at her without even looking to see if she catches it. Alec feels Magnus tensing up against him when Jace pulls another file. He takes it from Jace but doesn’t open it, unlike Lydia who’s already flipping through hers.

“Can I look at Jordan’s?” Alec asks. Jace nods absently and tosses the file at him. It feels heavy in Alec’s hand, mainly because it’s several pages long, but also because this is someone else’s whole life. This is Jordan’s whole childhood explained through notes and photographs. He skips the notes and the medical records and goes straight to the pictures. There are only two of them. The first shows a younger version of Jordan, maybe five years old, smiling so wide it looks like he’s cheeks are going to tear apart. He’s also missing several teeth. He’s almost eleven in the second picture, and he isn’t smiling at all. Alec can feel Magnus peeking over his shoulder at the photos, so he asks, “He looks like any other kid. If I didn’t know him, I would never have guessed he’s crazy.”

Magnus nods. “He was a cute child, too. Look at those dimples,” he points out. “It almost makes me feel bad for him.”

“Yeah,” Alec agrees. He looks up from the file and sees Jace has already found his. He thinks of the yellow sticky note he saw the other day on it when Robert had opened the draw. Alec checks Jordan’s file to see if he has one too, but he doesn’t. It’s weird to think someone could be labeled high risk and that it isn’t Jordan. “Are you okay?” Alec asks after a while, turning around a bit so he can look Magnus in the eye. “You don’ have to read it here, or with me. We can go back downstairs and I’ll leave you alone to look at it if you want.”

Magnus smiles and shakes his head. He gives Alec’s hip a final squeeze before letting go. “It’s fine. I’ll read it with you later.”

There’s a long silence before Jace snorts and closes his file. “Well, whatever. I’m going to bed.”

“Aren’t you going to put it back?” Alec asks him calmly. “You know they’ll notice it’s gone.”

“I’ll put it back tomorrow. You all have until ten a.m to put yours back in there. Maybe until eleven, it depends on how tired I am in the morning.” Jace shares a look with Magnus and then he’s gone, his file tucked tightly under his arm.

Lydia is the only one who seems happy to be looking at hers. She’s got a warm smile across her face and when she’s done she puts her file back in the draw, like it’s a book she has finished and has no intention of reading again. She then too says goodnight and leaves.

Alec had stupidly thought they would each pass around their files and share some stories or talk about their photos, but it’s clear that the past is still something they need to make amends with, and it’s not going to happen at three in the morning with four other people around. He doesn’t care about what’s happened to them anyways, not like he cares about Magnus or whatever is written on his file. Alec wishes none of them had a file to begin with, but that’s the way things are and there’s no use crying about it. Again, it’s hard to care about things, especially when they aren’t related to Magnus.

“Let’s go back to bed babe,” Magnus tells him after Alec lets out the tiniest yawn. He’s tired all the time now, something Magnus has noticed too, but Alec isn’t worried about it. It must be another side effect of the pills. “You’re grumpy in the morning when you don’t get enough sleep.”

Alec frowns but still allows Magnus to lead him downstairs to their room. “I’m never grumpy in the morning, you are.”

“I beg to differ.” Magnus helps him out of his clothes. There’s nothing weird or sexual about it, they’ve helped each other undress a million times before. Alec has helped a very drunk Magnus get out of his jeans more than once. This time Magnus shrugs off his shirt and hands it to Alec for him to sleep in, because Alec has no clue where he left his and he’s too tired to look for it. “Do you think I should go check on Jace real quick, before getting into bed?”

“Why would you?” Alec yawns again, already crawling into his side of Magnus’s bed.

“I don’t think he was too happy with his file. Maybe I’m overreacting.”

Alec debates whether or not he should tell him. Finally, he says, “when Robert gave me my file I caught a glimpse of Jace’s. It, well. It had a sticky note on the front.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. It said high risk or something, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, how come Jace had one and Jordan didn’t?”

Magnus looks at the door like he’s trying to decide what to do. He ends up crawling next to Alec. “I’ll talk to him in the morning.”

Alec cuddles closer to him and closes his eyes. “Can you turn off the light, please?”

“Yeah, sure, I just- I thought you’d like to see my file but you do look exhausted.”

“No,” Alec sits up in a hurry. “I’m awake. Can I see it?”

Magnus laughs and kisses his temple. “It’s fine, Alec. You can read it in the morning.”

“Please?” Alec whines. He’s discovered he can get Magnus to agree to almost anything if he pouts hard enough. “C’mon Mags.”

“Just one picture, alright? We’ll see the rest tomorrow morning.” Alec nods. He watches as Magnus slips out one of the pictures in his file and hands it to him. “So, I wasn’t as cute as you, but I wasn’t hideous either.”

Magnus is wrong. He can’t be older than six or seven in the picture and he’s still the prettiest kid Alec’s ever seen. They met a year after that photo was taken, and yet i feels like Magnus was a different kid back then. Alec’s not sure how he got so lucky, but he did, and he wants to let Magnus know about it except there aren’t any words he can use to do so.

“You had big eyes,” Alec says, his thumb ghosting over Magnus’s face. “You look, I don’t know, startled. I feel like I should have stared at you a lot more while we were growing up.”

Magnus’s smile is brighter than the sun. “I did enough staring for the both of us, I think. I’m always staring at you, even now. Sometimes I feel like I’m Edward Cullen, you know.”

“I don’t mind,” Alec shrugs. His heart feels full tonight and he doesn’t know what it is, if it’s because of the pills or the way Magnus is looking at him. “Are there any baby photos of you in there?”

“I don’t think so,” Magnus says slowly. “There weren’t any of you either, which sucks because I bet you were the cutest baby on Earth. Although I can’t really picture you without the sharp cheekbones.”

Alec breathes in slowly, just like Hodge showed him last session. “Izzy has some. We... well, she went back to the house with the social worker while I was at the hospital to get some stuff and I guess she couldn’t leave them behind.”

Magnus’s voice turns gentle. “Really?” is all he says, like he’s prompting Alec to go on on his own. He’s great at listening, even though Alec isn’t great at talking.

“Yes,” Alec replies. He plays with the hem of Magnus’s shirt. “She wasn’t allowed to take a lot of things, but she took enough.”

“What else did she take?”

“Uh, mostly pictures. And a stuffed animal I liked a lot back then.”

The kid-Magnus stares at him, forever frozen in time. That Magnus has longer hair, black and messy. He’s doe-eyed, but there’s still a glint of mischief in there. Alec wishes he could take back everything that’s ever happened to him, even if it means they would have never met, even if Alec’s younger version needed Magnus almost as much as he needed oxygen. Alec would have found a way to breathe and Magnus would have his parents and his life.

“I didn’t know you had a stuffed animal,” Magnus comments. His back is against the wall and his feet are dangling over the edge of his bed. “Was it a teddy bear or something like that?”

“It was a giraffe. I lost it when I got here,” Alec says with no bitterness in his voice. It was a long time ago and the memory doesn’t stir any old feelings inside of him. “Jordan must have taken it, I guess. I was too old for stuffed animals anyways.”

“Is that… is that why you thought I’d take your sweater when we met?”

Alec examines his face for a second. Magnus doesn’t look angry, just sad. “You were the new kid with cool things; of course I thought you were going to take my stuff away. My roommate before you borrowed a lot of things without asking, so.”

“Sebastian?”

“Yeah. I heard Maryse talking about him the other day. Turns out he’s living in Boston now and he’s married.”

“Married?” Magnus whistles. “I thought he was your age.”

“No, he was two years older, I think. I don’t really remember.” Alec hands the photo back to Magnus, who then slips it back into the file. He’s about to add something when another yawn slips from his mouth.

“That’s it Alexander,” Magnus chides his softly. He stretches and turns off the light. “We’re going to sleep right now.”

They lay together in the dark for a while. Alec is used to Magnus falling asleep first, but he seems fidgety tonight. It then occurs to Alec that Magnus might be thinking about his parents so he does his best to stay quiet and comforting. He doesn’t want to break the silence with his awkward, stuttering words.

“What are you thinking about?” Alec asks once it’s clear that Magnus isn’t going to fall asleep anytime soon.

Magnus shrugs, kind of. “Stuff.”

“Okay,” Alec says and lets it go. He can hardly keep his eyes open anymore, so he just buries his face in Magnus’s pillow and falls asleep in a second, overly aware of the way Magnus is fisting the back of his shirt.

 

Next morning Alec is the first one to stomp down the stairs to get breakfast, or rather to get away from Magnus. He tells himself he’s not upset, because Magnus had every right to do what he did, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Alec feels betrayed, like he’s the only one being open and honest, only to be met by a wall of excuses.

Jace is already busying himself in the kitchen, probably making coffee since it’s the only thing he can cook without fucking it up. He and Magnus have never excelled in the kitchen. “What crawled up your ass this morning?”

Anger makes Alec’s tongue loose. “Magnus put back his file while I was sleeping.”

“And?”

“And he said we would read it together,” Alec says. He knows he sounds like a moaning child, but he doesn’t care. “I don’t know why he’s so secretive about everything. It’s like-“

Jace laughs. “Are you really upset because of a stupid file?”

“It’s not about the file,” Alec explodes. “It’s about… I don’t know, everything. I shared mine with him. I let him see… It’s just…”

“You let him read your file, so what? You can’t always expect people to act like you would. Magnus is his own person, you know, he’s got his own reasons for doing things.” Jace swears when the coffee starts to boil. “It must be even harder for him to look at those pictures because he loved his parents in a way we didn’t love ours. I don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t listen to me.”

Alec frowns. “I didn’t know you were so…”

“Deep? Amazing with words? A genius when it comes to human relationships?”

“Talkative,” Alec says. “That’s the word I was looking for.”

“You should take your pills,” Jace says, pointing at the clock on the wall. “Or else you’ll revert back to zombie Alec.”

Alec blushes. “I- what? I’m not taking-“

Jace rolls his eyes. “I walked in on you taking them the other day, it’s fine.”

“Wait,” Alec grabs him by the elbow when Jace walks past him. He seems surprised that Alec is touching him, but he doesn’t comment on it. “Would you let Clary see your file?”

Jace blinks at him. “Of course not. We just got back together.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Why are you asking anyways?” Jace retorts. Alec sometimes forgets they aren’t friends or even close. “Do you want to read it?”

“Would you let me?”

Even though Jace looks sleepy with his bed hair and pajama bottoms he gives Alec a smirk that makes his face look determined. “Yeah, obviously.”

Alec stands there baffled by his answer. Jace doesn’t look like he’s joking. “Why me and not Clary then?”

“Because,” Jace says like he’s talking about the weather, “I don’t care what you think of me.”

Alec knows vulnerability when he sees it. Instead of pointing it out, he says quietly, “Clary wouldn’t think of you differently, you know.”

Jace shrugs. “Why risk it?” He then moves towards the door but stops before entering the hallway. He looks back at Alec, his face twisted to portray complete annoyance. “Are you coming or what?”

Who knew talking to Jace could be so complicated? “Going where?”

“Upstairs. To read my file.”

“Wait- you were being serious?” Alec follows him before getting a reply. He doesn’t want to look desperate, but this isn’t something that happens every day. He also tries not to trip. “It’s almost eleven o’clock, I thought you had already put them all back.”

“Magnus put his back, remember? Mine’s the only one left.” Jace closes the door of his room after Alec. This time there aren’t any of Clary’s clothes to be seen. The only splash of color comes from Jace’s blue duvet. He lifts up his mattress and takes out his file from its hiding spot. Alec doesn’t know why he was hiding it. It’s not like Robert and Maryse ever go into his room. “Read away.”

“Aren’t you going to give it back?”

Jace smiles. “Why would I? It’s mine to begin with.”

There aren’t any happy pictures in there. In fact, his file looks a lot like Alec’s. He isn’t smiling in any of the photos, not like Magnus was, and he’s covered in bruised in all of them. Alec gets why Jace doesn’t want Clary to see him like that. He doesn’t want to read the hundreds of notes, the medical records, the hospital slips. He hands it back to Jace after only holding it for five minutes.

“Is that your dad?” Alec asks before he can stop himself.

Jace doesn’t seem to mind the question. He already knows what picture Alec is talking about without having to look for it. “Yes.”

“Uh, you have the same eyes. Nice eyes,” Alec adds quickly. “Yeah.”

“Are you happy now, kid?” Jace rolls his eyes at him. “You wanted to read a file and you did. Now please stop complaining and go make up with Magnus.”

“I wanted to read Magnus’s file-“

“God, do you ever shut up? You can’t always get what you want.”

Alec is just now starting to understand what Magnus said about Jace being nice when given the chance to be so. He’s got a sharp sense of humor and he’s quick on the trigger, too. Maybe Clary sees more of him than any of them ever have. It’s hard to tell when Jace puts on this façade.

“It sucks you had to go through that,” Alec says because he hates it when people apologize for things that aren’t their fault. Jace looks guarded. “But, um. I’m glad you didn’t let it turn you into a Jordan.”

Instead of making a sarcastic comment Jace stays silent for a while. He then says, “I’m glad you haven’t killed yourself so far. You know, for Magnus’s sake. And Izzy’s. And, _alright_ , everyone’s.”

Alec pulls away like he’s been burned. “How do you even know-“

“They all love you too much. I guess it’s hard to see someone you love struggling like that, so it’s easy to overlook some things. I just put two and two together, it doesn’t take a genius.”

“Thanks?”

Jace’s smile is dazzling. “You’re welcome.”

 

It’s three in the morning again. This time, they aren’t in the cellar surrounded by everyone else, but outside next to the shed. They are arguing over whether or not they should rebuild their tree house, which isn’t really a tree house, but whatever. Alec decides he likes arguing with Magnus from time to time. It’s healthy.

“What if Robert and Maryse take in more kids, huh? We could… I don’t know, maybe build them a real tree house they could play in.”

“Honey, are you even listening to yourself?” Magnus’s body shakes with laughter. He’s leaning against the tree and he looks impossibly beautiful under the starry sky. They’re both standing way closer than they normally would when they are out where anyone can see them, but Alec still presses himself even closer to Magnus, who lets out a surprised hum when their chests brush. “We don’t know shit about construction.”

“We could ask Jace for help,” Alec says. “He’d say yes if you asked him.”

Magnus places his hands on the sides of Alec’s waist, his favorite place to touch after all this time. “I don’t know how I feel about you and Jace being so friendly with each other.”

“You aren’t jealous, are you?” Alec smiles a teasing smile. “You’re still my favorite.”

“I better be,” Magnus says, but he too is smiling. “I was kidding, though. I’m glad you and Jace are getting along. He can be a bit too much sometimes, but he honestly cares about you.”

“I don’t wanna talk about Jace anymore, okay?” Alec says. It comes off strange.

There’s something different tonight, something Alec can’t name yet. He’s felt it since they got there and it’s starting to annoy him. Even though there isn’t much space left between them Alec presses himself closer to Magnus again, this time so that there isn’t any part of his body that isn’t touching Magnus’s.

Magnus doesn’t say anything about it. They’ve always been touchy with each other, but never quite like this. Alec can feel the rise and fall of Magnus’s chest against his, can hear Magnus’s pulse beating against his skin if he presses his ear to Magnus’s neck, can feel Magnus cold breath against his cheek.

It’s cold outside, yet Alec doesn’t feel cold at all. On the contrary, he feels rather warm. It could be the fact that Magnus is like a walking a sun, his skin always hot enough to mock a fever, but this warmth seems to come from inside of him.

Alec listens to Magnus’s breathing as he tries to locate where the warmth is coming from and why it is there in the first place. Magnus places his hand on Alec’s lower back without seeming to notice the effect it has on him. When Magnus’s fingers brush against the back of his thin t-shirt Alec knows he’s fucked.

Heat pools in the base of his belly, or even lower than that. It’s not like anything Alec’s ever felt before, but it doesn’t feel bad. Goosebumps start to form on his skin, which is strange since he feels like he’s being cooked alive.

When he comes back down to Earth he realizes Magnus has been talking to him this whole time, still is. Alec doesn’t stop long enough to hear what he’s saying, if it has to do anything with the tree house or Jace, and he presses his lips against Magnus effectively shutting him up. He seems a bit surprised at first by Alec’s eagerness, but he goes along with it.

Magnus is usually the one asking for permission to deepen the kiss, yet this time Alec is already opening his mouth hungrily. There’s no other word for what he’s feeling except for hunger. Alec is more than happy when they change positions so that he’s the one with his back against the tree instead of Magnus.

Of all the kisses they have shared before this is by far Alec’s favorite. There’s a tingle all over his body, especially where Magnus is touching him, and he can’t do anything but kiss him back as hard as he can.

They break the kiss for a second, just long enough to breathe, and then they’re back at it again.

It’s only out of pure instinct that Alec thrusts his hips towards Magnus’s, who then lets out a low moan against Alec’s mouth. That seems to be what wakes Alec up and rattles him to the core.

He pulls away as if he’s been burned, although he can’t get really far with the tree against his back. It’s really dark, something Alec is more than grateful for, so there is no way Magnus can see how hard he is right now, but he must have felt Alec’s cock digging into his thigh while they were making out, long before Alec even knew about it.

Now all the warmth he felt is gone, replaced by sharp and cold shame. Alec doesn’t know how he’s going to look Magnus in the eye after this. How could he lose control like that? He stands still, waiting for the disgust and self-loathing to come, but they never do.

Instead, he feels Magnus warm hand against his cold cheek. There’s an urge to pull away, to run back inside, to disappear, yet Alec ignores it and stays put.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus is saying. Alec doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for. “Are you alright?”

“What on Earth are you sorry for?” Alec asks, surprisingly his voice doesn’t shake. “I’m sorry. I’m the one who got all… worked up…”

“Alexander, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit worked up myself,” Magnus says. He sounds like he’s smiling, almost like this whole thing is a joking matter. “I should have stopped, I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

“What do you mean you should have stopped?”

“We obviously aren’t there yet. And that’s fine,” Magnus adds quickly. “We don’t ever have to be, you know.”

Alec feels his throat closing up. “Oh. So you don’t want to…?”

Magnus’s reply is unsure. “I don’t want anything you don’t want. Besides, it’s a bit trashy to do anything out here, wouldn’t you agree?”

Alec can’t say he would. After all, he doesn’t know what difference it makes where they are. He repeats tentatively, “trashy?”

“Well, yes. I don’t want your first time to be against a tree in the backyard.”

The words leave him feeling even more confused. Alec frowns, says, “I… it’s not my first time.”

Magnus gives him a sad little smile. “It kind of is, love.”

“It’s not,” Alec struggles to say. “I’ve had lots of sex before-”

“That wasn’t sex,” Magnus interrupts him softly. “That was rape. Sex is something that happens between two willing partners, alright? You weren’t willing.”

Again, Alec doesn’t know what to say. “I still don’t understand why the location matters so much.”

“Because it should be something special!” Magnus exclaims, like he’s stating the obvious. “At least I’d like to make it special for you.”

Alec’s heart feels too full. There’s still a little bit of shame left in there, but it’s so easy to ignore it when Magnus is looking at him like that. Alec knows this is crossing the line, but he has to ask anyways. “Was your first time special?”

Magnus doesn’t answer right away. “Not really,” he says, trying to shrug it off, but Alec sees right through him. “It wasn’t terrible, just not what I was expecting.”

Alec bites his lip and then stops before Magnus can chide him. “Was it with Camille?”

They haven’t talked about Camille in a long time, not since Alec tried to bring her up and Magnus had completely shut down. It was true was he had said back then, and it’s still true now, Alec hates her for hurting Magnus. Sometimes he hates her even more than the people who’ve hurt him when he was a kid, especially when he learns new things about their relationship.

“Yes,” Magnus says easily. “It doesn’t matter anyways.”

“Um, why wasn’t it? Special, I mean.”

They aren’t touching anymore and Magnus must be cold because he crosses his arms over his chest before answering. “It just wasn’t. We barely knew each other and she was way more experienced than I was.”

Alec doesn’t bring up the age issue again. “She sounds like a bitch.”

Magnus laughs and kisses him chastely on the lips. “That’s because she is a bitch.”

“I…” Alec starts but then stops himself. “It felt good. Weird but good.”

“What did love?”

“Kissing you like that,” he says, grateful again that it’s dark and Magnus can’t see his red cheeks. “I didn’t know it was supposed to feel that good.” Alec waits, but Magnus doesn’t seem to want to add anything, so he goes on. “We could… I mean, if you want, we could pretend it’s the first time for both of us. I… I don’t know when, like… It’s going to take me a while but. Um, I’d like it to be special for you too.”

Magnus kisses him again, just as sweetly. “I don’t know if I’ve told you this before, but I really love you.”

“You’ve only told me a million times, maybe.”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I mean it.”

Alec can’t help but laugh at him. “Does that mean you’ll help me rebuild the tree house?”

“I already told you, Alexander, I don’t know how to build anything.”

“But you could ask Jace, remember?” Alec pouts. “Pretty please?”

Magnus pulls him closer, not as close as they were before, but close enough to kiss him without having to lean forward too much. “Why don’t you ask him, now that you’re his new best friend?”

“You’re his best friend, Mags.”

Their foreheads are touching. Magnus says, “You’re my best friend.”

“I’m not your best friend, you idiot,” Alec smacks him softly in the arm. “I’m your boyfriend.There’s a difference.”

“You know what I was thinking about, boyfriend?” Magnus asks him suddenly. “We haven’t practiced our dance moves for prom.”

Alec blinks at him. “We’re not going to dance at prom, are we?”

“Alexander, why on Earth wouldn’t we dance?”

“Well,” Alec pretends to think about it for a second. “Because one, I don’t know how to. And two, I didn’t think you liked dancing that much.”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Now, give me your hand,” Magnus instructs in a low voice. It’s really late, probably four or so in the morning and neither of them want to wake up the neighbors with their shouting. “Okay. My hand goes on your waist, like this.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m teaching you how to dance, Alec. You should show some respect, I’ve been told I’m a great teacher.” Magnus smiles when everything seems to be in place. “Let’s begin.”

“You’re not serious, are you?” Alec laughs. “This is so trashy.”

“You’re trash,” Magnus replies, sticking out his tongue at Alec. They move swiftly from side to side, even though after only a couple of seconds Alec is laughing way too hard and tripping over his own feet. Even Magnus is having a hard time keeping it together. “Okay, you were right. This is trashy.”

Alec looks up to the sky and laughs. Everything seems completely ridiculous. It’s four in the morning and they’re dancing around in the backyard with no music playing except for the song Magnus is humming under his breath. It could be a side effect of his meds, but for the first time in his life Alec is glad he is where he is, doing what he is doing. And he’s glad Magnus is right there by his side, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	19. NINETEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

 

NINETEEN

 

Simon isn’t home. That’s Alec’s first thought when he goes inside the house. Then he remembers Izzy told him Simon was going away to something comic related. She called it a convention, but Alec can’t be bothered to remember the name. When Alec passes by their library he notices some of Simon’s comic books and magazines are gone, and he figures he must have taken them with him. Alec also sees a maternity book and quickly averts his eyes.

Izzy has been talking the whole time he’s been there, which hasn’t been a lot, and she’s now gesturing about this and that with her hands. Alec smiles at her and nods a lot but isn’t really paying attention to anything she’s saying. He needs to tell Hodge about this, too. Ever since he started taking pills it feels like his ears are constantly stuffed with cotton, like everyone is talking too fast and too slow at the same time.

“I’m not going to lie, I was a bit surprised when you asked about the photographs,” Izzy babbles on, “Since, you know, you’d never asked to see them before.”

“They’re not for me,” Alec says carefully. He follows Izzy to her desk, watches as she opens a draw and pulls a little box out. For a second, he’s tempted to ask her to put them back in, because he doesn’t want to see them anymore. “I want to show them to Magnus. He said he’d like to see some of my baby photos.”

“Oh,” Izzy says. She seems disappointed by Alec’s answer. “You can take them back to the Institute then, I don’t mind. Just don’t lose them.”

When Alec picks the box up it feels heavy in his hand. “Is there anything in here besides the photos?”

“Your green mittens,” Izzy starts. She slows down then, like she’s trying to remember something. “I honestly don’t know. I haven’t opened it in years.”

Alec has a lot of questions for her, things he’s always wanted to ask and never had the courage to. He doesn’t voice any of them. It feels stupid, this distance that he keeps putting between them, especially because Alec knows Isabelle is the only person who’s ever going to love him as much as he loves her, but he can’t bring himself to close the gap. She makes him feel uncomfortable. She knows too much, has seen too much, has been around for too long. Izzy loves him, Alec knows she does, but it’s hard to accept that love when he feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

If Maryse and Robert hadn’t taken them in, then things would have turned out completely different. If they had only taken Izzy in Alec wouldn’t have protested against it. He would have gone back to _them_ , willingly. Maybe Izzy could have grown up away from all the memories without having to look at Alec’s face every day of her life, a constant reminder that it had all been real and that it was still hauntingly close. He still feels guilty for taking that chance away from her.

“Alec, are you listening to me?”

“Yes,” Alec lies as quick as his tongue lets him. “Of course I am.”

“Then why aren’t you answering?” Izzy laughs. “It wasn’t even a hard question.”

“Sorry, can you repeat it?”

“I asked you how are things going with Magnus. Have you told him?”

“Yeah, I have.”

Izzy’s mouth hangs open. She had been expecting a no for an answer. “Really? You’re not just saying that, are you? To get me off your back.”

Focusing is hard work. “I told him, we talked about it. It’s okay, I guess.”

“My God, Alec, you really suck at talking. Give me the details,” she shrieks.”Was he a dick about it? You tell me and I’ll go over to the Institute and chop off his balls.”

There’s no doubt in Alec’s mind that she would do that and more. “No, he took it well. Better than I expected.”

“Well, what were you expecting?”

“I thought he’d beak things off,” Alec shrugs. He thinks about Magnus’s face that night, how sad he had been for Alec. “I thought… Part of me was scared he wouldn’t, you know, believe me or something.”

“Do you realize this is the first time we’ve talked about it?” Izzy asks gently. “I know it’s hard for you, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard, but I’m always here for you. And I’ll be here for you when you decide to tell our parents.”

Robert and Maryse. “You sound like Magnus,” Alec tries to joke. It falls a little flat. “He said I should tell them, too.”

Izzy  has a hard time saying it, but eventually she mumbles, “He’s right.”

“Thanks for this,” Alec says, looking at the box. He doesn’t feel like being lectured about what he should do. It’s easier this way, with only Izzy and Magnus knowing. Why drag Robert and Maryse into this mess? “Do you want to come over for dinner? I think it's pizza night."

"Nah, I'm good," she says easily. "I'm kind of sick of pizza to be honest."

Alec understands the feeling. He nods, "okay. Tell Simon I said hi."

"Wait," Izzy blurts out. She's trying her best not to sound desperate. "Maybe you could come by for lunch tomorrow? Simon said he'd be back in the morning."

Alec raises an eyebrow at her. "Um, sure. What's the special occasion?"

"I'm your sister, you tit. And you never come visit me. I want to see your face more often, that's all."

"You never visit me either," Alec points out without thinking. When he sees the way Izzy's smile falters he's quick to add, "Which is fine. I mean, we're both busy. It's okay."

Izzy's smile stays gone. She says, "I never know how to... approach you. That's why I don't go the Institute more often. I never thought you..."

"It's fine," Alec reassures her. "You have your life now. I have mine."

Alec doesn't mention how much it had bothered him when she moved out with Simon. He doesn't want to make her feel guilty for something that isn't her fault. What matters is that she's safe, she's happy, and she has her own home now. Whether or not that home includes Alec shouldn't be an issue.

"Are you okay, though?" Izzy asks. She's looking at him straight in the eyes, her black hair framing her face perfectly. Alec likes it better when it's in a braid. "Because it was easier before to know if you weren't alright. Now... now I don't know how much of it you're faking and how much of it is actually real."

She doesn't know about the pills. She only knows that he sees Hodge once a week because Maryse told her. Alec feels guilty then, because he realizes he's still keeping secrets from the people he loves. Izzy deserves more than what he's been giving her lately. Her comment makes his stomach clench. _You never come visit me._ She never had a brother to begin with, because Alec's always been a shadow of himself, even after they got out and away, even now. He ought to try harder, for her. She deserves a brother she can rely on, not just a kid to look after. Alec needs to try and be a whole person. He owes her that much.

"I'm better now," Alec says slowly. He doesn't want to scare her off. "I've been, you know, taking some pills."

Izzy's eyes widen and then harden. She grabs him by the arm, hard enough to leave a bruise. "What the hell are you taking? Alec... I can't believe you'd rather buy some pills from a stranger than ask for help-"

"No," Alec shakes his head, laughing. "It's not like that. I'm not doing drugs. I mean, I _am,_ but not like that. Hodge prescribed them to me."

Izzy lets out of his arm. She looks embarrassed. "Oh."

"I..." Alec considers not telling her about it, but he's so sick of keeping secrets. He feels like he's hoarded all this useles stuff inside of him and he can't be bothered to keep any of it anymore. "I got some sleeping pills from Kyle a couple of months ago. But I never got to take any because Magnus found out and threw them away. I'd never... drugs aren't an option for me, you know that."

Of course she knows that and more. Drugs have always been off the table, for both of them, since they were kids and saw what drugs made to people. Alec can remember exactly how sore he'd be after a poker night when drugs where involved. He doesn't want anything to do with them.

"Sleeping pills?" Izzy asks him worriedly. "Were you having trouble sleeping?"

Alec just shrugs and tries not to look at the tiny box in his hands when he speaks next. "Nightmares. It's better now, don't worry."

She worries anyways, but seems more interested in what Alec's been taking. "What did Hodge give you?"

"Zoloft."

"To help you sleep?" She frowns. "Those aren't sleeping pills."

Alec kind of wants to bite his lip, but he doesn't. Magnus would be very proud of him. "I've got depression, kind of. And PTSD. It means Post Trauma-"

"-tic Stress Disorder," Izzy finishes for him. "I know what it is. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know," Alec says because it's the truth. He's used to keeping things to himself. "Sorry."

Izzy looks away from him, like she can't bare to look at Alec anymore. Her voice cracks when she says, "I should have told them the truth. They would have gotten you help sooner and you wouldn't be-"

"So fucked up?" Alec laughs. It's not bitter, just tired. "Even if I had started going to therapy right away... I'd still be fucked up in the head, Izzy. It's not... it's never going to go away, no matter what pills I'm on."

"I should have said something," she repeats, completely ignoring Alec's statement.  "I thought I was keeping you safe, but I wasn't. I fucked up and I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Alec says, awkwardly trying to be comforting. "I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want... It would have gone to trial," he struggles to say, "and I would have lost."

Izzy stands in front of him, bewildered. "You wouldn't have lost the trial, Alec. Any judge would have taken one look at you, at the state you were in, and would have put them on death row."

"That's not what I want," he says suddenly. He's not thinking about what he's saying. The words seem to come out without a filter. "I've never wished they were dead."

Izzy stalls at that. "What?"

"I wanted them to go to jail, not die," Alec explains after his head has cleared a bit. Izzy is still looking at him like she doesn't understand a single word that has come out of his mouth. "They're still out there, probably. I... what if... what if they're hurting other kids?"

The thought had never crossed his mind before, maybe because he was so used to blocking it all out and never allowing himself to think about it. If he had pressed charges maybe they wouldn't have gone to jail, but everyone around them would have been warned. Instead Alec had given them a free pass to do whatever they wanted to other kids. He was going to throw up.

"Alec," Izzy pushes his hair out of his face. Her eyes are shining with guilt. "They're not... they aren't out there. And they haven't been for a while."

He's still struggling to breathe. "What?"

"I remember their names and I've kept track on them, from a distance. They're not out there anymore, they aren't hurting anyone."

"What?" Alec repeats stupidly.

Izzy doesn't snap at him. Her voices is barely above a whisper. "The readhead got cancer a couple of years back, he's dead. Two of them are in jail for a hit and run. They're in for life."

Alec doesn't want to ask but his mouth betrays him. "What about..."

Izzy knows who he's talking about. Neither of them say his name out loud. "He's in jail, too."

"What for?"

Izzy shits uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "He tried to hurt someone and he got caught."

Alec's hands are clammy with sweat. He's clutching the box like a railing. "Someone? You mean a kid?"

Izzy nods. "He had moved to a small town so it was in the local news for a while. That's how I found out."

Alec has been stunned into silence. He thinks of all the nights he had bolted awake in the dark, swearing he could hear their laughter, their footsteps, their moans. He thinks of all the nights and days he spent as a kid, terrified they were going to turn up at the Institute to take him away. Alec feels surprisingly empty. He'd have thought that hearing all that would somehow give him the closure he so desperately needed, but there was nothing.

There's only a mild relief at the knowledge that they aren't hurting anyone else like they hurt him. He can breathe easier if he focuses on that. There are no kids waking up scared of them anywhere, no bedwetting, no nightmares, no aftermath. There's no one but him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alec demands to know. He's not sure when his voice turned into a shout. "All these years... didn't you think I deserved to know?"

Izzy isn't scared of his yelling. "I didn't want to stir things up. I didn't know how much you remembered... I just didn't want to make things harder for you."

"Do you even know..." Alec starts but stops himself. She doesn't know, that's the thing. Alec's never told her about his nightmares, at least not what they were about. Izzy had no way of knowing every hiding spot he had ever claimed as his was because of this, in case they came back and he had to hide from them. Izzy had no way of knowing anything because Alec never told her. He's kept too many secrets over the years and now he's paying the price. "Okay," he ends up saying. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Alec you're allowed to be angry with me. You should be. I kept this from you all this time and..."

Alec stops her. "I've kept plenty from you over the years too. It's fine. I'm not... I'm not upset with you."

"You do look upset," she points out. Her hand is warm when she intertwines their fingers.

"I'm upset with myself," Alec replies, not looking at her while he does. "I suck at communicating."

"I'm still sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Izzy squeezes his hand. "And I'm sorry I never told Robert and Maryse the truth."

"It's not your truth to tell, you know," Alec protests. His phone buzzes in his pocket. "That's probably Magnus wondering where I am."

Izzy smiles as they both walk to the front door. "You should bring Magnus for lunch tomorrow. I promise to behave."

"I'll... think about it," Alec says, fumbling with his phone and the box and the elephant in the room. He can't just walk out of this conversation like that. "I'm going to tell them, you know. Just not now."

"It's your call," Izzy says trying to shrug it off, but Alec saw the way her eyes lit up at his confession. "And next time you have a problem don't call Kyle, you idiot. You have me."

And Magnus, Alec adds in his head. He also has Magnus.

"So, lunch. Should I bring anything?"

Izzy walks up to him and hugs him tight enough to strangle him. He can feel her lips against his ear, like she's telling him a secret. "I wanted them all dead," she whispers fiercely. "Every night before I went to sleep I prayed they would all die."

Alec freezes at her words. "I..."

She pulls away and gives him the brightest smile Alec's ever seen on her. "Just bring Magnus, will you?"

Alec has a hard time carrying both his phone and the box in his hands so he stuffs them both in his backpack after sending Magnus a text to let him know he's on his way. He steps outside of Izzy's house feeling like he's just been told that the boogeyman isn't real and doesn't care if Alec doesn't eat his veggies at dinner. It's strange walking around without glancing back every once in a while to make sure there are no bad wolves following him. He's not sure what he's supposed to do with this knowledge.

His brain keeps munching on this new information the whole walk back to the Institute. Alec's been trying to distract himself by singing dumn songs in his head but it hasn't worked so far. What really works as a distraction is Jordan's car parked two blocks from the Institute.

Alec walks past it like he's waiting for Jordan to come out and say something to him, but Jordan isn't there, which isn't exactly reassuring. If he's not there then there's only one place he could be.

Maia hasn't been acting strange lately. Maybe she's gotten better at faking it, although Alec is sure she was starting to see how fucked up Jordan is. Maybe he still thinks she's dead. Maybe he knows she isn't and has come back to actually kill her this time. All the options suck.

Alec makes it down another block before he sees Jordan perched up against a tree, just watching people walk past him with his creepy black eyes. He looks like a stalking wolf, ready to pounce at any second. Jordan isn't people-watching, he's Maia-watching. Still, Alec doesn't want Jordan to see him, so he puts his hoodie over his head and looks at the floor as he walks past him.

He's five meters away from the front door, almost celebrating this small victory, when Jordan grabs him by his backpack and turns Alec around to face him.

Jordan looks exactly the same as Alec remembers him. Angry and awful, both at the same time. He's standing so close to him they're almost touching. "Lightwood," he says.

Alec isn't scared of him anymore, at least not like he used to be, but he knows Maia is. There's a lot at stake. If Jordan doesn't know Magnus lied to him yet then Alec plans on keeping it that way.

"Hi Jordan," Alec says, playing dumb. "What can I do for you?"

His mouth twitches and the scar he has above his upper lip stretches wider. "I want to know where you buried her. There was no obituary in the papers, I looked for it."

Well, Jordan has certainly kept himself busy. "We cremated her," Alec improvises. He hopes he sounds convincing. "She's in a jar in the living room. If you let me go inside I can grab it and bring it to you."

Jordan gives him a little shove, probably to scare him into spilling the truth. "I'm not a fucking idiot, you're going to call the cops on me the minute I let you go."

Alec wishes he had left Izzy's house earlier so it wouldn't be as dark out here as it is now. There's not a lot of people walking around at this time of the night. They're all having dinner, most likely, while he's stuck out here with Jordan.

"So, what do you want to do then? Stay out here all night?"

"I want to..." Jordan says, like he himself isn't sure of what he's doing, "I want to see her."

Alec frowns at this. "She's _dead_. You can't see her anymore, you know. That's kinda what being dead is."

"Don't get smart on me fag," Jordan snaps. The word doesn't sting too much. Alec's used to it by now. "I want to make sure she's dead. I want to see her fucking ashes and I want to do it right now."

"Okay. Just to be clear you want to come inside with me to take a look at Maia's ashes." Alec snorts when Jordan nods his head. "Robert and Maryse will call the cops the second you step inside."

"They aren't home," Jordan replies with a smile. "I've been here for a while. They left over an hour ago and still haven't come back."

Alec's starting to freak out now. "There's Jace-"

Jordan rolls his eyes, "fuck Jace, I can handle him just fine," he says.

Alec can hear the beating of his heart in his own ears. He can't let Jordan into the Institute. It's not just about Maia anymore. There's Jace and Magnus to worry about, too. Maybe Jordan is carrying a gun. Alec can't let him in.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did," Jordan says, but he looks at Alec with curious eyes.

Alec can't lie to save his life. He has to come up with something to keep Jordan entertained. When he's about to speak his phone goes off in his backpack, but Alec ignores it. "Do you miss her?"

Jordan looks at him like Alec's grown a third head. "What?"

"I mean... do you miss her? Is that, um, why you're here?"

"How is that any of your business, kid?" Jordan snaps at him. Alec has to be careful not to make him angry. "Let's go inside, it's freezing out here."

"Wait," Alec blurts out. "I..."

"If you open the door right now I might not kill you," Jordan says easily, "it's up to you."

But Alec doesn't have to do anything because before he can come up with any excuses Magnus is stepping outside of the Institute. He stops when he sees them, his face turning into a scowl when he notices Jordan standing so close to Alec.

"What do you want Jordan?" Magnus asks warily. "I thought we had an agreement."

"I'm just talking to Alec, that's all," Jordan shrugs. "I was in the neighbourhood and I thought I'd drop by to say hi."

Magnus rolls his eyes at him. "Mission accomplished then, why don't you get going?"

"Alec was going to show me something inside, weren't you kid?" Jordan prompts him.

Alec shoots Magnus a pleading look. He says, "Not really."

"You should leave before I call the cops. Or worse, Jace. He'll make you wish I had called them instead," Magnus tells Jordan, who doesn't even look remotely scared. "I mean it, get going."

Jordan puts his hands up, "Okay man. Alec," he says, turning to face him again, "why don't you walk me to my car so we can finish this lovely conversation?"

Magnus speaks up for him. "Alec's fine here. You can walk on your own, you're a big boy after all."

Alec decides he is a bit scared of Jordan after all, so he starts to move away from him, walking towards Magnus. He doesn't make it too far before Jordan is grabbing him by the arm to hold him in place.

"Don't fucking touch him," Magnus says before Alec has a chance to react. "I mean it, Jordan. Get out of here."

Jordan's grip on Alec tightens. " _Don't fucking touch him,"_ he mimics. "What is he, your boyfriend? Is Alec Lightwood a faggot too?"

Alec sees it coming, Jordan doesn't. He lets out a surprised yelp when Magnus's fist connects with his jaw, making him lose balance and let go of Alec's arm.

Jordan recovers quickly and throws himself at Magnus. Alec stands there, frozen, watching them. He's never seen Magnus fight before, he didn't even think Magnus had it in him. Jordan, on the other hand, has been hitting people since he was old enough to stand on his own.

Alec considers screaming, then remembers Maia is probably inside and if she hears anything she'll come out here and that can't happen. He considers grabbing the heaviest rock he can find and hitting Jordan with it, but there aren't any rocks laying around. He settles for trying to break them apart.

"I'm going to call the cops if you don't leave right now Jordan," Alec says shakily once he's fished his phone out of his bag. He waves it at them. "Go _away._ "

Jordan delivers one last blow, which Magnus takes without blinking, and walks away. His face is starting to puff up and Alec is kind of glad Magnua gave him a black eye. He deserves it.

"Let's go inside," Magnus says, already opening the door and touching his face with his hand. He winces when his fingers come away red. "Alec..."

Alec can't see him like this. He drags Magnus to the downstairs bathroom and locks the door behind them. He knows Maryse keeps a first aid kid around somewhere, he just has to find it. In the meantime he makes Magnus sit on the edge of the bathtub. The image in front of him sends shivers down Alec’s spine. He remembers sitting on the edge of his bathtub while Izzy put band aids all over him.

"I went out to look for you," Magnus says, trying to meet Alec's eyes. "You weren't answering your phone and I thought-"

Alec dabs the gauze in alcohol. He uses it to wipe away the blood on Magnus's chin. "Why did you hit him?"

A confused look spreads over Magnus’s face. “Did you hear what he said?”

“He’s said worse things to me before,” Alec points out. Magnus hisses when Alec presses too hard on his cheek. “It was stupid. You shouldn’t have hit him.”

“Are you angry at me because I stood up for you?” Magnus asks in complete disbelief.

Alec can see the tenderness around Magnus’s cheek and it makes him feel nauseous. The feeling only gets worse when he thinks of all the times Izzy had to do this for him. He wonders if she felt as angry as Alec is feeling right now. He’s not upset, just annoyed. If Magnus had hit any other person on Earth then Alec would feel flattered that he stood up for him, but this is Jordan. Jordan’s not like other people. He fights dirty, he cheats, he’s a terrible loser. Alec’s annoyed because now he has to look out for another monster, just when he thought things were finally settling down between him and the universe.

“Just don’t do it again, okay?” Alec says on the edge of begging. “Jordan’s a pshyco.”

“What was he doing here anyways?”

“I can get you some ice for your lip if you want.

“Alec.”

“He was here to see Maia,” Alec says helping Magnus stand up. “He still thinks she’s dead, so I told him we have her ashes in the living room.”

Magnus howls with laughter. For a second Alec can see past his split lip and bruised face. “I spent all these years thinking you were a terrible liar, but look at you now!”

Alec doesn’t laugh. He presses his fingertip against the corner of Magnus’s mouth. “Do you remember when Jordan hit you with a rock when we were kids?”

“Yes,” Magnus smiles. The reaction shocks Alec. “What? I have a really good memory.”

“No, it’s not that. I guess I always thought you… I mean,” Alec blushes furiously. He hates it when he stutters. “It was the first time I ever saw you cry. I kind of thought you-“

Magnus shakes his head. “I wasn’t crying because I was in pain,” he says. “Well, maybe I was in a bit of pain, but you get what I’m saying.”

“Then why were you crying?”

“I was embarrassed,” Magnus says sheepishly. Alec’s never seen him like this before. He sounds more like Alec than Magnus.

“Embarrassed of what?”

Magnus sighs. “You’re really going to make me say it out loud?”

Alec tries not to stare too much at Magnus's lip, which is now starting to swell. "Sorry?"

"I was embarrassed because you were right there when he hit me," Magnus laughs. Alec envies him so much. He always seems to look at the past with a smile on his face and no bitterness in his eyes. Alec wants Magnus to teach him how to do that. "I didn't want to look like an idiot in front of you and Jordan kind of ruined that."

"I would never think badly of you for not hitting him back, Mags, I-"

"I know that," Magnus says gently. "But part of me wanted to impress you. I guess you already had me smitten back then."

Alec blushes. "If it makes you feel any better I've always liked that you don't get into fights."

"Oh? And what else do you like, Alexander?"

Magnus smiles at him, as bright as the sun, and Alec can't help but smile back. They stand like that in the bathroom just smiling stupidly at each other before Alec breaks out into laughter.

"C'mon, let's put some ice on your face before it's too late." Alec takes Magnus's hand, not even checking to see who might be watching, and leads him out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. He's rummaging through the freezer when Magnus speaks up.

"Aren't you going to ask where everyone is?"

Alec finds the cold ice pad and takes it out. "Uh, where's everyone?"

"They went out to Taki's," Magnis says, faking hurt. "I bet they're eating those springrolls I keep telling you about."

"Well, why didn't you go with them?" Alec hands him the ice and makes sure to guide his hand so he's applying it to the right side of his face.

"Because I was going to have dinner with you, remember? It's pizza night," Magnus says like he's stating the obvious.

That makes Alec's heart ache with fondness. Magnus didn't even think of texting Alec and telling him he was going with everyone else to Taki's. Magnus waited here for him, even though he really wanted to go, just because he and Alec had agreed they would eat pizza for dinner. Being someone else's priority feels strange. Good, but strange.

"That's uh, thanks," Alec says awkwardly. He can't put into words exactly how glad he is Magnus is in his life. "You shouldn't apply ice for more than ten minutes at a time or your face will swell up."

Magnus eyes him suspiciously. "How do you know so much about ice?"

"I don't," Alec replies. He gives Magnus a tentative smile. It comes off weird. "I know a lot about beatings, though."

Magnus reaches out for him, so Alec steps closer. He doesn't mind talking about this stuff with Magnus anymore. The worst part is over. That's what he tells himself. Magnus knows the worst part and hasn't run away yet, so there's a small chance he won't run away later on either.

Alec blushes furiously but still leans in and presses a kiss to Magnus's cold cheek. Magnus seems delighted by this and mirrors his action, but Alec moves his head a bit so their mouths connect.

Magnus smiles against the kiss. It's not a happy smile but it's there. "Isn't it great to think that no one will ever do that again to you? I mean, you have _at least_ fifty years left that will be beating _less._ "

"I don't think that's a word," Alec smiles back. He then looks at the clock on the kitchen wall and realizes he has to take his pills. He suddenly feels ashamed, not because he has to take pills, but because he hasn't told Magnus about it. "Mags?"

Magnus has moved away a bit. He's fiddling with his phone, probably trying to order the pizza. He looks up at Alec. "What is it love?"

Alec goes over to the counter and takes out his pills from their hiding spot behind one of Maryse's old teacups. The bottle is orange with a white cap, which usually makes Alec feel like he's a drug addict in a Hollywood movie. Right now it just adds to his anxiety.

He hands them over to Magnus for him to see. "Hodge prescribed them to me," he says, not wanting Magnus to get the impression he's buying drugs from Kyle again. "I've been taking them for a little while."

"Oh," is all Magnus says.

He's still reading the tag when Alec speaks again. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

"Why didn't you?" Magnus asks curiously. He doesn't sound upset.

"I... I wanted to see it they worked before I started telling people about it. Sorry."

Magnus frowns. He says, "are these the reason you've been sleeping so much lately?"

Alec nods. "Yes. They help a lot with, uh. The nightmares. And stuff."

Magnus lets out a sigh full of relief. "I thought you were on something else. Something that hadn't been prescribed," he clarifies. "I think it's great that you're taking them."

"Really?"

"Yes dummy," Magnus smiles and gives him the pills back. "It means you're accepting help."

"I... hadn't thought of it that way." Alec stays quiet for a bit, just watching Magnus. He hadn't noticed before but Magnus is wearing the pajama pants Alec bought him last Christmas, the ones with the cute kittens all over them. "Are you going to order the pizza or-"

They eat standing in the kitchen because Maryse is having all the chairs upholstered. Alec sits on the counter and doesn't even blink when Magnus positions himself between the V of his legs. Alec rests the hand that isn't holding the slice of pizza where Magnus's neck meets his shoulder. It's warm.

"With all that's happened I forgot to ask you how things had gone with your sister," Magnus pipes up after the third bite. "Does she still hate me with all her heart?"

Alec moves his hand from Magnus's neck to slap him in the arm softly. "She never hated you."

"She totally _does_."

"Well, just so you know she invited you over for lunch at her place tomorrow. I mean, we don't have to go if you don't want to," Alec adds when he sees Magnus's face.

Magnus sighs dramatically. "The things I'm willing to do for love."

Even after all this time Alec still isn't used to Magnus saying things like that out loud. He doesn't know what to say back. Alec isn't the best when it comes to sharing his feelings and talking about literally anything, so when Magnus says he loves him he always feels like his tongue has been turned into a tight knot.

"My backpack," Alec says out of the blue. He relaxes when he sees it laying on the living room floor. He must have shrugged it off and left it there when they got inside. "Could you, uh. Nothing, I'll-"

"Do you want me to get your backpack for you?" Magnus asks. He says it so easily that Alec can only nod. "No problem love."

When he gets back Alec's still sitting on the counter watching him. "Thank you," he says when Magnus passes him the bag.

"It's okay," Magnus laughs. "You say it like I just brought you the moon. Why do you need your backpack, by the way?"

Alec refuses to blush. However, his cheeks betray him once more. "You said you'd like to see baby pics of me. So. That's why I went over to Izzy's place."

"I..." Magnus looks like he's been startled awake. "Have _you_ seen them?"

Alec takes the wooden box out. It was probably his mother's, but Alec can't remember. He knows there are other things inside, besides the photos, because it feels heavy. Or maybe it's just the dead weight of the pictures. His hand is shaking when he opens it.

The green gloves he used to wear during the winter as a kid are the first thing he sees. He loved those gloves so much he would wear them even when winter was ending and they made his hands clammy. They had been a present from someone, although Alec can’t remember from who. It’s funny how he can forget some things so easily, while others seem to stick to the walls of his skull like gum. He’s almost scared of touching them.

Magnus peeks into the open box. He hasn’t said anything, which Alec appreciates. His silence isn’t awkward, but rather comforting. Alec takes the gloves out, almost crying at how small they are because his hands, now so much bigger, used to fit in there perfectly. He doesn’t think he can explain to Magnus what these things mean to him. There’s no way Alec can put into words any of this, so he puts the gloves on the counter, next to his own leg, and turns his attention back to the box.

“This is me,” Alec says stupidly. He’s talking more to himself than to Magnus, whose eyes are glued to the photograph Alec pulls out to share with him. “I looked…”

“Thin,” Magnus supplies. Alec knows he meant to say starved. He then smiles and says, “Nice haircut, huh?”

Alec rolls his eyes. “Shut up.” He takes the rest of the pictures out and hands them to Magnus. Alec wants him to see them first. There’s something shiny left at the bottom of the box. When Alec’s fingers brush against it he recognizes it immediately. He glances up at Magnus and sees him taking a photo of one of Alec’s photos with his phone. “What are you doing?”

Magnus laughs and shows him the photo. It’s a three year old Alec, smiling in a way present Alec hasn’t smiled in years, covered in bubbles and soap in the bathtub. It was on the edge of that same bathtub where Alec would sit as Izzy put band aids and cheap numbing cream on him.

“You’re my new phone background,” Magnus announces. “Being so cute should be illegal.”

Alec tries to smile, but his mouth ends up twisting into a weird grin. He looks down at his hands and the necklace that he’s holding. It doesn’t surprise him that out of everything Izzy could have taken from the house she chose this. She probably wants to wear it on her wedding day. Something borrowed.

He looks up again to tell Magnus something stupid about the necklace when he notices Magnus isn’t smiling at the photos anymore, but rather he’s looking at them like they’ve wronged him somehow. Alec notices the way his whole body seems tense, shoulders drawn back and neck strangely rigid.

“What is it? Am I naked in one of them?” Alec tries to joke.

Magnus doesn’t laugh. “No, it’s just. Are these your parents?”

They are. Alec knows this before looking at the picture. He knows Izzy couldn’t leave them behind. Alec makes himself look at it, even though it feels like someone is stabbing him in the stomach. His dad is wearing blue jeans and a red sweater and he’s holding Izzy’s hand. Next to them stands Alec’s mother, cradling Alec in her arms. They look like a normal family. Hell, they even look happy. Alec stares at their faces for a while. He tries to feel something other than the nothingness that leaps at him. It’s been so long. He almost doesn’t remember their noses or the shape of their mouths. There is no longing or pain. They’re just strangers Alec used to know in what feels like another life.

“Yes,” he finally answers. Magnus has been watching him this whole time, never pushing him to speak. “Do I look like them?”

“No,” Magnus says at once. “Not at all.”

Relief washes over him. “Good.”

“Did she know?” Magnus asks in a whisper. His finger is pointing at Alec’s mom. “What they were doing to you.”

She’s wearing a white dress. It fits her like a glove. “Yes,” Alec says again. “She did.”

That wasn’t the answer Magnus was expecting. He tries to mask the surprise on his face, but Alec sees it anyways. “Your pizza’s getting cold, biscuit,” he says instead.

“I’m done anyways.”

Magnus notices the necklace Alec’s holding. “Oh, well. That’s pretty.”

“It was my grandmother’s,” he says. It brings back happy memories, unlike some of the photos or the mittens. It leaves him feeling warm instead of cold. “This must be so boring for you, I’m sorry.”

“Alexander,” Magnus says and it’s enough to make Alec smile. He only calls him Alexander when he’s telling him off. “I asked to see these pictures, remember?”

“You should put some ice there,” Alec says, brushing his thumb softly against the corner of Magnus’s eyebrow. “Also, you’re going to have a nasty bruise.”

Magnus doesn’t sound concerned. “Guess I’ll have to wear make up to prom.”

“Oh, about that… do you have anything to wear? Maryse said you probably did, but it completely slipped my mind to ask you.”

“Don’t worry about me. What are you going to wear for prom?”

Alec shrugs. “I don’t know. I’ll ask Izzy to help me find something tomorrow.” He starts to put things away. First the photos and then the gloves. He stares at the necklace for a long time before finally putting it back into the box and closing it. It feels a lot like saying goodbye. “She said… I mean, we were talking about it, and Izzy said you’re right.”

“She said _what?_ ”

“She said you’re right. I should talk to Robert and Maryse to let them know, so it’s not a secret anymore.” Alec hops off the counter. He stands in front of Magnus. “And… I’ll think about it.”

“You will?” Magnus asks carefully. He’s beaming, something Alec can’t get enough of. “What made you change your mind?”

Alec thinks before answering. “I spent a lot of time thinking Robert and Maryse were just, I don’t know, a nice couple who fed me and kept me healthy. But they’re my parents. They’re more my parents than the people in that photo. And, uh,” he stutters, “I’m their son. I don’t want to lie to them anymore, even if…”

“Even if what?”

“Even if telling them means they won’t look at me the same,” Alec says. He closes his eyes and thinks of everything that’s happened today. “God, I’m so tired,” he blurts out.

“I’m tired too,” Magnus says. When he stretches his back makes some weird noises. Alec laughs. “Hey, don’t laugh at me. I’m an old man, my back isn’t what it used to be.”

“What’s going to happen when you turn twenty?”

Magnus puts on a serious face, which only makes Alec laugh harder. “The biggest party this city has ever seen, that’s what’s going to happen.” His phone buzzes with a new text. From where Alec’s standing he can see it is Jace’s. “They’re coming back. As it turns out Clary doesn’t like Chinese as much as she thought she did.”

“Fuck, I didn’t take my pills.”

Magnus blinks. “Woah there. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that word before.”

“Fuck?” Alec asks. He doesn’t miss the way Magnus’s eyes darken at the word. “Fucking fuck.”

They end up waiting for everyone else to get home sprawled in the living room couch. Alec lets Magnus choose a romantic comedy, only because he’s too tired to fight him on it, and dozes off. They both try to avoid sleeping in places that aren’t Magnus’s bed because of Alec’s constant tossing and turning, but this time the nightmares never come. When Alec opens his eyes the movie is nearly over and Magnus is still watching it.

“Where’s everyone?”

Magnus looks down at him. “They got here thirty minutes ago. You missed them.”

“Then why are we still here?” Alec whines. He nuzzles his face against Magnus’s shirt. “I’m sleepy.”

“I know, that’s why I didn’t want to wake you up. We can go upstairs now, I’ll finish watching this tomorrow,” Magnus says but doesn’t try to get up.

Alec doesn’t move either. He’s too comfortable. “Let’s crash here tonight.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I don’t want you having a nightmare and falling off the couch in the middle of the night.”

“I’m not going to have a nightmare,” Alec yawns. “Please?”

He doesn’t look convinced. “How do you know that?”

“Because they’re all gone.”

“What? Who’s gone where?”

Alec can’t keep his eyes open anymore. He plants a kiss on the base of Magnus’s neck and mumbles incoherently.

“Alec?”

“I’ll explain tomorrow,” Alec manages to say.

Magnus must be tired too because he doesn’t protest. However, before Alec falls asleep he swears he can hear the click of the camera app on Magnus’s phone. His fascination with selfies is driving Alec insane. But he’ll let this one go.

The things he’s willing to do for love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


	20. TWENTY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: intense talk of past abuse, minor smut, consent talk, mentions of past rape (implied rape/underage sex), same old stuff guys, internalized victim blaming, self-hate, etc.  
> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

TWENTY

 

“Disgusting?” Hodge supplies. For once he’s not writing anything down on his notepad. “Is that the word you were looking for?”

Alec stalls. He can’t quite connect that word with Magnus’s name. Yet Hodge says it so simply, like it’s a possibility. “It’s not him, though.”

“But you did feel disgusting,” Hodge says. He gestures with his hands a lot, something Alec hadn’t recalled before. “When he touched you like that, was it pleasurable?”

Alec’s face is in flames. He looks away before answering. “Uh, yeah. It was.”

“Then why do you think you felt disgusting afterwards?”

Hodge is trying to make a point again. Alec always feels a bit stupid because he can never see where the conversation is going until Hodge points it out to him. He tries to guess, “Because I kept associating it with, huh, past negative experiences?”

Hodge beams at him. “Yes! Exactly. You’re a teenager, which means you’re full of hormones. It’s only natural that when a human being you’re attracted to touches you, you’re going to get horny.”

Alec can’t quite believe that word came out Hodge’s mouth. “I…”

“The issue here is that all of your past sexual experiences have been bad,” Hodge goes on, completely ignoring Alec’s flushed face. “Not bad, but gut-wrenching awful. They weren’t consensual and they happened when you were too young to even fathom what was actually going on. They created the idea that sex is just that, when in reality it should be fun and safe. So now what’s happening is that you’ve found someone you like, someone you might see yourself having sex with, but your brain is telling you that-“

“That I’m disgusting,” Alec concludes. He can’t help but let the words come tumbling out of his mouth. “That if… if I like it now, I surely must have liked it back then, too.”

Hodge gives him a tiny nod. “That way of thinking is extremely corrosive. No two experiences are ever the same, not even if the same people are involved. Let’s talk about that disgust you feel for a second. Where do you think that comes from? I mean, you know where it comes from, but why do you think you feel disgusting instead of, let’s say, outraged?”

Alec frowns. “Why would I feel outraged?”

“Well, why wouldn’t you? When someone hurts us we tend to feel upset about it.”

“I’m… I don’t…”

Hodge waves his hand. “Imagine for a second that you’re watching the news and you see a story about a six year old boy who has gone through what you have gone through. Would you feel disgusted by it?”

“No!” Alec exclaims. “I’d never… it’s… I’d feel bad for him. I’d want whoever did that to him to be punished.”

“Then why don’t you feel that same way about yourself? You were that six year old once. Why is it that these experiences stir disgust but not anger in you?” Hodge asks. Alec doesn’t have an answer. “Do you think it’s because you blame yourself for the abuse?”

Alec sits there in silence. He had never thought about it like this. “I don’t know.”

Hodge writes something down. He looks at Alec and rephrases the question. “Is it possible that you feel that way because now you’re enjoying yourself, whereas before you were being forced, but you still can’t differentiate between the two?”

“No,” Alec shakes his head. “I… I know I can say no now. I’m not confused about that. I’m not scared of Magnus,” he clarifies. “It’s just… it’s like I can still feel them.”

“Feel what?”

“Their hands,” Alec says. He tries to suppress a shudder and fails miserably. “And I wonder, like. If when we’re kissing or, huh, touching… I wonder if Magnus is thinking about them, too.”

Hodge doesn’t tell Alec that he’s wrong. He doesn’t tell Alec that it’s completely insane that he’s thinking that. “Okay. That’s something that we need to work on, then.”

“So, I’m not… You think Magnus thinks of that?”

Hodge shakes his head. “I don’t know what Magnus thinks about because I’m not Magnus. What I do know is that the way you feel about yourself isn’t the way others feel about you. You’re projecting your own fears and your own disgust onto Magnus.”

“What?”

“You feel disgusting so you assume Magnus finds you disgusting,” Hodge explains. “That’s what projecting is more or less.”

Again, Alec has been stunned into silence. He didn’t think this conversation was going to go this way when he told Hodge about the heated make out session that had gone down between Magnus and him the other night next to the shed. He certainly didn’t think his feelings towards himself were going to be a topic of discussion, although they always are when he talks to Hodge. He understands what Hodge is saying, he’s just not sure he agrees.

“By the way,” Hodge eyes him curiously. “You haven’t told me what had you nervous enough to see me on a Monday instead of on our usual day.”

Alec twists his hand on his lap. He’s been practicing this in the shower for a week. “I’m going to tell Robert and Maryse the truth.”

“Is Magnus okay with that?”

Alec frowns in confusion. “What does Magnus have to do with this?”

Hodge returns the frown. “Well, considering he’s the other part of this relationship…”

“Wait,” Alec laughs. “That’s not… I’m not going to tell them about Magnus and me.”

“Then what…” Hodge stops. He blinks several times before continuing. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s a huge step in your recovery process, I hope you’re aware of it. Do you want me to schedule another session for it?”

“No,” Alec says. “I’m going to tell them after dinner tonight.”

“That’s…” Hodge picks his words carefully. “It’s a lot to take in. They might ask a lot of questions you might not want to answer. What exactly are you going to tell them?”

Alec shrugs. “The truth. All of it.”

Hodge goes through his notepad. “Two weeks ago you firmly stated that you were going to wait until you turned eighteen for that. What made you change your mind?”

“I feel like… they deserve to know, that’s all.”

“Does it still worry you that they might kick you out of the house?” Hodge asks. “You said that was your biggest concern.”

Alec feels his throat closing. He’s not scared of them kicking him out. If they did, then he could go to Izzy’s place and stay there, even though he’d have to be away from the only safe place he’s ever known. “I’m worried that they won’t… I mean, I know they can’t _un_ adopt me, but what if they never want to see me again.”

“Why would they want that?”

“Because I’ve lied to them,” Alec explodes. “They took me in when no one else wanted me. They legally adopted me. They kept me well fed and clothed and sent me to school. They’re paying for this, too. And all I’ve ever done is lie to them.”

Hodge scribbles something and looks up at him. “So you think their first reaction to you saying that you were sexually abused as a child will be anger towards you?”

“Maybe not anger but… betrayal? They’ll probably feel like I’ve betrayed their trust.”

“Because you waited so long to tell them?”

“Because,” Alec breathes out, feeling like there’s no air left in his lungs, “I should have told them before they took me in.”

Hodge’s face turns soft with understanding. “Do you think knowing would have affected their decision?”

“Yes,” Alec replies without hesitation. “They wouldn’t have signed the papers. Uh, maybe they would have taken me in, but I’d be like any other kid in the Institute.”

“They wouldn’t have adopted you as their son,” Hodge says, clearly asking for clarification. Alec nods. “Why do you think that?”

Alec looks down at his hands. “It’s just a lot of stuff to deal with. Most parents want… I don’t know, happy and healthy kids. They don’t want a six year old who knows more about fucking than they do.”

Hodge seems taken aback by Alec’s words. “But you weren’t just that, Alexander. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing you back then, but I’m sure despite everything that happened you still were an amazing kid. Abuse and neglect don’t invalidate you as a person.”

“I know that,” Alec says, “but they shaped me.”

“I don’t mean to get too deep with this, but _life_ shapes you. It’s a matter of perspective, like we were discussing before. That’s how _you_ see yourself. Maybe Robert and Maryse saw a lot more when they met you. And they would have adopted you all the same if you had told them the whole story.”

Alec doesn’t feel like arguing, so he says, “I guess.”

The timer goes off but Hodge doesn’t get up. “I could give them a call, if you want.”

Like a heads up, Alec thinks. “No. I’ll be okay.”

“If you need to you can still swing by tomorrow,” Hodge tells him. “Same time as usual.”

Magnus is waiting for him in the parking lot. Alec can’t help but smile when he sees him, even though he knew Magnus would be there he’s still pleasantly surprised. He walks as fast as he can towards him, blushing when Magnus laughs about it.

He greets Alec with a kiss. “So, how did it go?”

“Okay,” is all Alec says before turning all his attention to the kiss. He smiles into it and Magnus does too. “I missed you.”

“You saw me this morning love,” Magnus says. He unlocks the car and gets into the driver seat. “I have to say I didn’t think Robert would let me come pick you up,” he says once Alec’s slipped in the car.

Alec struggles with his seat belt. “I don’t know why I can’t walk back to the Institute. It’s a fifteen minute walk from here.”

“I guess they just want to make sure you’re okay,” Magnus says. He looks too pretty with both his hands on the steering wheel. “Therapy can be draining. But anyways, aren’t you glad Robert had that important meeting he couldn’t miss and sent me instead?”

Alec rolls his eyes at him. “I already knew you were coming. He texted me like two hours ago.”

“You still seemed surprised to see me,” Magnus sticks out his tongue at Alec. “So, Taki’s or Alicante?”

Alec doesn’t even like Chinese food but he’s willing to compromise because Magnus likes it. “Taki’s,” he says and feels ten times better when he sees Magnus’s smile.

The place isn’t as small as Alec had thought it would be. It’s packed with people, which can only mean the food’s good. Magnus smiles at the girl with blue hair in the front as she asks him a million questions about Jace. Alec would like to know where they met, but then remembers that Magnus has been coming here for years and Jace has probably tagged along a million times. The blue haired girl guides them to their table and goes away to get their menus, still babbling about Jace and his blonde hair.

“Did you tell Hodge that your boyfriend is taking you to prom? If so, I hope you didn’t leave out any details about my amazingness,” Magnus says and winks at him.

Alec takes the menu from their waitress and flips through it. “We didn’t talk about prom, sorry. I don’t know what half of these things are, by the way.”

“It’s okay,” Magnus says, already calling the girl back. He smiles at Alec guiltily. “If you really hate it here we can go somewhere else.”

“No,” Alec shakes his head, thinking of how much Magnus wanted to come to this place. “I’ll eat anything, you know that.”

“The usual, Mags?” the girl asks him. When Magnus nods she turns to Alec, kind of surprised to see him there. “Oh. This one’s cute.” She laughs when Alec’s face begins to turn an angry shade of red. “Well, what do you want?”

“Same as me,” Magnus says, sensing Alec’s lack of interest in the food. He frowns when he sees the look she’s giving him. “What?”

“That’s so rude,” she chides. “You’re supposed to let your date decide what he wants to eat.”

“No, that’s… It’s his first time here, that’s why I-“

“It’s fine,” Alec manages to say through his laughter. “Magnus isn’t a control freak, if that’s what you were thinking.”

She smiles. “Jace totally is.”

“Can we stop talking about Jace for a second?” Magnus groans. “It’s ruining my appetite.”

“I like her,” Alec says when she’s out of sight. “What’s her name?”

“Grace.”

“Does she know Jace is dating Clary?” Alec asks. Even though Grace seems funny he can’t imagine anyone replacing Clary. She seems to be the only human on Earth who’s capable of making Jace nicer.

“Yeah, she does. But she’s still allowed to dream, right?”

When Magnus reaches across the table for his hand Alec starts to have trouble breathing. Out of desperation he blurts out, “I think we should tell Robert and Maryse we’re dating.”

Magnus doesn’t have the chance to reply because Grace is already setting down their lunch in front of them. It looks and smells delicious but Alec’s stomach has started a vicious cycle of clenching and unclenching. Once Grace has left them to take other people’s orders they are left in an uncomfortable silence.

Alec hadn’t thought about telling them until Hodge mentioned it. He knows they suspect there’s something going on between them, mainly because Alec was so adamant of going to prom with Magnus, but Alec knows they don’t have a clue just how deep his relationship with Magnus is.

Besides, that’s what they’re doing. They’re dating. Alec has to remind himself over and over again that there’s nothing wrong with that. He doesn’t need anyone’s permission to do this and he certainly doesn’t need anyone’s approval, but he doesn’t know what he’ll do if he doesn’t get Robert and Maryse’s.

Carrying all these secrets around with him is exhausting. Every time he opens his mouth around them he has to be careful with what he says. Alec doesn’t want to tiptoe around the Institute anymore. Even though there’s a possibility that things won’t work out, Alec doesn’t care anymore about them working. He wants to hold Magnus’s hand during breakfast and kiss him out in the open, in front of anyone who’s willing to watch. He’s not a place for secrets anymore.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Magnus asks, giving his hand a squeeze. “Because it’s a serious step to take.”

Alec tries to keep the hurt from showing on his face. “I thought we were already serious about things.”

“We are,” Magnus says quickly. “That’s not what I meant. I just don’t want you to feel pressured. I don’t care who knows about us.”

“But I do,” Alec says. “I can’t keep this from them too.”

Magnus understands what he means with that. “You’re right. We should tell them. Maybe tonight?”

Alec looks away. “No, not tonight.”

“Oh. It seemed pretty urgent just now,” Magnus says. He notices Alec’s face. “What is it?”

Alec hasn’t told Magnus yet because telling someone other than Hodge makes it official. He’s not just talking about doing this, he’s actually going to do it. The thought scares the hell out of him, even more so than it did in Hodge’s office. He knows Magnus would be supportive. Alec can almost picture Magnus standing next to him when he tells them, the proud look on his face. But the thing is Alec doesn’t want Magnus to be there. This is something he needs to tell them without anyone having his back or arguing with Maryse and Robert when they get upset. Alec can’t and won’t ask Magnus to do this with him, for him.

“It’s not urgent,” Alec replies. “I have plans with them tonight, that’s all.”

Magnus puts something in his mouth and swallows without chewing. Alec is about to ask him what it is when he speaks up. “We could still talk to them, after whatever it is you have to do with them tonight. I don’t want you to think I don’t want to tell them.”

“I don’t think that,” Alec says. Magnus smiles when he sees the way Alec’s holding his chopsticks. “We have to talk about other stuff tonight and I don’t want to take the focus off that.”

Magnus shrugs. He doesn’t ask what they’re going to talk about, probably thinking it’s about college or Izzy. A grin spreads across his face when Alec’s food slips from him because he doesn’t know how to use the damn chopsticks. He shows Alec how it’s done instead of making fun of him. Alec tries to copy his movements but his hands are too clumsy and too shaky, so he ends up stabbing a piece of chicken instead. Magnus laughs at that.

“Maybe next time we should go to an Italian restaurant,” Magnus jokes, although it’s clear he’s having a good time despite Alec’s dorkiness. “I take it you know how to use a fork?”

Alec rolls his eyes ta him. “Actually, I don’t. I'm like The Little Mermaid.”

“I just thought italian food was too corny for our first date,” Magnus says thoughtfully. “But now that I think about it I’d love to see you slurping over a plate of noodles.”

Alec blushes but recovers quickly. “It’s not our first date. You took me out for ice cream the other day, remember?”

“With _Jace,_ ” Magnus emphasizes. His knees bump against Alec’s under the table. It reminds him of all the times they ate like this in the Institute. The memory of Magnus’s bony knees has been burned in Alec’s memory for years. “It’s not a date if there’s other people around.”

“Oh,” Alec says. He gets a bit dizzy when Magnus intertwines their fingers for everyone to see. PDA has never been his thing. “There’s other people around now, too.”

“Not people we know,” Magnus argues.

“You know Grace,” Alec points out. He tries not to laugh at Magnus’s defeated face. “At least it’s not a double date.”

“A double date with Jace and Clary would be amazing, you just wait. I have to convince Jace to come, although he’s never resisted my charm before.”

Alec eats only three pieces of chicken and some rice he manages to scoop with his chopsticks. He’s not really hungry, but he’s not sorry he chose this place over Alicante. Magnus loves it here and Alec’s willing to try and love whatever Magnus loves. Compromise is important.

Prom is only three nights away, which has Alec sulking. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go, it’s just that he really doesn’t want to go. Magnus will make it bearable, Alec knows this, but he also knows how much Magnus likes parties. Alec wishes they could fade with the background and go unnoticed. Wearing a suit feels like putting on a costume somehow.

“Are you done, lovebirds?” Grace asks, already taking away their plates. “Dessert? Some shots?”

“It’s one p.m,” Magnus laughs.

Grace frowns. “And? It’s never too early to start drinking.”

“That sounds like something an alcoholic would say,” Magnus says. He’s so good at talking it makes Alec jealous. It’s like he always knows what to say. “But no, darling. We’re fine.”

“Are you sure your boy doesn’t want anything? You haven’t asked him,” Grace chides Magnus.

Alec shakes his head, guilty. “I’m fine. I’m the one that’s rushing him to leave, sorry.”

Magnus talks to her for a while, mostly about Jace. Once he’s done he pays the check and leaves a tip for Grace. Alec follows him outside in silence while Magnus says goodbye to a bunch of people he knows from God knows where. It’s weird to think Magnus knows so many people. It’s weird and terrifying in a way. The fact that Magnus is so much more experienced in everything Alec isn’t makes his skin feel too tight sometimes. Because Magnus is his own person. He’s not defined by his relationship with Alec. He has his own thing going on all the time, unlike Alec. He’s the most social person Alec knows. Magnus knows so many people, cool people, yet he’s stuck with Alec. It seems bizarre.

“Stop worrying,” Magnus says once they’re outside. He takes Alec’s hand in his on the way to the car. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Alec looks down at their joined hands. “I didn’t say anything. How do you know I’m worrying?”

“Please,” Magnus scoffs. “I can almost hear your brain going vroom-vroom.”

Laughter escapes him. “I can’t believe you used vroom in a sentence.”

“I can’t believe you don’t use it. Kids these days are so strange.”

Alec presses into his side as they walk. No one is looking at them strange. No one is even looking at them. This town isn’t as bad as he had always thought it was. “I’m not a kid, dummy. I’m an adult.”

“You’re not eighteen yet,” Magnus argues. He puts his arm around Alec’s shoulders and smiles down at him. “In fact, you’re not allowed to drink for three more years.”

“My birthday is only a week away, Mags. And I’ve already done some illegal drinking, so.” Alec stops walking when they reach Robert’s car, which forces Magnus to stop walking too. “I… You’re nineteen.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow at him, faking hurt. “Nineteen isn’t old.”

“No, I mean… I’m still seventeen. Won’t you get in trouble for-“

“I’m pretty sure the age of consent is sixteen in this state,” Magnus cuts him off. He looks troubled nevertheless. “But, uh. I hadn’t really thought about it. I turn twenty in two months.” His face turns from troubled to horrified. “You’re so young.”

“I’m only two years younger than you,” Alec says stubbornly. “I’m not young.”

Magnus is trying to appear worried, but Alec can see the corners of his mouth pulling upwards into a smile. “I feel like a perv.”

Alec tenses. “Don’t go there.”

“Sorry,” Magnus says quickly. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I’m seriously-“

“You’re sorry, it’s fine.” Alec stores Magnus’s apology like a treasure. “You are old, though.”

Magnus seems hesitant when he speaks next. “How so?”

“You use weird words,” Alec scrunches up his face to get a smile out of Magnus. He hates it when he makes things awkward between them. “Like vroom.”

“I vroom you,” Magnus laughs, much more relaxed than before, which is how Alec always wants him to look. “Now let’s go back before Robert sends a search party to find us.”

“I’m not getting into that car with you after you just used vroom to replace love,” Alec shrieks. He shrieks even louder when Magnus lifts him off his feet and half carries half drags him to the car. “I like this better than walking, it’s not really a punishment you know.”

Magnus rolls his eyes as he lowers him to the passenger seat. He closes the door and goes around to the other side. He’s about to start the car when his phone buzzes. “That’s Izzy. She’s probably found you a suit for prom.”

“What? Why is she texting you about it and not me?” Alec crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s my suit, not yours.”

“Yeah well, I know about a fashion.”

“Are you implying I don’t?”

Magnus pretends to think about it. “You dress all in black. It’s hot, but I don’t think it counts as fashion.”

Alec sputters, “I… I don’t always dress up in black.” He tries to remember what he keeps in his closet. “I have a green sweatshirt-“

“Because I gave it to you for Christmas,” Magnus says, clearly amused by Alec’s frustration. “I also gave you that blue button up for your birthday.”

“I… Fine,” Alec says. “There’ nothing wrong with wearing black. It’s fancy.”

“Never said it wasn’t, Alexander, which is why your suit will be black.”

Alec is tempted to ask what Magnus’s suit will look like, but he figures a surprise never hurt anyone. They drive in silence for a while, Magnus holding his hand over the gearbox while Alec looks out the window. This is what being normal must feel like. Going out on dates, having light-hearted conversations over Chinese food, driving around the neighborhood just because. This is it. Alec’s officially made it.

He’s so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t even notice Magnus has pulled over. “Do you want to stop by Izzy’s place to give her the box back?” he asks Alec. “Or we could do that tomorrow.”

A tiny part of Alec hisses at the topic. He wishes they didn’t have to talk about this after the nice day they’ve had. “I already gave it to her.”

“Oh?”

“When we went over there for lunch,” Alec explains. The words come out in chunks, like he has to force himself to talk about this. He can only imagine how hard it’ll be to talk to Maryse and Robert tonight. “She said I could keep it if I wanted to, but I think it’s best if she has it.”

Magnus’s fingers brush against his knuckles. He asks, “Why’s that?”

“Because it makes me sad,” Alec says, testing the words. He’s never been a big fan of talking about his feelings, but this is Magnus he’s talking to so he tries to make an effort. “And I kind of want to… um, forget about. I mean, I want to remember,” he rushes to say, “but I don’t want to remember all the time, if that makes sense. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” Magnus tells him. “It makes a lot of sense. I think it’s great you’re choosing not to hold onto something toxic.”

Alec considers this for a second, then says, “I don’t know if toxic’s the right word. It’s like…” his voice fades gradually until there’s nothing but silence between them. He finally concludes, “Like they aren’t my things anymore. Hodge said it’s called dissociation, but I think I’ve just outgrown them, you know? I don’t need them to remind me who I am anymore. So, yeah.”

Magnus’s mouth twitches with pride. He nods and then his face lights up, like he’s just remembered something important. “Did you tell Hodge you aren’t having nightmares anymore? Because that’s fucking amazing, really.”

“No,” Alec says slowly. “Why would I tell him about that?”

“I don’t know, I guess I just thought he’d be happy to hear the pills are working. I know I am, I can finally sleep through the night without you kicking me in the groin.”

Alec smiles at the last part. He braces himself for what’s to come. “That’s got nothing to do with the pills. It’s, uh. It’s about other stuff.”

Magnus waits for him to elaborate and frowns when Alec doesn’t. It’s neither warm nor cold inside the car, yet Alec feels himself growing hotter under Magnus’s gaze. “What stuff?”

There is no room for secrets inside of him anymore, Alec tells himself, and there is no room for lies in his mouth anymore. “I feel safe now. Saf _er_ ,” he corrects himself. “I’m not scared.”

“What were you scared of before?” Magnus asks him so innocently Alec wants to cry. It’s like no one’s ever hurt him bad enough to leave a scar. Alec’s infinitely glad.

“Them,” Alec admits quietly. He’s never said this out loud, to anyone. “I was scared they would- it’s stupid, I know- come back for me, or. Yeah.”

“No one would let them,” Magnus replies with enough force to shock both of them. “Maryse and Robert would kill them. I’d kill them before they even got close enough to look at you.”

Alec doesn’t comment on the fact that Robert and Maryse don’t know about them in the first place. Instead, he shrugs. “They aren’t coming, I know that now.”

“You were talking about them the other day, weren’t you? On the couch,” Magnus says. “You said they were gone.”

“They are. All of them.”

Magnus looks like he has a question on the tip of his tongue that he doesn’t dare ask. After what feels like an hour of just waiting, “Dead?” is all he manages to ask.

Alec pulls his hand away and fights the urge to hug his knees to his chest. He doesn’t feel like being touched right now. Not even by Magnus. Not when their faces are swimming in front of his eyes. “One of them is. The others are in jail,” he says. “Izzy told me the other day. She’s been keeping an eye out for them.”

Silence, and then, “How many were they?”

Alec knows this is not the last time they will talk about this, so he leaves out all the details. He doesn’t say their names or what they looked like or what they liked to do to him, or worse, what they liked Alec doing to them. He keeps his mouth shut about those things because he’s not in a place where he can talk about it with Magnus. At least not yet.

“Four,” he says. It’s an even number, at least. It’s just a number. It’s two plus two. Not a big deal. “They’ve been gone for a while now, I just never knew.”

Magnus lets out the breath he has been holding in. “Good,” he settles for. “That’s good.”

“Does that…” Alec suppresses a shudder. He forces himself to look at Magnus’s face, so he can know if he’s lying. “Does knowing that gross you out?”

His faces stays the same. “No, it doesn’t.” Magnus looks like he wants to reach out and touch Alec, but he quickly reconsiders it. He plays with his keys instead. “All this time… you were scared they’d come and snatch you?”

“Kind of,” Alec says sheepishly. “Like, part of me knew they wouldn’t because they didn’t know where I was, but. Remember… back when we were kids and I was always bugging you to come exploring with me?”

Magnus’s face lights up in recognition. “Yeah, you were really into hide and seek, I remember.”

“They’re the reason,” Alec says. He doesn’t see their faces when he closes his eyes, like they have been tattooed to the inside of his eyelids. He does not. “I was always looking for hiding places in case they showed up. It was stupid.”

“Love,” Magnus chides him. His voice is wobbly again, something Alec doesn’t like. “You were a kid and you were scared. There’s nothing stupid about that.”

“Okay.” Alec doesn’t want to fight about this, so he lets it go. “Thanks.”

“So you… I mean, when you got here, you still remembered-“

Alec doesn’t need to hear this, so he cuts Magnus off before he can finish. “Yes, at first. I think I started blocking things out after a while, I don’t know. Until now.”

Magnus is trying to keep it together, Alec can tell, but he’s not doing a very good job. His hands are shaking and it’s making the keys jingle all over the place. He lets out a sniffle, a sound that rattles Alec to the core because he’s only seen Magnus cry once, and then the tears start pouring out like rain down his cheeks, wetting the front of his shirt at a speed that doesn’t seem normal.

“Mags, what-“ Alec doesn’t know where to put his hands or what to say. He never knows what to say, but right now it seems like there aren’t any words he can say to calm Magnus down. “Why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus laughs and hiccups at the same time. “I just. I keep thinking of all the nights you had to spent scared… that’s why you kept crawling into my bed, wasn’t it?” He doesn’t wait for Alec to answer. “Sorry, this isn’t about me. I didn’t mean to start crying.”

“I…” Alec doesn’t know what to say, again. He knows Magnus could probably use a hug, but he doesn’t want to risk it. His skin still feels too tight, like it needs stretching, and he’s scared if he moves too fast it’ll rip open and all the sadness will come pouring out. So no, he can’t give Magnus a hug right now. “I’m sorry for telling you about that. I didn’t mean-“

“No,” Magnus says quickly. His eyes aren’t puffy or red like Alec’s always are after he’s done crying. Magnus is pretty even like this. “You keep telling me, yeah? I promise not knowing is worse.”

“Alright.”

They get out of the car without saying anything else. Alec stays a few steps behind, just enough so that they aren’t touching, and pretends like he’s happy their date turned out like this. One day at a time, Hodge would say. Alec focuses on that.

“Uh, next time’s Italian, right?” Alec asks after a while. He sits down on the couch as soon as they’re inside. His knees are shaky and he doesn’t want to risk standing up.

Magnus seems startled by Alec’s comment. “What?”

“You know, next time we go out. You said…”

“Oh, yeah.” Magnus smiles and the sun comes out again, at least for Alec. “We are totally doing that next time. In fact, why don’t you choose where you want to go? I feel like you always have to tag along with whatever I come up with.” He sits down next to Alec and stretches. “It’s your turn.”

“I don’t mind going where you want to go,” Alec shrugs. When a couple of minutes have passed he rests his head against Magnus’s shoulder. It seems stupid now, that he was scared of touching him just five minutes ago. Trauma is weird. “I like what you like.”

“You shouldn’t have to like what I like,” Magnus says, his duh-voice turned on. “You’re your own person, Alec. C’mon, where do _you_ want to go?”

He thinks about it for a while. “Idris?”

“Fancy,” Magnus laughs. Alec gets distracted by the crinkles by his eyes when he smiles this wide. “I like that. Are you going to make me wear a suit?”

Alec groans, mortified. “It’s not that fancy. Besides, Robert knows someone there so dinner will probably be free.”

“Dinner? What if I wanted to go there for lunch, huh?”

“Then we go for lunch.”

Magnus kisses Alec’s right temple. “Dinner it is, then.” He lets Alec curl up around him on the couch. “Someone’s sleepy.”

“No,” Alec yawns. “Maybe.”

“Go to sleep, silly,” Magnus half says half orders. His hand is warm where it’s resting on Alec’s back. “I’ll wake you up when I wake up.”

“Oh, how reliable.”

Magnus grimaces. “That sounds like something Jace would say. I think we need to have a talk about how much time you’re spending with him.”

Even though he’s already starting to fall asleep Alec manages to roll his eyes at Magnus. He says, “We only hang out on Mondays and Wednesdays because he’s helping me rebuild the tree house.”

“Tree fort,” Magnus corrects him. “Thanks to me, by the way. I talked him into helping you.”

“And I’m grateful for that.” Alec plays with the hem of his shirt, his fingers almost poking a hole through the fabric. He blinks the sleepiness away. “What are we going to watch?”

Magnus’s left hand is fumbling with the remote while the other is still rubbing Alec’s back. He stops to look down at him, pretending to be shocked. “We? We aren’t going to watch anything, Alexander. You’re going to take a nap.”

“I’m not sleepy anymore, all your talking woke me up. So, can we watch the last episode of America’s Top Model?”

“Don’t kill me,” Magnus says slowly, “but I kind of already watched it with Clary.”

“Magnus!”

“She forced me to!” Magnus shrieks. “What was I supposed to do?”

Alec pouts. “Say no?”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus says, although Alec doubts he’s sorry at all. “If it makes you feel any better Alyssa didn’t win.”

“Oh my God,” Alec groans indignantly. “Massive spoiler.”

Magnus hugs him tighter. Alec can feel him smiling against his temple, he can hear the smile in his voice when he talks again. “You didn’t even know what a spoiler was until I explained it to you, like, two days ago.”

“Whatever.”

“Don’t be upset love. We can watch…” Magnus squints his eyes at the movies on Netflix. “Okay, I don’t know what we can watch, but it’s going to be way better than America’s Next Top Model.”

“Project Runway?” Alec asks. “It’s almost the same.”

“I can’t believe you just said that. Have you ever watched Project Runway?” Magnus laughs even harder than before when Alec shakes his head no. “We have to watch it then, it’s settled.”

They end up binge-watching two seasons of Project Runway. It takes them most of the afternoon, and it’s only when the sun has gone away completely that they reach the last episode of the second season. Alec had completely forgotten about the talk he needs to have with Robert and Maryse until he sees them come in. Maryse announces she’s going to start making dinner. The thought that dinner is less than an hour away makes Alec’s heart jump around in his chest.

Magnus notices he’s gone rigid against him, of course he does, and so he asks, “what’s wrong?” He looks at the kitchen where Maryse and Robert have disappeared into. “Is something going on with them?”

“No.”

“Alec,” Magnus insists. “C’mon, talk to me.”

Tonight’s the big night, Alec wants to say, but he can’t gather the courage to let Magnus know about it. He doesn’t want to hear what Magnus has to say. Magnus will tell Alec that he has nothing to be scared of, that Robert and Maryse will never stop loving him and that they won’t be upset with him. Alec doesn’t want to hear those things because what if he believes Magnus, what if he lets himself believe that Maryse and Robert won’t kick him out, and then everything goes wrong? Alec can’t set himself up for that kind of disappointment. It’s easier to assume the worst. It’s easier to keep Magnus out of this.

Besides, it feels like dragging Magnus is unfair. He worries about Alec enough as it is. Alec doesn’t need Magnus worrying about his relationship with Robert and Maryse too. So Alec tells himself he’s going to be okay even if they get upset and make him move out or never speak to him again. He’ll go to Izzy’s place and sleep on her couch until he can get a job or something. Even if they stop loving him, it’s not the end of the world. That’s what Alec tells himself.

“I’m okay. I’ll tell you about it in the morning, okay? After I’ve talked to them.” He tries to give Magnus a convincing smile. “Who else is having dinner here tonight with us?”

Magnus lets it go, even though he’s still frowning when he answers Alec’s question. “I don’t know. Jace is spending the night at Clary’s. Maia went out with Lydia and… uh, I don’t know about Max.”

Alec doesn’t flinch at the mention of Max anymore. He feels stupid for being scared of him before. He’s just a kid and he’s never done anything to Alec. “Alright.”

“I’m going to text Aline and ask her if she’s having dinner here,” Magnus types away on his phone. “She took Max out to the park so maybe they’ll grab something on the way.”

When Maryse says dinner’s ready Alec already knows he’s not going to be able to swallow even one bite. His stomach is clenched so tight it hurts when he walks. The thought of food is revolting, even though whatever Maryse has cooked smells delicious.

Magnus doesn’t let go of his hand until the go inside the kitchen. He only does it because Alec’s told him he doesn’t want Maryse and Robert to know about them yet, otherwise Magnus would be all over Alec because he knows he’s upset. On top of everything Alec’s starting to feel guilty for keeping Magnus in the dark with this, especially when he’s eyeing Alec with so much worry.

“So, how was lunch today?” Robert hands Alec his plate. He doesn’t say anything about how much Alec’s hand is shaking.

“It was good,” Magnus answers when Alec doesn’t. He reaches out and holds his hand under the tablecloth, and Alec tries not to panic at how easy it’d be for Robert and Maryse to see and freak out. Except they wouldn’t freak out. Magnus and Alec have been holding hands for years, why would it mean something different now?

Maryse passes Magnus the salad bowl. “Where did you? Alicante?”

“Taki’s,” Magnus says. He laughs quietly when Maryse says she doesn’t know that place. “It’s a Chinese restaurant.”

“Oh,” Maryse says. “I don’t think I’ve ever had Chinese food.”

Magnus squeezes Alec’s hand. He says, “If your taste is anything like Alec’s you wouldn’t like it.”

“I liked it,” Alec blurts out. He doesn’t want Magnus to think he didn’t enjoy their lunch together because he did, one hundred percent. “Just… weird.”

Robert seems happy that Alec’s talking. “I know what you mean. I ate sushi once and hated it. Bittersweet just isn’t my thing.”

“I don’t think sushi’s Chinese,” Magnus says, “and I don’t think it’s supposed to taste bittersweet.”

Robert looks puzzled. “It’s not?”

“It’s from Japan,” Maryse rolls her eyes. “Even I know that and I’m allergic to fish.”

Alec tunes them out after that. He’s vaguely aware of the way Magnus is still holding onto his hand, squeezing it gently from time to time. Alec pushes his food around with his fork and tries to breathe. He doesn’t bother trying to come up with a speech because he knows the second he has to talk his brain will betray him and he won’t even be able to remember his own name. Killing time is harder than he thought it was.

He starts to pay attention again when he sees Magnus is picking up his plate and carrying it to the sink. It’s now or never. Maryse always like to read for a while before going to bed, but Robert goes straight to their room after dinner because he’s usually exhausted. Alec can’t let them get away.

“Uh,” Alec coughs into his hand, in a poor attempt to get the words to come out. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Magnus takes that as he queue to leave. It’s clear he wants to stay, but he’d never intrude in Alec’s business if he wasn’t’ asked to. He flashes him a smile and excuses himself to his room to work on something. The second he’s out of the room Alec feels like he’s going to faint. There isn’t enough air in the kitchen. The floor is shaky under his feet, so he stays sit.

Robert and Maryse share a look. “What’s up?” Robert asks, trying to sound cool and approachable. Under any other circumstance Alec would find it funny, but right now he’s too busy freaking out.

Alec feels like a kid again, with both of them sitting in front of him. He has to do this, he has to, there is no room for secrets inside him anymore. He has to do this. “I…” Alec sucks in as much air as he can get into his lungs. Where does he start? What does he tell them? “I…”

Maryse gets up and pours him a glass of water. He pushes it towards Alec before sitting down again. “You look like you’re about to faint, Alexander. Drink up.”

His fingers curl around the glass but he doesn’t lift it. His hands are shaking so bad he’s scared of spilling water everywhere. Besides, his mouth feels too dry and too wet at the same time. This is a million times worse than telling Magnus or Hodge.

“I need to tell you something,” Alec finally manages to say. He clutches the glass like a lifeline. “I… I’ve been lying to you.”

Robert looks at Maryse like they’re having a silent conversation again. He turns to look at Alec after a while, but he doesn’t look upset. Yet. “Okay. What have you been lying about?”

He can’t do this. It’s one thing to think about it and imagine the conversation in the shower, everything calm and collected. Alec’s told himself he’s ready for any reaction, but that’s a lie. He’s not sure what he’d do if they say they can’t look at him anymore, if they kick him out. Alec should have written them a letter or something. Why on Earth did he think talking about it was going to be easy?

“Sorry,” Alec blurts out, because it’s the truth. He’s sorry he tricked them into loving him. He’s sorry they don’t know who he is and what’s happened to him. He’s sorry he kept this secret for so long. “I’m sorry, I…”

Maryse’s mouth turns into a thin line. “Does this have to do with Magnus?”

Alec wants to laugh. He wishes this was about Magnus. “No. It’s… it’s about me.”

“Okay,” Robert says easily. He seems more intrigued than angry. “Are you in trouble?”

“I… I don’t know.”

They are both being very patient with him tonight. “Do you owe someone money?”

“No!” Alec shakes his head. He regrets doing so because the room was already spinning enough as it is. “It’s nothing like that.”

Both of them relax in their chairs. Alec pities them. They probably think the worst is over. “Then what’s wrong? Is there something going on at school?”

Alec considers using the rape word for the first time in his life. It would leave room for no misunderstandings, but Alec can’t bring himself to say it. He can’t do this on his own. He thought he could, but he’s not strong enough. In fact, Alec can’t fathom a universe where he’d be strong enough to tell them he’s lied to them for the past decade. It’s certainly not going to happen in this reality.

“It’s nothing,” Alec says as fast as his mouth will let him. “I… Everything’s fine. I think… I think I’m going to bed. I don’t feel so good.”

Their shoulders sag with disappointment. They actually thought this was going somewhere, and that Alec was, for once in his life, trusting them with something important. Guilt makes tears sting the back of his eyes. Alec wanted to do this so badly. He had thought he was ready.

He’s not sad about the fact that he’s a coward, he’s angry. Alec should have known this was going to happen, he knew there was no way he could come clean and finally be free of all the secrets he’s kept over the years. It was stupid to think he was recovered, that he was okay enough to act like a normal person would in this situation.

The pitying smile Maryse gives him is the worst. He doesn’t deserve that pity. Alec wants to tell her he’s not good, that he doesn’t deserve to have them worrying about him. The words are on the tip of his tongue, and yet he can’t say them. He’ll never be able to say them.

“Are you sure?” Robert tries one more time. “It sounded pretty important.”

“Yes,” Alec lies. “I’m sure. G’night.”

“Alec-“

Alec can’t listen to them anymore. It feels like he’s betraying them further, lying more and more and more. Is there anything Alec has told them in the last ten years that hasn’t been a lie? He can’t sit in front of them and act like their child when he’s just a stranger they allowed to come inside of the house.

He’s about to bolt out the door, like he always does when things get too much, when he remembers Hodge’s advice from earlier today. _I could give them a call, if you want._ As a heads up. Alec could use some help with this and Hodge is here to help him, that’s what he’s been doing for the past months. He feels completely stupid for not being able to do this on his own, but also relieved that he doesn’t really have to.

“Actually…” Alec blushes furiously. He can feel the heat on his cheeks like he’s been standing under the sun for hours. “Could you… could you ask Hodge if you can… I mean, only if you want to, you know, come in with me next session?”

Maryse lets out a relieved sigh. Although Alec can’t imagine what she’s relieved about. “Of course. We’ll give him a call later.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Are you sure-“

Alec nods forcefully. “Goodnight.”

Magnus is waiting for him at the top of the stairs. Alec’s heart swells in his chest when he sees him sitting on the last step. He looks up from his phone the second he hears Alec coming up the stairs. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting Alec to be back so soon.

“Hey cutie,” Magnus says, trying to sound casual. Alec can’t help but smile at him. It’s a watery smile. “Did you talk to them?”

Alec sits down next to him. “Kind of.” He lets Magnus put his arm over his shoulders. “They’re coming with me to my next session.”

Magnus rubs his back in wide circles. He asks, “do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I think I’m good. Unless you… I mean, do you want to know?”

“Only if you want to tell me.” Magnus shrugs. “But I think you don’t, which is fine.”

“Uh, I don’t. Is that okay?” Alec asks. Instead of biting his lower lip he presses a kiss to the inside of Magnus’s neck. He can’t help but feel relieved when Magnus nods. “Today was nice.”

Magnus seems surprised by Alec’s statement. It’s not every day that he says what he’s thinking out loud. “Really?”

“Yes,” Alec struggles, not because it’s hard to find the words, but because he’s not used to sharing his feelings. Even when he’s happy. “If you hadn’t waited so long to tell me you liked me we could have done this ages ago.”

“What?”

Alec blushes. He was only half joking. “I said-“

“I heard what you said, silly,” Magnus laughs, “I just can’t believe you said it.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean…”

Magnus pulls away to look at him in the eye. He shakes his head and he looks at Alec with complete amazement. “No, don’t apologize for being funny. It’s… I like it. I really like it.”

“Why?”

“Because when you say things like that you sound so right, like you’re…”

“Normal?” Alec supplies. He doesn’t miss the way Magnus frowns.

“I was going to say happy. You are normal, Alexander.”

Alec decides he doesn’t feel like arguing. He’s warm and fuzzy and he can almost forget how weak and stupid he was for thinking he could actually talk to his parents for once in his life. He’s had a good day, kind of. He has Magnus’s arm around him, keeping him centered. He doesn’t want to bicker over how fucked up he is.

“I am happy, too.” Alec pauses to look at Magnus’s face. “What? I am, most of the time.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” Magnus tells him, although he can’t fight the smile that’s forming on his face. “You’re lucky you’re pretty and I’m willing to believe your lies.”

“Let’s not go to bed yet,” Alec whines. He likes the way Magnus’s eyes sparkle when he makes dumb comments like this. He’s going to try harder from now on. “I want to watch Project Runway.”

“I’ve created a monster,” Magnus shrieks. They walk together to the living room and crawl under a blanket on the couch. “Don’t you have homework to do or something? When was the last time you even went to school?”

Alec shrugs and cuddles closer to Magnus. “Everyone’s busy with prom and I passed all my exams so Maryse said I could miss some days if I wanted to.”

Magnus seems uncomfortable. He mutes the TV before talking. “I was meaning to ask you, but I forgot about it. Do you want us to go as a couple to prom? Because we can act like we’re just friends, I wouldn’t mind.”

“Do _you_ want to go to prom as my friend?”

“Alec,” Magnus chides him. “I’m asking you. It’s your prom.”

He thinks about it for a second. It doesn’t take him longer than that to figure out what he wants. “I don’t think anyone’s going to buy that you’re my friend when we kiss on the dancefloor.”

“Oh?”

“Which we are going to do, right?” Alec frowns. He tries to fight off his blush. Tries and fails. “Because I’d like to. Kiss you, I mean. On the dancefloor.”

Magnus smiles and unmutes the TV. He doesn’t say it but Alec anyways. His smile is giving him away. He’s so happy he can’t even voice it. Alec lets him be the big spoon again just to keep him happy. He doesn’t freak out when Magnus puts his arm around him from behind, his hand a heavy weight on Alec’s stomach.

He laughs when Magnus laughs, but he’s not really paying attention to the TV. Alec’s busy enjoying this, soaking up as much happiness as he can, silently hoping and hoping and hoping.

 

“This is a huge step, Alec,” Hodge whispers to him a week later. He’s making Maryse and Robert stay in the waiting room until Alec’s ready to talk to them. “I’m glad you decided to do this here, with me.”

Alec stuffs his trembling hands in the pockets of his jeans and shrugs. “I tried to tell them on my own, but… I freaked out.”

“You tried to talk to them, that’s what’s important here. Alec,” Hodge squeezes his shoulder, something he’s never done before. “No matter what happens, you’re doing the right thing. Opening up to people is something you wanted to work on, remember?”

“Do you think they’ll be upset?” Alec asks. He knows they will, but it doesn’t hurt to ask for Hodge’s opinion. “Maybe we shouldn’t-“

“You can’t control how other people feel, but you can control how deal with it. Remember that. I’m going to tell them to come in, alright?”

Alec nods awkwardly. “Yeah, sure. Just… can you tell them? I mean, I know I have to be the one who explains it, but maybe you could, uh… drop some hints? Please?”

Hodge smiles at him. Alec doesn’t know why, but Hodge looks strangely proud of him. “Sure, kid. Now sit down, I can almost hear your knees shaking.”

Time slows down when Hodge welcomes Maryse and Robert into the room. Alec tells himself he’s doing the right thing over and over again in his head. He can’t fool people into loving him anymore. They deserve to know the truth as much as Alec deserves to say it. If it doesn’t work out… Alec gets that feeling in the pit of his stomach again. If it doesn’t work out, he tells himself, he still has Izzy and Magnus. He has Clary. He has Jace, which is weird to think about but true nonetheless. It’s not the end of the world.

He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized Hodge is talking to him.

“…exactly why Alec would like to talk to you about it in a safe environment.” Hodge locks eyes with him. Alec feels the weight of that look smoldering him. “Alec?”

He looks at Robert and Maryse. They are sitting on other couch, next to his. Even though they were here once it feels strange seeing them in Hodge’s office. Alec pushes past the ball of fear that’s formed in his chest. “Uh, yeah.”

“Alec mentioned he tried to tell you about this the other night,” Hodge goes on when he sees Alec struggling. He talks a lot with his hands when he’s concentrated on what he’s saying. “You have to understand that sometimes it takes years for survivors to talk about their experiences, even to family members. Alec’s being really brave by doing this today.”

Alec blushes crimson red. He doesn’t feel brave, at all. “There are some things I…” His voice does that thing he hates again, goes high right in the middle of a sentence, like he’s going to start crying. “I didn’t mean to… Well, maybe I did, for a while. But I didn’t mean to keep them a secret for so long, I…”

“What’s wrong?” Maryse finally cuts him off. She looks annoyed by Alec’s rambling, like she just wants to know what’s going on and not hear any more excuses. Alec tries to tell himself she’s just worried, but her words still sting him.

It is easier with Hodge here, that’s the thing. He’s not saying anything, but Alec knows he’s there if he needs him. He’s the only person in this room that really knows everything about Alec and he will try to talk some sense into Robert and Maryse if things get out of hand. Alec focuses on that. He’s got Hodge playing in his team. He can do this.

“I’ve been having nightmares for a while,” Alec starts. It’s not the beginning of everything, but it’s close enough. “I lied when I said I couldn’t remember what they were about.”

“Okay?” Robert frowns. “Why did you that? We were only asking because we wanted to help.”

Alec tries not to flinch at the hurt in Robert’s voice. “I didn’t want you to be angry with me.”

Maryse frowns too. “Why would we be angry at you because of your nightmares?”

“I blocked a lot of stuff out, from when I was a kid,” Alec blurts out. He tries not to think about it too much. “It, uh, comes back to me in my dreams, sometimes.”

That seems to placate both of them. They sink into the couch, like they’re being dragged down by the weight of Alec’s words. He waits for them to say something, anything, but they just look at him without blinking.

“I didn’t want, fuck,” Alec swears softly. His eyes are itching, which can only mean he’s a couple of words way from crying. He blinks as fast as he can to get rid of the hot sensation. “I didn’t want you to stop loving me when you found out. I thought…” He can’t help but let out a watery laugh, which only makes Maryse and Robert wince. “I thought I could drag it out, just wait until I was away at college to tell you. But I can’t. It’s… it’s ruining my life.” Alec pauses to consider this, then says, “It’s _ruined_ my life.”

“Alec…” Robert starts.

“They _hurt_ me,” Alec says. He wishes they could read his mind so he wouldn’t have to give them any details, so he wouldn’t have to explain himself even more. He wishes they understood what hurt stands for without having to say it out loud. “They really did.”

“We know that,” Maryse says softly, or as soft as she can. She’s still Maryse. That’s one of the things Alec’s always liked about her. She has always talked to him like he’s an adult, not just a stupid damaged kid. “We were at the hospital with you, remember?”

“No, it’s not…” Alec lets out a frustrated sigh. Magnus would know what to say. He always does. “They didn’t’ just hit me, okay? That’s what I’m trying to say.”

Alec closes his eyes because he doesn’t want to see the disgust on their faces. He thinks of how different his life would be right now if they had only beat him. Alec would be scared of different things, like loud voices and heated arguments. He’d have different dreams, too. Dreams of fists pouring down on him like rain.

Instead, Alec goes to sleep and remembers their hands, but they are never fist-shaped. They are soft, sometimes. It was never hard to know which hands were whose, but it’s different in his dreams. It’s like they’re all touching him at the same time, trying to squeeze his neck while also sinking their nails into the soft skin of his tummy. Every time he wakes up from one of his nightmares there’s a scream locked in his throat. He thinks of all the times he kept silent because they didn’t like him talking, or worse, all the times they made him say things he didn’t even understand. The scream always dies in his throat just when he’s opening his eyes in the morning.

He can take a hit, he knows he can. It hurts and it leaves a bruise and then it’s over. This is different. It’s been years since they’ve laid a finger on him and yet Alec can still feel their sweaty fingers, their wedding rings, their fingernails, against his skin. Maybe his brain has forgotten some things, has tried to suppress them, but his skin remembers. Alec doesn’t think it will ever forget.

Unfortunately, he can’t keep his eyes closed forever. He looks at the wooden floor of Hodge’s studio first, like he’s testing himself. It takes him a while to look up.

Hodge is nodding along to Maryse’s words. It’s funny, Alec didn’t know they were even talking. “Well, yes. Some kids do those things, but it’s less common than you’d think.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell us,” Maryse is saying. She sounds angry and it only makes the hole in Alec’s chest ache even more. “We could have… God, it’s been right in front of our faces this whole time.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec mutters. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat when three pairs of eyes focus on him. “I should have told you, back at the hospital. But I… Izzy deserved a good family, so I did it for her.” He hates how pathetic he sounds, but he forces himself to keep going. “Sorry.”

“For God’s sake,” Robert groans. “Are you listening to yourself, Alexander? Why wouldn’t you deserve a good family? If you didn’t, why would Izzy?”

Alec blinks at him. He looks back at Hodge, confused, because maybe Robert and Maryse didn’t understand what he’s told them. Hodge doesn’t say anything though. “They never… Izzy wasn’t… They didn’t like girls,” Alec awkwardly explains.

That makes them shiver. Alec sees the goosebumps rising on the skin of their arms. “Is this some sort of internalized victim blaming?” Maryse asks Hodge. She’s not looking at Alec. “The way he talks about… it.”

Hodge shakes his head. His voice is gentle when he says, “self-hatred is, sadly, a common trait amongst teenagers nowadays. Especially those struggling with PTSD and depression. Alec’s been working on it, though. He’s had some major breakthroughs.”

Breakthrough. Alec hates that word so much he can taste bile in his mouth when he hears them say it. “Aren’t you going to ask for the details?” Alec manages to say. “Aren’t you upset me?”

Maryse looks at him for the first time. “Why would we be upset with you?” She sounds like she’s lost all her patience.

Alec can’t say he blames her. “I’ve been lying to you for… for ten years,” he says, outraged at the lack of reaction he’s getting. “You took me in and all I ever did was lie to you. I tricked you so you would take Izzy and I home with you. I’m… why aren’t you angry with me?”

“You didn’t trick us into anything,” Robert laughs, it comes off bitter. “We chose to take you home. If you had told us sooner we would have got you the help you needed. I am angry that you kept this… thing, to yourself for so long. I thought you trusted us enough to tell us something like this.”

Hodge interferes. “Let’s not guilt-trap anyone. It’s…”

“I trust you,” Alec explodes or implodes or both. It crosses his mind that they have taken care of a thousand raped kids. He’s not their first damaged child, but it still hurts that they’re being so… dismissive. “I was scared. You… even if they hadn’t fucked me, even if all they had ever done was beat me, you should have still sent me to therapy. You knew I was a mess, still am. You chose to ignore it because-“

“How were we supposed to know something was wrong if you didn’t tell us?” Maryse replies. “We knew you were hurt, but we never imagined it was something like this. We thought it was a part of your personality.”

“I’m trusting you with this now,” Alec can only hear his heartbeat, the blood rushing to his ears fast and loud. “And I’m saying I’m sorry for not… for not telling you sooner.”

Robert sighs. “I just don’t get why you didn’t. You had to know we wouldn’t freak out, Alexander. We could have helped you.”

“I couldn’t do that to Izzy,” Alec repeats. “She deserved a good family. I told you.”

“What does your sister have to do with any of this?”

“You wouldn’t have adopted us if I had told you this. No one would have.”

Maryse’s eyes go wide. “What?”

“I’m not… It’s even worse than Maxwell,” Alec finds himself saying. He hates comparing his past to someone else’s but it’s the only way he can make them understand. They can’t see it. Yet. “It wasn’t just one person, it was… I’m not…” Breathing becomes hard work then. “You wouldn’t have taken us in.”

“Alec. Remember what I said before, about you not being able to control how people feel? Maryse and Robert are upset, not with you but with this whole situation, and you don’t get to say they can’t be. Just like they can’t tell you it’s your fault you didn’t come forward with this sooner.” Hodge gives them a small smile. “What’s important is that Alec decided to reach out, okay?”

Maryse ignores Hodge. “Do you really think we wouldn’t have adopted you if you had told us someone had abused you?”

Not someone, Alec wants to say. “You wouldn’t have,” he settles for.

“Alec we…” Maryse seems at an absolute loss of words. She looks over at Robert, who is looking at Alec like it’s the first time they’ve met each other. “We still love you, you know that, right? What you said before… about being scared we would stop loving you. Love doesn’t just stop, Alexander.”

Relief. Alec didn’t know how much he needed to hear that until she said it. “Okay,” he says. After a second thought he adds, “thank you.”

“I’m just curious as to what you thought was going happen,” Robert says, frowning. “You’re our kid. It would have been nice to know about this sooner, but. You’ll always be our kid.”

Alec blushes again. He ducks his head and avoids their eyes. “I packed a bag before coming here today. In case, uh, you were angry enough to kick me out? Izzy wouldn’t mind having me around.”

Hodge shakes his head. “Yeah, well. We’re still working on the pessimism. It’s going to take a while.”

“It seemed plausible!” Alec protests. “It made sense in my head.”

Robert huffs. “I’m starting to think you need some surgery in that head of yours. I’ve never kicked a kid out of my house, not even Jordan. I wasn’t going to start with you.”

They don’t ask for any more details, but Alec’s sure they will get them from Hodge later. Alec doesn’t care. Robert and Maryse are good people, but they’re not made of sugar and rainbows. Raising so many kids has had its effect on them. They have always taken in more kids than they could look after. They’re tough. Alec thinks it’s better if they don’t know everything just now. There will be other sessions. There will be time. He doesn’t have to tell them everything right now.

He didn’t expect them to cry and he’s happy when the session ends and they haven’t shed a single tear. However, when the session ends and they all stand up Alec is startled by Maryse’s arms around him, firm and strong as iron bars. He doesn’t feel trapped, though. Even Robert ruffles his hair awkwardly on their way out. And that’s a lot coming from him.

“You did well,” Hodge tells him while Maryse and Robert are talking to the secretary about their next appointment. “You really are a good kid, Alec. You’re luckier than you think, too.”

For once, Alec agrees with him. He watches Robert and Maryse bickering in the waiting room about which day is the best day of the week for them to stop by Hodge’s office and have a chat about everything. He watches them caring about him. He thinks about all the kids that will never make it to the Institute.

He feels more than lucky they chose him.

 

“Your shirt is supposed to go in your pants,” Magnus laughs harder than Alec’s ever heard him. “Oh my God, Alexander. You’re not even wearing a tie.”

Alec waves his hand dismissively. “Ties aren’t fun. And they tickle my neck.”

 “I bought you a corsage,” Magnus whines softly. He’s touching the loose neck of Alec’s shirt, where the tie was supposed to be. “And you’re not wearing a tie.”

“What’s a corsage?”

Magnus rolls his eyes. He’s wearing a black suit, but it still has some details that scream Magnus’s name, like the glitter on his tie and the golden buttons of his shirt. It’s discrete, elegant. Alec looks down at himself: his shirt untucked, no tie, no colors. He doesn’t feel bad, though. Magnus balances him out just fine.

“It’s a flower bracelet, kind of,” Magnus says. His hand creeps up his neck to cup Alec’s cheek. “But it’s supposed to match your tie.”

Alec smiles at him. He smiles even harder when Magnus’s thumb touches his lips. “What color is it?”

Now it’s Magnus’s turn to blush. “Black,” he says. “I just… I know you’re not a big fan of colors, so.”

“I do like colors,” Alec argues. He notices Magnus has painted his nails for the occasion. “We’ve talked about this before, remember?”

“You have two blue shirts and a grey sweater, I don’t think you like colors that much.”

Alec reaches out to touch the corner of Magnus’s eye. The bruise was beginning to fade, but it was still noticeable. Magnus must have put on make up to cover it. “Does it hurt when I touch it?”

“No. Jordan doesn’t punch as hard as you’d think,” Magnus whispers, probably because he doesn’t want Maia to hear. Not that Maia’s in the room, anyways. “Are you sure you don’t want to give the tie a chance? Izzy will murder you if you come downstairs without it.”

“She wouldn’t dare.”

Magnus reaches into the bedside table draw and pulls out a thin bracelet. It’s got a small black flower attached to it. “I feel like I’m asking you to marry me or something,” he jokes. Magnus slips the bracelet past Alec’s fingers, securing it around his wrist. “Would you take my last name or would I take yours?”

“No one does that anymore. Now they just use a hyphen or something.” Alec touches the black flower. It’s sweet Magnus picked it for him, but now Alec feels bad because he hasn’t bought anything to him. In fact, he wasn’t even aware he had to. “Thank you, it’s really pretty. Would you have liked one, too?”

“Nah, I’m good. I don’t like flowers that much anyways. Besides, this is your day.”

Before going downstairs to meet the rest of the family Magnus tucks Alec’s shirt into his pants. He can’t convince Alec of wearing the tie Izzy picked for him, but he doesn’t stop trying to either. Alec tells Magnus to go first because there’s something weird about walking down the stairs together. He hasn’t told Robert and Maryse they’re together yet, and he doesn’t want to tell them about it now.

Alec’s got the feeling they wouldn’t mind. They’re still busy trying to process everything he’s told them, so they won’t have the energy to freak out over this too. Maryse still looks at him with pursed lips at dinner, like she’s trying to read his mind or something. It must be hard for them not to be angry with him. If he’s lied to them about this, what else has he lied about? Alec tries his hardest not to think about it, but there are moments, especially when Robert is driving him to therapy or when Maryse is looking at him like that, when he can’t help but wonder if he’s done the right thing by telling them.

“Where is your tie?” Izzy says as soon as her eyes find Alec. “You can’t go to prom without a tie, Alec.”

Alec rolls her eyes at her. He sees Simon taking pictures of both Magnus and him with his phone, probably under Izzy’s orders. Maryse and Robert are watching a movie and they pause it when Alec walks in. It all feels embarrassingly good.

Izzy is still scolding him like he’s a kid. “Magnus is wearing a sparkly tie and you couldn’t even bother-“

“It was hurting my neck,” Alec bites back. He likes the way Magnus’s hand is resting on his lower back, hidden from view. “And stop taking pictures, Simon. We’re going to be late.”

“Since when do you care about being late?” Magnus asks curiously. He hasn’t moved his hand an inch, not even when Maryse and Robert walk up to them. “But you’re right. We’re running late.”

Robert digs into his pocket and hands Magnus his car keys. “No drinking,” he tells him. He doesn’t have to tell Alec not to drink since he can’t because of his meds. “And you don’t have a curfew but it’d be nice to know where you are.”

Magnus nods. “Yes, sir.” He doesn’t move though, not even when Alec tugs at his hand. “Is it okay if we go to an after party? I don’t know what time it’ll end, though.”

Alec frowns. This is the first time he’s hearing about an after part. He tries not to feel betrayed that Magnus chose not to tell him first. Robert and Maryse seem surprised by this too.

Maryse looks at Alec, trying to read his face. “Do you want to go, Alec?”

Alec isn’t sure he wants to, but he also doesn’t want them to think Magnus is forcing him into anything. He forces himself to smile and shrug. “Yeah. It’ll be… fun.”

Magnus gives his hand a squeeze and lets his other hand, the one that was resting on Alec’s back, fall to his side. He gives Alec a wide smile. “Okay, we should really get going.”

Izzy tells Magnus to wait in the car because he wants to have a word with Alec before he goes. Simon goes into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water and Robert and Maryse go back to watching their movie.

Alec keeps glancing at the door impatiently. “What is it, Izzy? I don’t want to be late-“

“If you want to leave,” Izzy cuts him off, her voice gentle and firm at the same time, “you call me. If Magnus wants you to go to that party and you don’t want to, you call me. If anything goes wrong, you call me and I’ll go pick you up in five minutes. Am I being clear, Alec?”

“You sound like Maryse,” Alec tries to joke, although he’s a bit choked up by her words. It’s nice to know she cares so much about him. “Uh, I will.”

Izzy’s eyes fall on his neck again and she groans, before pushing him towards the door. “I just can’t believe you’re not wearing a tie.”

 

Once he’s in the car he can’t help but ambush Magnus with questions.

“What after party? What was that about?”

Magnus gives him a sheepish smile before starting the car. “That was a lie, sorry. Thanks for going along with it though.”

Alec frowns. “Why would you lie about us going to an after party?”

“Because,” Magnus sing-songs, “I have a surprise for you.”

“I don’t… I don’t like surprises,” Alec stammers. He tries not to feel tricked. “You know that.”

“I know that,” Magnus agrees. “But I also know that you’ll like the surprise, so stop thinking about it and focus on having a good time instead.”

Alec tries. He listens to Magnus talking the whole ride to his school. They argue about each other’s music tastes, because Magnus listens to everything and Alec didn’t know who Lady Gaga was until Magnus forced him to look her up on his phone.

They don’t get out of the car as soon as they get there. Alec watches all the couples chatting outside and he can’t help but feel shy. Magnus notices this and says, “You know, we can still act like friends. I’m not going to be mad at you.”

Alec shakes his head. “I’m not freaking out,” he tells Magnus and himself. “If it sucks, though, can we leave?”

Magnus laughs. “It’s not going to suck. But if you want to leave we’ll leave. This is your day, remember? Well, technically it’s your night, but you get what I’m saying.”

“Who did you go to prom with?” Alec asks. He’s getting better at asking things just because he wants to know the answer. Hodge would be proud. “Boy or girl?”

“Girl,” Magnus says. He’s shy about it. “Her name was Catarina. She was nice.”

“Was? Don’t you talk to her anymore?”

Magnus laughs. “You’re awfully curious tonight, Alexander. She moved away a year ago, but we still text a lot. She’s not… I don’t like her like that, though.”

“I know,” Alec reassures him. “It’s fine. You’re allowed to have friends, you know. Even, uh, Tom.”

“You should meet him. I bet you’d like him.”

Alec goes to bite his lip, then stops. “Maybe.”

Magnus leaves it at that. “Are we going or not?”

The theme this year is Fairytales. Someone, probably a lot of people, put up Christmas lights all over the place. Some of the girls look like princesses and everyone seems to be having the time of their lives. Alec spots Kyle instantly, mainly because he’s the tallest senior.

Magnus looks hesitant to go meet him, but Alec likes Kyle. He’s been nice to him and he only agreed to give Alec sleeping pills because Alec begged him to. Kyle’s nice.

“Kiddo,” he shouts when he sees Alec coming up to him. “You look good. Magnus, right?”

Magnus rolls his eyes at him, so Alec elbows him hard. “Hey,” is all he says.

“You should have told me you didn’t have a date,” Kyle turns to Alec. His shirt is untucked and his hair is a mess. It makes Alec smile. “Lily was dying to come with you.”

“I have a date,” Alec says confused. “It’s Magnus.”

Realization hits Kyle hard enough to make him stagger. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know… Uh, yeah. Sorry. I think it’s… cool. That you’re doing that, I mean.”

Alec laughs at Magnus’s grumpy face. “Thanks.”

“I’m going to get something to drink,” Kyle says, clearly intimidated by Magnus’s eyes on him. “See you around?”

“Why were you being so mean?” Alec asks Magnus the second Kyle has disappeared. His heart stumbles in his chest when Magnus’s hands meet his waist. No one’s watching, yet Alec feels like there’s a million eyes on them. “Kyle’s my friend, you know.”

“He sold you drugs,” Magnus argues stubbornly. His hands aren’t moving and Alec knows he’s testing the waters. He’s giving Alec time to back out. “And he’s so old.”

Alec presses himself closer to Magnus. He can feel his throat closing but he forces himself to ignore everyone else in the room, which is a lot considering there’s a hundred people around. “You’re old,” he points out.

“Maybe you’re just too young, kiddo.” He stands very still, waiting for Alec to make the first move. They are standing close to a wall and there are a lot of couples around them. Alec doesn’t like how hesitant Magnus is being, like he’s scared of scaring Alec off. “We should be dancing, by the way. I don’t want all of our late nice rehearsals to go to waste.”

Alec doesn’t let himself think about it. He closes the gap between them and kisses Magnus full on the mouth like he’s been doing for months. He doesn’t have to block everyone out because in that moment there is no one else on Earth but he and Magnus. Magnus, who is kissing Alec back after a moment of shock. Magnus, his boyfriend.

“Keep it PG rated,” Magnus laughs against his mouth. He tastes like the Skittles he had been munching on earlier. “I don’t want to get kicked out.”

They move to the dancefloor eventually. Alec lets Magnus twirl him around for a while, only because he likes the way he smiles every time Alec blushes. He tries his hardest not to step on Magnus’s toes, literally, but he’s clumsy and it’s dark. Some people are looking their way but Alec ignores them. Magnus does too.

“I like this song,” Magnus says excitedly. Alec frowns, he doesn’t even know if it’s a pop song. “C’mon Alexander, you have to know this one.” He laughs when Alec doesn’t say anything. “Alicia Keys?”

He scrunches up his nose in response. “This song is so old. It’s not my fault I don’t know it.”

“First of all, _If I ain’t got you_ is a classic. And you don’t know it because you don’t listen to music,” Magnus says sternly. “You didn’t even know who Lady-“

“Okay,” Alec says and rolls his eyes. “Maybe I don’t listen to a lot of music, but this song is still old.”

Magnus gives up trying to convince him otherwise. Instead, he grabs Alec firmly by the waist and puts Alec’s arms around his neck. “We’re slow-dancing to this song whether you like it or not.”

“Is there going to be more kissing involved?” Alec asks, laughing at Magnus’s sly smile. “Because I could let you bribe me with kisses.”

“You’re cheeky, I like it.”

By the time they’re announcing Prom King and Queen Alec is starting to get tired. He’s had a good time, but he’s not the biggest fan of social events and this is tiring him out. He tugs at Magnus hand and tells him he’d like to go, if he doesn’t mind. Magnus doesn’t mind, of course. Although he doesn’t let Alec say goodbye to Kyle, or rather, he distracts him with kisses and guides him out the door before Alec has a chance to protest. They walk outside and the night air is cold enough to make Alec shiver. The Christmas lights guide them to the parking lot.

“So, where’s my surprise?” Alec asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet like a child. He lets go of Magnus hand when they get inside the car. “I had almost forgotten about it.”

Magnus snaps a picture of him before Alec can protest. “Sorry, Clary wanted to see you in a suit.”

“She could have asked Izzy, Simon took like a billion pictures of me earlier,” Alec grumbles. “Stop avoiding the question.”

“Stop asking! I can’t tell you what it is or it won’t be a surprise.” Magnus leans over to kiss him on the cheek and then starts the car. He drives out of the parking lot and takes a turn to the left, which is not where they should be going because the Institute isn’t that way.

Alec huffs and takes out his phone. Izzy texted him an hour ago, asking if he was having a good time. He sends her _all good, talk to you tomorrow xx_ and then focuses on guessing what his surprise is.

“Are you taking me out for dinner? ‘Cause it’s a bit late.”

Magnus ignores him and continues to drive. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah. It was nice. I… thanks, for coming with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Magnus turns to look at him when they stop at a red light. “I wanted to come.”

“Give me a clue,” Alec whines. “Just one tiny clue and I’ll leave you alone.”

“My lips are sealed, sorry.”

It’s a fifteen minute ride. Magnus pulls over next to a tall white building. It looks fancy. Alec trusts Magnus. He’s not scared, but he is curious. He’s never been here before and he doesn’t remember Magnus ever mentioning a building like this.

“Close your eyes,” Magnus tells him before he’s even out of the car. “I’m watching you, so close your eyes.”

“This is dumb,” Alec says but still closes his eyes. He lets Magnus guide him for what feels like half an hour. They walk up some stairs and Magnus is extra careful, making sure Alec doesn’t trip over his own feet. When they finally stop moving, Alec is hesitant to open his eyes. “Are we there yet?”

“Yeah,” Magnus tells him softly. “You can look now.”

It’s an apartment, big enough to make Alec frown. It’s empty, except for some lit candles that disappear into a hall. “What is this?” he asks, because he can’t understand what any of this means.

“It’s not… I…” Magnus stutters. Alec has never heard Magnus stutter before. He’s the one that always knows what to say, yet right now he looks so nervous he can barely speak. “This isn’t me trying to get you to sleep with me,” he blurts out. “I just wanted to spend the night with you somewhere different. If you don’t want to-“

“Whose apartment is this?” Alec asks, looking around like he’s searching for clues. “Why is it empty?”

Magnus scratches the back of his head. “It’s mine, kind of. I mean, when I first realized how much I… liked you, I freaked out and started to look for a place to stay in case things got too complicated. One of Tom’s friends offered me this place and I paid the first three months’ worth of rent.”

Alec’s mouth is hanging open. “You were going to move out?”

“It was before I found out you liked me back,” Magnus says. “I was being stupid.”

“Where did you get the money, anyways?”

Magnus smiles. “I had a lot of cash saved up from tutoring. It also helped that Tom’s friend was desperate to rent this place and made me a huge discount. And I mean a huge one.”

Alec’s brain is buzzing. He can’t take his eyes off the trail of candles on the wooden floor. He wonders where they lead. “Did you do that? I mean, when?”

“That was Tom,” Magnus laughs sheepishly. He tries to hide it but he’s nervous. Even his hands are shaking a bit. “He wanted to leave some rose petals laying around but I told him it was too much.”

Alec breathes. “Oh.” He’s careful about what he says next. “So you don’t want to sleep with me?”

“No!” Magnus says quickly. He then panics, which Alec thinks is really cute. “I mean, yes. I mean, yes but not now? I mean-“

“Shut up,” Alec tells him. He follows the candles into a room. There isn’t a bed or any furniture. Instead, Magnus has set up a king-sized mattress on the floor, surrounded by a dozen candles and covered with at least ten of the fluffiest looking pillows Alec has ever seen. It’s like their tree fort, only softer and prettier. Alec wonders how much time it took Magnus to set this up. “You’re right,” he finally says, “the rose petals would have been too much.”

“So, you like it?” Magnus asks behind him. He hasn’t walked into the room, but is watching Alec from the door. “We can go back to the Institute if you want, I just thought a night away would be nice.”

“It’s not _nice_ ,” Alec says. He watches Magnus’s face crumbling. “It’s the _nicest_ thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

Magnus’s face breaks out into a smile. “You’re evil, Alexander. I almost had a heart attack.”

“I didn’t bring anything with me,” Alec says. “Did you-“

“Who do you think I am?” Magnus rolls his eyes and points out a duffel bag that’s sitting in the corner of the room. “I packed your sleeping clothes, a toothbrush, a couple books. And water. Also, some food, because you’re grumpy when you’re hungry.”

“I’m not grumpy,” Alec protests. “You are.”

“Okay. If you say so.”

Alec doesn’t waste a second before going through the bag and taking the shirt and jogging pants Magnus brought for him into the bathroom to change. When he comes back out Magnus has already changed out of his suit. He’s wearing a shirt and a pair of black shorts because he always gets too warm in his sleep. He’s already lying on the mattress, phone in his hand.

He crawls under the covers but doesn’t curl up next to Magnus. Alec watches him instead. “Did you really mean what you said earlier?”

“About what?”

“About not wanting to sleep with me tonight.” Alec’s voice doesn’t betray him for once. He’s calm. “Did you mean that?”

Magnus blinks at him twice. “Yes. I’m not… Only when you want to. I didn’t do this so you would feel obligated to have sex with me. I did it because I love you.”

“But what if I do want to?” Alec presses. His heart skips a beat and then another. “Would you still say no?”

“Alec…” Magnus begins and then cuts himself off. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I’m not trying to pay you back for being nice, Magnus.” Alec looks around the room. At the candles and the bag and every little reminder that Magnus does love him, that he hasn’t been lying to Alec for the last months and that he isn’t crazy or confused. “I know I don’t have to do this. I’d just… uh, I’d like to try. With you. Like…”

“You’re biting your lip again.”

Alec stops immediately. “Not all the way. Just. Something.”

Magnus is silent for a long time. Alec is starting to get worried he’s upset him, but then Magnus looks up at him without a trace of anger or disgust in his face. “We could try. But there has to be rules, okay?”

“Okay,” Alec says without hesitation. He tells himself this is normal. This is healthy. This is what a relationship should be about, talking things through. “What rules?”

“You have to tell me if you don’t like something. No means no. You say no and I’ll stop. Okay?” Magnus asks, his voice firm and stern.

“If you say no then I’ll stop too. You get to say no to me, you know.”

“I know,” Magnus says softly. “If you change your mind in the middle of it-“

“I say no and you’ll stop,” Alec repeats with a smile. This is easy. “Do you have a condom?”

Magnus groans. “No, I don’t. I wasn’t even thinking about this when I packed the bag. We can do this another time, I… Wait, I think Tom…” Magnus laughs. “He probably left a couple just in case, sneaky bastard.”

“Ask him,” Alec prompts. He watches Magnus texting and then getting up to grab something from the kitchen, probably the condoms Tom left there to be funny. When he comes back he’s holding up a blue one. “Tell Tom I said thanks.”

“Since when are you so cheeky?” Magnus laughs but tells Tom anyways. He then puts his phone away. “Okay, so…”

Alec kisses him hard and drags him back down on the bed. Or rather, the mattress. Magnus falls on top of him, which Alec doesn’t really mind, and kisses him back. They both smile into the kiss after a while, like they can’t believe they’re about to do this. Alec doesn’t want to put too much thought into this because if he does then he’ll freak out, and he doesn’t want to do that. He wants to be a normal teenager and sleep with his boyfriend on prom night. As cliché as that sounds.

Magnus pulls away for a second. “What do you-“

Alec pulls at the waistband of Magnus’s shorts. “Can I?”

“Yeah,” Magnus says, not even caring to ask what Alec means with that. It makes Alec smile again how much he trusts him. “Are you okay?”

Instead of answering, Alec lets his hand slip past the waistband of his boxer shorts, his heart is hammering in his chest like it wants to find a way out of his ribcage. He marvels at the small gasp Magnus lets out against his neck when Alec gets a hold of his cock.

It’s weird. Alec’s hand starts to move on its own, like it’s not even connected to his body. It moves up and down, squeezing and pulling at all the right places, but there’s something that just feels odd. Magnus kisses his neck and the hinges of his jaw, but Alec can barely feel it.

He’s pretty sure Magnus is about to come when Alec pulls his hand back, fast enough to startle both of them. He moves away from Magnus, who isn’t on top of him anymore but sitting up instead, staring at Alec with wide eyes and his half-hard dick against his stomach.

Alec looks down at his hand, the hand that had been touching Magnus just a second before, and feels sick. He thinks of the last time he touched a person like that and he wants to throw up. It’s like his talk with Robert and Maryse all over again.

He told himself he was ready for this. He told himself he could do this. And he couldn’t. The realization that he’s fucked up beyond repair hits him like a slap across the face. He’s been playing normal the whole night, acting like he was supposed to, but he’s never going to be normal. A wave of self-hate threatens to pull him under. Alec doesn’t even try to fight it.

“Alec,” Magnus says, both of his hands up like a peace offering. It only makes him feel worse. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t- fuck. I’m not going to touch you, okay? Just, can you come back here please?”

He crawls back to the mattress and vaguely wonders how he made it to the floor. Magnus stays put, just like he said he would, and doesn’t try to touch him. “I’m sorry,” he says because he can’t think of anything else.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus argues fiercely. “I shouldn’t have agreed to this. I should have noticed you weren’t there yet… I… I’m so sorry.”

Alec frowns. There’s a look on Magnus’s face he doesn’t like. Guilt. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t hurt me. I just freaked out.”

“No, I shouldn’t have let you do this. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take advantage of you like that,” Magnus rambles. “You… I can drive you back to the Institute if you want. Or I can call Izzy. I’m so sorry.”

“What are you talking about?” Alec asks. “I’m not upset with you.”

Magnus laughs bitterly. “You should be.”

“Well, I’m not. What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Magnus repeats, like he can’t believe Alec is so stupid. “I shouldn’t have… _fuck_.”

Alec pushes past the self-hatred he’s feeling and focuses on Magnus. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Magnus says miserably. Alec’s heart hurts for him. “I can’t believe I… I swore I wasn’t going to be like her. Oh my God-“

“Like her?” Alec cuts him off. He reaches out for Magnus, but he pulls away. “Who are you talking about?”

Magnus buries his face in his hands. Alec can hear him struggling to breathe. “I’m sorry.”

“Is this…” Alec takes a wild guess and just hopes he’s not fucking things up even more. “Is this about Camille?”

Magnus looks up at him. His makeup is smudged and the bruise on the corner of his eye is starting to show again. “How do you know?”

“I don’t,” Alec says. He reaches out again and this time Magnus doesn’t pull away. He lets Alec ran his hand through his hair. “Did she hurt you?”

Magnus regains some self-control. He puts himself together before answering. “Kind of.”

“She either hurt you or she didn’t,” Alec says gently. Hodge’s words come to him easily now. “And I’m guessing she did.”

“It’s not what you’re thinking. She didn’t… I wanted to,” he explains as best as he can. Alec just listens. “I really wanted to, at first. But she was older and I freaked out halfway through. We were at that stupid party. I… she was so much older than me.”

“Did you tell her?” Alec asks softly. He focuses on petting Magnus’s hair and ignores the dread that’s forming at the pit of his stomach.

“She never asked,” Magnus says shakily. He blinks a couple times and then looks at Alec. “I should have asked you, I’m sorry-“

“You did ask me, remember?” Alec can’t listen to him talk about himself like that. He feels his blood boiling with anger and he knows, he knows, that if Camille was in the room right now he would kill her. No hesitation. “It wasn’t you. You didn’t scare me, okay? I freaked out on my own.”

Magnus looks up at the ceiling. “I fucked this up. I wanted to make it special for you and I completely fucked it up.”

“You didn’t fuck it up,” Alec insists. “And it was supposed to be special for you too, remember? I said… I said it could be our first time ever, for the both of us. It was supposed to be special for you too. I’m sorry.”

“I should have noticed you were freaking out,” Magnus protests. He wants to be the guilt bearer apparently. “I’m sorry.”

“Okay. We’re both sorry. That much is clear.”

“I love you,” Magnus says against Alec’s neck. It seems to him Magnus might be hiding his face there. “I really, really love you.”

Alec considers not saying anything, but he thinks Magnus deserves to hear it once and for all. He’s been thinking about it a lot lately. “I love you too,” he says, trying his hardest not to stutter. The words taste weird. He hasn’t said this to Magnus since they started dating. “And I hate her with all my heart. Because I really love you.”

He understands what Izzy meant know. He wants Camille dead, just like Izzy wanted them all dead, because she hurt someone he loves.

Magnus beams, despite everything. “I really love you back. C’mon, let’s go to sleep. I’ve had enough emotions for one day,” Magnus says, pulling Alec back into the mattress with him. He covers them both with the blankets before blowing out all the candles.

It’s easy to pretend they’re back at the Institute, cuddling in Magnus’s bed. Alec presses his fingers against the corner of Magnus’s eyes. They come away wet.

“Don’t cry,” Alec says stupidly. “I’m sorry. Don’t cry.”

“I thought you hated it when people apologized for things that aren’t their fault,” Magnus replies in the darkness of the room. “This isn’t your fault.”

“It’s not yours either.”

Magnus kisses him, or tries to, at least. It’s hard for him to find Alec’s mouth in the dark. “I’m fine, I promise. I freaked out on my own, that’s all.”

Alec can’t help but laugh. “That sounds familiar.”

“Go to sleep or you’ll be grumpy in the morning.”

Everything that’s happened today feels a million miles away, like it’s happened to someone else. Alec cuddles closer to Magnus and prays to a God he doesn’t believe in to make Camille hurt as much as his heart is hurting right now. Wherever she is, Alec hopes she can feel it. He hopes it hurts like a heart attack.

 

“Did you get laid last night?” Jace asks him as soon as he sees Alec approaching him. The tree house is almost finished. It’s pretty enough to make Alec wish he could live in there, that’s how good Jace is with his hands. “You totally did.”

Alec shrugs. “Maybe.”

“So, which one of you is the top?”

“You know way too much about gay sex to be one hundred percent straight, Jace.”

Jace rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Don’t be so butt-hurt by it.” He waits for Alec to laugh, but he never does. “Didn’t you get it? Butt hurt.”

“Have you seen Magnus?” Alec asks instead. He can’t find him anywhere and it’s starting to worry him. Especially after last night. He doesn’t want Magnus to be alone.

“He’s talking to Robert and Maryse, I think. In the studio.”

Oh. Alec walks back inside and ignores everyone he bumps into. Especially Maia and her new boyfriend. He goes straight into his parents studio, without even bothering to knock.

“-to be safe. I told him he could ask Lydia, but…” Maryse stops talking when he sees Alec. They all turn to look at him. Magnus looks surprised. “Alec, do you mind coming back in a bit? We’re talking about-“

“About me,” Alec says calmly. “You’re talking about me.”

“About prom,” Robert corrects him. He looks uncomfortable there, like he would rather be anywhere else. “You didn’t spend the night here and we were worried.”

“That wasn’t Magnus’s fault,” Alec says. “It was mine. I lost track of time. I’m sorry.”

Magnus gives him a small smile. “It’s fine. They aren’t grounding me or anything.”

“Would it kill you to come back in five minutes Alexander? We’re just finishing up here. You can talk to Magnus in a bit.”

Alec shakes his head. “I’m not here to talk to Magnus. I’m here to talk to you. About Magnus. Actually, about Magnus and me.”

Robert raises an eyebrow at him. “What about Magnus and you?”

Alec thinks about what Magnus did for him last night. How he thought of every detail so carefully, how he put time and effort into making Alec feel special. Magnus deserves more than to be someone’s dirty secret. Magnus deserves the world and even though Alec’s not sure he can give him that much, he can give him this.

“We’re dating,” Alec says, not looking at Robert and Maryse but at Magnus, whose mouth is hanging open. “I just wanted you to know that.”

“What?” Maryse asks as soon as she recovers. She doesn’t look upset, just shocked. Even if she was upset Alec isn’t sure he’d care. “How long has this been going on?”

“A couple months,” Magnus says slowly, backing Alec up.

“But you…”

“It’s fine, we’re fine.” Alec rolls his eyes at them. He feels normal doing so, like he’s just a teenager telling his parents to get over it. “Hodge knows and he approves.”

Maryse seems indignant. “I… so do we,” she exclaims. “But why…”

“Why are we always the last ones to find out?” Robert huffs. “And…” his eyes widen and then turn into slits. “No more sleeping in the same bed. Actually, no more sleeping in the same room.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?” Alec groans.

Maryse and Robert share a look. Another silent conversation. “No,” Maryse concludes. “I think we’re being fair.”

Magnus cracks a smile. He’s the prettiest boy Alec’s ever seen. Fuck Jace. “Should I start calling you Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood?”

“Shut up,” the three of them snap at Magnus.

“Jeez,” Magnus says, getting up and walking towards Alec. His hands find Alec’s waist and stay there, locked into place. “Grumpiness really runs in the family, huh?”

Alec still has to take his pills. He has to see Hodge next week and the week after that and the one after that, too. He’s probably going to have nightmares, sometimes. He’ll flinch away and get confused and hurt. He’s going to miss being the baby of the family when Izzy and Simon announce they’re having a kid. He’s going to have good days and bad days and empty days. He’s going to pull away during sex and get scared. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever have sex again.

Before, that would have overwhelmed him. The prospect of living a life that has risks. Now it’s just a fact. He’s a good kid. He’s always been a good kid. And it sucks some people took advantage of that, but Alec’s not living his life for those people. They’re dead and they’re gone.

Magnus cracks another joke and Maryse is sulking and Robert is patting him on the back and Alec doesn’t want to be anyone else but himself. And he knows he can be anything in the world as long as he has those people in his life. It’s going to suck sometimes. Being alive tends to suck, but he doesn’t fantasize about kitchen knives anymore. His skin has settled, at least for now, and it’s not itchy or tight or marked. It’s his.

“What are you thinking about biscuit?” Magnus asks, only for him to hear. “Hopefully, me.”

“Kind of,” Alec says. He can’t find the words to explain everything that’s going on in his head. But he doesn’t have to. Magnus has always known he sucks at talking. “Mostly, yeah.”

“Good. Because I’m always kind of, mostly, thinking about you, too.”

He’s going to be okay. Even if he isn’t, Magnus will be okay for the both of them. He holds onto that as hard as he can.

It’s going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! It's been a crazy journey, but I thank you for sticking by me through it.   
> I am currently working on an epilogue for this work, but I can't say when it will be up. Still, if you are interested, suscribe to this story and AO3 will send you an email when I post it.   
> For character questions, prompts, long comments, rants, etc: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM

**Author's Note:**

> FANFICTION TUMBLR: PULSIVERE.TUMBLR.COM


End file.
